Transfer PhD for personal reason

[Classy_Nerd]

Ok so this is a tricky one.

I got accepted to a great PhD program last year but could not enroll for several reasons and deferred for a year. 

Now I want to start next August but I am still torn. The thing is I met this great guy six month ago and I think it is going well although we are doing long distance.

At some point though we will need to commit and move to same location (he already proposed and I said I am not ready yet) 

Although he is ready to move to the city where I want to start my PhD , he cannot stay there for five years since it means career suicide for him (he has one of the most envied jobs on the planet, and all the big companies in his field are located in the same location he is now)

So if I decline the PhD offer, I am losing all hope at this school forever for a relation that I am not still sure about its future, and if I accept and then decide I want to marry this guy I cannot see how we can continue with a whole continent between us.

 

So my question, after this long winded explanation, can I accept this PhD offer and see how it goes with my boyfriend this year. And if we decide to get married, try and transfer to a really good school that is 1 hour from his location? Did anyone go through a transfer process like this? how and when did you apply? who recommended you? and were you able to transfer credits?

 

Don't tell me to apply for the school next to him from now, since I am really not ready to give up on the offer I already have at this great school especially since I already deferred once, I cannot refuse them again.

 

Thanks

Edited November 23, 2014 by Classy_Nerd

[dr. t]

Figure out what's more important to you, school or the relationship. If you try to have your cake and eat it too, odds are you will end up disappointed on both fronts.

 

FWIW, my own opinion is to go to the school and plan on staying there for the full program, and hope the relationship continues to work. I think you're jumping the gun a bit though; it's only been six months.

Edited November 23, 2014 by telkanuru

[Taeyers]

I would take the offer at the great school and roll with the punches moving forward. As a married person, I can't even describe how much things continue to change and you continue to learn about each other past 6 months, and even past a couple years after you first start dating. You made a really smart decision in telling him you're not ready yet. I personally feel like declining a dream PhD offer would be about as drastic as a quick engagement, and at 6 months that seems like a really bad idea...

If this really is the relationship that will survive the ups and downs of everything that comes with marriage, it will also survive long-distance while you finish your degree. A man that would be a great future husband would encourage you to do what's best for your future, which sounds like accepting this great offer. Ultimately you should trust your gut, but be wary of the honeymoon period and allowing yourself to feel like you really know him to be "the one" (worth abandoning your goals that you worked towards for years) at this relative early point in your relationship. 

[biotechie]

I personally wouldn't give up your offer for your relationship. Part of being with someone is being able to work with them, even if it means you have to live apart for a while. When I applied to graduate programs, my boyfriend of over 2 years made sure I didn't limit by location because of him. He knows that I value my independence and that I want to contribute to society through research. If I stayed and didn't go to the school I got into, I think I would be miserable right now, and that would be worse for us. So I moved 13 hours away and we have been long-distance for over a year. It sucks sometimes, especially when one of us is stressed out or upset, but we have made it work. Now, at 4 years in, we just got engaged last month, and will wait to plan our wedding until we can live together. However, we know we can survive despite the distance, and we are both establishing career paths for ourselves that will make us happy.

 

My point is that if your relationship is meant to be, you guys will make it work while you go to school. Your relationship is still pretty young... I think if I were in your shoes, there is no way I would be willing to give up something I viewed as my best shot at my career, something I would find fulfillment in and use as a means to support myself, for something that I couldn't prove to myself was a sure thing. I only briefly considered it when I applied as boyfriend and I had been dating for so long. I feel that if he really is the one for you, he will understand if you also want/need fulfillment through your career, that you should pursue it through the best avenue you can. You already have the offer and the ability to go to this school, so I would jump on the opportunity. Besides, it is often considered to be more wise to do your PhD studies away from the area you might be living in... so you may be setting yourself up for better luck in the future by doing your studies away from where he is and pursuing positions in that region later on.

[bsharpe269]

Go to school!!!!!

