Optimism v. Pessimism: "Rejected Until Proven Accepted"

[OnceAndFutureGrad]

So I admit, I'm one of those "a good attitude and positive outlook will take you far" people. I'm not a fan of "The Secret" but I at least in some way believe that enough desire can lead to the desired outcome even against tall odds. My New Agey aunt keeps telling me to "believe in the Universe" and "attract positive thoughts" and "What is meant to be, will be".

Except that that's not how graduate school works! Argh!

If graduate schools did not require extensive applications, grueling standardized testing, and four years (years!) of intensive schoolwork, then yeah maybe being hopeful would be enough to get in. Can you imagine if graduate schools worked the opposite way? Graduate schools send out $90 application fees and $40 copies of exam scores to promising students across the country - they have reaches, targets and safeties - and by April 15 the students finally toss them a bone about where they think is worthy. Seeing as that's not going to happen, I hereby call for the approval of a healthy Rejected Until Proven Accepted (RUPA) attitude.

I'm so sick of everyone - parents, family, friends, the boyfriend - telling me that if I believe hard enough and I stay positive then I can achieve anything. Sure, I can finish writing this paper, or run this mile, but I can't make an app com approve me by the power of good thoughts! My loved ones get mad at me when I look at job opportunities or consider teaching certification programs, as if thinking that I won't get into graduate school will get me magically disqualified. And then when the rejection letters come they give me an "it's not the end of the world" and "this school wasn't good enough for you" attitude, like I really think that a. it's the end of the world b. the school rejected me for being too good. People who are not personally involved with this agonizing, drawn out, and almost entirely arbitrary process need to step back and let us be RUPA.

RUPA - we're allowed to think about the future without graduate school. We're allowed to go on job interviews and apply for certification programs in a non-scholarly field. We're allowed to prepare for rejection by thinking of why this school or that school will ultimately not accept us, even though they're taking their sweet time in letting us know. And most of all, we're allowed to be idiotically happy when an acceptance finally does come, because we weren't gambling our lives on it!

Or maybe I'm wrong and the difference between myself and others with acceptances is that I haven't believed hard enough What's your opinion?

[Dinali]

That's why I clipped a couple of Benjamins to my apps. Gotta send out more than good feelings!

[otakupaul]

Well im a realist (in the philosophical sense); the attitude we take towards something will not affect its state or outcome. It is how it is regardless of what I think of it. I do believe that a positive attitude is crucial when we are doing things, why else apply to do a phd unless you believe that you can do it? But once we've done all we can and its out of our hands... well my hoping or not hoping / optimism or pessimism won't change a thing. Of course thats the hard thing, if you get pessimistic too early you might inadvertently ruin your chances, likewise if you get too optimistic you might find yourself in a tight spot if things don't go your way. But... I do find that having backup plans etc. is cynical, but I don't see an alternative. If I was a man of faith on the other hand I would believe on the strength of the absurd... but since im not ill just sit on my hands and wait.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I really tried that. I thought of the RUPA idea over a month ago (though not the cute acronym--thanks!). I really, really, really tried to believe in the RUPA standard. Alas, my brain refuses to let me. *sigh*

I'm not wildly optimistic. My PI told me, after looking at my list--before I added my "reach" schools--that I would get into all six of the places I was applying to. I didn't believe him then, and I still don't believe him. I added reach schools with a huge degree of reluctance. I listened to my family's encouragement with a huge amount of disbelief. Yes, they got into good grad schools, but they were applying under different circumstances!

I am a naturally cynical person; for example, I am NOT one to believe that you can be anything you want. (After all, lots of people want to be President of the US, and how many actually make it?). Nonetheless, I just can't accept the RUPA mindset. I just can't believe that I will only get into the one school that's already accepted me. I know I won't get into all 9...but I really honestly think that I will get at least one acceptance in the next 2 weeks. Now watch me get proven wrong.

[illinoisellie]

I really tried that. I thought of the RUPA idea over a month ago (though not the cute acronym--thanks!). I really, really, really tried to believe in the RUPA standard. Alas, my brain refuses to let me. *sigh*

I'm not wildly optimistic. My PI told me, after looking at my list--before I added my "reach" schools--that I would get into all six of the places I was applying to. I didn't believe him then, and I still don't believe him. I added reach schools with a huge degree of reluctance. I listened to my family's encouragement with a huge amount of disbelief. Yes, they got into good grad schools, but they were applying under different circumstances!

