What did I get myself into?

[WornOutGrad]

I'm sure this is pretty common in Graduate school, but I also understand many others who love grad school.

Honestly, I hate my life in many ways because I made the decision to go to grad school. I'm starting my third year in a MS program, and I have lost all ambition, desire, focus, and hope. I just want to be done, but I have no energy left to finish. It's clear that my advisor does not care one bit about me, and cares even less about my career goals. All she wants to see is me go on to a PhD, which I have absolutely no desire to do. I couldn't imagine doing this for another 6-10 years in a PhD! I've told her that many times, and while she will sound accepting at the moment, it's clear that she just hopes that I will come around, and honestly, I think she passively-aggressively looks down on me because I don't want to go for one. She changes things on me thesis-wise almost every week (including changing my topic on me THREE DIFFERENT TIMES in the past two years), and it's clear to me that I will never have long-term success with her. It just seems like I can never satisfy her, and it's to the point where I'm both terrified to send her anything, and I also just wonder "why bother?" This summer, I've been working a pretty awesome internship which had really pumped me up for a while, but now, after seeing renewed disinterest/disdain/hostility from my advisor, I'm more discouraged than ever. I really can't take this much longer! It's gotten to a point where it's almost impossible to get out of bed in the morning, and when I do get up, the only thing I look forward to is the day ending, and being able to go back to bed.

However, the more I read on here, the more I feel like I'm screwed. I am going nowhere with my thesis, and I have lost all energy to push through it. At this point, I just want to walk away. But I realize that it will just screw me. However, I can't just rot in my program for a lot longer (not to mention that I'm getting married next year), and any attempts to jumpstart this have been met with complete failure and deeper depression. Don't worry about me wanting to kill myself or anything (I've felt that way in the past), but I seriously just want to jump on a train and get as far away from Grad School as possible. I don't see any way out anymore. Either I give up, and burn a lot of bridges (not to mention the thousands I've gone into debt for this over), Try to push through and probably end up deeper in depression and dispair (and debt), likely to have my advisor give up on me sometime and deal with the fallout of that. Try to acceed to my advisor's vision of me, which then means going on to spend another 6-10 years of my life in a PhD I can't afford, don't want, and will likely rule out many of the job opportinities I do want (because PhD's often close more doors than open), Change advisors which would likely be a disaster in my ways, or, I don't know what else to do?

I think going to Grad school was good for me in many ways, but now I'm at a point where I don't see this ending well. Because of that, I've lost all motivation and hope. I just wish I had been wiser in selecting my school, advisor, etc. Additionally, I wish I have tried to a more professional/coursework masters since I almost despise research now.

Sorry for the rant. I just don't know what to do.

[Dal PhDer]

ok...I am not sure where to start on this because I have so many points that I want to say/ask you...so maybe I will just put down my thoughts!

Firstly, I know how it feels. A couple months back I was in the same 'head space' as you. I didn't want to get up, thinking about my thesis was like sticking a hot poker in my eye, and I felt complete and utter disinterest from my supervisor.

* How far have you gotten into your thesis. You said you are entering your third year. Ideally, a masters should be 2 years. If you're going into your third you should be at the point where you're writing and preparing to defend. Knowing how far along you are will help provide advice.

*If you are at the writing stage and are finding your supervisor not helpful and destructive with your progress, then perhaps seek out a committee member and/or departmental mentor to help you along. Also, your school's writing center is a great resource.

*If you are at the stage where you are beginning data collection or analysis stage- perhaps see if you can bring on a co-supervisor to help you out with this and your progress.

*If you are no where near any of those stages I would (a) cut my loses and just say right now in this situation this is not for me {which is completely fine! Grad school isn't for everyone! You wouldn't be any less of a student/person/etc. if you decided it wasn't for you!} or ( cut the supervisor and project completely and find someone to work with. This option might seem overwhelming and depressing, because you'll be starting over- but as someone who is going into their 3rd year of their PhD and starting off on a new project- it's completely worth it! Having a project you're interested in and love is important.

*I think you can manage this situation without burning bridges. If you want to leave, bring on a new supervisor, or switch supervisors it can be done in a way that's polite and respectful to your current supervisor and committee. In the end, you are the only on responsible for your career path and the only one that should really be looking out for it. If you have a supervisor that is super supportive and dedicated to enriching your future career, that's awesome (but often not the case).

*It seems like you and your supervisor do not have the type of relationship you would like. Some students like a hands on supervisor and some don't. Myself, I like a supervisor that is hands on and provide concrete direction...so I understand how you feel as your supervisor experience is much like mine. I have found that my supervisor changes direction and topic for me a lot...so much so that sometimes I feel that I am running around in a circle chasing my own tail. The only advice I can give you is (1) always take notes and present them to your advisor when they give you mixed advice, (2) hold a committee meeting to discuss the direction of your project and leave there with a solid plan and direction, or (3) bring on an additional advisor to help focus and direct your project.

* I would also recommend talking to your graduate coordinator. Believe it or not, many students feel like this and are not sure what the next best steps are for them. Your grad supervisor can help offer advice and what your best options are.

* I would also go talk to your career center and think about what type of career paths excite you. They can help you with what sort of path you should be taking for the career you want and/or present you with job opportunities for your current degrees! They are really helpful!

*I am a strong believer that you have to do what makes YOU happy. You should talk to your grad coordinator and maybe take a week or two off completely from school to think about how you feel and what you want to do. There are many options available. Perhaps this particular degree, department and/or school is not for you!

Good luck!