 

I was in your situation a couple years ago. I met the most amazing man on the planet and eneded up giving up a pretty big opportunity that would have put us in different countries for a few years. Very similar situation as you... he was amazing, perfect, he proposed to me after 9 months. Im just going to say that people change, things change. I am very happy with where I am and made things work but if he truly is the perfect guy for you then he will support the fact that you need to chase after your dreams. I think you should go to school. If after being there for over a year, things are still just as perfect with the guy then you can take your masters from there and you can apply to schools in cities that are better for his career.

[maelia8]

I'd like the second the above comments and advise you to stick with your academic plans over radically compromising them for a relationship. Perhaps if you'd been together with this person for a couple of years already, had lived together for a while, and/or were engaged, I might say it's time to compromise and make sacrifices, but that this point, I think that you shouldn't be agonizing over big decisions about your life in terms of how they will affect a relationship that is still pretty new. Transferring grad school can be difficult and in some cases impossible (or require you to start over your coursework at the new institution because nothing carries over), so if you commit to this program, don't just do it thinking that you'll be getting out of it in a year anyway, but commit to see it through from the beginning if at all possible. Best of luck to you with your decision.

[starofdawn]

 

So if I decline the PhD offer, I am losing all hope at this school forever for a relation that I am not still sure about its future...

 

I think that's your answer.

 

I know that sometimes people know when they've found The One, even if they have only been dating for a little amount of time. My parents got married after dating for 3 months - they just celebrated 31 years of marriage last month. I was going to offer a counter-opinion and say that it's OK to choose schools based on location of your significant other, but when I re-read your post, I saw this line - and realized that I should echo what everyone else is saying.

 

Choose the school. From your post, I think it's what you want.

 

Good luck in making your final decision. Sometimes doing the right thing is very difficult.

[juilletmercredi]

Two things

 

1) You're not sure about this guy yet - not sure if you want to marry him and make it work forever.  I would say definitely don't give up your PhD plans and academic career for somebody you're not sure about.

 

2) If it's right and you are willing to make it work, you can do long distance for the relatively short amount of time of your doctoral program.  Assuming you're in your late 20s/early 30s, your PhD program is just 5-7ish years.  But after that, you'll have maybe 30, 40+ years to be together.  Although realize that if you want to be in academia, it's hard to limit your academic search to one geographical location - not impossible, but quite difficult.

 

I married my husband after 11 years together, 4 of which we spent long distance when he was in the military and I was in graduate school.  At the point at which I was choosing graduate schools, I also worried about an entire country separating us.  He told me to pick a grad school based on what was best for me and my career, and that we'd work out the details later.  We did make it work - he ended getting stationed relatively close to me (a train ride), and when he separated from the military he moved to join me.  We're long distance again (4 hour drive) for my postdoc.  We won't be doing this again, lol.

 

So my question, after this long winded explanation, can I accept this PhD offer and see how it goes with my boyfriend this year. And if we decide to get married, try and transfer to a really good school that is 1 hour from his location? Did anyone go through a transfer process like this? how and when did you apply? who recommended you? and were you able to transfer credits?

 

Well, in theory, yes.  I have a friend whose boyfriend did this, although he also left his program for other reasons.  He left his PhD program across the country and moved to our grad school city, where he got a job as a project coordinator.  He worked at that for a few years while making connections with potential PIs in our general geographic area.  After that, he chose which PhD program he wanted to do and applied.  He still ended up not being in the same city - they were about the same distance apart as I was from my husband, but my friend ended up moving closer to him since she was further along in her PhD.  But the important thing to note is that 1) he left his program for a variety of reasons, only one of which was the geographic distance from his girlfriend, and 2) it took him a few years before he was able to increase the chances of being where he wanted to be.  He had to get to know people and prove his worth a bit.  It's difficult to just walk through the front door at one particular school.  And no, he didn't transfer any credits.  He started over from scratch.  I have just a few friends who transferred PhD programs, and none of them were able to transfer any credits.  I think that if you plan to transfer, you should do it with the knowledge that you will probably start over from scratch or pretty close to it.  We are in the same field, by the way (you and I.)

