Friendless in first year

[MinervasOwl]

So, almost a year in and  I am so alone- the only single person in my cohort and with time constraints only a fellow grad can relate to I don't know how to make friends

To make things worse, I'm in my 30s so everyone I do meet is about a decade younger than me.

This is a small town AND I'm an ethnic minority.

Any advice about how I should go about finding some friends? (And maybe some romance too)?

[selecttext]

Ok this doesn't apply only to grad school but life in general. To make friends, you have to be available  -  not just by having spare time but actively engaging people and activities. The easiest thing you can do is to ask the people around you if they would like to go for a drink. Try saying something like "this has been a long day, I need a drink - wanna come?". I think that people may be more likely to go for booze but you can try coffee or lunch too. If they say no, don't be on them to schedule an appointment - just be like ok cool, see ya later. Do not be pushy and actually go get that drink, even if it is alone! Requiring more effort but perhaps more satisfying is to join a group of some sort. Since you are having little luck with your peers, you may be better off doing something non-school related like a class at the gym, or joining some kind of hobbyist group or sports team or like a hiking group or whatever. Volunteering is also a good way of meeting new people. In all of those situations you could easily ask people if they want to get food or a drink after the activity. If they ask you out, say yes more than you say no! Be cool not creepy. Do not ask vague questions like "so what do you do on saturday nights" rather say "hey do you want to come over for dinner on saturday night". It just takes meeting one or two people. By the way (assuming you are a guy) do not expect that the first girl you befriend is going to be your lover <---- this is very important. Don't even let your mind go there because you could sabotage your chance at having a persistent friend group.

[MadScience]

Ok this doesn't apply only to grad school but life in general. To make friends, you have to be available  -  not just by having spare time but actively engaging people and activities. The easiest thing you can do is to ask the people around you if they would like to go for a drink. Try saying something like "this has been a long day, I need a drink - wanna come?". I think that people may be more likely to go for booze but you can try coffee or lunch too. If they say no, don't be on them to schedule an appointment - just be like ok cool, see ya later. Do not be pushy and actually go get that drink, even if it is alone! Requiring more effort but perhaps more satisfying is to join a group of some sort. Since you are having little luck with your peers, you may be better off doing something non-school related like a class at the gym, or joining some kind of hobbyist group or sports team or like a hiking group or whatever. Volunteering is also a good way of meeting new people. In all of those situations you could easily ask people if they want to get food or a drink after the activity. If they ask you out, say yes more than you say no! Be cool not creepy. Do not ask vague questions like "so what do you do on saturday nights" rather say "hey do you want to come over for dinner on saturday night". It just takes meeting one or two people. By the way (assuming you are a guy) do not expect that the first girl you befriend is going to be your lover <---- this is very important. Don't even let your mind go there because you could sabotage your chance at having a persistent friend group.

 

This, is excellent advice.

[ELM616]

So, almost a year in and  I am so alone- the only single person in my cohort and with time constraints only a fellow grad can relate to I don't know how to make friends

To make things worse, I'm in my 30s so everyone I do meet is about a decade younger than me.

This is a small town AND I'm an ethnic minority.

Any advice about how I should go about finding some friends? (And maybe some romance too)?

Join Meetup.com

 

They have hiking meetups, snowboarding meetups, and age group specific meetups! Specifically you should join a 30's something Meetup. Even though you're in a small town, If you are near a university you are not alone as this is common in grad school so there should be meetups available.

 

I moved to San Francisco by myself and Las Vegas by myself and I've had very positive experiences thru this website in both cities.

 

This is especially good for people who don't care to drink.

[RiseofthePhoenix]

Grad school can be a great place to make friends when you consider that most grad students share similar experiences, stress levels and whatnot. I made some great friends in my MA program that have lasted over 2 years and will hopefully last a lifetime.

Also, in terms of dating in grad school, there are many single graduate students who are looking for serious, long-term relationships. There are also graduate student councils that plan events throughout the semester and help bring grad students from different departments together. In most cases, you'll fid that people who attend these activities are new to the school, looking for friends, single an ready to mingle

Best of luck!

