Please help review my SOP

[whan91]

It's my first time writing sop and English isn't my native language so I'm really worry that I'm doing it wrong or there might be too much grammatical mistakes and unnatural sentences.

Appreciate if you take your time and give some feedback for this. Thanks in advance.

 

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I am a Thai student who grew up watching Disney movies countless times. At first I didn’t understand why my dad has encouraged me to watch a lot of animated movies but as I got older I realized that animation is not only one of the most powerful way to tell stories but it is also a clever way to teach children or even adults morality and kindness. This fact is the reason why I always wanted to work in animation field.

 

I’ve spent most of my free time in school teach myself drawing, digital painting and Flash animation. After graduated high school I sent my portfolio to Korea National University of Arts. I was so lucky that they liked my portfolio enough to gave me full-ride scholarship and flow me to South Korea. I later learned that animation major at K-Arts is one of the best in the country. They’ve taught me all the foundation knowledge and skill sets for both traditional and computer animation. I’ve also learned a lot about the production process since I’ve made an animation film for my graduation thesis which I had to do everything by myself from pre-production to post-production.

 

The reason I’m applying for Visualization graduate program is because I want to pursue a career in animation. Even though I have the foundation knowledge and Artistic skill I don’t think they are enough, consider that most animated films nowadays are 3D animation and the technology’s rapidly developing. I need to learn more of animation’s technical side. The Viz program can help me refine both my technical and artistic abilities. I also want to discover which focus area in the field that is suitable for me so that I can prepare myself for a career in that area.

 

Animation is my life-long passion. It is what I’ve been doing, what I want to do for the less of my life and I’ll always work hard to improve myself for this dream. I strongly believe that with my determination and skill, the preparation that this program provides can definitely help me accomplish my goal.

 

 

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Why not just rearrange (and get rid of some colloquialisms) like so:

 

I want to pursue a career in animation, and the natural next step would be to attend the Visualization graduate program. Although I have the foundation knowledge and artistic skill, I know they are not enough, especially considering that most animated films today use 3D animation, and the technology is rapidly developing. I need to learn more of animation’s technical side. The Viz program will help me refine both my technical and artistic abilities. I also want to discover which focus area in the field that is suitable for me so that I can prepare myself for a career in that area - I know that I will be able to do this at (University name?).

 

Growing up as a Thai student, I didn’t always understand why my dad has encouraged me to watch a lot of animated movies. As I got older I realized that animation is not only one of the most powerful way to tell stories, but it is also a clever way to teach children or even adults morality and kindness. This is the reason why I decided I wanted to work in the animation field.

 

I spent most of my free time in school teaching myself drawing, digital painting and Flash animation. After I graduated high school I sent my portfolio to Korea National University of Arts. I was so fortunate that they liked my portfolio enough to give me full-ride scholarship and even flew me to South Korea. I later learned that the animation major at K-Arts is one of the best in the country. There I learned all the foundation knowledge and skill sets for both traditional and computer animation. I also learned a lot about the production process, having e made an animation film for my graduation thesis, which I had to do independently from pre-production to post-production.

 

Animation is my life-long passion. It is what I have been doing, it is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I’ll always work hard to improve myself in order to achieve this dream. I strongly believe that with my determination and skill, the preparation that this program provides can definitely help me accomplish my goals.

 

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

I don't know anything about animation programs, but you might want to include some more specifics about the types of work you've already done and the type of technical training you hope to get from the graduate program. Also, name the university explicitly.

[whan91]

Thank you so much Takemycoffeeblack.I can't believe rearranging can make this much difference.That is so much better than the one I've first wrote. I'll include  the university name and more information.

(I didn't include the types of work I've done in the first place because I'll put them in my portfolio.)

Thank you again for helping me. I'm really appreciate your help.

Edited December 9, 2013 by whan91

[TakeMyCoffeeBlack]

Thank you so much Takemycoffeeblack.I can't believe rearranging can make this much difference.That is so much better than the one I've first wrote. I'll include  the university name and more information.

(I didn't include the types of work I've done in the first place because I'll put them in my portfolio.)

Thank you again for helping me. I'm really appreciate your help.

 

No problem! We're all in this together at some level. Glad to help in such a small way.

[Angua]

Here are just a few style edits (because you asked about the English).

 

Why not just rearrange (and get rid of some colloquialisms) like so:

 

I want to pursue a career in animation, and the natural next step would be to attend the Visualization graduate program. Although I have the foundation knowledge and artistic skill, I know they are not enough, especially considering that most animated films today use 3D animation, and the technology is rapidly developing. I need to learn more of animation’s technical side. The Viz program will help me refine both my technical and artistic abilities. I also want to discover which focus area in the field that is suitable for me so that I can prepare myself for a career in that area - I know that I will be able to do this at (University name?).

 

Growing up as a Thai student, I didn’t always understand why my dad has encouraged me to watch a lot of animated movies. As I got older I realized that animation is not only one of the most powerful way to tell stories, but it is also a clever way to teach children or even adults morality and kindness. This is the reason why I decided I wanted to work in the animation field.

 

I spent most of my free time in school teaching myself drawing, digital painting and Flash animation. After I graduated high school I sent my portfolio to Korea National University of Arts. I was so fortunate that they liked my portfolio enough to give me full-ride scholarship and even flew me to South Korea. I later learned that the animation major at K-Arts is one of the best in the country. There I learned all the foundation knowledge and skill sets for both traditional and computer animation. I also learned a lot about the production process, having e made an animation film for my graduation thesis, which I had to do independently from pre-production to post-production.

 

Animation is my life-long passion. It is what I have been doing, it is what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I’ll always work hard to improve myself in order to achieve this dream. I strongly believe that with my determination and skill, the preparation that this program provides can definitely help me accomplish my goals.

 

This sentence: Although I have the foundation knowledge and artistic skill, I know they are not enough, especially considering that most animated films today use 3D animation, and the technology is rapidly developing.

is cumbersome -- I would try to find a way to split it into two sentences if possible.

 

Also (and this is really a personal style choice), "foundation knowledge" sounds very awkward to me. I would say "foundational knowledge" or just "foundation." I don't think it's necessarily wrong as it is written, it just sounds a bit odd.

 

Good luck!