Getting married in grad school: whom to invite?

[AppleTart]

Hi all,

 

I'm engaged and planning to get married within the next two years - however I am currently working on my PhD, so I will still be in school when the wedding happens.

 

Our wedding budget is almost nonexistent, which means the number of people we can invite is extremely limited.

 

My main question is, what is the etiquette for whom to invite?

 

I don't want to sound horrible - but I don't really want to invite anyone from my department for several reasons: money, the wedding will be in a different (far away) location, I associate people from my grad school life with stress, etc. 

 

However, I recognize that I should probably invite some people from the department (besides my advisor). Any thoughts or recommendations?

[Munashi]

I'll be getting married while in grad school too, although it will be in my first year.

I don't think you need to feel obligated to invite anyone.  If people question it, your reasons for not doing so are perfectly valid - The wedding is far away and for financial reasons, you are keeping the guest list as minimal as possible.  Most people are understanding when the financial aspect comes into play.

 

If you did want to invite your advisor, I don't think it would be inappropriate.  But if you would be inviting them hoping they don't actually take you up on it, I wouldn't extend the invitation at all.  You never know - they might come!

 

It's your wedding.  Invite only those who you and your fiance(e) would truly want to be there.  Others may disagree, but I don't think you're obligated to invite anyone from your program if you don't want to.

[juilletmercredi]

I don't want to sound horrible - but I don't really want to invite anyone from my department for several reasons: money, the wedding will be in a different (far away) location, I associate people from my grad school life with stress, etc.

 

So don't!

 

If I had had a more traditional wedding, I would've invited my advisor and three other friends of mine across my two departments, but that would be it.  And that's because those three friends were people I socialized with outside of graduate school, not just people I said hello to in the halls.

 

Nobody will be miffed if you don't invite them; think of it like a workplace.  Some coworkers become your close friends, and some coworkers are always just coworkers.

[TakeruK]

You don't have to invite your coworkers. I got married at the end of my first year at grad school, and the wedding was in our hometown, on the opposite side of the continent! We had a pretty small wedding (60-70 people)--at least small according to the standards of my culture (where basically everyone remotely connected to any member of the extended family is invited...yikes!)

 

We did a "courtesy invite" for our friends in grad school, but we did not expect anyone to actually say yes. I mean, grad students have limited budgets and limited time for travel, and it could be a burden on someone else to be invited but not know how to say no. So by "courtesy invite", I meant that we just brought it up as "if you happen to be traveling there, please let us know"--we didn't send formal invitations except for my supervisor (he had a son attending my undergrad school) and my officemate (who is also from the same place!). We made it clear that we didn't expect either to come though.

 

I think if you are really worried about offending your coworkers (which I don't think people will actually be offended) or if you would like to celebrate with your grad school colleagues, you can just hold a mini celebration in your grad school city before you leave for the wedding (or after you come back). Just something simple like go out for dinner and/or drinks. We kept our wedding to basically family only, plus a few close friends, so for most of my undergrad friends, we bought several platters of sushi and drinks and just had a good time with our friends a few days before the wedding!

[Munashi]

We had a pretty small wedding (60-70 people)--at least small according to the standards of my culture (where basically everyone remotely connected to any member of the extended family is invited...yikes!)

 

I am already catching flack from relatives I have never even met in person about this.  We're trying to go for 50 tops... lol

 

You give some good advice here, TakeruK.  The mini-celebration with grad school colleagues is a nice idea, and I might steal it myself.

[aucinema]

I think you are creating unnecessary stress for yourself. If you don't want to invite those people - then don't. I don't think members of your cohort/advisors/coworkers expect to be invited to your wedding (unless maybe you are also close outside of the university, but that's obviously different).

Edited April 4, 2014 by aucinema

[GreenePony]

I actually never got flack for not inviting everyone (with the "b list" I sent out maybe 150 invites, had 75 people there.) My wedding was between junior and senior year of undergrad but a peer/friend just got married between our first and second year of masters- neither of us invited many peers. I'm not sure I invited anyone from my department to my wedding, but I did get plenty of congrats when I returned. I also made the rule that couples had to have already been in a committed relationship when we got engaged to get a plus one to the wedding and no one yelled at me. (Caveat, I was at field school in the weeks leading up to the wedding so it was also hard for people to get in touch )

 

Even Emily Post would say its okay to blame it on the budget if someone asks why you didn't invite x, y, or z

 

We were planning on having a 2nd "reception" (was going to be a cook out) in my hometown since I got married 25 hours away but that never happened and still no one has complained. My parents did that when they got married (similar long distance wedding), definitely not unheard of and can be cheaper than having one giant fancy wedding.

[TakeruK]

I also made the rule that couples had to have already been in a committed relationship when we got engaged to get a plus one to the wedding and no one yelled at me. (Caveat, I was at field school in the weeks leading up to the wedding so it was also hard for people to get in touch )

 

We also had this rule to help keep the size down  

[ArthChauc]

No idea why this post got down voted. I up voted because that's ridiculous. 

 

I'm getting married this winter and I'm in an MA program now and will be starting a Ph.D program four months before the wedding. I'm inviting two people I know from grad school plus my advisor because they're good friends of mine. For everyone else, they know I'm getting married and it's fine--I'm sure none of them expect an invitation so I don't feel bad not giving them one. I've learned to use the line "we're on a budget and having a small wedding" to get out of the awkward people-inviting-themselves weirdness--I have friends from high school that assume they're going to be invited and who'll be shocked when they aren't. It's no hard feelings, it's just all about money. If someone asks and you aren't inviting them, tell them something like "we've had to make a lot of sacrifices with our guest list due to money". At the very least, it will key them into the idea that they might not be invited. 

 

Also, thumbs up to the Emily Post reference. I read her stuff on Slate twice a week!