Give up on this field and plans of a PhD?

[tislbken]

So, I ended up having an extremely volatile affair with my unofficial advisor while an MA student.

 

He's unfortunately an extremely well-known scholar in the field, but a sociopath, a liar (lied about his marriage and never wore his wedding ring in public), and we unfortunately worked very, very closely together.

 

I had no idea what I was getting into, and since lots of time has passed, I'm beginning to see things more clearly. My other friends, who are professors or in the field, say that he took complete advantage of me. To be clear, I never "wanted" any career benefits from this... We came together out of a mutual attraction, and we shared lots of ideas, and it just turned into a weird, intensely intellectual relationship. As a result, I spent most of professional time and energy with/on that asshole. I've pretty much read and edited everything he's written and published for the last couple of years and he's read all of my work. We were involved for about 3 years.

 

He was supposed to be one of my recommenders for PhD programs, but more and more, he's distancing himself from me professionally, despite always saying that us not seeing each other anymore wouldn't affect his support of my work and the fact that he believes I am "brilliant," etc. etc. So, not only did he damage me completely emotionally, but now he's jeopardizing my future in a field that I've invested so much time and energy into. 

 

What the fuck do I do? I have 2 other recommenders who will write very strong letters for me. He was my third. I have been out of school for a year and can't just strike up a strong working relationship with other former professors; too late for that. 

 

Believe me, I wish I didn't even need his recommendation. I hate him so fucking much. But you know how this field is. My plan was to get into a good program, strike up an honest and healthy relationship with a new professor, and completely cut off all ties with former professor.

 

I'm really, really upset and freaking out about whether I should even pursue this road anymore, given that everything has become bound up with the horrific experience of knowing him. I hate being in this position right now. It's really fucking unfair. I'm probably too traumatized still. I intentionally took time off from school to try to get over all of this.

 

PS: I know I'm an idiot for getting involved in the first place, but I was young, dumb, and inexperienced, and the whole situation was complicated and deceitful. Please spare the judgment remarks.

Edited January 18, 2015 by tislbken

[snyegurachka]

That is super shitty, and I am so sorry. This is another one of those things that makes it so difficult to be a woman in academia. I don't think you need to give up because of this! I am guessing you are talking about applying next year because the application season is finished. I would suggest applying fellowships or research/writing residencies in your field and getting a recommendation from someone you work with there. Many of these application cycles are still open.

[Gvh]

Definitely don't give up - don't let some dick ruin your ambitions; if so, it will only foster greater resentment and regret later on. You can do it!

[queennight]

What the fuck do I do? I have 2 other recommenders who will write very strong letters for me. He was my third. I have been out of school for a year and can't just strike up a strong working relationship with other former professors; too late for that. 

 

Sorry about this situation. If I was in your position, I'd be asking myself:

 

1) If I ask him for a reference, what are the chances that he'll give me one/write me a strong letter?

 

2) Who else can I turn to?

 

Assuming that it was a bad break-up and question 1) has an answer of "He will most likely refuse/use this as emotional leverage over my wellbeing", the only thing that you can do is focus on other professors. Luckily, I think you're operating under the presumption that professors need hugely strong relationships to agree to write references -- which is not entirely true. If graduate school is your ultimate goal (and you need/want to apply next season of 2015-2016), I'd suggest starting to send off email queries to your old professors - mention that you used to take their class (even if you didn't know them particularly well), remind them of your grade/essay etc., and mention that you're interested in applying to graduate school and would like to get some advice about it. It's January - there's a perfect amount of time to schedule a coffee or drop in on office hours with a prof who you never strongly connected with earlier. Very few people will turn down (especially good professors) an opportunity to mentor or guide an old student. My advice would be to make the best of a rough situation: it's great that you've identified the problem (the relationship) - now, if your goal is to reach beyond that, you certainly have enough time before applications to remind an old professor of your face and to ask them for professional advice. Once you've established that coffee date/lunch/office hour meeting, it'll be easy to return to that person in August and ask them for a reference then. All you really need is that one coffee date connection to begin with.

 

In my opinion, this should be a strong option for you to consider. Will it be potentially awkward? Yes - but life is never smooth anyways. If you can start making the mentally difficult decision to stop focusing on your disgust of this professor's 'using you' and change towards the outlook of chasing your dreams, you'll be fine. Many other women (and men) have struggled with these same 'academic' relationships: success is the best revenge, and I hope you achieve that.

 

Best of luck!

[bsharpe269]

The above post lays out good options. I am also really sorry that you are dealing with this. It is completely inappropriate for a professor to have this sort of relationship with a student. You are not to blame and the decisions you made were no different than what most young women would make. Thats exactly why there are university regulations on the professor's end on this sort of thing.

 

Anyway do not let one asshole ruin your dream. Instead of thinking about giving up, you need to lay out a plan. The first question that needs to answered is whether you think you can use his recommendation. Do you think he will write a fair letter that keeps your professional and personal lives separate? Are you guys getting along well enough that you can discuss this with him and get an honest answer? If the answer is no then you can still pursue your dream, you just need to come up with a new plan.

 

If you already have 2 strong letters then I think having a 3rd neutral letter might be fine. I am sure you can find one. Can you think or of anyone who can write "she did well in my class" sort of letter? With a stellar application package otherwise, I don't think this will keep you out of good schools. If you don't have anyone who can do this or think you need someone more in the field or whatever then there are lots of ways to get this even though you have graduated. For example, go to a nearby conference in your field and try to make connections. Take an evening or summer class at a local college. Try to connect with professors at a local school without taking a class even. I think that most local professors would be completely open to you asking for a meeting and telling them that you are interested in pursuing a PhD and asking about volunteer/internship opportunities in the area to beef up your resume.

 

I hope you realize that you have TONS of options at this point. You seem (rightfully) upset by what happened. I think it is time for you to shift from that mindset to forming a plan on what steps you can take to achieve your goal.

[rising_star]

queennight has given you excellent advice! If you have two strong letters, then it's okay if your third one isn't an amazing one. All you really need is a rec letter from someone in your MA program that knew you. Perhaps you took a class of theirs or were their TA or something like that. One generic/average letter is not going to doom your application, especially if the other two are strong endorsements of you and your work.

[Cigarettes12]

Sorry, I'm not able to understand if you're saying that now the person won't write you a letter after you had the affair....something you could think about, if THEY instigated it for revenge you could try to tattle-tale the whole thing to some university official if they advanced or, maybe just for your personal pleasure tell the tale including the detail about the letter at the end to smear them and damage their chances of promotion because they're being so foul.