Should I Transfer? Am I Not Cut Out for Grad School?

[Kenway]

Hey y'all,

 

I just started a Ph.D program in Math (no Master's yet, just starting grad school but I'm still considered a Ph.D. student, I've read it is different in other fields so I thought this might be necessary to avoid confusion) and I could use some help/advice.

 

Some backstory first: I'm homesick as hell, I moved away from Maryland and I really miss people back home, in particular the friends I made through high school and undergrad. I expected the move to be hard but not this hard, a part of me feels incomplete being unable to see them even every now and then, it would be just an hour or so drive and I could see the people who mean the most to me but the 10-12 hour drive I'd have to do now isn't really practical.

 

The program I'm in so far seems great. From what I've seen so far the other students are really nice, the professors are good and approachable, and the department takes care of us. However, I still miss home, and those other things kind of don't seem as important to me now. Like I said the other students seem really nice and I've been hanging out with them for the past few weeks, going over their houses for dinner or going out for drinks, but no matter how much I try it just feels like something is missing and it doesn't feel right. My love for Math hasn't changed, regardless of what job I end up in I still will be studying/dabbling around with research in Math on my own time, but the connections I've made with those people are very important to me, and I'm starting to question whether my education/job is more important to me or the people in my life.

 

Lately I've begun seriously considering trying to transfer to a program closer to home, and I'm wondering if I can get some advice from y'all on this:

- Is this ultimately the wrong reason to transfer?

- The workload and teaching responsibilities don't seem bad / excessively stressful / I believe I am definitely capable of handling them, but does what I have said above indicate that I'm not cut out for grad school?

- I have no individual advisor, until we pass our quals and become a full Ph.D. candidate the graduate director functions as our advisor. I'm worried that my hesitations and concerns about the program here and desire to transfer would offend him/the department, is there a way I could go about this and voice my concerns without offending anyone and not give myself any future problems if I do end up staying?

- If I do try to transfer, what can I do to ensure the highest chances of success? What should I include and not include about my decision to transfer in a statement of purpose? Would a letter of recommendation from a professor here (I'm new, so I don't have a deep relationship with many, if any, professors here) and two letters from professors from my undergrad look bad? I had an excellent relationship with my professors in undergrad, and I just graduated recently so they would certainly remember me.

 

 

Any and all input is greatly appreciated, and thank you very much for reading through all of this as I potentially go through a quarter-life crisis.

 

Cheers!

Kenway

[danieleWrites]

I'm going to address the homesick thing because that seems to be the root of your problem. Don't let homesickness be what makes your choices for you. It is natural to miss home and the people you know the point of being miserable, even seriously depressed. Something is missing: what you're used to. Before you make any decisions, visit with your campus counseling center about how you're feeling. Counseling isn't just for people who need to spend a great deal of time in therapy. It's also for people who only need to speak with someone a few times to make sure they're making good decisions. You've just started the program, the people are great, the program is great, you're going out and doing things, but you're just feeling something missing, but you're not sure what. Give the program a shot. See how the full semester goes. If you do choose to leave the school for one closer to home, make sure you're doing it because that's the better choice for your future, not because you're missing home.

[AKCarlton]

I'm sorry, but the homesick thing can and will dissipate soon enough. Me and my friend I've made here in Boston literally moved across the country (me from Arizona and her from California) and we don't even have time to be homesick with the workload we each respectively have in our programs.

 

Stick it out. I am missing Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years with my family whom I love to death...because airfares don't decrease in price until after, but they already promised to celebrate Christmas with me in January when I make it back.

 

Is your cohort not making an effort to befriend you? If not, break the barrier and start connecting with them. So to answer your question: Is this ultimately the wrong reason to transfer? .... I honestly think it is...if you love Math as much as you say you do, don't ever give up this opportunity. Especially since you were immediately accepted into a PhD program!

 

I do apologize if this came across as crude...but you need to realize at this point in your life you're going to be moving and growing and starting to experience new things quite often...I have had to remind myself of this many many times because of how close i am with my own family. But this is your time in life to create a life of your own. Make friends who will become your family for the time being. Embrace it, don't fear it.

Edited September 8, 2014 by AKCarlton

[bsharpe269]

It seems like you are really liking the program and are just dealing with homesickness! You are dealing with something that most students feel at some point and that you unfortunately will have to feel more times throughout your life. It is clear that you have many acheivements or else you would not be in a PhD program so do not let those acheivements be in vein.