 

In practice, it sounds quite a bit harder.  First of all, if you're accepting it to begin next August, and you're trying to see how it goes this year (between now and August 2015), that means that you'll be making your decision sometime in the summer of 2015.  Well, in order to move to the next PhD program in the fall of 2016, that means you'd have to apply for transfer right away in the fall of 2015.  I think you could burn some bridges and generate some bad feelings if you are trying to transfer out the moment you step on campus - then it becomes very clear that you already decided that you didn't want to be there, and you took a slot and money from someone else who might have stayed (in their minds). It would be better if you waited a year to try to start in Boyfriend's City in the fall of 2017.

 

Secondly, transferring PhD programs is actually quite an involved process.  Transferring isn't really the right word for it, as you're usually starting over.  You need the support from your current program - because the new program is going to want to know that you aren't transferring because you set the place on fire or something.  So you'd have to tell your advisor early on that you need a letter of support from them to move.  That's another reason that doing in next fall is not a good idea, because basically a month after you get there you'll be telling your advisor you're getting ready to leave them.  You'll need to contact the potential PIs at the other school and see if they are even taking students AND if they want to take a student who has already begun a PhD program elsewhere.  They're going to be curious about why you are leaving (as will your home school).  You need to make it mostly about fit - you can't make it primarily about personal reasons, otherwise you look flighty and unconnected.  Basically, you need to be an otherwise really strong candidate that any school would want, because the transferring issue raises quite a bit of skepticism from people.

 

 

Don't tell me to apply for the school next to him from now, since I am really not ready to give up on the offer I already have at this great school especially since I already deferred once, I cannot refuse them again.

 

I think this right here is all you need to know.  If you are not emotionally ready to give up on the offer at the program you love - why do you think you'd be willing to give it up in a year's time, when you've barely begun?  Moreover, it is MUCH harder to leave a program once you've begun it (emotionally speaking) than it is to just not go in the first place.  Personally, I think that your best options are either to go to this PhD program with the determination that you will finish there, too (and perhaps make plans to move with your boyfriend in 3-4 years when you are at the dissertation stage), OR to choose not to go right now and try to get admitted to the one by your boyfriend's city in a year's time.  And I think that the right choice is to continue to go to the program to which you've committed.

[music]

I was in a somewhat similar situation. I got accepted for my PhD over 4000 miles away from my bf, who I had been dating for 8 months at the point that I left to start school. In the end, I figured that I'm young, and if we want to be together forever, we would work out a way to make it happen. As it turns out, he's relocating to be with me next summer, and spending time long distance made it very clear to us that we really do want to spend our lives together. It's not an ideal situation right now (suffice to say I am looking forward to the holidays and spending a huge chunk of my stipend on flights, and he is also finding ways to visit me each quarter), and it probably wont be for some considerable time, but I have no regrets taking up my PhD offer. Even if things hadn't worked out because of the distance, I would interpret it as having been for the best.

[Classy_Nerd]

Thank you all for the great responses and valuable advice

I accepted the deferred offer . It has already changed dynamics between me and my boyfriend. He is supportive but I know it pains him that I voluntarily chose to spend at least 5 years apart especially that I did not even apply to the school near him.

He said he can try to transfer closer when I start the program but I know it is hard. In addition to his career, he has family, friends and property where he is and I don't think he can just uproot that easily,

 

I don't know if it is the right decision. He is the greatest guy I ever knew and as cliche as it may sound I believe he is my soul mate. I don't know what will happen between now and August when I start the program, but I fear that I will either weaken and leave the program for him then later resent him for it. Or he will be bitter that I chose this program over the chance of us being together when I could have a good chance at a PhD nearby.

As Telkanuru said , I cannot have my cake and eat it too! no matter how much I want that

Anyways that is life......

 

Happy New Year everyone !  

[dr. t]

Not to be brutal, but I would put forward the idea that if he cannot deal with you choosing what is best for you and does not encourage you to pursue the course you love, but instead pressures you towards a different course, he is not your soul mate.