Impostor Syndrome

[Nautiloid]

So after submitting most of my apps I have developed a much more serious case of impostor syndrome than usual. For those of you that don't know much about this, you can refer to the wikipedia page on the topic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
 

Anywho, it has become so bad that I am half-seriously considering turning down offers of admission (should I receive any at all) because I feel I will have tricked them into offering it to me. I won't go into detail on my perceived qualifications, but I will say that I feel they are at or a little below average for the programs I am applying to (I have no published papers, only posters, and my scores/gpa are rather mediocre). It just seems like I'm not cut out for the big leagues of science and that everything I've accomplished so far has been out of luck or, less likely, pity. I've tried to comfort myself in that lots of people think this and that it's, more often than not, completely false, but the thought pattern never truly fades from the recesses of my mind.

 

I nearly cried because I couldn't quickly figure out the answer to a simple probability problem last night. It's getting embarrassing. 

 

Anyone else ever experienced this or similar Dunning-Kruger-esque symptoms? How do you calm a mind that is convinced it's stupid?

 

 

Sigh.

Excuse me while I go set up a microtiter plate and contemplate my inadequacy. 

[dvfire]

Don't worry about it Nautiloid...I am pretty sure it is just exam stress...No way success would have come to you on luck alone.  You just have to believe in yourself again

[silver_lining]

Every time I read my CV and SoP I feel like an impostor. Everyone feels this way at some point in their academic career (unless, of course, they have a huge ego). It will get worse once rejections come along, but rejection is something to be accustomed to in academia, unfortunately. Just realize that you are indeed good enough for the programs you are applying to and are smart. 

[Loric]

So after submitting most of my apps I have developed a much more serious case of impostor syndrome than usual. For those of you that don't know much about this, you can refer to the wikipedia page on the topic: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

 

Anywho, it has become so bad that I am half-seriously considering turning down offers of admission (should I receive any at all) because I feel I will have tricked them into offering it to me. I won't go into detail on my perceived qualifications, but I will say that I feel they are at or a little below average for the programs I am applying to (I have no published papers, only posters, and my scores/gpa are rather mediocre). It just seems like I'm not cut out for the big leagues of science and that everything I've accomplished so far has been out of luck or, less likely, pity. I've tried to comfort myself in that lots of people think this and that it's, more often than not, completely false, but the thought pattern never truly fades from the recesses of my mind.

 

I nearly cried because I couldn't quickly figure out the answer to a simple probability problem last night. It's getting embarrassing. 

 

Anyone else ever experienced this or similar Dunning-Kruger-esque symptoms? How do you calm a mind that is convinced it's stupid?

 

 

Sigh.

Excuse me while I go set up a microtiter plate and contemplate my inadequacy. 

 

Well, i'm not sure how far you read into the treatment or anything, but you know these thoughts are irrational.

 

Be sure to remind yourself that they're irrational and unjustified, and you're not "crazy" for thinking them. Just as the wikipedia article says it's a reaction to a situation, not an inherent personality trait. Just keep reminding yourself that it's an irrational thought and not to take action on it because it is irrational. Ask someone you trust for advice if you come to a point where you can't seem to make a decision for yourself because you're not sure if you're being irrational. 

[Maleficent999]

I keep realizing that if I am actually accepted to a program, I then have to successfully go to grad school. It's really weird. I, like you, am doubting my abilities. It would really suck to do all this work to get in and then not be able to hack it. But I've always been a "dive in head first" type of person so I have to at least try. That is the only thing bringing me peace. I'll never know until I try. I'm sure you'll do great as well. I don't know a lot about the applied sciences but if you're here that at least means you're committed so you're already off on the right foot.

[Loric]

I keep realizing that if I am actually accepted to a program, I then have to successfully go to grad school. It's really weird. I, like you, am doubting my abilities. It would really suck to do all this work to get in and then not be able to hack it. But I've always been a "dive in head first" type of person so I have to at least try. That is the only thing bringing me peace. I'll never know until I try. I'm sure you'll do great as well. I don't know a lot about the applied sciences but if you're here that at least means you're committed so you're already off on the right foot.

 

Actually, you dont "have to" successfully go to grad school. You can choose to go, and once you're there you can choose to do well or choose to do poorly or even choose to drop out. The variations have different consequences, but each is always an option. There is always an option. 

