Collaboration and Competition

[wildviolet]

I had an awful feeling the other day...

 

So I didn't come into grad school thinking I'd become best buddies with everyone. After one year with my cohort, I'm on friendly terms with most everyone, I'm comfortable talking about more personal or controversial stuff with some, and I'm fairly close to one or two.

 

Now, the awful feeling came when I began feeling resentment toward someone that I considered a close friend (as in I'd invite her over for dinner, or we'd go out together) and research group colleague.

 

I'm beginning to feel like the relationship is one-sided... I tell her almost everything--personal, professional, whatever--and she tells me almost nothing. Her philosophy is, "ask." Well, how am I supposed to know to ask if she doesn't willingly tell me herself? Anyway, wouldn't it be annoying for someone to continually ask you what's up? For example, the other day I asked her if she'd like to go out for lunch, and she says "no, I have a paper due." Ummm... in the middle of summer when we aren't taking any courses? And, when I do ask her about stuff, she says her life is boring, and she doesn't share anything! (Well, that's not true, she eventually opened up... but just a crack.)

 

And then I feel as if she's trying to one-up me with our research project and my advisor by going way above and beyond the call of duty. Let me clarify--she's not the official RA. I am. She is already independently funded, so she just works on our project "for fun" (i.e., research experience without getting paid). However, during our last data collection period, she did double the number of interviews I did (but only because she doesn't have any kids, and I had kids to pick up from school and attend end-of-the-year events with).

 

Also, we went to a dissertation defense. Of course, she asked a question. I knew she would--because she's that type of go-getter (so this is so ironic given that we've talked about not liking go-getters in our cohort).

 

Okay, we're all over-achievers, otherwise we wouldn't be in grad school. Of course we have to "aim high" and set high expectations for ourselves. But there's got to be a limit, right? Do you really have to be on every single freakin' committee and go to every seminar and ask a question of every speaker?

 

Or is the boundary between collaboration and competition finer than I thought?

 

So now I feel like backing off from the friendship, which makes me feel awful because I do like her... mostly. Something else that has come up is that she's super self-conscious about the way she looks, even though she seems so confident in other ways. And that bothers me because I accept and like the way I look--even though I could probably lose 20 pounds. I've come to accept that this is the weight my body likes to be. I'm perfectly healthy, and I dress to show off my curves, not hide them under t-shirts and jeans like she does (which by the way does absolutely nothing for her figure, and she's bustier than I am.) She doesn't wear makeup, and while I don't judge those who don't, I think if you are self-conscious about the way you look you should try to make yourself look better to feel more confident, and natural-looking makeup definitely does it for me.

 

So... the other possibility is that this friendship is revealing my own insecurities. Of course, I want my advisor to like me and think well of my work--which he does. But maybe I'm jealous (although that's not quite the right word, I think) that he might like other people, too? IDK. This is all messed up because I thought I had made at least one very good friend in grad school, and now I'm questioning my ability to judge other people's characters and actions.

[zapster]

Wow - thats a lot of questions !!

 

It is ofcourse difficult to get a complete picture from a few paragraphs, so do ignore if I have misunderstood, but it seems to me that there are two separate issues here:

 

The first is on whether you should in fact have expectations from friends on what is the 'norm' - i.e. would you have felt the same way about your friend, lets say, if she was not involved in the same research project as you or perhaps was in a completely different field. Would her go-getter attitude still be an issue? We all have our characteristics, and I believe you befriend (or reject) someone as a complete package - trying to cherry pick attributes or get people to change does not work (for me at least). So putting aside (for a moment) your concerns about the shared research project, can you accept your friend as she is - insecurities, competitiveness and all (and this may well be a two way thing, for example - and I'm speculating wildly here and do not intend to be offensive - would she view you as insecure on the academic front because you do not assert youself as strongly as she does?) - or does this still bother you. If so, maybe you two are not compatible in the first place.

 

The second issue is relevant only if you believe that you are infact quite compatible. In which case, perhaps finding your own space and internal benchmarks on how you wish to be viewed academically/professionally may be the way to go. Perhaps you are reading too much into her behavior - not everything she does may be consciously directed towards going one-up on you? Personally, I think it would be unfair to expect someone to curb their own aggression/ambition to make me look better. I do hope you dont expect that. On the other hand, if someone is deliberately stepping on my toes - then it is altogether a different story. Which one is it ?

 

Best of Luck !

 

p.s. If you were looking for an idealogical debate about Collaboration vs Competitiveness istead, I have some thoughts on that too !!!!

