Parents in grad school-Advice Needed (particularly from the single parents)

[geochic]

Ughh! I am totally overwhelmed. My youngest son turned two in February and it's been more and more of a challenge ever since. Between his constant movement and the unending demand of a high energy low fear toddler and my mouthy 6 year old I barely have time to think let alone do actual work. My project is very field work heavy so a good portion of the summer was spent collecting samples which meant a lot of desperate scrambling to make sure the kids would be covered and like an idiot I moved in June so the most intense part of my field season was also a month in which I maintained two households while transferring one to the other. Then in July, I had a friend (another single mother with her 5 year old) visit for two weeks-mind I rent a 900 sq. ft. 2 br house. Then back out in the field in August and then classes and more field days as well as constant lab work and a total hardware meltdown in which I lost 2 months of data and learned a hard lesson about backing my s**t up.

My kids have always been big personalities and expecting them to be quiet and cooperative 100% of the time is completely unreasonable but for crying out loud can't I just get a little? I get no frikkin peace at home, bedtime is a total nightmare despite a consistent and regimented schedule, and when I get to school I'm so burned out I'm totally unproductive. I am not interested in my classes at all, and I have zero motivation to complete my project which renders me quite unproductive there as well. I can sense my advisor losing faith in my abilities, which makes me sad.

I feel like I made a terrible mistake pursuing a Masters of Science and might have fared better with my rigorous outside demands pursuing something in secondary Ed. Now I feel backed into a corner and I spend all of my time on the verge of tears constantly. I'm distracted all the time and I'm getting very little sleep because I stay up with the intention of getting work done (and instead watch the entire first season of Louie or something on Netflix). I sought the help of a campus counselor thinking maybe just venting would help but the commitment was really more stress than it was worth (and the sessions were rather uncomfortable anyhow). I am kinda hating life right now.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I guess I'm still into science but in the face of all of this I'm feeling increasingly inept with my academic pursuits and I keep thinking, my god what will I do with this degree- just keep living like this? In a field where I will also buckle under the intellectual demands, leaving me rattled for my kids who will leave me rattled for my job. It makes me feel hopeless and I just want to quit before I completely lose it.

On the flipside, my student loan debt rivals a mortgage and I have a year left in my program so part of me feels like it would be really stupid to drop out now. I mean after a really intense undergrad as a single mother and now halfway through my MS just to throw in the towel? But I haven't romanticized waiting tables like this in a long time...

Maybe I just need to vent some more but I feel like I'm always venting. If my project weren't time sensitive I'd request some sort of leave for the semester to get my bearings but I really can't do that with my research. I dunno. I mean how much will this Masters of Geology actually benefit me? Is this worth all the stress and the lost time with my family? I guess only I can answer these questions but if anyone can lend some insight any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Sigaba]

GC--

Check your PMs.

S

[bedalia]

Sigaba,

Check your offensiveness and insensitivity. (And believe me, that's the censored version).

bedalia

[StrangeLight]

Sigaba,

Check your offensiveness and insensitivity. (And believe me, that's the censored version).

bedalia

sigaba said "check your PMs." as in "private messages." not PMS, as in premenstrual syndrome. you should probably apologize.

[bedalia]

geochic,

I can't speak to the additional value of a Master's in your field, and only you can determine how important the degree is to you personally. But if you decide to continue, it's important to put in place some survival strategies. I know for a fact that what you are going through is hard. I've got two teens (they were tweens when I went back to school) and have often said it would be waaaaay more difficult if they were young enough that they needed babysitters. Lots of respect to you for making it work as well and for as long as you have!

Being a grad student is tough at the best of times, as is being a single mother. Nobody can do either all by themselves, so rally whatever support you can, both emotional (someone to listen to your venting, someone to relax with, check in on your state of mind) and practical (babysitting, running errands, helping prepare meals or with laundry, housecleaning, etc.). Do you have family in the area? Is there another parent who can take on a greater responsibility for the kids? Be selfish with your time; figure out where you can say no to additional commitments that don't move you closer to your goal - your degree and happy/healthy kids. And remember to take care of yourself first. Allow yourself some downtime, even when you feel you are running behind - otherwise you will burn out and not be of any use to your research OR your kids. And remember, this isn't forever. You will reach the end of your program; your kids will grow up, and they won't have any sense of how stressed this time is for you. They will be fine! They will thrive! They will have an amazing role model in their well-educated mother!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[bedalia]

sigaba said "check your PMs." as in "private messages." not PMS, as in premenstrual syndrome. you should probably apologize.