 

Free will is what makes us human. Sometimes it's best to exercise the right. 

[Loric]

Well, this whole thing reminded me of "intrusive obsessive thoughts" -

 

Notes from Google for coping:

 

"Remember that the content of your thought is irrelevant and you must apply the paradoxical approach to cope with them. If you try to engage your thoughts in any way—such as reasoning with them, pushing them away, altering your behavior to stay away from threatening situations—all these approaches will only serve to make them stronger and more intrusive. As with other forms of anxiety, your job is to do the opposite."

 

Steps for coping with Intrusive Thoughts:

 

Label these thoughts as "intrusive obsessive thoughts."

Remind yourself that these thoughts are automatic and you can safely ignore them.

Accept and allow the thoughts into your mind. Do not try to push them away.

Breathe diaphragmatically until your anxiety starts to go down.

Continue whatever you were doing prior to the intrusive thought.

 

Try Not To:

Engage the thoughts in any way.

Push the thoughts out of your mind.

Try to figure out what your thoughts "mean."

Convince yourself that you would never do what the thoughts are saying.

Change your behavior so that you avoid the possibility of acting on your thoughts.

 

Try to:

Label your anxiety level and watch it go up and down.

Allow the thoughts to remain without hindrance. (They will go away on their own).

Focus on managing your anxiety in the present. Diaphragmatic breathing is especially helpful.

 

This approach can be difficult to apply. But if you can keep applying it for just a few weeks, there is an excellent chance that you will begin to see a decrease in the number and intensity of your intrusive thoughts.

 

----

 

Not exactly the same, but seems pertinent. PS: Not a doctor, don't go do anything nutty based on internet advice. 

[Maleficent999]

Actually, you dont "have to" successfully go to grad school. You can choose to go, and once you're there you can choose to do well or choose to do poorly or even choose to drop out. The variations have different consequences, but each is always an option. There is always an option. 

 

Free will is what makes us human. Sometimes it's best to exercise the right. 

 

Not exactly what I was getting at. What I meant is that I've been realizing that applying is only one small part of the entire process. It seems really overwhelming right now but it really pales in comparison to what grad school will be like. Thus, my fears kick in.

[Nautiloid]

Thanks for the advice, Loric. 

This comes in the midst of my first rejection. Luckily it was one of my "Oh, I don't even know why I'm applying there because I'll never get in" schools. However, it took them a full 2 weeks to decide, which I've heard of times to rejection as short as 5 days from them. It gives me some hope for the other 9 schools that are still pending.

 

Nonetheless, I'm on an upswing in my confidence oscillation, so I'm glad I received a rejection today and not yesterday.  

[Maleficent999]

Thanks for the advice, Loric. 

This comes in the midst of my first rejection. Luckily it was one of my "Oh, I don't even know why I'm applying there because I'll never get in" schools. However, it took them a full 2 weeks to decide, which I've heard of times to rejection as short as 5 days from them. It gives me some hope for the other 9 schools that are still pending.

 

Nonetheless, I'm on an upswing in my confidence oscillation, so I'm glad I received a rejection today and not yesterday.  

That's such a fast turnaround. Is that normal for your field? Us soc. people have to wait until at LEAST the end of January but more than likely until February.

[Solnce]

Well, I was the best student in my undergrad and then Master's program in theoretical physics. I received a number of local honor scholarships, and had a number of publications starting while I was an undergraduate student. I was assigned to teach grad classes when I was a grad myself. But I was sure that I am fraud. Too bad I did not know anything about the syndrome back then because I felt really bad. However at some point I figured what was causing me such pain - I just did not like physics, and did not want to do physics all my life. When I could admit that I dropped out from a grad school (PhD), and went to the industry meanwhile trying to figure it out what I would love to do. I figured that. And now I am banging the doors to my happiness - to attain a profession that is so interesting for me. 

 

So... the question is - do you really want to do what you do right now?

[Nautiloid]

That's such a fast turnaround. Is that normal for your field? Us soc. people have to wait until at LEAST the end of January but more than likely until February.

 

Eh, it depends on the school. Most of them have given me some sort of time line for decisions on interviews (no interview usually means a rejection). It seems by late december/early January I should have heard from most of them. 

