About gossiping

[prospectiveanthro]

Dear all,

 

How would you deal with being scapegoated, and thus the target of malicious gossips coming from people in authority in grad school?

Would you confront the authors of the gossips, knowing that they will most likely deny everything and probably make the situation even worse? Or just suck it up until the academic year finishes (with graduation in sight), then give them a piece of my mind and move on?

 

Thanks

[Queen of Kale]

If the gossip is gossip - and not abuse - suck it up.  If the gossip is abuse, find a way to document it and take your documentation to someone in a position of power to help you.  That would be my plan in your shoes but there will hopefully be a wide range of valid opinions offered here along with mine and you can choose the best bits from them all.

[TakeruK]

If gossip is coming from a higher authority and is making your work/school environment uncomfortable to you, then it qualifies as abuse no matter the content of the gossip. Everyone deserves to be an environment where they feel comfortable and not feel as if your authority figures are saying nasty things about you behind your back. 

 

If you feel comfortable about a confrontation, a good first step is to politely and respectfully let them know that you don't appreciate hearing the gossip around you and that they are contributing to an environment you don't feel comfortable in. It might be really helpful to get someone else on your side. This person could be a peer, or a representative from your student society, and/or (ideally) include someone else who is also an authority figure and on your side. 

 

If the gossip is of a nature that makes you feel uncomfortable confronting the offenders, or if the offenders are in a position of authority where you do not feel comfortable confronting, I think it is okay by most workplace/school policies to escalate and talk to someone higher up in the hierarchy. Again, a faculty member/authority figure on your side can help with this, or your school's advocacy groups, or your student society.

 

Ultimately, I don't think anyone should encourage someone in this situation to "suck it up" but if the OP feels that "sucking it up" is what they want to do then fine. Confrontation can cost a lot of time, energy, and could hurt relationships. But I would encourage anyone in this situation to think about the fact that if everyone keeps "sucking it up" then this can continue to happen. I would advise everyone to still look out for themselves, and realise that confrontation might hurt them in the future. 

 

If someone in this situation chooses to confront and do something about the problem, I would highly recommend getting other people on your side, or at least as neutral observers/witnesses. Document everything and make sure there is evidence so it doesn't become he said/she said. 

[NatureGurl]

I'm not the confrontational type, and when I have tried to be, it hasn't gone down well. It's difficult to predict other people's reactions to your accusations of gossip, etc. I would echo TakeruK's comment that a confrontation could hurt your relationships with these people, and there could be unintended consequences or repercussions.

 

As an example, consider George from the TV show Seinfeld. After a date, the woman asked him if he "wanted to come up for coffee." He said no thinking she literally meant coffee. Then, later he realizes that she actually meant sex. However, if she had asked for sex, and he had refused, both parties would have lost face. If she asks for coffee, and he refused, then both parties could always say that it was just about coffee, nothing more. So you see, to ask about a confrontation is to lay it out, potentially causing many people to lose face. I would imagine that it would be difficult to interact with these people after that.

 

It also depends on the nature of the gossip--you mentioned scapegoating, as in being held responsible for something that wasn't your doing? If that's the case, I would appeal to a higher authority, knowing very well that nothing much might come of it.

 

As a personal example, I have a colleague who made the mistake of gossiping about me to a good friend of mine (this shows you how dense she was to not realize that we were good friends). Of course my friend told me, which was not surprising to me, but it definitely made me more cautious, especially since I worked with this person. The thought of confronting her about the gossiping never crossed my mind. First, if I did, then she would know that I knew that she had gossiped about me. That would strain our relationship at work, which was already strained in the first place because she's so fake and privileged, I can't stand interacting with her. I don't feel the need to tell her off or give her a piece of my mind--I don't think it would make me feel better anyway. In these cases, I just walk away knowing that she doesn't deserve any more interaction with me than is minimally necessary to get our work done.

[Loric]

Not to mention EVERYONE thinks their coworkers are ruining their day at any given moment. Familiarity breeds contempt.

