Entering grad school without passion

[braunsg]

Last year around this time, I received an offer of admission to Yale for the biophysics track in their BBS program. I accepted the offer, but then I found out I received a Fulbright fellowship to do research in Japan. I accepted the Fulbright, was granted a one-year deferment to Yale, and now am living in Japan until about July.

I've had plans all along to return to the states in July in order to prepare for grad school, but all of a sudden recently I've been having doubts about grad school, especially my program. Throughout this year, I've discovered that I'm really not all that sure I'm passionate about biophysics anymore -- in fact, I'm not really sure what I'm passionate about anymore, beyond Asian studies and learning Japanese. All my life, I've had this image in my head that I'd grow up to become a scientist of some sort, but now I'm coming face to face with the reality that I don't know if I'm really passionate enough about my topic. I also get really bored by research, which is something I've admitted to myself just recently, and I feel like a Ph.D. essentially only prepares you for a career in research or academia (although I do like the idea of teaching).

I'm not sure if this sudden realization means I just need a change of direction in my studies or what, but it's scary because I'm set to go to Yale in the fall. What if I get there and realize I'm just absolutely miserable? That I don't like what I'm studying enough to push myself through it? I could just go for a masters degree, but I worry I would leave feeling like I failed because I couldn't finish the Ph.D. Alternatively, I could get to grad school, find something new that I'm really interested in, and focus on that. But what if that's not the case and I end up regretting everything?

This is complicated by the fact that I know I'm passionate about Asian studies and Japanese language. I've always looked for ways to integrate Asian studies and science into a legitimate career path, but now I just feel like I can only have one or the other, and it's incredibly frustrating.

I'm almost considering declining my offer of admission to Yale, but that just seems so risky, even given all my concerns about not enjoying what I'm studying. What would you do if you were in my shoes? How much passion does one really need to make it through grad school, and would I find my passion for something new ignited once I got there?

[Bimmerman]

I was sort of in your position. I won an NSF and was accepted to an engineering MS/PhD program at a top 5 school.....and over the summer while working in a prof's lab I realized I had zero interest in continuing down the research path. I worked in industry all during my undergrad and really enjoyed that world, and want to go back there. I also realized that in industry in my field a PhD gets you the same starting salary as an MS.....so when you factor in promotions in the intervening 4 years the MS holder will be earning much more than the PhD guy, all else equal. That said, the more specialized kinds of jobs I would get with a PhD don't interest me at all. There's no incentive to getting a PhD, so....I'm not going to tilt at windmills anymore. Thankfully NSF does fund Masters' students, so I don't lose my funding.

My school requires every incoming PhD student to earn a masters first from them, so I'm just doing a masters and going into industry. If I ever go back to school it'll be in 10+ years for an MBA. I tried the research world, realized I didn't like it whatsoever, and changed paths. There isn't anything wrong with that, if it's not right it's not right. After a lot of thinking and reflection I realized the only real reason I had applied to PhD programs was family 'encouragement' (read: expectations), which really was not enough of a reason for me to be miserable for 5+ years.

My advice would be to try the field you applied to, try doing a research rotation or something. You will find out quickly if it is really for you or not, and that's something only you can decide.

[pogopuschel]

What if I get there and realize I'm just absolutely miserable?

What if you don't go there and regret it for the rest of your life? It's better to go and find out that you'll be miserable quickly than living with doubts and "What if" regrets later on. If you're not absolutely sure about something I think it's always best to verify it as quickly as possible, even you turn out the be right. Cheers from someone else in Japan

Edited February 21, 2012 by pogopuschel

[unitname]

I think you should go and at least try. Opportunities like the ones granted to you don't come everyday. In fact, they are rare. You should at least try. You might love it all over again.

If you do choose to go forth, go all in. Bring your "A" game and get ready to "F up the competition". If you have a defeatist attitude and are waiting for reasons to be let down, you will inevitably be let down. Make a mental decision of what you want to do, and put 150% of your energy into it. Give yourself a chance!

Good luck.

Edited February 21, 2012 by mjj58

[dcarroll]

How old are you?

If your in your early twenties, you will really regret declining your offer later.

I would accept, and see how the first semester goes. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving it 6 months.

