Relationships and Graduate School

[SocInTheCity]

I almost posted about this yesterday and then when it came up today in a different thread, I wanted to put it out there.

 

I am currently in a serious, long-term relationship. One which the graduate school application process has put a big strain on...or perhaps, one that has flaws that have been exposed as a result of this process?  It's hard to say at this point.  

 

Either way, the result is that in the middle of one of the biggest transitions of my life, I'm also having to decide whether or not this is a relationship I want to put effort into during graduate school.

 

I know that the first few years are going to be extremely challenging and I find myself wondering if it wouldn't be easier to go through the transition alone. 

 

Anyone else going through this?

[dreammer3119]

It depends on the individual relationship and what flaws are coming up. I guess I got lucky in this process...at first my girlfriend was all about what I wanted to do and encouraged me to apply anywhere and everywhere. She didn't want her feelings to get in the way of my decisions. I later found out she was upset about the fact all my schools were so far. I then changed my list up a bit to compromise. The plan is that if I go away for school that she will join me asap (probably within a yr) even though she has an established position at her job. We have been together 5 and a half yrs at this point and have done long distance about half of our relationship. I think that the grad school process puts a strain on anyone's relationship no matter how strong because big life choices are looming. 

 

As far as going it alone- I personally need my girlfriends support. She already went through grad school and I supported her and now I need her to be there for me. Of course though if your relationship would end up distracting you from your studies then its not worth it. 

[TakeruK]

I'm not in Sociology but I don't think this is necessarily a problem just for Sociology? In some other fields (e.g. the physical sciences), we call it the "Two-body problem". If it helps to read about others in similar situations, a google search for that in academia will bring up a lot of blog posts and other articles about others going through similar things. And there's lots on GradCafe here as well! 

 

I just want to add that relationships do take a lot of time and effort, and you should not feel pressured to put relationships first, or career first! I think it's very important to have whatever balance that works for you personally and make you happy. You should have to feel that things like relationships or other non-career/academic priorities should come second to your career. Of course, if you want to put career/academics first, you should be able to do that too, without others pressuring you otherwise!

 

I also agree with dreammer3119 that grad school will put a strain on any relationship. My spouse isn't a student, and even though we think we had a strong and equal plan for me going to get a PhD, it still put a slight strain on us. Our plan was basically a decision that we made together because we viewed my PhD program as something that will improve the future for both of us. So, I only applied to schools that were acceptable for both of us (I made a list of schools/cities I was interested in, and my spouse had absolute veto power over any place she didn't want to live/didn't think she would be able to find work). I applied to the remaining schools and we visited them together where possible and made a decision together. But even with this plan that we both came up together and were both on board with, there were/are still moments where we question ourselves for making the right decision for both of us. It's understandable that my spouse might felt that she might have had more job opportunities where we used to live, or maybe we chose a place with a cost of living that was too high, or I would feel guilty because we made a decision to, for now, move for my career instead of my spouse's. 

 

I don't know your exact situation and I'm not trying to advise you one way or another on your relationship! I just wanted to share that there are a lot of people in similar situations. Also, that I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect relationship where the strain of moving/starting/completing a PhD program would not affect at all. Anyways, hope sharing my story was helpful

[SocGirl2013]

This topic is so applicable, o god. My boyfriend and I have only been dating 8 months, and assuming that I go away for school in August, we'd have only been together a year. So logically, we should just part ways and move on with our lives. But we both want to make it work so bad. He's getting is MS in Computer Science while working a full-time job and until he completes his Masters he cannot even think of moving, that's 2 years for sure we'll be apart (unless I am lucky enough to get funding at a good program here) and he says if we can make it through that time via LDR, we will be okay and he will move to me and get a job where I am. Jobs in his field are generally not lacking, but who is to say whatever lame village I end up in for grad school will have booming career opportunities for him? I basically really doubt it's going to work out in the long run and it hurts a lot but we have all made a commitment to this dream and this career so sacrifices are a part of that. I am going to try my best to fit my relationship into this dynamic but there is no way to be sure it will work out. 

 

All of this is, of course, assuming I get in, which based on results thus far I am starting to doubt lmao.

[Maleficent999]

This topic is so applicable, o god. My boyfriend and I have only been dating 8 months, and assuming that I go away for school in August, we'd have only been together a year. So logically, we should just part ways and move on with our lives. But we both want to make it work so bad. He's getting is MS in Computer Science while working a full-time job and until he completes his Masters he cannot even think of moving, that's 2 years for sure we'll be apart (unless I am lucky enough to get funding at a good program here) and he says if we can make it through that time via LDR, we will be okay and he will move to me and get a job where I am. Jobs in his field are generally not lacking, but who is to say whatever lame village I end up in for grad school will have booming career opportunities for him? I basically really doubt it's going to work out in the long run and it hurts a lot but we have all made a commitment to this dream and this career so sacrifices are a part of that. I am going to try my best to fit my relationship into this dynamic but there is no way to be sure it will work out. 

