Getting out smoothly

[louishotpants]

Hi everyone,

First off, I was active here during my application process on a different account but people from my program might still be active here and I am not ready to tell them yet so I made a new account. I hope you all and the mods understand.

I started a highly-ranked PhD program in the humanities in a great city with full funding this year and frankly I can't stand it. Increasingly I feel like I decided to go to grad school for all the wrong reasons.

It's not that I'm going through impostor syndrome (though my gross under-preparedness for this level of academic work is part of my reason for wanting to stop) as much as I've realized that the scholarly life is not for me. 5+ years of work only to chase low-paying short-term jobs as I see my older colleagues doing? I don't think I'm dedicated to my subject of study enough for that to be an appealing lifestyle.

I thought that I could make this program work in a way that I would be happy in it. I could stick it through the MA stage and then reassess how I felt about it. After all, why pass up a chance for an MA if it's paid for? That argument kept me going for a while, but now that the end of the semester is near, with all the looming papers and deadlines, I feel like I'm drowning in work that I suddenly care very little about. I started out the semester determined to perform well. I was getting all the assigned reading done (didn't always happen in undergrad) and contribute intelligently to class discussion. That determination only lasted so long. Bargaining with myself to stick it out for the MA only lasted so long. I'm not cut out for this kind of work. Discussing literature and thought is interesting to me, but I don't have the passion about it that is clearly required to keep going. I can approach it from any angle I'd like, in the end it's just not there.

Now I'm faced with how to transition out of this smoothly. Do I drop everything and leave? Do I tough it out until the end of the year just to be sure? What happens to fellowship money for people who withdraw? What do I tell the professors back home who wrote me glowing recommendations and gave me endless praise expecting me to report back? I feel completely lost.

Thanks for taking the time to read my little rant. Hope you all are happy in your programs and doing well.

[SeriousSillyPutty]

If you can, talk to your advisor about your concerns -- keeping options open, but expressing your issues. If you don't feel comfortable taking to him/her, you might try the career center on campus. That would be removed enough that nobody would be judging you, but the might be able to give a sense of what people would do with an MA, a PhD outside of academia, or give you a sense of the jobs you could apply for were you to leave the program.

Either way, I would recommend getting something in your life other than school; that's helped me to decouple my self-worth from my academic performance, and after midterms, that was a real life saver. Even though the extras take time, it is good to have people in my life who see value in me that doesn't depend on performance at school, and it's good to remind me that my life is more than sum of my classes, which can get pretty dreary at times.

Good luck!

[louishotpants]

Believe it or not, I've already done this by getting involved with the campus radio station, something I did in undergrad and beyond. The problem is that this interests me far more than the actual grad work and helps me to avoid it. Thanks for you advice. I'll try to get in touch with the career center and see what they say.

[SeriousSillyPutty]

Ha, well that is the danger I suppose. But if you're like me, then I bet the time spent productively doing radio stuff would not have been spent productively doing school stuff, so I doubt you're losing that much actual work time. So I'm glad you have something positive in the midst of crappy school stuff. Hopefully others can chip in who have been in similar situations.

[memyselfandcoffee]

I really can't say what your should do, but i really do think your should sit your exams at xmas, because if you bomb you can drop out then. I think you should sit them because you've gone this far and you will never know what your capable of unless you sit them. also while it sounds like this might not be the right career path for you, you might feel a whole lot differently when the exams are over and you have have your results. just do your best ( which in my opinion also involves looking after yourself and having me time) for the next 6-7 weeks and decide after that. you have nothing to lose.

but I also second the other responders advice about going to career centre they will probably have experience with people going through what your going through and can so best advise you. and if after you have tried your best and given it all a far chance I would just like to say there definitely is a life outside academia. I am currently doing a Ph.d and loving it. But none of friends or family have phds and they all have great careers. I have a friend who majored in english and had the option of a phd but choose instead to enter workforce and she works for a leading magazine now.

so academia is definitely not the only way to have satisfying life, probably not even the best way. having said that for some people , like me , it is the best option, researching is what I'm best at and i'm really passionate about my subject.

I do wonder though, for you, if you were through with the classes and exams part of it, would like the research end of it? I like it because, you get to be creative and you really feel like you're working for yourself.

good luck with decision!

[louishotpants]

Thank you for your kind words! I have been talking to my career center and have a longer meeting with them planned for later this month. They were very understanding of my situation and said it was something they see "all the time".

I'm in foreign language program so there really aren't exams, just papers that are not unlike the research I would be doing at the later stages. I think part of my problems is that grad school was kind of a plan b for me. I turned in a couple applications at the encouragement of my undergrad professors, who said I would be a perfect candidate for graduate studies in this field. My thought was that it might be "something to do" if I couldn't find a job. I see what a mistake that was now. I think I lost sight of what I wanted in my life after seeing how good the offer looked on paper - prestigious school, no debt, cool location.

I'm considering finishing out the semester at least to some degree, not sure yet. The truth is not having to be in school and getting back on the job market is much more exciting to me right now than any of the coursework I've completed so far so I think that I am making the right decision

[eco_env]

If the career center doesn't have all the info you need, try the department secretary, or equivelant- someone who has dept-specific info, and won't tattle .

[juilletmercredi]

You sound like you are already sure that you don't want to do this - no point in toughing it out until the end of the year, unless you want to hang on to the funding while you look for jobs.

You can talk to your advisor, if you have one, and just be straightforward and honest. If you don't have an advisor, the DGS may be the person to go to. If you still aren't 100% sure you can frame as you're thinking about leaving because you don't have the passion for it, but if you are already sure, then you may just want to be up front - "I wanted to let you know that I am leaving the program. There is nothing wrong with the program itself, for me; it's just that I have decided that my interests lie elsewhere. I would like to know what the process is for leaving." They will either tell you or refer you to someone who can.

Fellowship money typically is just that. Every program knows they are taking a risk with each student, especially with the attrition rate of PhD programs being 50 percent or thereabouts. Usually if you leave you don't have to repay it. The only exceptions might be something like an NRSA where you're expected to "pay back" the money (usually with years of service as a health researcher, and being a graduate student counts), but it doesn't sound like you have that.

As for your professors at home - I grappled with this when deciding whether or not to leave. The point is, you have to do what's best for YOU. Those professors at home don't have to live your life. Do you want to be miserable for the sake of pleasing other people? They will understand, and if they don't, then they were advising you more for their own gain than your development and well-being and you don't need them anyway. Personally I wouldn't even say anything unless you were very close to a few of them or they ask you.

[prettyuff1]

I am in the same boat as you only I'm staying for the ms portion.

I would speak with a counselor about you feelings of disappointment and letting everyon down. I had the same feelings but when I told my mother about my plan she was very receptive and supportive of my reasons why. I haven't told my advisor yet but in trying to make sure what I plan do is really what I want.

I got in contact with one at school for free who told me how to do it and gave me support with emotions of it all.

I would finish the year strongly even if you aren't staying on. You may decide to go back to school for a different field later in life and may want to use those grades.

Good luck. I know how it feels to be in the dumps with this. It will get better.