You can always just finish up with a MS if the PhD is not for you.

You need more perspective to see if this is just a temporary SLUMP or RUT that your in regarding science. I get in rut lots of times with my passions such as playing music and feel that I hate it. But if I wait it out, I always return and enjoy it again.

The passion may return tenfold in the right environment or with some ethusiasm provided by your peers.

[the lee]

in contrast to what other people are saying, http://www.swarthmor...gradschool.html (i highly recommend you read that. it's geared towards a humanity majors audience, but parts of it are 100% applicable to you in this situation). especially mjj58, i don't think s/he has had self-doubt, which makes his/her opinion much less valuable to you. namely, "trying it out" could be very psychologically costly for you. i am doing a MA right now and looking at PhD offers, and the line "Independently evaluating academic life from within its confines is a near-impossibility" speaks volumes of truth to me right now.

i'm going through the same thing as you (if in slightly different fields), and honestly i'm beginning to feel if i have doubts now, i'm either going to collapse in the midst of comps OR i'm going to have PTSD when I try to leave OR i'm going to hate to my life.

of course, again the audience of that original article was humanities majors. so potentially there's less of an opportunity cost if you're doing biophysics. myself, i'm thinking of going into a social science, but my work and passion has been computer engineering/programming, so there's a _very_ significant opportunity cost to a phd in social science if i want to change paths afterwards.

also: if you don't have passion now, you may never see the other side. you have to go in with a passion, or so tells me every tenured professor i've ever spoken with, because you have to be willing to do what you are studying through thick and thin.

Edited February 21, 2012 by the lee

[Megan]

I'm not in your field, but I have been in your position before (actually, almost exactly, although it wasn't grad school, but something else). I'm going to have to agree with everybody but the last poster. Unless you have a competing opportunity in Japan right now that will not be there in a year, go to Yale. If you hate it, after a year, shift tracks. Even as somebody going into my PhD relatively late, one year is not that long. Heck, you can drop after 6 months if you really want to.

For me, and talking to friends many of them have similar experiences, traveling and getting ready to leave puts you in a weird mindset. You're embedded in a situation so different from the one you are entering that it's hard to get any perspective on what you are going into. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, or that there's no potential for you to dislike it once you are there. What I'm saying is, there's just as much chance that you will get there and remember why you liked it in the first place.

Bottom line, you don't lose anything by going to Yale (unless, like I said, there's an opportunity in Japan that you haven't outlined that wouldn't be there in a year), except possibly one year of time. If you DO hate it or feel not great about it, then leave. Grad school isn't prison, and you can bail pretty much whenever you want. I'm also assuming that since it's Yale you are fully funded, so you are also not losing money?

The advice that you have to go in with passion is true, but I would argue that right now it isn't that you have no passion, it's that you aren't sure you have passion. So, go find out. The worst thing that happens is that it's a learning experience and you have a year to spend figuring out what to do next.

[braunsg]

Thanks for the input, everyone. I think a lot of interesting, valid points have been made. For now, I am leaning towards just going ahead with my plans of arriving at Yale in the fall and hoping for the best. After all, it's paid for, and if anything, I can leave whenever I want if I really hate it.

It's also possible that these feelings of uncertainty I'm having are rooted too deeply in some of the dissatisfaction and setbacks I've been experiencing during my time on this grant. Maybe with a change in environment, I'll rediscover what I'm really interested in and get things moving

[fes_alum]

If you have doubts, don't do it...especially if you're not passionate about it. Two years ago I was admitted into a PhD program and within three months, I realized that I wasn't passionate about my research and withdrew from the program. This is problematic for a couple of reasons:

1. I was selected for this particluar PhD position from a pool of 89 applicants. After I left, the position AND funding was axed. I had taken this opportunity away from a deserving student.

2. Two years later, I know what I am passionate about and have re-applied for doctoral studies (similar field but different area). Now I have to defend my decision to withdraw from my previous PhD program and explain why I should be given a second chance. When applications are up and department budgets tight, I find that I am not as competitive or desirable as I once was.

If you think that you may withdraw after a semester or even a year, don't do it. It'll be a year that you could use to pursue the true passions in your life or re-evaluate your educational goals. But more so, you won't be taking away the opportunity from another student.

