Terrifying personal situation: rumors in the department

[Safferz]

2. If I were you, I would try to be in control of the gossip in academia by publishing a paper on the social/cultural bias involved in discourse surrounding rape. I am in cultural studies, so this would be my angle. As somebody in psy I am sure you can come up with an angle specific to the field.

That's a sure way to draw more attention to yourself (and possibly hate mail and/or pickets, all the while becoming a hero for "men's rights" groups everywhere). Agreed that you need to stop talking about it and move on like it never happened.

[Arcadian]

If I knew this information, even if I thought you probably weren't guilty, I would still be wary and tell my female friends to as well, because the consequences of being wrong about your innocence could be so great. This isn't fair to falsely accused men, of course, but self-preservation trumps fairness.

I see where you're coming from, but I don't think that's the right approach... Consider it from a practical point of view. Imagine that one of your current male friends/colleagues were accused of rape and charges were dropped. If everything you knew about this man indicates that he is a good person, then it would be wrong to treat him as a potential threat simply because someone accused him of rape. How far are you willing to carry out that principle? By that logic, you should be suspicious of everyone you ever meet in life because there's a chance he/she could be a criminal. But that raises another question...are criminals "bad people"? Should they be treated like they are less than human? No. Every behavior has a natural cause, therefore criminal behavior is natural behavior explainable by the circumstances of that person's life. So even if you do choose to live an overly cautious life and assume that everyone might try to hurt you, you should at least have the empathy and compassion to understand that they are still people with fears and worries of their own...such as a society that will unrelentingly label them for fear of some false accusations.

I can also see the "self-fulfilling prophecy" creeping into this. If you assume that someone is a bad person, it will implicitly influence your behaviors toward that person (in a bad way). The person will pick up on these implicit cues and respond in a negative way, which you will interpret as confirming your suspicions. So basically, you will perceive what you want to perceive about a person...even if there is no truth to it.

please watch your language and your tone. You can get a point across without being rude and without cursing [the cursing has been edited out of the posts, by the way].

Come on...that's silly. We're all adults here. And even if we weren't, the whole idea of "cursing" is archaic nonsense. As I'm sure you know, the concept of cursing originated in the Dark Ages when people believed that saying certain words would literally cast a magical curse with real consequences. But we know that isn't true anymore, and "cursing" is just a social construct. So fuck it, let's be objective about the situation and use whatever words we think best convey our thoughts.

Edited December 9, 2012 by Arcadian

[TakeruK]

Consider it from a practical point of view. Imagine that one of your current male friends/colleagues were accused of rape and charges were dropped. If everything you knew about this man indicates that he is a good person, then it would be wrong to treat him as a potential threat simply because someone accused him of rape. How far are you willing to carry out that principle?

I think the OP's situation is a little bit different -- the issue is that the other students do not necessarily know him that well yet. However, even though you know someone to be a "good person", that doesn't mean they are capable of hiding secrets. For a rather extreme and high profile example, consider http://en.wikipedia....ussell_Williams : he was a well decorated Canadian officer, etc. The people that knew him well had no idea. So I'd say that you never could really know anyone.

By that logic, you should be suspicious of everyone you ever meet in life because there's a chance he/she could be a criminal. But that raises another question...are criminals "bad people"? Should they be treated like they are less than human? No. Every behavior has a natural cause, therefore criminal behavior is natural behavior explainable by the circumstances of that person's life. So even if you do choose to live an overly cautious life and assume that everyone might try to hurt you, you should at least have the empathy and compassion to understand that they are still people with fears and worries of their own...such as a society that will unrelentingly label them for fear of some false accusations.

I definitely agree that most people make decisions based on their view of what is "right". And I agree that it's not logical to automatically assume that everyone is out to get you. I also agree that even those convicted of crimes are people and while they should be punished for their crimes if convicted, we should remember that they are still humans, like us, too.

However, I think as academics, we should remember that it is not always reasonable to apply logic to the everyday world. In academia, it is important to be objective, look at all sides equally, and make all decisions based on logic. In "real life", I don't think that applies. In an ideal world where everyone acts logically and objectively, then this would work. But we don't live in an ideal world, and many people are not objective.

So, I think it's completely reasonable to do things that you know aren't logical (i.e. assume every person you meet on a dark street could potentially hurt you) when the stakes are high enough. I do this in my life too -- for example, when I drive, I assume that every other driver could potentially run a red light, not yield the right of way, or could do something dangerous at any minute. So, I drive defensively. Obviously, logic would say that the majority of drivers are not bad drivers (otherwise we would have even more accidents) but the risk of a car accident is too high -- I rather be defensive and safe than get hurt.

