Too far from home?

[Sociology/Crim Lady]

So, this is a little bit of a personal question and I am curious as to others opinions. I am a first generation college student, and in a few months will be a first generation master's, and in the fall I will be a first generation PhD. My education has been a big deal for my family, and for myself. It has been a difficult transition to handle. I applied to 7 PhD programs all over the country, and have been accepted to 2 and I will be interviewing for another. When I was applying to schools I tried to keep them on the east coast, so relatively close to home (the closest two are about an 8 hour drive) because I had this tremendous fear of not being able to get home if something were to happen (my father is 65, and my remaining grandparent is in his 80s). My professor's told me that I shouldn't let that worry stop me from applying elsewhere, so I did. A few weeks ago, my brother and his wife were in a horrific car accident and she was killed. I am currently only an hour away, and that hour car ride was the most horrible and hopeless feeling I've ever had. So now I am very worried about being too far away. I know that flying can be quick, but most places you have to drive at least an hour to get to an airport and even then not guaranteed a timely flight. So I'm fairly certain that I will go to one of the two closest schools, but I'm also worried that I may be robbing myself of a possibly better opportunity somewhere else.

Has anyone else had any experiences with not being able to get to your family in an emergency because you went too far away? How do you deal with this? Also, how has anyone in a similar position dealt with staying "close" with their family over great distances?

[ktel]

I think you're really limiting your options on the rare chance that something bad might happen. Something bad might happen all the time in everything you do, but you obviously don't stop yourself from doing it.

I currently live a 4 hour flight away from my family. We've had some family emergencies lately, with an uncle falling down an elevator shaft, another uncle having a mini stroke and my grandpa having a bad fall. All unfortunate things, but there's nothing I could do to help even if I could get there quickly. Half the time my parents don't even tell me too much about it unless it's really serious, they'll just mention it in passing. If something bad were to happen, yes it would be awful that I would have to wait 6 hours to get there, but I wouldn't be able to be studying what I am now without that downfall.

We stay in touch by phone, e-mail and visits whenever possible. I have gotten to see my dad quite a bit because he visits for work and we both went on a trip to the same city last week (separate trips, but happened to be in the same place at the same time). My mom is coming to visit soon too

[ghanada]

I am from California and all my family is there, but currently I am doing a Masters in Boston. I have loved every minute of it, but unfortunately, my father suffered a heart attack, caught pneumonia, and died a few months ago. Luckily, he survived the heart attack so I took the first flight home the next morning and saw my father for 1 day before he died. I am very thankful that I had got to say my goodbyes. It definitely sucks but it shouldn't be something that should stop you from living your life. You can't control when crappy things will happen. Go where you think you will be the most successful and I am sure if an emergency comes up you will be fine. I had lots of support back in Boston and all my professors had no problems with me taking a couple weeks off. Beest of luck to you and I am sure you will make the right choice.

[CarlieE]

I can understand the difficulty. My Dad went to college, but not my mother or my brother. And I'll be the first one to go to grad school. I live in the US but my parents and all of my family live in Southeast Asia (and are from there). It's a 36 hour trip (one way!!) and typically a $2000 plane ticket. It can be hard to make the transition, especially if you can't visit your family often. It will be hard, but if your family is anything like mine, they won't want you to give up the possibility of gaining a first class education.

I wasn't there when my grandmother died, or when my dog died, and now my 95 yr old grandfather is failing. My mom had a nervous breakdown - and I also couldn't be there for her through that. It IS hard and Christmas and holidays can be very depressing - but if I gave up, I would be letting my family down too. The ones who are living AND the ones who have passed on.

So far, the sacrifice has been worth it. Facebook, email and skype help a lot, even if they aren't as fulfilling.

[DorindaAfterThyrsis]

For me, the hardest part of living a great distance from my family (they are in BC, I'm in Toronto) isn't so much not being there for emergencies (like others have said, they are rare and generally not something you could necessarily "help" with), but not being there for the happy/important moments. I have three young nieces and a nephew with whom I am very close, and not being around for them is incredibly hard. Every single birthday party that I miss is truly brutal for me.