 

All of this is, of course, assuming I get in, which based on results thus far I am starting to doubt lmao.

 

 

Say it with me: "IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER."

[SheWrote]

Wrong thread.

Edited January 27, 2014 by SheWrote

[SocGirl2013]

Say it with me: "IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER."

Hahaha okay okay it's not over until it's over.

[gingin6789]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now.  He's now going for his masters degree in Emergency Management at the school we both went to for undergrad.  He didn't need to take the GRE, only applied to that one school, and they basically love him so much that they wanted to create a new GA position just for him. They weren't able to do that, but they found a job for him on campus!  I am pretty sure his parents are able to cover his tuition expenses.

 

I think what is making this transition as smooth as possible is that he was so relaxed throughout the entire application process, and that he's set now for grad school.  

 

I, on the other hand, invested over $1,000 in the GRE, applied to three different schools, and am not financially able to pay for grad school if I don't have funding.  He is incredibly supportive and is able to console me and help me through my anxiety spikes. 

 

Wherever I go, we won't be too far away from each other.  If I get in to Lehigh, his parents offered to provide me free lodging at their house and transportation to campus (I don't drive) since it is only 20 minutes away.  

 

I think the combination of his calm, supportive demeanor, his parents kindness, and the close distance of the schools I've applied for have really made the grad school search's strain on our relationship minimal to none.(NOTE: I didn't apply to nearby schools just to stay close to him, distance-wise. I applied because my family situation is very tenuous, and I need to be home in a moment's notice if they need me.) 

[moda]

Let the grad school fights begin! No, just kidding.

 

I've been living in China for the past 6 months and doing long-distance with my boyfriend of 5 years. Neither of us are willing to do long distance again when I return to the U.S. this summer. However, the job market has been rough in his field (political consulting/organizing) and he has been boucing from temp job to temp job.

 

We had originally intended to apply to the same schools where he hopes to get his MA. However, my academic advisors strongly advised me to apply this year. My boyfriend, on the other hand, decided that it's too soon to apply to his programs.

 

I only applied to four PHD programs, and was accepted to my top choice. Even though I'm still waiting to hear from other schools, he's already convinced that we're looking at an additional 5+ years apart. I don't want to put off grad school for another year.

 

Any advice?

[mormlib]

Let the grad school fights begin! No, just kidding.

 

I've been living in China for the past 6 months and doing long-distance with my boyfriend of 5 years. Neither of us are willing to do long distance again when I return to the U.S. this summer. However, the job market has been rough in his field (political consulting/organizing) and he has been boucing from temp job to temp job.

 

We had originally intended to apply to the same schools where he hopes to get his MA. However, my academic advisors strongly advised me to apply this year. My boyfriend, on the other hand, decided that it's too soon to apply to his programs.

 

I only applied to four PHD programs, and was accepted to my top choice. Even though I'm still waiting to hear from other schools, he's already convinced that we're looking at an additional 5+ years apart. I don't want to put off grad school for another year.

 

Any advice?

I'm no expert, but I think this would take a lot of coordination between you too. If it had been my relationship, I would talk about who had the best opportunities and try to work around that (trying to be as neutral as possible either way). That's asking a lot to sacrifice, but I think if you are able to pull through those years than the rest will be stronger for it.

As for me, I just started a relationship and I'm wondering why...I'm definitely not staying in Utah anymore as I didn't apply to (nor wanted to) any Utah schools...however, he's going to stay here to finish his BA for another year. It does kind of seem a little futile.

[skylarking]

I think mormlib is right in that you should figure out whose opportunities are best right now and work around it. It's always easiest when they're able to come with you with little workaround (as is my case, but I'm incredibly lucky in that). I also know how terrible it is to have to make long-term relationships work while you're living overseas (I've had to do it twice now, and I essentially got an ultimatum a little while ago of "never again"). I take it the opportunities for him near your top school are limited, as well? Is there anywhere sort of near to that they could work so you could meet more than over holidays? 

[Sociology89]

I am in a similar situation! I've been with my boyfriend for a few years now. He decided he wasn't ready to apply to grad school and I decided I was. We just decided that we would do everything possible to make long distance work. We have a mutual fund that we put money in for travel and a plan for talking on the phone/skyping. Long distance is hard, and you have to be committed to making it work.

[PeterRY]

Say it with me: "IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OVER."

That's the new slogan for this site.