[wildviolet]

Wow - thats a lot of questions !!

 

It is ofcourse difficult to get a complete picture from a few paragraphs, so do ignore if I have misunderstood, but it seems to me that there are two separate issues here:

 

The first is on whether you should in fact have expectations from friends on what is the 'norm' - i.e. would you have felt the same way about your friend, lets say, if she was not involved in the same research project as you or perhaps was in a completely different field. Would her go-getter attitude still be an issue? We all have our characteristics, and I believe you befriend (or reject) someone as a complete package - trying to cherry pick attributes or get people to change does not work (for me at least). So putting aside (for a moment) your concerns about the shared research project, can you accept your friend as she is - insecurities, competitiveness and all (and this may well be a two way thing, for example - and I'm speculating wildly here and do not intend to be offensive - would she view you as insecure on the academic front because you do not assert youself as strongly as she does?) - or does this still bother you. If so, maybe you two are not compatible in the first place.

 

The second issue is relevant only if you believe that you are infact quite compatible. In which case, perhaps finding your own space and internal benchmarks on how you wish to be viewed academically/professionally may be the way to go. Perhaps you are reading too much into her behavior - not everything she does may be consciously directed towards going one-up on you? Personally, I think it would be unfair to expect someone to curb their own aggression/ambition to make me look better. I do hope you dont expect that. On the other hand, if someone is deliberately stepping on my toes - then it is altogether a different story. Which one is it ?

 

Best of Luck !

 

p.s. If you were looking for an idealogical debate about Collaboration vs Competitiveness istead, I have some thoughts on that too !!!!

 

Hey zapster!

 

Yes, I think you're right that she probably views me as less academically assertive because I don't *show off* to everyone. It's my way, just as it might be her way to always say *something* to show others that she's actively engaged. For example, I don't feel the need to prove myself in class via participation or whatever unless I feel like I have something substantial to contribute. Sometimes it's almost like she participates to participate or to be noticed.

 

I also think you're right to say that it would be different were she not in my field or working with me on a research project run by my advisor. I'm sure I would have an easier time accepting her the way she is if she were not in my field.

 

I'm fairly sure that she's not consciously trying to one-up me. She always intends to "do her best," which means over-achieve. And, no, I don't expect her to curb her ambitions to make me look better. I think I look good enough on my own.

 

So I guess... I might be reading too much into it. But, I am bothered because I don't want to feel resentment towards her, yet I do. WTF? I'm all for collaboration, especially when people bring different strengths and perspectives to a project. But I can't deny that we will most likely be in competition for similar positions.

 

Anyway, would love to hear your thoughts on collaboration vs. competitiveness!

[TeaGirl]

Umm, I just read this and I still didn't get what was so bad about her behavior. What exactly is a go-getter? Someone who does their best?

Are we now supposed to shun people who do their best and expect them to do worse just so we feel better about ourselves?

 

From what you said, it seems like her crimes include being a bit of introvert in her relationships with people and not comfortable with unsolicited sharing about herself , invests most of her time in her work because she doesn't have much else going on, seems to enjoy it and works hard at it, has body image issues, and crime of all crimes, she actually asks questions in most seminars and presentations (gasp!) I mean, what is world coming to when you can't even expect your fellow grad students not to ask questions during a dissertation so you don't look bad.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph. I would review any claim of friendship that includes a supposed friend feeling better when I did worse. Maybe she can sense that and that's why she doesn't share things with you, so as not to alienate you. Maybe she's been through people alienating her because of her achievements before. There are a hundred different reasons that could explain her motivations that don't have to be about you. We all come with baggage.

 

My thoughts on collaboration and competition in any avenue in life: Collaborate. Compete. Do your best and may the best man/woman win. This is the concept of good sportsmanship and knowing that some people are going to be better at something and it has nothing to do with you. You shouldn't view them as villains because of it nor should you think less of yourself because of it. You're both doing your best and that's what counts. If you can't compete and remain friends with people you are more or less competing with (which is fine, a lot of people can't do both), then just avoid making friends with people you'll have to compete with for positions, grants, etc.

Edited June 11, 2013 by TeaGirl

[St Andrews Lynx]

I consider myself an introvert who likes to keep a lot of my life private. I don't volunteer a lot of personal information: if you ask me how my weekend went I won't be giving you a 30 minute soliloquy on what I was up to. When moving to a new area I factor in 6-9 months to make friends, simply because it takes me that long to start opening up to folk. I also do not necessarily view the people I study/work with as "friends", nor do I assume that I'm going to become friends with them. (Doesn't mean I don't like or don't get on well with them - just that I view our relationship as more of a 'business colleague' one).