BUT: Skype is amazing. The kiddies get a kick out of setting up Skype dates with me (which mostly consist of a parade of showing me their latest toys and drawings, and me not being able to get a word in edgewise ), and I get to feel like I still have a presence in their lives. It helps a little, and I make sure I save up so that I can go home at least once a year. It's not perfect, but it's a compromise I have to make if I want to achieve the things I have set out for myself.

Long story short: living far away from your family is hard, and will always be hard, especially when "big" moments (whether happy or sad) occur in your family's life. However, if you make an effort to stay connected, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty for things you can't control, it's a manageable hurt. Don't willfully limit your future just to assuage a guilty conscience. Your family wants the best for you. Go for it at the highest level that you can.

Just my $0.02.

[katiemk1230]

Sociology/Crim Lady, I am so sorry about your brother's wife! I'm sure this is a really difficult time for you, and having to make a decision about grad school on top of this is probably very stressful.

I too live an hour from home and am contemplating moving pretty far away for Grad School, so I can understand your concern. I would echo what the other posters have said though - that the "what if"s shouldn't hold you back from a school (or for any aspect of life, for that matter). However, if family closeness (regardless of possible emergencies or bad things happening) is something that is equally or more important to you than what you are studying, it is a legitimate concern to take into the decision making process. Some questions you might want to ask yourself would be: 'Can I afford to fly(or drive) back home when I need/want to (and how often could I do this)?" "Am I doing this because *I* want to, or because I feel my family wants/needs me close by?" and you may also want to compare how the closer-to-home schools compare to the farther away ones in terms of your wants and needs from an education. If they are equal or one closer to home is better, then it might make more sense to stay closer to home, or vice-versa.

I would also advise that because the grief you must be experiencing right now is extremely powerful, that you maybe wait to think about this issue more in depth until a little later (if possible - I know deadlines approach quickly). This experience may make you more inclined to make a decision that you would not have otherwise made, and you may want to make sure you're a little more objective when you make the decision. Have you received decisions from all the schools yet? It may be best to wait until you receive all the offers (of admission and of financial assistance) first. Have you talked to your family at all about your concerns? What are their thoughts? I know they support you and are proud of you - are they in agreement that the best school for you is where you should be, regardless of anything else?

[DorindaAfterThyrsis]

^^ That is incredibly sound advice.

[ANLstyle]

This an informative and supportive thread! Thank you DorindaAfterThyrsis and katiemk1230, your advice is helping me form my decision for graduate school too! Way to be supportive of other discussion members!

[Mal83]

An emergency is something that crosses my mind every so often. I'm living in the DC/VA area and my parents, plus a few other family members, live in Arizona. I have family in NJ, that's where we're all from, but my parents just upped and moved out a few years ago to their dream place thousands of miles away. I don't blame them at all, it's beautiful and I lived with them for a little while, I'm happy for them, but if they lived in NJ that would be a 3 hour train ride instead of a 500 dollar plane ticket to go visit. Anyway, the point is that it does worry me that something will happen and I just won't be there. I'm an only child and my parents and I are very tight so the thought of it kind of turns my stomach. A couple of other family members are out there too so it's not like they're alone, but it's still something that's on my mind, especially since I don't have any siblings to come together with and share in the situation. And as others have said, I too don't feel that great about seeing them maybe once a year or so, we're so close and it's like we'll be missing out on each others' lives. I mean we're in touch all of the time via skype, phone, and email, but sometimes I just want to go shopping with my mom or barbeque with my dad. But in my field I have to be where I am and I love it so much and dreamed of this for so long I wouldn't even think of giving it up and they would never expect me to do that. I'm determined to make sure I get out there once a year and they'll be able to get out here every so often, so we'll carry on that way and it'll have to do. It just depends on what's right for you, some people center their lives around their families and others physically have to be farther away for whatever reason. If being so far away doesn't feel right to you than it probably isn't. Either way, it's a sacrifice, professional/academic vs. family/relationships. But my relationship with my parents/family isn't compromised or weakened. And you can't make major decision in your life based on the chance that something bad will happen, you would never go anywhere or do anything that way. Even if you're an hour away you can't prevent a heart attack or an accident. Knowing that you'll drop everything in the event of an emergency and get out there and soon as humanly possible should be devotion enough. I know someone who didn't even go to his father's funeral because he didn't "like" him. I was genuinely sad to hear that, it must be a very empty feeling. It made me feel fortunate for the great relationship I have with mine and I can surely say that when the time comes that he and my mom need me I will drop everything and be on a plane 10 minutes ago.