I am a naturally cynical person; for example, I am NOT one to believe that you can be anything you want. (After all, lots of people want to be President of the US, and how many actually make it?). Nonetheless, I just can't accept the RUPA mindset. I just can't believe that I will only get into the one school that's already accepted me. I know I won't get into all 9...but I really honestly think that I will get at least one acceptance in the next 2 weeks. Now watch me get proven wrong.

I hope that I will get in to one school.... But I am really afraid that I am on the waiting list at most of my schools now.

Ack!

I thought I would get in to at least 3! Now I'm hoping for at least 1.

But at least I have job interviews coming up....

[Jakrabite]

I hate that condescending "It'll be all right"/water under the bridge bullshit. I'm seriously screwed if I don't get accepted anywhere and probably will effectively end up wasting a period of my life recovering from this situation. I guess it was a gamble to begin with, but perhaps I hadn't sized up the odds the right way. I have enough misery in my life to begin with and this admission situation is not helping. On a daily basis I'm trying the whole 'be here now' routine. I don't know if it'll help me stay cool till april though. Where's some heroin when you need it.

[OnceAndFutureGrad]

LOL. While I don't suggest heroin as a coping mechanism, I'm glad to see I'm in the same boat as other hopeful applicants. I want to believe - and it's sooo easy for co-workers, friends, family, etc. to believe too - but wishes and good luck can't guarantee anything. Particularly when everyone from your favorite professor to your favorite aunt paints you up as an ideal candidate and then are "oh just so surprised!" when the rejections come in. Argh!*

*I seem to end most of my posts with "Argh!" so I will instead end this post with this sentence.

[Yellow#5]

I live by the motto, it is what it is.

The rest hurts my brain.

(Though I have been guilty on occasion of trying to cheer other people up).

[ridgey]

I'm so sick of everyone - parents, family, friends, the boyfriend - telling me that if I believe hard enough and I stay positive then I can achieve anything. Sure, I can finish writing this paper, or run this mile, but I can't make an app com approve me by the power of good thoughts! My loved ones get mad at me when I look at job opportunities or consider teaching certification programs, as if thinking that I won't get into graduate school will get me magically disqualified. And then when the rejection letters come they give me an "it's not the end of the world" and "this school wasn't good enough for you" attitude, like I really think that a. it's the end of the world b. the school rejected me for being too good. People who are not personally involved with this agonizing, drawn out, and almost entirely arbitrary process need to step back and let us be RUPA.

Yuck. I used to be involved with a brand of Christianity that incorporated this perspective. If you were a good enough Christian, faith, and the words you spoke, would get you whatever you wanted. If you didn't, clearly your faith was lacking, or occasionally God was teaching you something.

Now, I find myself a lot like UnlikelyGrad: trying to expect the worst, but my brain insists on daydreaming about the acceptance(s) that are surely just around the corner.

I have been able to get to the point where I accept that whether I go to grad school is in someone else's hands, but my future and happiness etc is still something I get to control.

[MDLee]

LOL!!! AMEN SISTER. PA-REACH IT!

My mom wanted to write a nasty letter to Yale when they rejected me. I thought that was funny too. I too am tired of being told that wanting something badly enough can make all :roll: the difference. It can't. I can want desperately to be married to a Brazilian soccer star (hmm...there's a thought) but my odds are pretty much shot. Ditto for grad school. I wanted desperately to go to Yale. It wasn't to be.

And while I am usually Miss Mary Sunshine, I'm also a realist. Yes, I could potentially get into grad school.

Right now, however, I'm planning life as if I've received 10 solid rejections.

[miratrix]

My family doesn't give me that kind of talk, thank goodness, because some of them are going through the same thing trying to find jobs in a small town. When I say "the same thing," I mean it's actually EASIER to get into grad school. I've applied to programs with acceptance rates as low as 6% and as high as 40%. Meanwhile, my relatives go to a job fair for a plant that's opening, and 1000 people show up for 30 jobs. They go to a job fair for an office that's hiring 10 people, and there are 700 applicants. It's awful. And in a way, they're more screwed than a lot of us, because they can't even support themselves and have to rely on relatives.