I can understand this caution when people are wary of others in a dating scenario. I think it's reasonable to take precautions when you first date someone you don't know very well -- i.e. public places, watch your drink, maybe go out as a group etc. So, when it's someone you don't know very well AND there are scary rumours that may or may not be true, the risks are so much higher.

So I agree with kateausten -- self-preservation trumps fairness. I think the OP and others in similar situations should follow the advice of this thread and try to distance themselves from the topic and not bring it up. However, I think people in this situation should accept the reality that they will probably be treated unfairly about this topic. It is unjust and I feel bad when I judge people like this, but I rather feel bad than put myself in danger.

Edited December 9, 2012 by TakeruK

[R Deckard]

Some people crack me up.

[kateausten]

I see where you're coming from, but I don't think that's the right approach... Consider it from a practical point of view. Imagine that one of your current male friends/colleagues were accused of rape and charges were dropped. If everything you knew about this man indicates that he is a good person, then it would be wrong to treat him as a potential threat simply because someone accused him of rape. How far are you willing to carry out that principle? By that logic, you should be suspicious of everyone you ever meet in life because there's a chance he/she could be a criminal. But that raises another question...are criminals "bad people"? Should they be treated like they are less than human? No. Every behavior has a natural cause, therefore criminal behavior is natural behavior explainable by the circumstances of that person's life. So even if you do choose to live an overly cautious life and assume that everyone might try to hurt you, you should at least have the empathy and compassion to understand that they are still people with fears and worries of their own...such as a society that will unrelentingly label them for fear of some false accusations.

I can also see the "self-fulfilling prophecy" creeping into this. If you assume that someone is a bad person, it will implicitly influence your behaviors toward that person (in a bad way). The person will pick up on these implicit cues and respond in a negative way, which you will interpret as confirming your suspicions. So basically, you will perceive what you want to perceive about a person...even if there is no truth to it.

From a practical point of view, most people do and should treat others like criminals to some extent. We keep a closer eye on our belongings in public than at home, we don't say our credit card or social security numbers out loud in front of others, we try to avoid altercations with strangers just in case they are violent. Every woman (with smart parents at least) is taught from the time she starts dating to watch her drink around men, don't get in a car with a man you don't know well, and don't go home with them. These are precautions I'd take with anyone but it would take me longer than usual to become comfortable not taking them around an accused rapist, even one that I knew previously. This is not exactly unfair or treating someone as "less than human" as I am certainly not obligated to leave my drink unattended, get in the car, go on a date, or go home with any man just because he is not a convicted rapist. It's definitely not treating someone like he is guilty, either. If I thought he was innocent I would try to hurt his feelings as little as possible without making myself feel unsafe and be discreet in who I told (only, say, a friend who was going on a date with him or getting flirty with him at a party). If I knew he was guilty, my sensitivity and discretion would be out the window.

I don't think taking action to protect yourself means that you have no sympathy or empathy for a person or consideration for their circumstances. I would have tremendous empathy for a person who, due to a psychotic illness, had homicidal urges. However, I would still try to avoid situations where they could kill me. I don't fault someone who has to steal to feed and shelter themselves for doing it, but I don't want to be the one they steal from, and it doesn't mean that I consider myself obligated to not take precautions against being pickpocketed or mugged. Circumstances and motivation are just not relevant to whether I'm allowed to protect myself. I'm guessing you don't neglect to take precautions against other crimes just because the person who might commit them might have a sympathetic reason for doing it.

And yeah, if it was someone I knew who was accused, I would probably start being cautious of him unless he was someone I was extremely close to and felt I knew extremely well (more than just a friend or acquaintance). Seeming to be a good person doesn't mean someone is incapable of crime, it can just as easily be the result of good social skills as being a good person (just like a person who wouldn't hurt anyone might come across as creepy because of bad social skills). It's just not something I'm going to bet my physical and emotional safety on.

[Riotbeard]

Hey OP,

Here is my advice. Act normal. Do not bring this up, but some people may know about it, so I wouldn't say you should act like it never happened or never talk about if it is addressed. You are the victim here. Acting like it never happened could make it seem like you have something to hide. Also in my experience, most grad students aren't going to gossip to faculty even if they would to each other. Not the most wonderful point, but still potentially reassuring. Additionally man, my heart goes out to you. Rape politics aside, there is a culture around certain crimes were false accusations seem to be hard to shake in terms stigmatization. People seem to throw out innocent until proven guilty around rape. Even the most liberal people seem to drop their ACLU convictions when comes to these types of situations. We live in the remnents of a patriarchal society, and it is stupid to argue otherwise, but it does not justify the treatment you seem to be receiving.

