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mylstisr

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Hi everyone!

I've been a long time lurker this entire fall/winter season until now....the waiting period...my anxieties are starting to get the best of me so I finally made an account and started posting so I can share my neuroticisms.

I have two top choices- I've gotten into one and am waiting on the other. The school I am waiting on is in the city I am currently in. I don't want to leave the city I am in because I love it so much and because I have a boyfriend who I care about greatly as well.

All things being equal, if I get into my other top choice, it is going to be absolutely impossible for me to choose programs. Some people will say "well won't it depend on what kind of funding offers you get?" but I am pretty sure if I get into my other top choice I will get a very comparable funding package. Both schools have excellent programs with professors I am deeply excited about working with.

The factor that is making all of this so much harder is the boyfriend. I love him a lot and would love for him to come with me wherever I go but he can't leave his job right now- well obviously anything is possible, but he has an excellent job and he just got a huge promotion and raise (which during an economy is impressive to say the least). We've already both decided we're not the kind of people who can do a long distance relationship. So if I don't get into my other top choice in my current city, I will be moving away.

So is it weird that instead of thinking about the pros and cons of the schools/departments, all I can think about is my relationship with him and whether or not it's going to end??? I know a while back there was a poll about the status of people's romantic situations and a short discussion of how it was helping/hurting the situation- I guess I just want to know if anyone else is in my situation :-(

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My SO and I also discussed this dilemma. We came to the conclusion that he couldn't possibly leave to come with me, and that we also would have a very hard time with the long distance (cross-country) relationship. So we decided that if I have to go, we would try it, but wouldn't expect it to work, and wouldn't have hard feelings, so we would stay friends. And if we were both single when I finished the PhD, we would try to pick it up again. My decision was eventually made easier by rejections from the schools in my current city :) But the bottom line for me in the decision making was that I was going to give away 5+ years of my life for something that would change my life and open a lot of opportunities for me, and for which there is no substitute. And unless you are ready right now to settle with your boyfriend and start a family/spend your life with him, the rest of your life should trump this relationship. All personal opinion, of course :)

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Go to your dream school.

You're on this site. You're applying to grad school. Academia is what you're about (either that, or you've made a horrible, horrible mistake applying to grad school). If you go to anything but your dream program, you will resent your partner and it will wreck your relationship.

Apologies for being so blunt. The way I think of it is the academy and the church sort of share a common heritage, and going into one is remarkably similar, lifestyle-wise, to going into the other. You do it if you have a calling -- and callings have a way of asserting themselves even over relationships.

The two body problem sucks. Sorry you have to deal with it...

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I agree. I submitted in another post that I'm willing to leave my SO of five years for grad school and I think 4 or 5 people after me said that I'm the biggest loser for doing so, and I am a disgusting person for making that choice...

I totally understand you on this. It's not like I would walk away and say peace, I'm out. Of course we would try to make it work but I'm not naive enough to think that it would work out for sure, I'm sure some long-distance relationships end up working out, but the majority of them don't. Just think about this, you never know what could happen, and if a couple years down the road you break up, you will end up resenting him for it, and yourself for choosing not to go to your dream school. Think of all the reasons why you applied to grad school in the first place...

Good luck and I wish you happiness in whichever path you choose.

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i am all about academia. i am finishing my masters right now, i love the learning process, nothing appeals to me more than researching my life away.

BUT there's a small part of me that is scared that someday i might end up with my dream career (successful and fulfilling) but end up alone (and lonely), is that pathetic to think about?

You guys are giving great advice and more support than you realize, so thank you for the responses. Just knowing other people have struggled with this helps in a way.

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BUT there's a small part of me that is scared that someday i might end up with my dream career (successful and fulfilling) but end up alone (and lonely), is that pathetic to think about?

No. But I was one of those awful people who suggested in the other thread that maybe, just sometimes, people can be more important than career, and that I'd seen many examples (in my current career, for example) of people who had put career before everything else, and are miserable because that's all they have. However, as I got shouted down there, I'll refrain from saying more.

And msphdhopeful: I think one person made the "disgusting" comment; the rest of us were just sharing our perspectives. Personally I just think that important people often fall through the cracks in a process where it's easy to become completely obsessed with "getting in."

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mai.youa.lor, it's not pathetic at all, I share the same fears and constantly have to fight through them. Only you know what's best for you, and at the end of the day it is your life and happiness.

synthla, I understand you were just sharing your perspective, no harm done there.