[Nautiloid]

Well, I was the best student in my undergrad and then Master's program in theoretical physics. I received a number of local honor scholarships, and had a number of publications starting while I was an undergraduate student. I was assigned to teach grad classes when I was a grad myself. But I was sure that I am fraud. Too bad I did not know anything about the syndrome back then because I felt really bad. However at some point I figured what was causing me such pain - I just did not like physics, and did not want to do physics all my life. When I could admit that I dropped out from a grad school (PhD), and went to the industry meanwhile trying to figure it out what I would love to do. I figured that. And now I am banging the doors to my happiness - to attain a profession that is so interesting for me. 

 

So... the question is - do you really want to do what you do right now?

 

That's an interesting point. The thing is, I really can't see myself doing anything else, which is why it would be so terrible if I truly were a fraud. I love science and I always have. Biology is such a patient science, and it fits my personality well. I think if I were having second guesses about a career in the field, I'd already be miserable working in Industry. I'm not though, and in fact, I rather like it. It's just inconvenient that I happen to still enjoy academia more. Nonetheless, it's a comfort that I can be happy so long as I'm working in science in some way or another. My current backup plan is to run away to California and work in microbiology, biotech or something else I already have experience in. 

[Althonse]

Well, I was the best student in my undergrad and then Master's program in theoretical physics. I received a number of local honor scholarships, and had a number of publications starting while I was an undergraduate student. I was assigned to teach grad classes when I was a grad myself. But I was sure that I am fraud. Too bad I did not know anything about the syndrome back then because I felt really bad. However at some point I figured what was causing me such pain - I just did not like physics, and did not want to do physics all my life. When I could admit that I dropped out from a grad school (PhD), and went to the industry meanwhile trying to figure it out what I would love to do. I figured that. And now I am banging the doors to my happiness - to attain a profession that is so interesting for me. 

 

So... the question is - do you really want to do what you do right now?

 

Oh god...this is such a fear of mine. I am currently doing cell/molecular neuroscience, but want to go into systems neuroscience (once I get to grad school). I sometimes wonder if I should have done something more pure like math or physics though. I think physics questions are really interesting too, and also sometimes feel inadequate about my current study. The weird thing is that I can't tell how much of it are these feelings of inadequacy, and how much is pure interest. I also find myself being drawn toward computational neuroscience, and again can't tell if it's because I think the theory is more interesting, or if I just think it's alluring because it seems challenging.

[Solnce]

Oh god...this is such a fear of mine. I am currently doing cell/molecular neuroscience, but want to go into systems neuroscience (once I get to grad school). I sometimes wonder if I should have done something more pure like math or physics though. I think physics questions are really interesting too, and also sometimes feel inadequate about my current study. The weird thing is that I can't tell how much of it are these feelings of inadequacy, and how much is pure interest. I also find myself being drawn toward computational neuroscience, and again can't tell if it's because I think the theory is more interesting, or if I just think it's alluring because it seems challenging.

 

 

I think that applied mathematics with focus on neuroscience and/or computational neuroscience would be winners here as they give you the Tools, with help of which you could deal with any kind of neuroscience problems. I consider it a universal education because you would not need to be stuck only with one type of the science. What do you think?

Edited December 15, 2013 by Solnce

[Solnce]

That's an interesting point. The thing is, I really can't see myself doing anything else, which is why it would be so terrible if I truly were a fraud. I love science and I always have. Biology is such a patient science, and it fits my personality well. I think if I were having second guesses about a career in the field, I'd already be miserable working in Industry. I'm not though, and in fact, I rather like it. It's just inconvenient that I happen to still enjoy academia more. Nonetheless, it's a comfort that I can be happy so long as I'm working in science in some way or another. My current backup plan is to run away to California and work in microbiology, biotech or something else I already have experience in. 

 

That's good plans. Actually really good. Well, I think that you are just not sure if PhD is for you. Is that right? Well, if you are admitted - just try it and you will find out. It's your life. Yours. And the only. So - just look, try, find what is yours. And be happy

[Maleficent999]

I actually had a nightmare relating to this thread last night...

[Althonse]

I think that applied mathematics with focus on neuroscience and/or computational neuroscience would be winners here as they give you the Tools, with help of which you could deal with any kind of neuroscience problems. I consider it a universal education because you would not need to be stuck only with one type of the science. What do you think?

 

It sounds like it would be a good option, but I don't think I have the background to go into a Masters or PhD in it. I majored in neuroscience in college, and only took math through linear algebra & diff eq.