I think RUPA is going to be the philosophy of our generation, educated and blue-collar alike.

[RF237]

It is harder to deal with rejection when the people around just don't believe you could be rejected. This happened to me last year (I'm on my second round of applications). Most people just don't seem to realize what a crapshoot this whole process is--that no matter how great your application is, some little factor completely out of your control can decide whether you get into a program. Maybe they accepted someone with similar interests last year. Maybe your intended adviser is going on sabbatical in a year. Maybe your intended adviser irritated everyone else in the department. Maybe the economy tanked and a program you might have gotten into last year is accepting only half as many students. It could be anything.

Next time someone expresses their disbelief or is overly encouraging, tell them this completely unsubstantiated, but probably true, statement a friend applying for grad school told me that might help them understand: Statistically (i.e., number of applicants versus numbers of acceptances/slots in the incoming class), it is harder to get into a Harvard humanities PhD progam than to get into Harvard Law!

[fsmn36]

I'm so sick of everyone - parents, family, friends, the boyfriend - telling me that if I believe hard enough and I stay positive then I can achieve anything. Sure, I can finish writing this paper, or run this mile, but I can't make an app com approve me by the power of good thoughts! My loved ones get mad at me when I look at job opportunities or consider teaching certification programs, as if thinking that I won't get into graduate school will get me magically disqualified. And then when the rejection letters come they give me an "it's not the end of the world" and "this school wasn't good enough for you" attitude, like I really think that a. it's the end of the world b. the school rejected me for being too good. People who are not personally involved with this agonizing, drawn out, and almost entirely arbitrary process need to step back and let us be RUPA.

Amen. I'm a bit of a realist (pessimistic according to my family, a true Minnesotan according to Garrison Keilor) who thinks things can always get worse. The people closest to me are going through some rough spots and some of them cry their eyes out, while others adopt a fake optimism. To be honest, I'm not good at dealing with either. I tend to be rather stoic. But there is nothing so annoying as someone who literally yells at me to "have faith" or "why don't you believe in yourself". I know I am not the smartest person out there, nor the best educated (state school up against Harvard undergrads?) That doesn't mean I don't think I deserve to go to grad school or that I won't try. That's what they seem to think. It's being realistic about the process, the economy, and myself.

I believe in karma in a sense, sure, but as someone said above, my good thoughts aren't going to convince a grad admin 10 states away to accept me over the person who fits perfectly within their department. Do your best beforehand, and keep trying, but once it's out of your hands, well...it's out of your hands.

And in the end, if you assume the worse, you can't be disappointed, right? RUPA!!

[psychdork]

Next time someone expresses their disbelief or is overly encouraging, tell them this completely unsubstantiated, but probably true, statement a friend applying for grad school told me that might help them understand: Statistically (i.e., number of applicants versus numbers of acceptances/slots in the incoming class), it is harder to get into a Harvard humanities PhD progam than to get into Harvard Law!

It's funny you mentioned that because I have been telling my "fans" (for lack of a better word) that it is actually easier to get accepted to med school than to get accepted to psych programs, yet they still don't believe me. Maybe one of these days (with enough rejections) they will finally understand.

[riss287]

My attitude is one of preparing myself for the absolute worst and imagining my horrible life post-rejection, but at the same time imagining my life if I happen to get in to at least one place. I'm trying to walk a tightrope between pessimism and optimism. Being that it's March and still no word, I think I'm falling into the abyss that is pessimism.

[kinokochan]

Hurray for RUPA. I already told my friends and family I had been rejected due to the following things:

GPA, only 3.26 officially.

Essays, re-reading it made me cringe and want to throw up.

Completed application was turned in day before it was due, which isn't my fault (my recommenders forgot about me until the last minute, d'oh), but still.

Stupid economy which cut acceptance by probably half with a "record number of applications making it more competitive".

I know friends and family only mean well, but whenever they said, oh don't worry, you'll get it for sure! it made me want to scream and tear out my hair! I had to tell them I was rejected because they kept asking me every single day. Now they're off my back and leaving me alone, which is great.

[psychdork]

My attitude is one of preparing myself for the absolute worst and imagining my horrible life post-rejection, but at the same time imagining my life if I happen to get in to at least one place. I'm trying to walk a tightrope between pessimism and optimism. Being that it's March and still no word, I think I'm falling into the abyss that is pessimism.