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msphd,

I read the thread you are referring to, and I too was surprised at the negative reaction you received. I am in a similar situation, so I empathize. The decisions we have to make are not going to be easy, but my SO and myself realize the importance of education and being happy within your career. When it becomes an "your great job v. my education and future" issue, compromise is difficult, and in some cases, improbable. This does not make you crazy-career-only-loser person. If you are anything like me, you weighed the options carefully and pragmatically, and realized the best path.

synthla,

that being said, please understand that none of these situations are easy and careless. The people in our lives are more important than almost anything. Walking away from a relationship is never simple. In my situation, I am going to grad school (WHEN I get in somewhere... arg) if SO goes with me, even better. If not, I will be pretty miserable, but he knew my plans from the outset. The SOs are equally responsible for making decisions, they can go, or they can be the ones that stay. Not terribly romantic, obviously, but realistic. I agree there are people that put career in front of everything, and that isn't healthy. But in this stage of life (not married, no kids, no defined commitment) every option is available to both parties in the relationship. Also, the topic of the other thread was the ridiculous things you would do to get a PhD, I was planning on replying with "chew off my own arm." Now that would be disgusting! :D

mai,

you have a difficult decision to make, but not all the results are in. For example, those funding packages might vary enough to sway your SO into moving, or adversely you may find it better to stay. Try not to stress yourself too much on this until you have all the information with which to make a decision. There is enough stress to deal with in just the waiting! I certainly sympathize, but none of us have your exact situation, so we can't tell you which to do. Also, I think everyone fears being alone, with or without a successful career. Just follow both your head and your heart, and you will be just fine. Hang in there!

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I am in the opposite situation. I applied to three programs to be near someone. Oh, they are excellent programs in my field, so I was not comprising the quality of my education for (unrequited) love. Of course, she does not know that I did this to be near her. Nor does she know that I am madly, hopelessly, terribly in love with her.

And, last night, she emailed me to tell me she might be moving out of the area--and moving overseas--over the summer.

I was looking forward to August so anxiously, when we could be together again. I have spent the last two years of my life planning a way to return to be close to her and living these crazy fantasies where once we were in close geographic proximity she would realize that I am the one one. At the very least, I thought that once we were together again we could work through all the tension and ackwardness that take over our friendship during the rare moments we have spent together these past two years. Now, I really want to get into the very competitive programs that are nowhere near this city. I guess it's all for the better anyway; nothing was ever going to happen between us. But, she has taken the joy away from my acceptances.

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I know it must be difficult to talk about this now (i.e. without even knowing about the "win-win" situation), but I just wanted to agree with others that, on one hand, yes, going into grad school signifies some sort of a "calling", but on the other hand, I'm sorry to say (because it muddies the waters a bit), so is love.

My girlfriend and I are in not-quite the same circumstances, but we're both applying to places and have applied to mostly the same geographical areas, but we (read: I) have a bad history with long-distance, and I think we're both incredibly skeptical of that outcome should we be in different regions. We're stuck waiting it out until we have a better sense of options. See more on long-distance sub.

What I will say is that you know how you feel about your SO and that I'm sure he's got some kind of understanding/hopes about what will happen. You really should talk about it with him and do your best to be honest. There may be a fork in the road or there might not be, but no discussion board posts can give validation or make the decision any easier. It sounds like you'd rather go to the school that isn't in your home city (otherwise why the dilemma of choice if you get into your home city school?) to me, but that the bonus for the other school is that it's in an area you like (what about the other area?) and that your SO is close-at-hand (how far apart would you two actually be? is this curable by a regular/irregular dose of weekend train/bus-rides?)

As for long-distance, I was in an MA program last year and knew a ton of people that fell out of love/their relationship, but some people that I never thought would last ended up lasting and getting closer and I also know people that stuck it out despite some HUGE blunders (read: me). There is a stigma, and rightly so, but don't let the stigma keep you from trying to keep something alive with someone that you love. Love conquers some of the time and it certainly can conquer the long-distance heebie-jeebies. If you decide it's too much, then no one can blame you. As if there aren't already enough cliched lines here, honesty really is the best policy, and that's up for you and him to work out.

*I say "him" and "boyfriend" throughout, but, honestly, I can't remember your SO's gender. Please forgive me if I've gotten it mixed-up.

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I'm not sure I have much advice to offer, but I totally sympathize! I can at least offer my experience from both sides...

I have been with my bf for many years and several years of our relationship now have been long distance (not all at once.. it has been off and on long distance). I am finishing up my masters now and we are long distance, just a few states apart. The PhD programs I am applying to are on opposite sides of the country and I just don't think I can keep doing the long distance. As I said, we've done it before and it was great, but to make it work, you totally have to be committed. I'm just totally focused on other things now and not being the gf I should be. I can only imagine it will be worse once I start the PhD. The point of this rant? He is totally committed to making it work.. meanwhile as my acceptances from the other side of the country come in.. all I think about is that I know it is coming to an end... so I totally can sympathize! it's rough- he is a GREAT guy and I too have in the back of my mind that I"m being stupid and will end up a lonely PhD (but.. come on.. you can't think that way!)

From the other side of the coin- several years back my bf started working for a company and they gave him a choice of taking a position in the same location we were currently living, or overseas . We were in love and he chose to stay in the states rather than taking the overseas post (that he really, really wanted to take). I never asked him to stay, he wanted to do it for "us".. but I was thrilled he chose to. Well years later, here we are, and even though it was his choice, I feel guilty he didn't take that offer. He's never thrown that in my face, and it was his choice... but man, it would have been such a great experience for him. At that time, neither one of us thought we would ever break up.

So I think.. you just gotta do what is right for you, whichever decision that happens to be. I've done the long distance, I've done the "stay for the SO" gig, and I'm about to do the "break up due to distance" thing.. all with the same guy. They've all had their uncertainties and unknowns- you just never know how it will play out. But no matter what, things always work out in the end. So whatever you chose, keep your head up and good luck!

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