School choice-one near my significant other or one that I like better?

[brainnetwork]

hey guys! This thread might seem silly, but the conflict is eating me. I was accepted by both my dream school and my boyfriend's school. I have no doubt the research will be better at my dream school, the faculties and the student also seems really nice during the interview. My bf's institution is at a much better location, slightly lower on ranking (actually not significantly, still a great school and I feel 100% grateful to be accepted) but I have to say maybe not the greatest research fit. I'm sure I can still do great science there and my living condition will be much better living with him, but still I cannot painlessly say goodbye to my dream school. He really wants me to come. My PI thought my dream is a better/wiser choice. What's some of your inputs?
Thank you so much!! I appreciate any thoughts.

Edited March 3, 2015 by brainnetwork

[notsaxophones]

How much longer is he at his school? how far apart are the schools? I have to say from 4.5 years of first-hand experience, long distance relationships SUCK. Thankfully my fiancee will be able to move in with me when I go to grad school because he will be separating from the military and going to undergrad wherever i go. But you have to look at your situation: How long have you two been together? Could you survive the distance? Do you see yourselves having a long-term future together? I can't say which option is better for you but these are some things to think about. 

[nutellarain]

Are the schools close enough to easily see each other on weekends? How long have you been dating your boyfriend and do you see this decision as a "team" decision (like a married couple would decide things) or a completely personal one?

 

I actually have a similar problem! I was accepted to a school in a city that my boyfriend could easily transfer to with his job (they have another office there), but it is a much lower ranked school with less faculty I want to work with than my top choice. My boyfriend loves his job and I don't want to make him quit on my account. So tough to figure out what to do! 

Edited March 3, 2015 by nutellarain

[Vene]

What do you think will hurt you worse; going to a school other than your dream and breaking up or going to your dream school and wondering what could have been?

 

Personally, unless your boyfriend is "the one" I'd say go with your schooling.

 

Don't get me wrong, my SO's input was a huge part of why I am where I am now. However, I married her prior to attending grad school. Do you have a tested relationship that will stand the stresses of graduate school and time?

[expandyourmind]

oh please please please if this is your dream school than thats the answer. this is your decision about your future, so i would really do what is best for your education and what is the best fit. never compromise. i understand that its your significant other, but this is YOUR dream! 

if i would have chosen my significant other over my dream school, i would have ended up resenting him. we went through a long distance relationship over my master's but it was the best choice for my education and i never looked back. but i would really go for the dream school, a LDR isn't that bad (it might even give you more time to study and work on your thesis lol!)

[ilovelab]

To quote the awesome Christina Yang “Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. .... but he’s not the sun. You are.”

 

If this is your dream school, you should go for it.  You mention that the other school isn't the greatest research fit, that should play a big role in your decision. You have no idea about funding/PI Personalities/Lab environment till you are at the other school. Some of the PI's you like might actually be douches, they could loose grants and not be able to support you. If those are the PI's whose research you are interested in what will you do? Would you really be happy having to settle for a lab/mentor you are kind of interested in just to live with your bf?

[BiochemMom]

Pick the school. Relationships can be tenuous and no one knows what you'll be doing. I've been married for ten years, and separated for military duty and work for six (non consecutively) of those ten.

Try to think of it this way.

If you go to your dream school, and you maintain your relationship, he can join you when he finishes. If your relationship will last through marriage and the rest of your life, it can handle a short term separation (because in the grand scheme of things, 5 years is nothing even if it seems like forever at the time--it'll be gone in a blink)

If you go to your lesser choice school, and it works out--you'll be happy you're with your partner, and hopefully you won't resent him as you realize where you could be. It's very easy to build that resentment and hold the sacrifice over your partner's head even unknowingly (that you gave up your dream school for him so why can't he choose a certain post doc for you--or whatever). If it doesn't work out, you'll be at a school you don't love with research you don't love in a town with someone you're no longer with, wishing you had chosen thre other school.

Sometimes for a relationship to be healthy you have to invest in yourself, and be willing to also concurrently invest in your partner.

In 20 years, which would make you happier--a degree and all that comes with it from where you want to be or a degree from a lesser choice with lesser fit that might lead to lesser job choices/research post school? The relationship will work or not either way. It's totally doable to maintain through physical separation if you're both in it together.

If my daughter had to make the choice, I would tell her to choose her education and career first--but not to confuse that with what's the most important. Right now, my education takes time priority, but my family is still the most important thing for me. And my career will directly impact the quality of life I can offer my daughter, so getting the best choice for my education for me is the most important decision right now.

Good luck with your decision!