You can get through this, and unless things get a lot worse, I don't think you need to leave your program.

[Katzenmusik]

My advice is to distance yourself from the gossip by avoiding the unsympathetic people who heard the story, never talking about it with academic colleagues again unless they ask you about it directly, studying something completely unrelated, and excelling in your work.  

 

Go on making friends with others in your program.  Once they get to know you, they'll hopefully be more likely to defend you than tear you down behind your back.  And obviously, avoid doing anything that could even remotely be construed as sketchy behavior.

 

Most importantly, just act like that conversation didn't happen and hold your head high.  Most likely no one else will actually care about the whole thing as much as you do.  

 

In time people will see that gossip isn't affecting you, and they'll forget about it and move on to something else.

[teethwax]

I can imagine how devastating that scenario would be.  That said, you do have responsibilities in this situation.  Some of them may seem unfair, but they're very important.

 

I want to note that I'm coming at this as a male rape survivor.  I was raped at 15 by a man who was a religious leader in our community and who I know has assaulted other kids.  I was called a liar when I tried to get help, and he has never faced any consequences for his crimes.  

 

1. The "too good to be a rapist" fallacy is just that.

 

Rapists often rape people they are supposed to protect, people who like or love them, and/or people who feel safe around them.  They often get close to people, or acquire authority, because they seem like good people.

 

Many survivors (me included) would never have predicted that their rapist would rape them.  This is a big reason that many of us are not believed.  The reality of it is that survivors have had it proven, in the worst possible way, that you can't tell who the good people are.  

 

2. Most rapists do not get caught: 97% of rapists never spend a day in jail.

 

Most rape survivors you meet did not get justice.  They know that a person who has not been convicted is not necessarily innocent.  They can't rely on that information to keep themselves safe.  They can't trust your word on the matter, because most rapists will insist that they're not rapists.

 

3. Nobody is obligated to feel safe around you.

 

It might be very painful and upsetting; it might affect your career.  But the reality of it is that rape survivors are trying to keep themselves safe, and the pain you experience is not more valid or more important than the pain they have experienced.

 

Hell, I don't even know you, and there is a part of me that doesn't believe you when you say you're innocent.  That's not your fault, but it's not mine either.  It's my rapist's fault, and it's every rapists' fault, because they're disgusting victimizing liars, and that has lasting effects on the people they victimize.

 

4. Okay, so what are you supposed to do about this?

 

- First of all, the people telling you not to talk about it and not to touch the subject of rape are absolutely right.  If it's important to you to help rape survivors, consider making donations to RAINN or something like that.

 

- If you do need to talk about it for whatever reason, don't bash or blame your accuser.  Most rape survivors are called stupid, attention-seeking, slutty, or crazy when they talk about what has legitimately happened to them, especially by the rapists, who want to reduce accusers' credibility to avoid punishment.

 

- If someone tells you they have been raped, believe them.  The vast majority of accusations are true, and people who are not listened to suffer additional psychological trauma.  

 

- It's okay, even good, to acknowledge that someone has no way of knowing whether you're telling the truth.  This would make me feel a lot safer if I were in conversation with you.  If you acted like it was ridiculous that I was wary (because there is no proof of your innocence), I would wonder why you didn't care about survivors' experiences.

 

- Do not get yourself in situations where you make someone (especially women) feel unsafe.  Do not have sex with drunk people (don't do this anyway).  Do not walk an intoxicated person home alone -- get a female friend of hers to come with you.  Don't loom over someone or make it difficult for them to leave an area.  Maybe you don't do any of those things -- if not, great -- but don't make it easy for people to look at you and see red flags.

 

- Do not allow other people to use your experience to say that "lots of" or "half" or whatever number of accusations are false.  First of all, it's not true, and second, men have an obligation to help stop rape culture and rape apologism.  

 

Well, sorry I ended up writing a novel here.  I hope it's useful and that it made sense.

[practical cat]

You, teethwax, are wonderful. Thank you.

[teethwax]

You, teethwax, are wonderful. Thank you.

Thanks for saying so.  It's been kind of a triggery week and I was concerned I wouldn't make any sense.

[Ennue]

teethwax, you definitely made sense. You explained things perfectly yes still stayed respectful of talkinghead. Perfect.

[jms]

Teethwax, what a strong post, good for you.

[dazedandbemused]

I can imagine how devastating that scenario would be.  That said, you do have responsibilities in this situation.  Some of them may seem unfair, but they're very important.