[Dal PhDer]

Join. Join. Join. Join. Join!!

 

-Try for oncampus groups : does your department have a student society you can join?

- Join recreational sports (especially co-ed), you'll meet friends and potential partners...plus it's fun!

- Join meetup (as the above person said!) : that's a great way to meet people!

 

You really need to put yourself out there to meet people. It can be scary at first, but what's the worst that could happen? They say no? Big deal! And the more you do it, the more it'll be easier...and also, if you meet one person, you then have the opportunity to meet people through them!

[MinervasOwl]

thanks, so much for this advice

ps I'm female btw.

I did ask a few people over for dinner but they refused, twice

selecttext post is really helpful because now I know not to feel bad about being turned down and to keep trying. Maybe with different people than the ones I invited this time around.

 

What's the protocol about getting in touch with grad students from other depts one meets at on campus events? I got a couple of phone numbers from a friendly group, should I invite them to a movie night, or out to dinner or something? Or should I wait to see if I bump into them at another event in the future?

Edited February 17, 2013 by MinervasOwl

[Dal PhDer]

I would suggest grabbing a coffee or a drink! Something where you guys can chat and get to know eachother!

[ELM616]

Yeah don't invite them to your house for dinner. That can be a little intimidating for some people. Always go to a neutral location first. This goes for friends too, not just love interests. You may be putting too much pressure on the whole thing and that might be coming across in your invites.

 

http://www.meetup.com/

Edited February 17, 2013 by ELM616

[CarlieE]

Just my 2 cents... It seems in my cohort that each of us have bouts of the same feeling you're getting even though in each case the situation is slightly different. 

 

I mean, some of us came with SOs or families, but still feel very isolated. I moved with my SO but I feel like I haven't been able to make a lot of friends beyond him and so sometimes it feels like we're suffocating each other. Bearing in mind too that he moved with me and is now separated from HIS former social circle. It's hard even as a couple to break into social circles. 

 

One of my cohort mates arrived single, decided to use a free online meet up kind of website (ie. a dating website) and is now dating happily. (Note: not every date was a winner and it did take a lot of effort and time to weed out the uh... not so good ones) It takes a lot of effort on my cohortmate's part to make this new relationship work; grad school doesn't allow for a lot of "free" time. Sometimes you just have to make the cut and devote time towards relationship building. I know there's a lot of taboo around online dating, but hey, it at least gives you something fun and new to do on Friday nights!  

 

I know how hard it can be when cohort mates repeatedly turn you down; in many cases it's not that they want to but feel that they just don't have time. In one instance I invited a cohort mate and their SO over for dinner and they stood us up; I was super hurt but found out that they really did just get the dates mixed up. The first year with a move - with or without SOs - is really rough and it takes awhile for people to get their bearings socially, even to respond to invites. 

 

I tried meetup.com but the group I was meeting with kinda fell apart But now I'm finding that I am seeing familiar faces around campus and figuring out organizations and groups that are there but kind of "hidden" amongst all the official groups and email overloads. I'm facebook friends with some new people I've met and hopefully things will bloom into deeper, more social or meaningful friendships. 

 

Sometimes it feels incredibly lonely and isolated, as if school work is all there is... Take heart, you're not alone and if what older cohorts tell me is true, the feeling will pass with time. It takes a couple of years (from what I have experienced and what I've been told) to really rebuild a social network. 

[Dal PhDer]

Just my 2 cents... It seems in my cohort that each of us have bouts of the same feeling you're getting even though in each case the situation is slightly different. 

 

I mean, some of us came with SOs or families, but still feel very isolated. I moved with my SO but I feel like I haven't been able to make a lot of friends beyond him and so sometimes it feels like we're suffocating each other. Bearing in mind too that he moved with me and is now separated from HIS former social circle. It's hard even as a couple to break into social circles. 