 

As an introvert I also dress really scaffily and prefer comfortable, baggy, second-hand clothes to clingy stuff that shows off my breasts. You won't catch me wearing makeup either. It certainly isn't because I'm self-conscious or dislike my body, I simply value practicality higher than personal appearance. Putting on makeup every day is a damn faff, too.

 

So, I don't think it is a sin if there's a girl in your cohort who seems to be that way too. No one should get judged poorly for being an introvert, seeing the world slightly differently & not rushing to become your new best friend. 

 

With regards to over-achievement and competitiveness: in a job market over-saturated with PhDs, you do what you can to stand out. Working hard, asking lots of questions to make sure the professors notice you & know that you're thinking critically instead of hiding at the back, going to lots of seminars to broaden your horizons, sitting on committees to network with other academics...I think your colleague is going about grad school exactly the right way. 

 

I'd say step back from the friendship a bit if it's making you unhappy: that's kinda the opposite of what a friendship is supposed to do. Spend a bit more time with extrovert folk outside your immediate sub-field.

[wildviolet]

If you can't compete and remain friends with people you are more or less competing with (which is fine, a lot of people can't do both), then just avoid making friends with people you'll have to compete with for positions, grants, etc.

 

I thought I would be able to do both, but maybe not.

 

Your points are well taken. The more I think about it, the more it seems that it's my own insecurities popping up... and my gut reaction is to distance myself from her because I've never been able to be friends with people I also directly compete with.

Edited June 11, 2013 by wildviolet

[wildviolet]

I'd say step back from the friendship a bit if it's making you unhappy: that's kinda the opposite of what a friendship is supposed to do. Spend a bit more time with extrovert folk outside your immediate sub-field.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

I don't think she's an introvert--she's just very private, which is fine. I stopped asking her stuff (like her age, she won't share how old she is to anyone) a long time ago. From my perspective, why hide your age unless you're ashamed of it? I just don't understand (so I gave up trying to understand her).

 

As for dress... I just want her to feel better about herself. It's fine if you wear what's comfortable for you, and you accept your body the way it is. I'm probably just projecting my own experience of wearing only jeans and t-shirts during my sophomore year in college because I was feeling bad about myself. Once I bucked up, however, I began taking care of myself again by wearing clothes that fit (rather than hide) my body and doing my makeup and hair. She's not as feminine as I am, which is fine.

 

However, she seems to comment a lot on how dressed down she is and how dressed up and nice I always look (even to my advisor and other people, which sometimes feels weird to me)--over time, those comments have made me think that she's not proud of the way she looks. I think she might say she is, but her comments suggest otherwise. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe a compliment is just a compliment. But, my feeling, developed over time, is that there's something more going on with physical dress and looks and confidence. Maybe the academic achievements are, in part, a way to compensate for lack of confidence in other areas.

 

The thing is that she seeks out my company, too, and I think she would consider what we have a friendship. So, I hate that I feel this way.

Edited June 11, 2013 by wildviolet

[Soul]

Wow, a lot of interceding issues and complications in the OP.

 

Your friend is not doing anything blatantly against you from what I can tell. It seems to me that initially in your friendship, she was 'non-threatening'. Now, the relationship has evolved to where she is gaining some more self-confidence in her presence in the program, and you are envious of that. Her self-confidence could be coming attempts to compete with you, but more importantly, your perception is that the friendship playing field is no longer equal. This in part, is why you wish to know more about what is going on with her and her life. The perceived secretiveness about her life only fuels your suspicion that her actions within the department may have ulterior motives. Perhaps she does not feel comfortable discussing personal information to what are essentially co-workers. What she is doing is realizing what she needs to do to position herself favorably within and outside her department. It is obvious that a good work ethic, along with active participation in departmental affairs helps her in that regard. This is also something that you should do. Instead, you're letting your self-esteem and enviousness get in the way of your own progression.

 

As for your advisor, I can completely sympathize. Your advisor is undoubtedly the biggest influence in your graduate school career. The validation, or lack thereof, we receive from our advisors largely shapes our identity within, and in most cases, outside the program. One of the biggest things I've learned in graduate school is to seek multiple mentors; even those not in your department.  