Best of luck with your decision.

[Stately Plump]

As soon as I read the title of this thread, I thought, "NO."

While I, too, agree with avoiding situations that you will regret forever, I can't imagine slogging through research that I'm not passionate about for several (5+?) years, only to prepare myself for a situation that I'm not sure I want to be in. I would much sooner just get a job in the "real world," and not live as a lowly graduate student trying (often futilely) to gain the respect of my professors, all while watching my non-academia friends get good jobs, start families, and live normal lives for 25-35 year olds. Realize that, coming out of graduate school, many of us will be 30ish and just trying to find our first "real" job; we will very likely not have families (I realize there are exceptions) and we will very likely have to relocate, something that isn't too fun at 30+. For me, those would be some serious deterrents to committing myself 110% (the necessary commitment rate to succeed in an often cut-throat academic environment) to my research.

I have two caveats to what I've just said.

The first is that I have had moments of doubt, where I question what I'm doing and consider other career choices. This sometimes lasts as long as a few weeks. However, when I think critically about where I actually want to be in the next few years, I settle, once again, on my current choice. So my point is, don't be swayed by "mood swings".

The second is that I am applying to PhD programs in the humanities, where the chances of getting a job are ridiculously low. It's almost not worth it even if you are incredibly passionate about it and cannot see yourself doing anything else, ever. I'm pretty sure that isn't the case for you science folk. So in that regard, I may have less of an understanding about your situation. If I saw someone post this thread over in the lit forum, I would ask for their telephone number so I could call them personally and persuade them not to attend.

Just for me: I can't see mustering up the motivation to complete graduate-level work without the passion to do so. When I am bored by something, I put it off for as long as possible, and more often than not, it never actually gets done (e.g., laundry, house-cleaning).

Just my two cents

Edited February 24, 2012 by Stately Plump

[Semester Photon]

I'm not sure if you've already made your decision. I will say that you should go with your gut.

I wasn't sure myself about entering grad school. I was "burnt out" on my subject when I graduated two years ago. Now though I realize that I do love my subject (applied math) even though it can be extremely frustrating and even tedious sometimes, but it can also be extremely rewarding. I'm going into this with the attitude that I am going to hate my subject somedays, and I am going to have to find the patience to get through those periods because there's a beauty in using models to help understand the world that I also get to experience. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with my subject, but somehow I can't see myself living without it.

[welfareballer]

FWIW, the math TA's I've talked to at the undergrad place I go to, a ~15th ranked program, they were not "Oh my god if I couldn't do math I'd die." They were more like "I kinda like math and I thought it would be a good experience so I did it." It might be different at Yale, but I really can't imagine many 22 year olds are dead set sure they love what they do.

[wildviolet]

I'm not sure if you've already made your decision. I will say that you should go with your gut.

I wasn't sure myself about entering grad school. I was "burnt out" on my subject when I graduated two years ago. Now though I realize that I do love my subject (applied math) even though it can be extremely frustrating and even tedious sometimes, but it can also be extremely rewarding. I'm going into this with the attitude that I am going to hate my subject somedays, and I am going to have to find the patience to get through those periods because there's a beauty in using models to help understand the world that I also get to experience. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with my subject, but somehow I can't see myself living without it.

I second this.

Once you are admitted to a PhD program, the one personal quality that will help you succeed through thick and thin, good times and bad, is persistence. So, what will fuel you through 5+ years of grad school? Passion is one thing. But, I think, also knowing that it will have its up and downs. Even though I understand that others are waiting for a spot, I also think that you have to look out for yourself, too. So, it won't hurt to attend in the fall. If you like it, great. If it's not for you, leave with a Masters or after the first year and free up that spot for someone else.

[natsteel]

braunsg, I strongly agree with those who say to give it a chance. Don't deny yourself the chance to try out an opportunity which you have earned because of anyone else (i.e., the other student who would take your spot). I think it's very possible that you will find something new to be passionate about once you're here. After all the resources here at Yale are fantastic. There's also the possibility that you could indulge your interests in Asian Studies here as well. You have a very rare opportunity and it would be crazy to not even give it a shot. Best of luck!!