Problem with a prof.

[Ambigiousbuthopeful]

Wow, I really surprised by how judgemental and harsh everyone is being. I think it is understandable to to want to clear bad air before a departure. Why is everyone so quick to assume that she 'wants' something beyond that. It's offensive. 

[kaister]

Sounds like he's covering his ass now.  We don't know if his intentions with you were.  Sure he might've been flirting, but some people's flirting is just being friendly.  It's possible he almost crossed a line with, on the other hand it's also possible he just didn't realize that your relationship was getting too close.  It doesn't sound like anything other than flirting happened with you two.  He probably now just wants nothing to deal with that situation either because he now realizes it was wrong or feels being too friendly with you is giving you the wrong impression.  Either way I don't think you're going to have that friendly relationship you used to have before.  You may not think it's fair, but it's that prof's right to just back away from a messy situation, and that's what you should do as well.  Let it be.  Just accept the fact that you'll have nothing but a detached strictly professional relationship with this person.  If you don't have actual reason to talk to him (and just talking about problems, etc aren't good enough reasons in this situation) then don't bother him.  It's better for both of you in the long term.

[graduate33]

hi i was going to post, but what i wanted to say seemed to harsh, so I deleted it.

but here are some questions to ask yourself:

why do you think this man owes you something?

what do you want from him?

why do you think he is somehow obliged to do anything over and above fulfil his professional obligations towards you- which he has?

what reason do you have to make further contact? what do you expect to come of it?

good luck

You missed the point completely. If you're not able to read into a sensitive situation then it's best to refrain from posting anything about it.

[graduate33]

Wow, I really surprised by how judgemental and harsh everyone is being. I think it is understandable to to want to clear bad air before a departure. Why is everyone so quick to assume that she 'wants' something beyond that. It's offensive. 

Thanks for your understanding.

[graduate33]

Sounds like he's covering his ass now.  We don't know if his intentions with you were.  Sure he might've been flirting, but some people's flirting is just being friendly.  It's possible he almost crossed a line with, on the other hand it's also possible he just didn't realize that your relationship was getting too close.  It doesn't sound like anything other than flirting happened with you two.  He probably now just wants nothing to deal with that situation either because he now realizes it was wrong or feels being too friendly with you is giving you the wrong impression.  Either way I don't think you're going to have that friendly relationship you used to have before.  You may not think it's fair, but it's that prof's right to just back away from a messy situation, and that's what you should do as well.  Let it be.  Just accept the fact that you'll have nothing but a detached strictly professional relationship with this person.  If you don't have actual reason to talk to him (and just talking about problems, etc aren't good enough reasons in this situation) then don't bother him.  It's better for both of you in the long term.

I'm leaving in  few days now, so it doesn't matter so much anymore. I did my best, and yes it was one awkward situation but I learned some valuable lessons from it.

thanks for your post anyway.

Edited May 7, 2013 by graduate33

[IRToni]

For me, just the fact that you were thinking of asking him for a lunch date (and yes, I am phrasing it that way on purpose), is a bad sign. Let's assume everything went down the way you perceived it, then he acted professionally (and nice, but that's beside the point), but obviously did nothing to encourage further communication. Somehow you ended up further communicating, and he seemed not nice to you. Now, mind that it's not actually his obligation to be what you perceive to be nice to his students, and dropping a class you petitioned to get into is not, as explained and mentioned here before, the best of conduct. However, your first instinct is to ask him out for lunch? That's questionable, even in the best of circumstances (i.e. a student asking a professor out for lunch), and even more so given your history. Also, let's take a step back and try to think of the reverse. Imagine you're a professor (or a teacher, or possibly just a person). You and a guy had flirted, but nothing had come of it, because you decided to step back. You still have to deal with him professionally, and you do, but you've made it pretty clear that you do not want to have a personal relationship. Now, this guy asks you out for lunch. Pretty uncomfortable, right?

 

Now, my post doesn't actually talk about what the prof did (or, as children are so apt to put it, who started it), because to me it doesn't even matter, since you were the one asking for help. Even if the prof behaved badly, you're an adult, and just as responsible for your actions!

 

I wish you all the best for your future endeavors, and hope you'll chalk this up as a valuable life lesson!

[graduate33]

Before dropping the class and asking him for lunch quite a few months have passed.

 

It was not a lunch date at all but more of a goodbye-let's-part-on-good-terms-lunch before I leave next week. I was not expecting anything fancy to happen out this. We're both adults, we can discuss things without making the situation awkward. It's common practice here in this US university to have lunch/coffee with your prof, they normally ask you but in this particular situation I did the first step because I'm the one leaving very soon. 

 

 

It is indeed a learning lesson, it's now time to move on.