 

In a final point, you must...MUST...resist 'leveling' with your cohort mates. As you probably can tell, it is mentally nauseating to seesaw back and forth about what another person has or doesn't have (e.g., I keep myself up more, I have an official RA position, I have kids so I can't possibly be a high overachiever like this person, etc). If you and your friend got together and both of you threw all of your problems in a pile for each other to see, you'd quickly grab yours back. That's just the nature of life. You can only do the best you can do, especially when you have other more pressing obligations (children).

 

I would also not be upset about keeping your distance from this relationship. Regardless whether your insecurities are to blame, you should not be in a relationship where you don't feel worthy. Good relationships feel good. This is not just limited to romantic relationships, but to all of your relationships.

[wildviolet]

Hi Soul--I agree with everything that you said, especially about "leveling" with colleagues.

 

So, all your comments have been fermenting in my head, and I've come to realize a few things:

 

1. I had a gut/emotional reaction to the situation, and I'm glad that people here chimed in with their thoughts, especially if it was to say, "I don't see anything wrong with your friend's behavior." A reality check is always good.

 

2. I don't want to get into a spiraling escalation of competition... like, "well, she did this much, so now I have to do more to show that I'm just as good or even better." Maybe it's about working smarter and not harder. Hard work by itself doesn't always get rewarded. Maybe I should start thinking more like a PI and less like a grad student.

 

3. I'm not against hard work. But, I think there's a fine line between working hard and doing your best and stepping on the toes of others, especially in grad school when we're all trying to figure out our "academic niche."

Edited June 16, 2013 by wildviolet

[i.am.me]

I would also recommend maintaining a distance. This is because I sort of had a friendship like this---my friend loved to ask questions and know about my business---me being me, I answered them all lol

 

Unfortunately, I am not an "asker" nor did she want to tell me stuff...so imagine that...was really awkward when people thought we were really close...but when they asked me what she was up to, I'd have no idea, but if they asked her what I was doing, she'd report that and then some...and sometimes belittled my achievements behind my back (never do this, cohort is small, people told me about it).

 

Needless to say, I've removed myself from that friendship.

 

Collaboration is positive and even invigorating when you find yourself in a slump. But you gotta be really careful not to build expectations from it...like of friendship or even loyalty, unfortunately. In time, friends will prove themselves that, or something else.

[MAME5150]

Keep your distance. 

 

Not to sound Machiavellian, but you'd be surprised at the amount of one-upng that happens even in the best of labs. It's only a matter of time before this person is sandbagging you to get ahead. 

[mandarin.orange]

Interesting that you mention there is a "culture" among your cohort not to go-get or speak out and ask questions. What do your professors have to say about this in the context of professionalization? What advice is being given to grads on a school-wide level re. career development, the job market, and opportunities? Also, I would point out that your dept's next incoming cohort could introduce a totally different vibe. For my part, I ask questions at colloquium and peer seminars out of interest first and foremost, but I also feel it's good practice for the bravery to ask questions at professional conferences, where it could lead to interesting follow-up conversations. 

 

Regarding labs and research groups: it's a unique work environment. Not sure if you're in an actual lab setting, but I find that with largely solitary and rote tasks, my mind will overthink and speculate on what's at hand. More often than not, it wanders to my labmates, because they come and go, their stuff is around (sometimes in the way), and the lab setting is a trigger to think about work and my last interaction with them. I have little distraction besides my samples, some music, and occasional visitors to keep me from obsessing about it. My mind might go there even if the person is not physically present - long absences I start to interpret as a "bad" work ethic and lack of productivity, when this could very well be unfounded. 

 

Perhaps some similar "overthinking" is going on, on your end? The fact you're interpreting her compliments as some sort of underlying insecurity on her part seems the best example of this.

 

When I catch myself overthinking, I try to remind myself...I can form an opinion about someone and their motivations, but keep it to myself and maintain an openness to being disproved at any time. If labmates complain to me about other labmates, I try to not feed it but say something positive about the person.

 

Labmates are a bit like siblings - eager to help at times, driving you crazy at other times, you are all competing on some level for your advisor's attention and favor, as well as fellowships and grants. You can't necessarily get away from them, since you're forced to keep sharing the same space and advisor, at least in some capacity. Out-competing and scooping does happen, though more rare when the stakes are really, really high. I feel it's best to err on the side of (cautious) collegiality, and most of my academic advisors have modeled that.

Edited June 24, 2013 by mandarin.orange

[wildviolet]

Labmates are a bit like siblings - eager to help at times, driving you crazy at other times, you are all competing on some level for your advisor's attention and favor, as well as fellowships and grants. You can't necessarily get away from them, since you're forced to keep sharing the same space and advisor, at least in some capacity. Out-competing and scooping does happen, though more rare when the stakes are really, really high. I feel it's best to err on the side of (cautious) collegiality, and most of my academic advisors have modeled that.