I've been trying to walk the same tightrope. Some days I'm optimistic but more and more I'm becoming pessimistic, especially since it is already March. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment, but I don't want to completely give up either.

[koolkat1825]

I complete embrace this philosophy. It's not as if I want people to tell me I'll be rejected, but the worst thing EVER is when someone tells me, "Oh, you'll get in. Don't even say that [when I talk about possibly being rejected everywhere]."

I just need to be realistic so I'm not totally destroyed when or if I get rejected everywhere.

[psychdork]

I just need to be realistic so I'm not totally destroyed when or if I get rejected everywhere.

Exactly! I was already crushed with my first rejection (the second one wasn't much better), how am I going to feel if they all reject me? While I do have some strong points, I'm also looking at my weaker parts as well as the economy and all that, and being rejected everywhere is definitely a possibility right now for me.

Besides, sometimes I just want to vent about my rejection worries, and come up with an appropriate plan B, and no one (except my fav prof) will let me. Let me consider my worst-case scenario a bit, so if it does happen, I will know what to do.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I really honestly think that I will get at least one acceptance in the next 2 weeks. Now watch me get proven wrong.

Err...maybe just writing that was enough to nudge my destiny in the opposite direction. I got an acceptance email less than 10 hours after my last post.

[psychdork]

Err...maybe just writing that was enough to nudge my destiny in the opposite direction. I got an acceptance email less than 10 hours after my last post.

Congratulations!

[rae]

I tried to remain optimistic during the process... mostly because whenever I talked to my mom about the possibility of not getting in she would reply with, "If you don't, I expect a check for the amount of the GRE scores, transcripts and application fees that I paid for you... and don't expect me to pay for you to do this again."

[Emilee]

I tried to remain optimistic during the process... mostly because whenever I talked to my mom about the possibility of not getting in she would reply with, "If you don't, I expect a check for the amount of the GRE scores, transcripts and application fees that I paid for you... and don't expect me to pay for you to do this again."

That is cruel.

I expect to hear a round of "I told you so" from my family. My parents have wanted me to become a medical doctor since before I was born and they was very disappointed when I chose psychology as a major and wanted to become what they term as a pseudo-doctor. Now I am going to hear "I told you should have been pre-med and applied to med school," when I don't get in. After all, my young sister (who I like think is not as smart as me) is now happily finishing med school. I would have graduate this year. I do not know how I would have done on the MCAT though.

[otakupaul]

Well even if our optimism won't change whether we get accepted or not we need to keep optimistic. I'm probably double-posting but if I hadn't received some crushing rejections in previous years I would not have met my fiance and would probably be doing my phd part time while still having to hold down a regular job, and most likely living with my parents well past 30. My whole life is different now because of some rejections and it just goes to show how its not the end if im not successful this year. In the eternal words of Forrest Gump... Life is like a box of chocolates... yada yada yada.

Don't give up because sometimes what we need is more important than what we want and if we aren't successful this year, theres always next year. More importantly I know that unless I get banned from applying to grad school I will keep applying until I get in somewhere.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Well even if our optimism won't change whether we get accepted or not we need to keep optimistic. I'm probably double-posting but if I hadn't received some crushing rejections in previous years I would not have met my fiance and would probably be doing my phd part time while still having to hold down a regular job, and most likely living with my parents well past 30. My whole life is different now because of some rejections and it just goes to show how its not the end if im not successful this year. In the eternal words of Forrest Gump... Life is like a box of chocolates... yada yada yada.

Don't give up because sometimes what we need is more important than what we want and if we aren't successful this year, theres always next year. More importantly I know that unless I get banned from applying to grad school I will keep applying until I get in somewhere.

Yes, I firmly believe this too. I've had some experiences in life that people would call very, very bad--the kind of things about which people say, "I hope that never happens to me." But I would willingly go through these terrible crises again because every single one of them triggered a huge positive change in my life.

One nice thing about being an older applicant is that I've acquired a sense of perspective. No matter what happens, it will not be the end of the world. Cry a little--yes, acknowledging your feelings is important--and then go out and throw yourself headlong into another good cause.*

*Could be a "real job" or not. My volunteer work ended up being life changing--I learned skills I probably wouldn't have learned elsewhere and discovered important facets of my personality. Eventually, it was the trigger for going to grad school.