Fair enough. Sigaba, I apologize for misunderstanding the shorthand and jumping to a conclusion based on gender insensitivities I've encountered too often. Again, I misunderstood, and I apologize.

[UnlikelyGrad]

geochic--what subfield are you in? A master's in geology really does pay off--in fact, in many fields a master's is almost a requirement. I know several people who have recently graduated with an MS and they've had good luck getting jobs.

In terms of the parenting thing: I'm sorry. It's hard, I know. I'm theoretically a single parent, but I share custody 50-50 with my ex, and he's been pretty flexible about working around things like field work. We'll be putting that to the test next summer--I'm going to be at sea for ~1 month, which will really screw up our normal parenting plan.

My kids are older than yours but sometimes they are just as tiring--though in different ways, I'm sure. One thing I've found that helps is to go to bed early. It's 9:30 here which is just about time for me to get the kids off to bed...and I'll go to sleep right after. Then I wake up early and try to get stuff done while I'm fresh. Honestly, once I get back home after school I don't get anything done, ever. If I don't work early in the morning I don't do anything.

Also, I NEED to schedule in relaxation time somehow: reading, or watching a funny movie, or something. I try to do this in the evening when I'm too tired to do anything else anyhow. I seriously think it helps me sleep better.

Not sure what to say other than that...hope I could help even a little...

[Sigaba]

Fair enough. Sigaba, I apologize for misunderstanding the shorthand and jumping to a conclusion based on gender insensitivities I've encountered too often. Again, I misunderstood, and I apologize.

No worries, bedalia.

[geochic]

Thank you for all the support everyone! I am a full-time single mom (as in dad is not in the picture at all) but my mother is living in the same city and can pick the children up from school if I'm out in the field or take them overnight if I want a night off, which she does most Fridays. I usually use the time to catch up on work/school/cleaning or salsa dancing or karaoke. Of course, she has her limits and makes it clear when she is not available (mentally or physically- my toddler really wears her out too). I also have two babysitters on-call but my finances are generally so tight that that is a rare luxury.

I try to fit in some me time and I try to be reasonable about how "doting" I can be as a mother right now- which is to say I don't plan an arts and crafts evening once a week or have them enrolled in extra-curricular sports or anything like that. Those, by necessity, are also rare indulgences. But I want to spend time with them and still have a little bit of me left over to wrap this up. I know this won't last forever. Hard to see the forest for the trees though, yes?

UnlikelyGrad- I seem to recall from previous posts that you are a deep earth geochemist. I'm essentially an environmental aquatic chemist with some geomorph and hydro focus thrown in to the mix but my degree track has been earth sciences through and through so I have a well-rounded geo background. I know that having the MS will make me much more competitive but I worry that I won't be able to handle the rigors of a research or field-based position anyhow. I feel like teaching is maybe more do-able for a single mom. I guess I'll have to get out there and see what I can handle.

I think this is just a unique challenge and that my life would be overwhelming to anybody, but most days I feel like I can do this. There are just quite a few days when I think I can't. It's nice to know I can vent here and get some kind words and direction! Thank you!

[UnlikelyGrad]

UnlikelyGrad- I seem to recall from previous posts that you are a deep earth geochemist. I'm essentially an environmental aquatic chemist with some geomorph and hydro focus thrown in to the mix but my degree track has been earth sciences through and through so I have a well-rounded geo background. I know that having the MS will make me much more competitive but I worry that I won't be able to handle the rigors of a research or field-based position anyhow. I feel like teaching is maybe more do-able for a single mom. I guess I'll have to get out there and see what I can handle.

Actually, I'm also an environmental aquatic chemist. (PM me if you want to talk shop!)

Two of the three friends I can think of who graduated very recently were in other fields though--one in geophysics and the other hydrothermal geochemistry. The third was doing a non-thesis master's while working part-time doing aquatic chemistry (I think)--she went back to full-time work after she finished last spring. There are a number of consulting firms in this area that do that sort of stuff, and my understanding from talking to her was that it was a pretty nice, well-paying 8 or 9 am to 5 pm sort of job. I don't think she ever had to do anything more than a day trip.

If you're thinking about the future, please remember that you will be making a LOT more money--so hiring someone to babysit if your mom isn't available is definitely an option. It's not ideal; but when you're a single mom, you just have to let some things slip while you do the best you can.