 

If you let difficulty with change and homesickness define your life and your career then think about where that will take you. First, you will not finish your phd that you worked hard to get into. Also, your future grad school options, post doc options, job options will all be limited. Your adventures in life will be limited. Finding a spouse will be limited to finding someone who also never wants to move from the few hour radius of your family. This is no way to live life! I encourage you to try to move thoughts of transfering from your mind and focus on creating a home for yourself in your new location. It sounds like you are meeting lots of people which is great. Continue to find new ways to meet more people like going to grad school events that involve other departments too. If you like to workout then classes at the gym are a great way to improve your mood and meet even more people. Also, make sure your living situation feels homey. Put up pictures and decorations and try to make it feel like home.

 

I really encourage you to at least give the program a year until you consider transfering. Maybe tell yourself that if you still feel like this in a year then you will put in transfer applications. For an example similar to what you are going through, my friend moved to NYC after college and really struggled for about 6 months. She flew home whenver possible and called upset alot. She told herself that she was going to push through 2 years to get her career in writing started and then come home. Guess what? It has been 3 years and NYC is now her home. She cannot imagine living anywhere else and wants to settle there permantely. The piece that you feel is missing is home and you can create home where you are, it will just take time.

[confusedkate]

You shouldn't leave school because of anyone else. Grad school is never going to be the same as undergrad or high school, but it will get better and you'll meet great people.

Also the things and people you miss probably won't be the same if you do go home. People and relationships change when college ends. Lots of the friends you have will move in the next couple of years and the way that you remember things is not how they will be if you move home. I thought I would be friends with my sorority sisters forever and wanted to live near them, but a year later (even though 90% of us live within an hour) the group has kinda fallen apart and the relationships I have with each person are very different.

Don't leave school especially when you like the program so much!!

[rising_star]

Kenway, there's nothing in your post or about what you've written that suggests you aren't cut out for grad school. And, given that you're only a few weeks in, it is way too early to talk about transferring. At the graduate level, transfers should be about getting a better research fit, not about trying to live near friends. I say this because, as has already been pointed out, it is difficult to stay in one location for one's entire life. Even if you transfer to a PhD program near your family and friends, you have to think about whether you'll be able to pursue a meaningful career near them as well (as danieleWrites has pointed out).

 

I think the major thing right now is to try to do some things to get your mind off of what you no longer have. Explore your new city. Take some trips into Canada. Explore the Finger Lakes region. If you like wine, there's great ice wine in the Niagara region and great wine in general in the Finger Lakes. Continue hanging out with those in your program and working to meet others. Join a meetup group. Go to campus-wide graduate student events. Take up a hobby.

 

I write this as someone that was super homesick as an undergrad and seriously considered transferring back home to be near my friends. But, in the end, I'm glad I didn't because I grew and changed as a person in ways that were actually probably really good for me. Also, my friends changed and some of them are basically acquaintances now because we've drifted apart. That happens. People do drift apart and you will. I should say that given all the technology these days, you can/should schedule regular Skype/FaceTime/Hangouts chats with your friends so that you can see them and get caught up on their lives. That will help you stay in touch and feel like you're still part of one another's lives.

 

Don't take any drastic actions right now. Everything is new so of course you feel uneasy. Do what you can to take care of yourself mentally and physically so that you're making decisions in a clearheaded way. Talking to a counselor about everything is also a great idea because they will be able to provide strategies for dealing with homesickness as well as provide an outside, unbiased view on your decision-making process regarding dropping out or transferring.

 

Best of luck, Kenway. Do keep us posted.

[VioletAyame]

I wanna echo the advice that you should give it a year, or at least a semester to see if your feelings improve. As someone who went away for undergrad and then again for grad school and have been in my current location for less than a month, I really understand how you're feeling. I always have a bad case of homesickness and I know how overwhelming it can be, how it can make nothing else in your life seem to matter, how big the urge to throw everything away and go home is. I also know that it's my emotions talking and thus not rational. I was upset for a month or two before this move and right now, even though I've adapted better than I thought (which is not saying a lot, I'm usually very bad at adapting to new environment ), it still feels strange and empty at time now that I'm alone in a new city and the connections I've made so far can't yet compare to all the long-time friendships I just left. I mean how can it? But when I moved for my undergrad, I also felt that way about my high school friends, and now I'm feeling that way about my college friends, so I'll probably feel that way about my grad school friends when I'm done and moving away again. It's a terrible cycle, but it also means you've had some good time and great friends, and you'll have them again! It's a cliche but it does get better - we tend to overestimate our misery and how long it'll last. PM me if you ever need to talk to somebody, and do keep us posted!