 

I want to note that I'm coming at this as a male rape survivor.  I was raped at 15 by a man who was a religious leader in our community and who I know has assaulted other kids.  I was called a liar when I tried to get help, and he has never faced any consequences for his crimes.  

 

1. The "too good to be a rapist" fallacy is just that.

 

Rapists often rape people they are supposed to protect, people who like or love them, and/or people who feel safe around them.  They often get close to people, or acquire authority, because they seem like good people.

 

Many survivors (me included) would never have predicted that their rapist would rape them.  This is a big reason that many of us are not believed.  The reality of it is that survivors have had it proven, in the worst possible way, that you can't tell who the good people are.  

 

2. Most rapists do not get caught: 97% of rapists never spend a day in jail.

 

Most rape survivors you meet did not get justice.  They know that a person who has not been convicted is not necessarily innocent.  They can't rely on that information to keep themselves safe.  They can't trust your word on the matter, because most rapists will insist that they're not rapists.

 

3. Nobody is obligated to feel safe around you.

 

It might be very painful and upsetting; it might affect your career.  But the reality of it is that rape survivors are trying to keep themselves safe, and the pain you experience is not more valid or more important than the pain they have experienced.

 

Hell, I don't even know you, and there is a part of me that doesn't believe you when you say you're innocent.  That's not your fault, but it's not mine either.  It's my rapist's fault, and it's every rapists' fault, because they're disgusting victimizing liars, and that has lasting effects on the people they victimize.

 

4. Okay, so what are you supposed to do about this?

 

- First of all, the people telling you not to talk about it and not to touch the subject of rape are absolutely right.  If it's important to you to help rape survivors, consider making donations to RAINN or something like that.

 

- If you do need to talk about it for whatever reason, don't bash or blame your accuser.  Most rape survivors are called stupid, attention-seeking, slutty, or crazy when they talk about what has legitimately happened to them, especially by the rapists, who want to reduce accusers' credibility to avoid punishment.

 

- If someone tells you they have been raped, believe them.  The vast majority of accusations are true, and people who are not listened to suffer additional psychological trauma.  

 

- It's okay, even good, to acknowledge that someone has no way of knowing whether you're telling the truth.  This would make me feel a lot safer if I were in conversation with you.  If you acted like it was ridiculous that I was wary (because there is no proof of your innocence), I would wonder why you didn't care about survivors' experiences.

 

- Do not get yourself in situations where you make someone (especially women) feel unsafe.  Do not have sex with drunk people (don't do this anyway).  Do not walk an intoxicated person home alone -- get a female friend of hers to come with you.  Don't loom over someone or make it difficult for them to leave an area.  Maybe you don't do any of those things -- if not, great -- but don't make it easy for people to look at you and see red flags.

 

- Do not allow other people to use your experience to say that "lots of" or "half" or whatever number of accusations are false.  First of all, it's not true, and second, men have an obligation to help stop rape culture and rape apologism.  

 

Well, sorry I ended up writing a novel here.  I hope it's useful and that it made sense.

 

Do you blog? Because I would read your blog. This post is amazing.

[teethwax]

teethwax, you definitely made sense. You explained things perfectly yes still stayed respectful of talkinghead. Perfect.

Teethwax, what a strong post, good for you.

Do you blog? Because I would read your blog. This post is amazing.

 

Man, thank you guys so much.  It's hard to express how much it means to hear that I'm finally able to address this topic in a productive and useful way.  It's been a long time coming.

 

I do blog, but under my real name, so I'd prefer not to give a link out right now.  I'm also applying to Brown, though, so maybe we'll see each other around campus (knock wood!).  My new play is actually about the process of becoming a survivor, and has been a way to say a lot of things I was never able to say before.  I have high hopes for it in the next few years, so if exciting things happen, I'll let you guys know where you can see it.

 

I don't want to take too much away from the OP with my stuff, so I did also want to add something that occurred to me after I made my initial post.  It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of anger and hurt around that accusation and the fear of possible repercussions, and I think you should speak to a counselor.  He or she will be able to give you some help on coping, but also allow you to speak freely on the subject without being judged or talked about.   You deserve the opportunity to tell the truth to a sympathetic listener.

[phonology_rocks]

I am sorry for what you are dealing with.  I can't understand the pain and frusteration you are going through because I have never experienced it.  I don't think its possible to understand what you've gone through... I had a pyschology prof say something along the lines of  'every experience a person has shapes there values, beliefs thus the reaction to a given situation is not the same for any two people', and he was right...

