Is guilt normal?

[rachelann1991]

I just turned down my other offers, and I feel so guilty I could cry. I've never been more sure about anything: I know Stony Brook is the right choice, but I feel horrible about possibly offending people and having these programs get mad at me (even though I barely know these people!). Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this, or am I just messed up?

[pure titanium]

I think that is very normal. It is hard to turn down something someone has 'given' you. It goes against our nature. Daughter struggled back and forth from day to day, sometimes within a day! I hope she made the right decision. I helped gather information, but the decision had to be made by her. Debt scared her and in the end she went for the best financial deal...but it still hurts--her and me!

[ICanHazPhdPreez?]

I totally get where you're coming from. I feel guilty about making programs wait while I make a decision. I feel guilty about everyone on waitlists at the schools I'm deciding between. I feel guilty for being so paralyzed by indecision that I'm not even excited (seriously, shouldn't I be more excited and less ... tired?!). I can only imagine how bad I'll feel declining.

 

That said, I know it's all irrational. They're not offended, because these people have been through the exact same process and they understand that we have to make the decision that's right for us, in the timeframe that's right for us. Sometimes I tell myself "don't worry, they'll forget you by this time next year." But then I ask myself what's worse - running into an almost-POI at a conference and having him/her be like "I'm so sad to not be working with you!" or have him/her say "Um, I'm sorry, you're...who?" Sigh.

 

But hey - how lucky are we to get to make these kinds of decisions and have these "problems"?

[rhetoricus aesalon]

Totally agree. I hate this feeling. But, remember to stay positive and kind. These schools may have faculty that will be on a hiring committee for you one day!

[ProfLorax]

The guilt is normal, but short-lived! I felt the same way last year, but the feeling quickly abated as I got more and more excited about the big move and starting my new program. I haven't looked back since.

[rachelann1991]

It's so nice knowing that others feel the same! Rationally, I understand that these programs will understand, and the responses from the graduate directors so far have been really positive and kind, but it's still a weird feeling. I'm trying to make myself feel better by thinking about how right my choice feels and how happy I feel about starting grad school at Stony Brook next year It's definitely working a little bit!

[sorairo]

I think it's pretty normal, yeah. I'm turning down a group with an amazing PI who spent a good two hours showing me his lab on visiting weekend / has never failed to send me detailed and thoughtful replies to my emails within the hour... it was a close second choice entirely because of him, but my first choice is at a way more prestigious school and I really worry that he'll feel like I wasted his time. :/ I'm sure (well, I keep telling myself) that they understand that good candidates will be seen as good candidates anywhere, though, and ultimately you can only accept one. Congrats on knowing that your choice is the right one

 

EDIT: Wow, not even sure how I ended up in "Literature, Rhetoric and Composition"... ignore everything about the labs, haa. I was just so glad to find people who were feeling the same...

Edited April 3, 2014 by sorairo

[Imaginary]

Yes. Besides the lab tours, I can relate. The people I communicated with at 2/3 of my remaining acceptances were really wonderful. That isn't to say that the third was bad; I just didn't develop contacts there. Anyway, I wish I could work with all of them, and so it kind of came down to location.. something that I hadn't realized would be such a factor when I applied.

I think it's pretty normal, yeah. I'm turning down a group with an amazing PI who spent a good two hours showing me his lab on visiting weekend / has never failed to send me detailed and thoughtful replies to my emails within the hour... it was a close second choice entirely because of him, but my first choice is at a way more prestigious school and I really worry that he'll feel like I wasted his time. :/ I'm sure (well, I keep telling myself) that they understand that good candidates will be seen as good candidates anywhere, though, and ultimately you can only accept one. Congrats on knowing that your choice is the right one

 

EDIT: Wow, not even sure how I ended up in "Literature, Rhetoric and Composition"... ignore everything about the labs, haa. I was just so glad to find people who were feeling the same...

[andrewcycs]

I for one don't really understand the guilt! It's part of the process. I doubt it breaks their hearts for people to turn them down. The roles are reversed! Enjoy it.

[Imaginary]

Ha. Good point. Still, it does feel a bit like I have wasted their time.

I for one don't really understand the guilt! It's part of the process. I doubt it breaks their hearts for people to turn them down. The roles are reversed! Enjoy it.

[angelperak]

I completely understand the guilt, which is why I procrastinated for so long before I turned down any offers. It's like breaking up with someone who likes me! And I couldn't attend any of the visiting weekends (I live overseas atm), so it made the decision and the "what ifs" harder. But I think I've made the right decision and now I can just look forward to attending!