[lyrehc]

Homesickness is something that hits people at varying levels.  I left Alaska in 2000.  I've been gone 14 years and I still get homesick frequently. 

 

In the early years I frequently considered giving up everything I was working on (marriage, undergraduate) and going back "home."  I didn't have strong ties to anyone other than my husband. 

 

I was given advice by someone to not give up on a location until I had been there for a minimum of 18 months.  That gave me the chance to build relationships with people where I was living rather than focusing on being back home.  It helped.

 

The other things that have helped me is to network as much as possible.  I have relationships with my cohort, with other department's cohorts (because I take classes from other disciplines), from church, from my kids' soccer/baseball teams, etc.  The more I do and the more I invest in others, the easier it is to be happy where I'm at rather than focus on where I miss.

 

You might also consider contacting student services and making an appointment at your university's counseling center.  The staff there can help you come up with ways specific to where you are that will allow you to build relationships and cope with the homesickness.  It's hard getting used to a new place and you have my empathy.

[biotechie]

I second what everyone above has said about homesickness. I was pretty homesick for my first couple of months. I agree that it might be good to talk to a counsellor or your ombudsman about how you're feeling, but I think you should stick it out for a year and see how you feel then.

 

In the meantime, here are some things you can do to help feel less homesick:

 

1. Skype and/or Google chat your friends and family. I didn't have time to do this often during my first year, but once a week, I would Skype my parents, and I video chatted with my boyfriend a couple of evenings a week. I found that if I used my TV as a second monitor and kept the video open with my boyfriend as we both worked in the evenings, it was more like he was there with me. In addition, some chat platforms let you play games with your friends. We had a monthly game night where we would play Uno or scrabble over chat.

 

2. Be a pen pal, the old-school way. This initially started with my boyfriend and I sending each other random things, then my grandma started writing me letters, and now I'm writing back and forth with my best friend. Unlike e-mail this takes a little more time and consideration to do, and it shows you care. I can distract myself with letters or making crafts/shopping for them, and it is fun to watch them open it over video. It is also really nice to get items in the mail that aren't bills!

 

3. Make it a point to go to the grad student mixers and events. Even if there is drinking and you don't drink, make it a point to go to a couple. You need to find people who are around you at school that you like to hang out with. Now I have a group of 5 or 6 friends, and we hang out for movie nights once a week or random outings in the area a couple of times a month.

 

4. Nothing says your friends can't visit you on a long weekend (provided you don't have school requirements... always put that first). You could also always road-trip to somewhere halfway between you for a fun weekend. My boyfriend comes to see me once every couple of months, but I also try to take a 3-day weekend every once in a while now that classes are done to go visit him. I make up for the missed day by working extra other weeks. I'm more in a lab setting, so my work actually requires me to be physically present in my lab. You may have more flexibility in math than I do in life sciences. it is perfectly acceptable (and usually expected) to go home for a couple of days for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. My PI made me go home for a short vacation when I finished classes in May. Most professors understand that we are human.

 

5. Find some hobbies that are actually fun to do on your own. I love painting, reading, and hiking (alone or with friends), but I've discovered my new favorite thing is going to museums alone. I get to take the time to explore at my own pace without someone getting bored and hurrying me up.

 

6. Try new things. I joined a zumba class, which I love, and I also play soccer, which I had never played before. I'm also joining a music ensemble (because I miss my music) now that my qualifying exam is over, and I'm volunteering for a science program on Saturday mornings for local middle school kids. Next summer, I'm going to learn to scuba dive.

 

(I'll add more as I think of them)

 

The thing to remember is that you want to go through this program because you love math. If you go to an institution closer to home and ultimately want to work in academia, it may actually make it harder to get a position there. You may find that you want to actually explore more of the world once you get used to being away; now I'm even looking into post-docing in Australia! You'll be surprised how you change in a year (for the better!). You just have to give it a chance.

Edited September 8, 2014 by biotechie