 

That analogy makes sense to me (I have a lot of siblings)... thanks!

 

Yeah, so two more things happened recently that makes me think you're right about being cautiously collegial. Grad school is a weird place! At the same time that collaboration and cooperation are encouraged, competition for attention and limited resources abound. My advisor notices and appreciates that I have developed good working relationships with my colleagues and other faculty--he definitely sees that as a positive and remarked on it in my annual review. However, I feel that it has a lot to do with who he is and what he values. Other faculty are not quite that way (i.e., do not seem to work well with colleagues) and yet are still successful academically (i.e., they do good work and gained tenure).

Edited June 24, 2013 by wildviolet

[prefers_pencils]

1. I had a gut/emotional reaction to the situation, and I'm glad that people here chimed in with their thoughts, especially if it was to say, "I don't see anything wrong with your friend's behavior." A reality check is always good.

 

This thread came up because I'm now experiencing unfortunately similar dynamics in my own program - an unpredictable mix of friendliness, then competition, from a particular person. It's come as a bit of a surprise because I have known this person for six months now and these displays began just a few weeks ago. We are close in research interests, but not as similar as I am with other students.

 

It's a weakness of mine that I genuinely want to befriend everyone, and I know it's not realistic. I feel too old to be this sensitive about it, but I've never handled conflict well, even if it feels more like a cold war. Still, PhD programs are so hard - why can't people band together under the stress instead of turning on one another? 

 

I hope your situation has improved since the summer.

[wildviolet]

This thread came up because I'm now experiencing unfortunately similar dynamics in my own program - an unpredictable mix of friendliness, then competition, from a particular person. It's come as a bit of a surprise because I have known this person for six months now and these displays began just a few weeks ago. We are close in research interests, but not as similar as I am with other students.

 

It's a weakness of mine that I genuinely want to befriend everyone, and I know it's not realistic. I feel too old to be this sensitive about it, but I've never handled conflict well, even if it feels more like a cold war. Still, PhD programs are so hard - why can't people band together under the stress instead of turning on one another? 

 

I hope your situation has improved since the summer.

 

Wow, this is so weird...

 

I've been off of GradCafe for weeks (maybe months), and the first day I feel like getting back on, I see this topic at the top of the forum! And, I was just thinking about this person in this exact same way AGAIN! Coincidence?

 

Anyway, to answer your question, no, the situation has not improved since the summer.

 

I mean, the beginning of the semester started off fine, even great! But I found myself terribly annoyed in the past two days by her behavior. The situation--we've had a very important researcher visit our campus, and she's overly enthusiastic... the way she smiles at this visitor, acts extremely deferential, talks to her in a higher-than-normal-pitched voice, and raises her hand at the first opportunity to ask a question. In short, acting in a way that is definitely not her usual self. Yes, we all have academic "crushes," but this behavior is just... annoying! (Sorry, can't think of another word that describes how I feel.)

 

Yes, we've discussed this issue of asking questions, and she's all for asking questions (there's some flow chart somewhere about whether to ask questions during seminar or not, and the conclusion is that there's only one choice--ask!). I disagree with her on this point and haven't changed my mind about asking questions.

 

Anyway... I concede that my feelings of annoyance are my problem, not hers. I do distance myself from her, but then I get drawn back... mostly because there are things I want to tell her and she is very supportive most of the time.

 

Also, she has left our research group, but we have one class together (with my advisor as the instructor, no less!) and will continue to have at least one class together next semester. On my advisor's birthday, which was a class day, she kept saying happy birthday to him, and she brought up the fact that it was his birthday to the whole class, and then after class, she said happy birthday to him again in the parking lot--I don't know, seemed kind of like socially awkward behavior to me. He laughed it off, but I felt awkward.

 

Anyway, in my other two classes this semester in which she is not present--I participate quite a bit and have gotten positive feedback and evaluations from my instructors.

 

I guess something positive is that I'm beginning to find my true research interests and my advisor definitely thinks well of me (even to the point of chastising another graduate student for trying to take over a manuscript when I was already named first author and she was second author) and compliments me in front of other faculty--which he would not do if he didn't mean it! He's seen a lot of graduate students in his time, and I trust his judgment. Because of this, I do less and less comparing of myself to other graduate students, and I just focus on developing myself as a scholar.

