Forgot to say the magic word during LOR request

[jujubea]

So, of course, now that application dust is beginning to settle, I'm going through everything in my head dozens of times trying to remember if I did everything properly, correctly, exceptionally, and at least well.

 

I remember that one of the first people I asked for a LOR, I did not ask if he/she could write me a STRONG letter, I only asked if they would write me a LOR. With a PAUSE, they agreed. I know this person thinks the world of the work I did when I was in their department, they have said so very directly to me, and indirectly to our mutual colleagues in the department. It took two and a half people to replace me when I left, because I was handling so much.

 

HOWEVER, I also knew this person was a little miffed at me in the past, because I left their department three months earlier than planned, when I got a seriously unignorable job offer (once in a lifetime). I am really worried that this person may have said something negative about me (even something as small as, "She was great, except she left our project with only two weeks notice, right after assuring me she'd be here for three more months".... or worse, that the person harbors some secret grudge against me but not to my face, that I left). 

 

The fact that I did not ask if he/she could write me a STRONG letter.... and the fact they they PAUSED before answering.... basically has my mind reeling right now.

 

Is it too weird to go back and ask the person now, after they've submitted all the letters, whether they wrote me a strong letter or not? Would it make a difference? Would the torture of hearing them say "Well, you didn't ask me to write a strong letter, you only asked me to write a letter" be worse than the torture of not knowing whether they wrote me a strong letter or not...?

 

What would you do?

 

Would one letter with a slightly negative comment completely ruin my chances?

[FinallyAccepted]

One letter with a "slightly negative comment" should not ruin your chances. I would advise against asking your professor what he/she wrote. I would do your best to let it go. If it comes up in an interview, you can always talk about why you had to leave the project.

[Applemiu]

Don't worry so much. I did NOT ask for STRONG letters myself. 

 

Is it too weird to go back and ask the person now, after they've submitted all the letters, whether they wrote me a strong letter or not? Would it make a difference? 

 

Don't do it, it would not make any difference. Let it go. I am sure there is no "slightly negative comment". Worse case scenario, the letter is not super over-the-top enthusiastic, as "this is the best students I ever had" or "if you don't take her, I'll take her". That's it. These people are pros. I am sure they did not write anything negative.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Applemiu

[shadowclaw]

I agree, it's unlikely that this person has actually written something negative. I feel confident that there are very few if any malicious professors out there who would write a terrible letter for a student. If she/he truly did not have anything good to write about you, then the person would have declined.

I also agree that you should definitely not ask about the letter. You cannot do anything about it, and since you already know the only potential undesirable comment, you can be prepared to talk about it if questioned.

I'm also guilty of not asking for strong letters, but I already know that my writers have written good things about me. They didn't tell me, but I know. I think I have a small advantage in that I asked to writers who wrote for me for my MS applications. My graduate coordinator told me that my letters were stellar and were the key item that got me accepted (I have a very hairy undergrad record), so I know those two letters will be awesome.

[rising_star]

I have never asked for a "strong" letter of recommendation. Ever. I ask if people are willing/interested in writing a letter for X, Y, or Z, and leave it at that. My assumption has always been that if the letter won't be favorable, they'd tell me. But, I also wouldn't ask someone that wouldn't write a favorable one. At this point, jujubea, I wouldn't ask the recommender anything at all unless it's to make sure the letters were submitted. Don't ask about the content. Don't fish around to try to ascertain the content. Just let it go. They're in and there's literally nothing you can do about the letter right now. 

[bsharpe269]

I think you're just being paranoid (we all are a bit!) definetly don't bring this up to the professor.

[jujubea]

Wow...! Thank you all for the really great responses. Thoughtful, honest, to the point, and each helpful! Especially because I'll be sleeping a little better now...