[ktel]

Certain things in your post ring really true for me. Now my supervisor isn't actively trying to sabotage me, luckily, but I do feel disinterested in my research and don't have the kind of relationship with my supervisor that I think I could have had with someone else. I've actually contacted counselling and psych services at my university and am starting to see a counselor to help deal with my anxiety and feelings of general despair towards my degree. Perhaps you might find this helpful.

Like you, I just want to be done and out of here. Fortunately the only person stopping me is myself.

[WornOutGrad]

Hi Dal,

First off, thank you so much for your quick response. You seem to be on fire today

First answer: I honestly don't know where I'm at anymore. One day my advisor tells me that my work is almost done and that I should start writing, the next say she starts changing things around and almost seems annoyed/confused that I am writing. At this point, I'm just trying to say screw it, and write, because it is somewhat motivating to see my thesis take form, but then she changes things again, and all my writing goes out the window. She has done a poor job at giving me an idea of where I'm at, should be, or even the purpose of this project. It doesn't even feel like my project anymore. At this point, whatever gets me out the door quickest is what I'm trying to do.

I wonder every day if that involves putting my foot down and saying "look, I've worked my butt off on this, and I need to be wrapping up on it. We both know that this is enough for a thesis (you have told me so multiple times yourself!). These questions/issues/whatever should have been asked months ago before I started writing, and I don't have the time/energy/willpower to re-do this for the umpteenth time." The only reason why I don't do that is because of the implications, but I can't spend the next year on this... it needs to be winding down so I can write/defend, etc. I'm not even planning on going to a PhD, and so while I would love this to be perfect, I'm taking on that philosophy that "a finished thesis is a good one." Especially at the master's level!

My supervisor does not take people leaving her group well. She's had several students (out of the few she has ever had, including me) leave her group, and she has badmouthed all of them (I know two of them personally, and they were more than just in their actions and more than professional in the way they did it too, which makes me question my advisor). While all that have left have been very successful in their next steps, I don't see this as a matter of starting over. If this does not work out, than it just wasn't meant to be. I have a pretty good rapport with many of the other profs in my department (many who often check in with me to make sure that she is treating me well actally), and so I know they would have no hard feelings towards me if I left her group.

My biggest problem with her is that I never know what I'm going to get from her... she can be the sweetest, most constructive, most helpful person I've worked with, only to turn into an absolute hate filled wrecking machine the next day. She can love my work one day, and put me in the dog house over it the next. It's too bipolar for me! Any good progress I make is usually counteracted with having to do damage control shortly after.

I really have discovered my passion while in Grad School and it's education... specifically climate education. I feel that most scientists are too busy doing research and communicating their findings with other scientists that the general population are left with politicians telling them what to believe, and this creates a lot of confusion/false thoughts/ etc with the matter. I see my career taking on more of a spokesperson from the scientific community to the public on climate change. I'm still figuring out how this would take shape, but I don't think a PhD is necessary.

I just want to be happy with my decisions.

[WornOutGrad]

Certain things in your post ring really true for me. Now my supervisor isn't actively trying to sabotage me, luckily, but I do feel disinterested in my research and don't have the kind of relationship with my supervisor that I think I could have had with someone else. I've actually contacted counselling and psych services at my university and am starting to see a counselor to help deal with my anxiety and feelings of general despair towards my degree. Perhaps you might find this helpful.

Like you, I just want to be done and out of here. Fortunately the only person stopping me is myself.

I've done therapy, and I will do it again when I get back to school from my internship. It has helped me in the past. I even take medication for it, but it doesn't help much.

[fuzzylogician]

WornOutGrad,

Are these changes of heart that your advisor keeps having documented? Can you show that she said X and then later Y (contradicting X)? Can you show that this happens over and over again?

What happened to the students who left the group? Did they manage to graduate under someone else's supervision? Who cares if your advisor badmouths you, as long as you get to leave with your degree?

Before you resign to failure and leave, you should do your best to fight for yourself. That way, later on when you look back at this stage in your life you'll know you did your best. If you try your hardest but don't succeed, you can (and should) still be proud of yourself for fighting through the hardships. Now, exhausting all the avenues that are open to you - once you've reached the conclusion that your advisor is not going to let you graduate anytime soon - includes confronting her about it, then going above her head to the DGS or department chair, and if no satisfactory conclusion is reached, go outside your department. There should be an assistant dean in charge of graduate students, or an ombudsperson, or someone else who could help you. It'd be best to reach an agreement that you can do X amount of work to graduate, preferably after reaching out to as few people as possible. But if not, do your best to raise hell and leave knowing that you tried your hardest.

Whatever you do, though, I think that making a decision to change your circumstances and fight one way or the other is what can get you out of this state of mind that you're in. If you're already thinking about just walking away, seems to me that you are right there and have nothing to lose.

[rising_star]

WornOutGrad, did you write a thesis proposal by any chance? If so, that document is basically a contract saying what you will and won't do in your thesis, and something that your advisor and committee already agreed to. If not, the suggestions Dal gave above are all really sound. At the end of the day, you probably will have to put your foot down and just flat-out ask what must be done to get the degree and do that and nothing more. Alternately, you can try to switch to a non-thesis option for the degree, if your program has such a thing.

[Jimbo2]

My advice would be to have a meeting with your advisor and explicitly agree on what it will take to graduate this year. I read about this concept in Philip Guo's ebook and that sounds like a good strategy. Making the path to graduation unambiguous sounds like it could help you overcome the seeming lack of progress in graduate school.