[verdalantreas]

Am in a similar situation. Have been away for my masters as well, but that was less far. Have to make a choice now about whether to go to some place far, or to re-apply next year.

Missing family is bad, but being far from friends is horrible as well. Especially as I feel that making friends may be harder now than it was during undergrad.

Another concern of mine is that I fear that I will have a hard time settling in in the US city I will be going to. Where I am from everything is walkable, and cities are somewhat historic, and welcoming. While in the US they seem not.

How do other non-Americans feel about this?

[CarlieE]

Another concern of mine is that I fear that I will have a hard time settling in in the US city I will be going to. Where I am from everything is walkable, and cities are somewhat historic, and welcoming. While in the US they seem not.

How do other non-Americans feel about this?

Being originally from Southeast Asia where there is a lot of public transportation and walking is just how it's done, I'll say the transition takes time. I've lived in the US now for more than a decade, but the differences are still there and sometimes it still sucks. Depending on where you are going, you "will" probably need a car to go wherever you want to go with convenience. I suggest saving up and getting a cheap used car and your drivers license (Are you from Europe? I assume you don't have one?) DLs are not difficult to obtain or expensive and you don't have to go through a driving school to get one - but a good friend who is willing to teach you the basics and kind of be your "mentor" for a few weeks is very, very, very helpful.

I have a car, but I am thinking of just keeping it in my driveway and using a scooter for school - MUCH cheaper on gas and I've found brand new scooters for under $500. If you are not coming to the US with a spouse or kids etc, then you might consider this kind of transport to get you around faster than by the (usually non-existent or highly inconvenient) public transportation systems.

About cities being welcoming and historic... well, I think that depends on what you consider historic. I agree that it seems 200 years isn't as long as history as in some other places (Haha Angkor Wat for me LOL) but US cities can still have "sacred" kind of feel. It is simply a different culture in the US than elsewhere. Sometimes it feels as though Americans are not as friendly as people where I am from and sometimes really rude. I found it very rude when I first got here that people would ask me how many siblings I have, or what my parents do. I thought it rude that Americans asked so many personal questions right up front.

Over time I realized that this means they like me and are trying to make me feel welcome.

Of course, I have also had horribly racist encounters too.. ie. "Wow, your English is so good. How did you learn it?" or "Do your people know about Christmas?". To the first question my answer is: Missionaries. And to the second, my answer is, Only those of us who have internet access in our jungle tree houses.

I'd say to expect a bit of culture shock. You will find new friends and its THOSE people who will make America a great, great place. Good Luck

Edited February 21, 2012 by anthroDork

[Sarahmarie]

What a great topic - and great advice. First of all to the OP - I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your family is holding up as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I am in a similar situation, having applied to many out of state schools before finding out my dad has cancer (stage 4 - uncurable). He is stable now and doing okay but that can turn on a dime and my mom's health isn't 100% either. But both of them have been so supportive and insist that I go where I want and create my future. I feel so lucky to have that because I know many people in my position whose parents and family guilt them into sticking around to be a caregiver. But I have spent the past year helping and spending a lot of time with my parents I am confident I can leave and be happy with my decision. I know wherever I go, I will only be a plane ride away and this is what they want. More importantly, this is what I want and in the end it will all work out. I think the most important thing in this situation is to be confident in your decision and know that you have to do what's best for you. Making a decision based on what might happen or what could be is bound to cause some regrets later on.

To everyone in this boat, I wish us all luck and godspeed as we forge ahead. May we each make the decisions that are right for all of us!

[Guest oldname12]

I think another consideration is that there really probably isn't too much of a difference sometimes between a location 8 hours or 20 hours away. Once you are more than 7 or 8 hours away, it is basically a full day of flying or driving to get back home (and in some cases flying may even be shorter).