 

One of my cohort mates arrived single, decided to use a free online meet up kind of website (ie. a dating website) and is now dating happily. (Note: not every date was a winner and it did take a lot of effort and time to weed out the uh... not so good ones) It takes a lot of effort on my cohortmate's part to make this new relationship work; grad school doesn't allow for a lot of "free" time. Sometimes you just have to make the cut and devote time towards relationship building. I know there's a lot of taboo around online dating, but hey, it at least gives you something fun and new to do on Friday nights!

 

I know how hard it can be when cohort mates repeatedly turn you down; in many cases it's not that they want to but feel that they just don't have time. In one instance I invited a cohort mate and their SO over for dinner and they stood us up; I was super hurt but found out that they really did just get the dates mixed up. The first year with a move - with or without SOs - is really rough and it takes awhile for people to get their bearings socially, even to respond to invites. 

 

I tried meetup.com but the group I was meeting with kinda fell apart But now I'm finding that I am seeing familiar faces around campus and figuring out organizations and groups that are there but kind of "hidden" amongst all the official groups and email overloads. I'm facebook friends with some new people I've met and hopefully things will bloom into deeper, more social or meaningful friendships. 

 

Sometimes it feels incredibly lonely and isolated, as if school work is all there is... Take heart, you're not alone and if what older cohorts tell me is true, the feeling will pass with time. It takes a couple of years (from what I have experienced and what I've been told) to really rebuild a social network. 

 

Awwww!!

 

Move here! I will come over to dinner every night! hehe

 

But it's true...it can be a very overwhelming and lonely experience!

[CarlieE]

Awwww!!

 

Move here! I will come over to dinner every night! hehe

 

But it's true...it can be a very overwhelming and lonely experience!

 

Awwww Dal that's sweet.. It's ok - it's just life and I mean, social stuff varies from week to week, month to month.. My cohort just went out for drinks for someone's birthday and I did an afternoon of pedicures and light dinner with a cohort mate recently.. Being social and having a social life really takes a lot of factors to come together Just Right and sometimes it just takes awhile to get stuff to gel. 

 

That being said I just had a facebook falling out with a good friend from "back home" so, meh... stuff just doesn't gel sometimes too. 

 

If I didn't have friends I wouldn't have to deal with the drama but then... it's also cool having friends. 

[juilletmercredi]

First - you don't have time constraints that only a grad can relate to.  There are a lot of 30somethings with really demanding jobs - younger academics, lawyers, doctors, consultants, people who travel a lot for work.  I think that was a big point of contention when I first came to graduate school, I thought only other graduate students could understand I was busy.  Lots of other people are busy and even if they aren't, they understand that grad school is demanding.  One of my closest friends works 9-5 in an administrative office here and we just hang out on the weekends when I have time.

I also agree with the volunteering (met people through that), taking a class at the gym, joining a community group (I met some people through a social sports league I played in - kickball!), etc.  Look at Meetup.com and see if there are any interesting meetups in your local area.  Having non-grad school friends is actually really fun.  And definitely take the initiative to invite people out yourself or be the one to set stuff up.  I've found that people really like the person who takes the initiative to do that Doodle or WhenIsGood or set up that time and place for people to meet up.

 

Also, there should be a group on campus for ethnic minority graduate students.  If there isn't, start one!  Partner up with the graduate student office and/or office of multicultural affairs.

[midwestnorthside]

I agree with many of the above comments! Meeting buddies when you move can be very tough, especially when you are in graduate school! I bridged the gap by inviting all of my classmates everywhere that sounded interesting (on-campus event, community event, soccer games, concerts, etc.). Most of the time people are too busy but usually at least one person wants to come! I invite them to invite their friends and try to be extra low-key (need to cancel? No problem! Maybe next time, see ya!). 

 

The more people you invite, the more likely you are to find some buddies to hang with. With time, some of them will become closer and will likely lead to long-term friendships.

 

Also, meetup.com rules!

 

Good luck!!!!