Getting too involved?

[RNadine21]

I'm just curious about others' opinions about this situation...

So last week my roommate had a meeting with her adviser, which went from her proposal to her finances/personal health. Her adviser reprimanded her for taking out loans (even though most people in our program do), went on about whether she can handle the program with her health (she has

MS but hasn't had an episode in a year), and basically put her in a bad mood. He even asked if her roommates had loans and who they were - like, he wanted names. I just felt bad, my friend has gone through so much to get here, and having her own adviser doubt her really upset her. I also don't want him knowing my financial business - he has no connection to me whatsoever and I don't feel that it's his business (she didn't tell him who her roommates are, just that we have loans as well). The whole situation just left me in a weird mood, and it's not the first thing this person has done to make me feel that way.

Thoughts? Am I looking too much into it?

[ktel]

That definitely sounds really really weird. And obviously inappropriate. I would be looking for a new adviser if I were her.

[theregalrenegade]

Definitely crossing the line.

One of my professors found out I was on loans and was concerned, but it just made him more active in helping to find me alternative funding (like GA/TA-ships outside the dept. etc). He didn't reprimand me or push me for information about other students.

Also, I can see being concerned about her health issues, even so much as checking up on her more often to make sure everything's okay. But to harp on it, not cool.

I agree with ktel - time for a new advisor.

[Kitkat]

I think the other responders are right. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for taking out loans by her adviser. If he didn't want her to be on loans, then maybe he should have helped her out more from the get go for alternative funding. As for her health, I don't think that is any of his business unless it is affecting her work, and even then, I think he should be more supportive, then putting her down. He took her into his lab because he thought she was capable, didn't he?

As for her room mates loan status, definitely not his business. I don't see how it is really relevant to her work, or how it make it look bad.

Everyone else is right, she should start looking for a new adviser if possible.

[RNadine21]

I think the other responders are right. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for taking out loans by her adviser. If he didn't want her to be on loans, then maybe he should have helped her out more from the get go for alternative funding. As for her health, I don't think that is any of his business unless it is affecting her work, and even then, I think he should be more supportive, then putting her down. He took her into his lab because he thought she was capable, didn't he?

He was good about offering options should she need to take time off, etc. But he talked like she was about to drop at any moment, when she purposely took a year off school to get her health under control. As my roommate said, he doesn't really have a filter, but I felt like this was a bit much.

[Sigaba]

I suggest that before your friend makes any changes that she first ask around to see if her current adviser's recent behavior is in line with his past conduct. If it is, she will still have to decide if she wants to continue the relationship but at least she'll know for certain it is him and not her.

If it isn't, I suggest that she carefully weigh the pros and cons of making a switch, and also the possibility of having a 'clear the air' conversation to articulate expectations, to establish boundaries, and to build (rebuild) rapport.

In regards to your role, I strongly suggest that you recuse yourself from her deliberative process as much as you can--and then some more. Give her a lot of support but very little advice. This suggestion is so that her management of her relationship with her current adviser does not impact the relationship you have with your room mate.

[Chicajojobe]

Yeah I'd say that's definitely crossing a line.

The part about her health, I understand having a concern about the impact it might have on her progress toward her degree.

The student loans. If it were just her, I could pass it off as just personal opinion slipping out when it shouldn't have, but wanting to know if her roommates had loans and asking their names is honestly creepy.

It's her decision what she wants to do about it, and I wouldn't suggest trying to sway her in any direction. However, it is reasonable to ask that she not discuss your personal finances with him. It sounds like she already was fielding the questions, but you could suggest that if he asks any more she should just tell him that you haven't shared details about your finances with her (even if it's a lie, he isn't going to be able to prove otherwise).