[fuzzylogician]

OP, I'm not sure what the situation is exactly but as a first step I would recommend documenting whatever is going on. As a second step, I think it's important to find someone who you can consult with about the situation, who can help you think through ways of dealing with it, be it confronting the people involved, indirectly getting them to change their behavior (through intervention that doesn't need to be identified as initiated by you), or just waiting it out and leaving as soon as you can. This can be a trusted professor at your school, or perhaps an ombudsperson or a student association rep. Get someone with a wider perspective who is on your side and can serve as a front for you in dealing with these people - perhaps an anonymous complaint can be brought to their attention and affect change.

 

Sometimes confrontation could lead to more harm than good in the long run, even if it will stop the bad behavior locally. For example, publically confronting a famous professor and shaming them might lead to them being out to get you in the future, which will damage your career. Even if you are believed, the professor is inherently in a position of power over you. That doesn't mean you should just roll over and take whatever they are doing to you without complaint but rather that the bad situation is already in place and the question now is what is the best way to get out of it or minimize it without hurting you in the long run. For that reason, "giving them a piece of your mind" when you leave might also be counter-productive. If you can confront them, do it when it can help mitigate the behavior. Otherwise, find some other way to deal, as I've said. Again, using a go-between might be advisable. If nothing else, you'll have someone who is aware of what is going on and can be a witness and a supporter if the situation takes for the worse.

[prospectiveanthro]

Thank you all for your help.

 

The damage have been done already, I'm afraid, it's been going on for a while but I thought that it would eventually calm down. So far, my strategy has been to avoid certain people to the extend that it's possible because they obviously don't want to make things better. 

 

One more semester to go...

Edited December 11, 2013 by prospectiveanthro

[danieleWrites]

Ahh, this is not unlike an internet flame war where people frequenting the internet forum are caught between two warring troll factions. You are one of the troll factions (pardon the metaphor). The question is: how does a troll win a flame war? The winner is decided by the audience, actually, because it's a social contest. The trolls can bludgeon each other (verbally) in increasing confrontation until one of them gives up and either runs away crying or just quits fighting (usually with snarky comments elsewhere), but no matter which troll faction admits defeat, the real winner is the one that gets the audience on their side. Because the trolls must still be a part of the larger group, the audience will decide who "won" by treating one side better than the other.

 

How does this apply to you?

 

You're in a social group and you're something like a victim of a troll faction. You have, very wisely, chosen not to engage the trolls on their battlefield. You must now defeat the trolls, right? Your acceptance in the larger community is important. It's made worse by the fact that some of the trolls are authority figures. So, what now? Kill 'em with kindness, actually. Don't avoid people, even those at fault who don't want to fix it. Unless avoidance is the only way to avoid aggressive conflict. Passive-aggressive doesn't count. Don't be passive-aggressive either. People aren't stupid. Be civil. The trolls are also colleagues. Your spectators are now going to judge the character of you and of your trolls by how you interact. Are you an adult? Professional? Competent? What sorts of behaviors do people with these traits engage in? That is how to respond to and deal with the trolls from here on out.

 

Since some of those trolls are in authority, you should probably find some way to address it, but only with those whose authority matters. One method might be to, during the break if it's possible, drop by the offices of the trolls in authority and try to have a civil conversation. Hey, I just wanted to stop by and discuss the X Incident. The end of the semester was pretty hectic and some wild rumors were floating around. If you have any questions, I'd like to address them. I think we'll all have a better semester if we can put the incident behind us.

 

Should your best course of action be to lay low until you graduate, don't confront once you have diploma in hand. No piece of your mind. While you're not going to get a letter of recommendation from your trolls, discipline communities tend to be small enough that someone with an axe to grind can make you miserable. I recommend getting a stress doll and giving it a piece of your mind. The final recommendation is to make use of the university's counseling center. Therapists are neutral people bound by confidentiality rules. You can vent all you want in there without it ever getting it out to someone else. A therapist provides a much needed, attentive ear because sometimes, just being heard by someone else makes all of the difference. The therapist can also help you figure out strategies to deal with your trolls in the best way for you and your future, and can help you role play methods to work with the trolls in a civil fashion and to avoid confrontation.

[prospectiveanthro]

Daniele, thanks for taking the time to respond in such an imaginative way!