 

I guess this whole thing bothers me because I would like to be friends with her, but I cannot ignore my feelings. Sigh. Maybe I really can't be friends with her.

[juilletmercredi]

Wow, wildviolet, your dynamic with your friend/colleague sounds a lot like the dynamic I have with a friend/colleague of mine.  We entered my program the same year; we were in the same lab with the same advisor and she just defended whereas I have one more year.

 

Initially I struggled like you did, because I realized that despite our friendship we were essentially competing with each other, and she's more like your friend - competitive, never afraid to ask questions, acts differently when academic crushes come around, makes comparisons between the two of us that makes me uncomfortable, etc.  Over time I just got over it and we've become close friends.  All of my friends have habits that annoy me to a certain degree, because nobody's perfect; but for us, our friendship and the benefits thereof outweigh the annoyances.  Plus she knows everything and she's a great person to go to for feedback and information about academia, the job market, etc.  In turn, I've proofread her grants, her dissertation, etc.

 

I wouldn't say she's more of a go-getter than I am, but she's definitely got a very different personality and a different way of going  and getting.  She is definitely the kind of person who's on every committee and goes to every seminar and asks questions all the time.  I tend to be a bit more selective (or lazy) with my energies.  At first it annoyed me, too.  Then I realized that it annoyed me because I felt insecure.  I felt like people would always be comparing me to her and find me lacking, and I didn't want to be her - I wanted to be me.

 

Well, that ended up never happening.  I mean, I'm sure people compare us, but I know that my advisors and professors respect me and my work separately (a good representative comment from one of my first-year professors is that I don't talk or ask questions that often, but when I do, it's something good).  I also just decided that if this academia thing didn't work out with me just being the best version of me, then screw it, I was going to leave anyway.  I have become less shy about asking questions in seminars and walking up to people and introducing myself, et cetera.

 

We also have the same personal appearance thing - not in exactly the same way, but similar dynamic.  She teases me (good-naturedly) about dressing up for class, always having a new handbag (it's a vice) and spending lots of money on makeup (I spent A LOT of money on makeup) while also complaining about her own looks.  I've realized that some women just like to complain about their looks because it's a social/cultural thing amongst groups of women.  I've just gotten used to it, and I just stare and nod and/or make sympathetic noises until they stop.  (I don't participate though because I don't like to encourage micro-criticizing.) Sometimes if I feel like it I tell them that they're being ridiculous and point out something good about their personality.  I don't, however, give anyone unsolicited advice about their looks.

[prefers_pencils]

I guess this whole thing bothers me because I would like to be friends with her, but I cannot ignore my feelings. Sigh. Maybe I really can't be friends with her.

 

 

I know the feeling and I really empathize with you. Perhaps it's best to just draw back, focus on you, and be polite but distant, if you can. That way you'll waste less energy thinking about her and your dynamic, and redirect it toward your own positive self-growth. That's certainly what I'm going to try to do.

 

This week I've come to the conclusion that this person in my program is a textbook covert narcissist; they have all the symptoms to a T. Realizing that has actually left me terrified because I'm hoping to distance myself without making it obvious, lest they try to exact some kind of revenge. (Earlier in the friendship I confided some things in them that I wish I hadn't, and I'm hoping they never break the trust to share it out of anger or something.) I feel like an idiot for being so trusting given that I now see them as a black hole of truly negative energy. 

 

Regardless of how I personally view the person, I've also realized that the time I spent lamenting about all these feelings in the past week means that the relationship overall is toxic and I need to distance myself - hopefully without creating any open animosity between us. And I feel that by doing so it justifies the "lonely road" of the PhD: it's essential to isolate yourself just to get the d--- work done without wasting time on any unnecessary bull :-)

[St Andrews Lynx]

This TED talk made me think of this thread, albeit indirectly. Amy Cuddy talks about participation in the MBA and grad school classes she's taught, and the ways that body language, attitude & self-perception play a role in who volunteers to speak up. 

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

 

This is why I personally think it *is* important to ask questions in seminars & discussions...

[lewin]

I think you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph. I would review any claim of friendship that includes a supposed friend feeling better when I did worse. Maybe she can sense that and that's why she doesn't share things with you, so as not to alienate you. Maybe she's been through people alienating her because of her achievements before. There are a hundred different reasons that could explain her motivations that don't have to be about you. We all come with baggage.

 

This is literally supported by research. People tone down their own achievements and hold back with sharing good news to friends when they think those friends have low self-esteem and will be threatened by the achievements.