A chance to vent with some folks who get it

[vtstevie]

Hey guys, I mostly lurk here but really need to get some thoughts out with some folks who feel the same desire to go the PHD road that I do, so here is my status

I recently graduated from a terminal MA program from a top public university in early republic US history. My thesis was very well received (as far as I could tell) and I made many connections with more than a couple mentors in the department, many of whom said I could get into PHD programs if that's what I wanted to do. That is very, very much what I want to do. I love doing research, love teaching, love the entire experience of being a professional historian (even frustrating undergrads and searching for impossible to attain documents). The issue is, toward the end of my first year of grad school, I became heavily involved in a relationship that has now taken me across the country and put on hold my applying to further schooling indefinitely. My girlfriend is supportive of my eventual goals, but I don't have the heart to ask her to follow me to, say, Delaware for five years at this point in our relationship. I love my life out here but have not been able to find steady work in the historical profession and am currently in a dead end full time job with little time to volunteer at museums (though the time I have found to do so has been extremely rewarding). Basically, I just walk through every day feeling like I'm putting off what I am meant to do and what I truly want to do and I don't know how to reconcile that with the realities of my life right now. I'm young but still - it feels like some mysterious clock out there is ticking and the longer I wait and more likely it becomes that I'll never apply!

I know there are no easy answers and that the advice I'll get (and have gotten) is follow my dreams/strike while the iron is hot, but it already feels good to just get that out there, so thanks for reading!

[TMP]

Just tell her.

She might freak out when it all becomes a reality. If the love is there and both of you survive the application process and the first year (of possible separation), then it's meant to be.

If you think you want to marry her, tell her now. If you don't do what you dream of, you MIGHT resent her (or yourself) later on for holding you back.

[kenningsa]

Love will find a way if it is true, of this I am certain.

[StrangeLight]

you mentioned that you're young, so i agree with everything about TMP's advice except the marriage part. holy hell. people who get married before they're 30 freak me out. anyway...

the history job market is tough. it's especially tough for US historians such as yourself. and you seem pretty content with part of your life, if not all of it. grad school will always be there. live your life now, try grad school later, when she will either definitely make the move with you or you two aren't together anymore.

(now, if you recoiled at the advice i gave above, that means you should apply to grad school now, whatever happens with your relationship).

[oswic]

Resentment is a tricky thing. Do what you love if your girlfriend is to be your partner, she will love your passion.

[vtstevie]

thanks guys. i mean, in the past 3 months i've visited 4 national parks, gone to the great american beer fest, reconnected with a ton of old friends...so my life here is great. i just feel this constant pull away from it and find it difficult to reconcile the two paths my life seems to be on. while it's true, i'm luckily very young, i feel the crush of student loans and the fear that my fire will go out or it will stop being such a (RELATIVE) boom time for early republic historians sometime in the very near future.

[qbtacoma]

Though it may not seem like it, time goes by pretty fast. It may be too soon for you to have a "let's commit for the rest of our lives" conversation, it sounds like it's just about time for you to check in and see what you are willing to give up for each other. If you are going to be together in the long term, it really isn't that big a deal to give her a year, or two, or five right now. However, by doing so she should also promise to support you when it comes time for you to go to grad school. Depending upon how mobile her career is and what her own personal goals are, this may be a fundamental problem for you as a couple and you really should know about it right now.

You may also make trade-offs which will inhibit your career later. For example, she'll put off starting that small business and you'll be the primary caretaker for any future children; or she'll move with you now but you will need to find a job close to family. Etc. Every couple comes up with different solutions which work for them. However, you are already aware of the possibility that you may need to make a terrible choice: to break up and pursue your dreams, or to stay together and modify your dreams. My sympathies, and best of luck!

[qbtacoma]

You may also make trade-offs which will inhibit your career later.

I should clarify that it should be something you could live with; otherwise it is a bad idea to agree to an arrangement you know you will resent.