 

I really can't relate to you directly but I can indirectly.  At the end of my undergrad I (a kid with ADHD) got kicked out of my student teaching program.  I had nothing but good prior evaluations and was treated very questionably (as latter proved legally of course after the application season)....but what got me removed was I was accused of something I didn't do, something bad, and unprofessional (although minor in comparision to rape), this hurt me on my grad school applications even though it couldn't be proven...I still couldn't get reference letters, lost trust in professors, was embaressed in front of my classmates,  it goes on and on. I got into a good school (way far away) and went even thought it wasn't originally high on my list ....because the expeirence  and what others thought (indirectly) already held me back a year .....

 

I have no doubt that the rumors hurt you, and that sucks.  I honestly think that as hard as it is, the best thing you can do is hold your head up high and move on as best you can . As someone told  me, l....you can't change the cards you were delt, or the hand you've played in the past, but you can control your future play.  You got into grad school because you deserved it, so do whatever it takes to prove you are a good person, and thoes who are worth it, will soon see who you really are.  However, I agree with the above poster you should talk to a councillor, its not a bad thing, and even in my case (no where near as significant as yours), a councillor helped a lot.

Edited January 8, 2013 by phonology_rocks

[phonology_rocks]

teethwax thats an amazing story wow what a great post good for you for pointing out facts like that and being incredibly strong...

[uromastyx]

The cat is out of the bag, my friend. All you can do is perform at your best and always remain professional.

Best of luck.

[talkinghead]

Thanks all for the advice and support. It helps a lot to hear your opinions and to get an idea of what you think is the best way to handle this. So, as an update: I am still struggling, but not considering dropping out any more. I would feel defeated and like a quitter if I just gave up. The social reality in the department is that many more people now know. I can tell who knows; interpersonally it is not too hard to pick up on. So yes, the rumors got around, as you all predicted. And of course, this is a painful realization. It still hangs over my head everyday when I walk into the building, and I even have occasional nightmares about it. That said, there is plenty that has improved, namely my personal acceptance piece of this and the extremity of my reactions. I am no longer fighting for the ideal that my colleagues would all be able to keep my secret, but neither am I thinking that this will kill my chance at success or be the absolute end of my career. The most I can do is to remind myself that I am innocent. The wariness of colleagues is annoying and sometimes hurtful, but deep down I do not "feel" like a sexual offender, and with that, I can (for the most part) rest easily at night.

 

 

... my reaction, at least upon reading your initial post, is that you were accused of something but it didn't go any further because various authority figures decided that the accuser's story was weak and thus had little chance of being successful in court. None of which, by the way, indicates a false accusation.

 

Not that this really matters, RISINGSTAR, but you are interpretting this in a way that gives the girl more benefit of the doubt than she deserves. If you had seen her "evidence" you would have realized her claim had no basis in reality. It wasn't even close. Essentially her story was like "I went to a bar, and then I don't remember what happened." I was with her, she was not stumbling, blacked out, or showing any other signs of being too drunk to offer consent. Even her friends didn't believe her. She led me into her bedroom, holding my hand, while her friends were in the house with us. She never said "no" or "stop" and she never gave any non-verbal sign that she didn't want to have sex. I spent the night. The next day I woke up thinking nothing out of the ordinary happened. She had a boyfriend at the time. My theory is that she woke up, realized she did a shitty thing, and flipped the story around to make herself seem like a victim (and maybe she sincerely believed it, as a way to keep her ego from shattering). I really don't know her motive, but I know I was innocnent. So did the police. So did her friends. It was barely controversial. It wasn't even close to as bad as it now seems in the minds of my colleagues.

Edited February 9, 2013 by talkinghead

[talkinghead]

And teethwax, it is brave and commendable of you to confront your painful past and to tell your story. Thank you for sharing. The unfortunate reality is that sexual assault does exist, and is much more prevalent than anyone would hope to admit. Situations such as yours are the reason why women can never be comfortable enough to set down their drink at a bar, or why I refuse to let my girlfriend walk home from work at night. I understand that. At the neural level, we are wired to overperceive threat, simply because it is not worth it to risk being wrong. This is a fact that has helped me to learn to accept and to cope with this whole situation.

[Sijae]

This almost seems like a troll/fishing post because it's hard to believe anyone would disclose something like this to a big group of people they don't trust, and then worry about it like they are somehow a victim of unreasonable gossip. If you didn't want to deal with it, and you don't trust the people in your department to a) not gossip about it, and believe you, why did you say something?  I suggest your best move is to talk with a counselor so that you aren't tempted to talk to people who don't need to know.

 

Teethwax, I agree with you 100%