[ERR_Alpha]

Personally, I made the selfish decision choosing a graduate school. But for me and my long term boyfriend, my career is going to be the one setting the foundation for our future family. It really depends on how serious you are about each other, I suppose. My boyfriend did make the move with me. As he says, he's supporting me emotionally now so I can support him financially later it really is a personal decision, do whatever makes you happiest.

[ghostoverground]

I concur with everyone who has suggested choosing your top choice so that you don't resent your boyfriend down the line. This is more or less what my boyfriend and I have decided to do. 

[mockturtle]

Go for the school of better fit and quality. It's in your best interest, and wanting to be closer to you, aside, your s/o should want what's best for you too, at the end of the day.

(Also, the way I see it, if the relationship is worth it it should be able to withstand some temporary distance, right? Not that distance isn't rough even in the best relationship, I understand how hard this is, but you shouldn't be forced to choose between him and your dreams)

[poweredbycoldfusion]

I've done LDR for the past ~2 years while working as a tech, but that ends next year when grad school starts. I honestly couldn't imagine doing LDR for a significant portion of grad school, mostly because maintaining the relationship costs time AND money, both of which are going to be in short supply during grad school. Just some thoughts:

 

• Having an SO with a job who works in a specialized industry helped me narrow down my list of schools. There are some areas of the country where he would have a tougher time getting a job, so I didn't look at schools in those areas.
• You'll need to have big (scary?) talks about what you see for yourselves in the future. Preferably do this before you apply or even decide to start an LDR. We dated in the same city for a significant time before we did LDR. I knew LDR was worth the risk because I felt we were both (and are still going) in the same direction at people. He said 'I never want to live in X city', and I was like 'YES, me neither!' This is partly because we like the same things and tend to view areas/social scenes the same way.
• Because my SO is a young professional, the overall quality of the area where my school is located was of greater concern to him. A picky SO who only wants to live in one area or stay close to family could make applying to grad school stressful. (See: above point)
• A lot of single people (especially those just coming out of undergrad) are NOT going to understand why you are putting limitations on what schools you applied to. If you're serious about your SO (and are trying to move to a city together while you're in school), then there's a certain amount of ignoring people who think you're crazy for 'compromising' in anyway on your grad education.
• That said--go to a program where you can be the most successful! Don't apply to somewhere you hate because your SO pressured you into it.

[person5811]

hey guys! This thread might seem silly, but the conflict is eating me. I was accepted by both my dream school and my boyfriend's school. I have no doubt the research will be better at my dream school, the faculties and the student also seems really nice during the interview. My bf's institution is at a much better location, slightly lower on ranking (actually not significantly, still a great school and I feel 100% grateful to be accepted) but I have to say maybe not the greatest research fit. I'm sure I can still do great science there and my living condition will be much better living with him, but still I cannot painlessly say goodbye to my dream school. He really wants me to come. My PI thought my dream is a better/wiser choice. What's some of your inputs?

Thank you so much!! I appreciate any thoughts.

I don't want to be a downer, but have you considered that your relationship might end up not working out, regardless of whether you live in the same city or not? Here's what I'm thinking. People that are married end up getting a divorce like 50% of the time (and the percentage of non-marriage relationships that fail must be higher than that). On the other hand, really good PhD programs have something like a 90+% success/completion/attrition rate (that's what they told us at MIT and Harvard). So, I think it is reasonable to say that there is a pretty considerable chance things won't work out between you guys (regardless of where you live) aka failure, but a pretty high chance you will complete a PhD in your dream school aka success. So, just based on these silly stats, I think going to your dream school is the one with the highest likelihood of ending in success.

[MidwesternAloha]

I am married and my #1 priority is pursuing the program that will allow me to reach my dreams. Then again, it's something my husband and I discussed long ago. Ultimately, who are you living for? Could you live with the fact that you didn't choose the program you wanted most, years down the road? If your relationship is meant to be, it will find a way. There are ways to find time to see each other. Long distance relationships are a walk in the park nowadays, with Skype. Best of luck. Follow your heart.

[CarloGesualdo]

My partner and I take turns with major life choices.  

 

When we met, we were both about to head off to college.  We ended up different places, learned that we loved each other something awful but were terrible at doing the distance thing. So, my partner studied hard and transferred schools so that we could be together.  In return, when we graduated, I let my partner take the reigns in terms of where we'd end up next. My partner landed a prestigious fellowship through the CDC and matriculated to a Boston area institute to pursue a PhD.  I didn't have the resume to get into grad school right after undergrad, so I worked for two years in a lab where I was lucky enough to be given the autonomy to do independent research.  A patent, a couple pubs, and several conference abstracts later, I was admitted to my top choice program (also in the area) where I'll be working towards a PhD of my own starting this coming fall.  Although it hasn't always been easy, it's been eight years and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

I can't dispense any kind of wisdom pertinent to your situation, but I wanted to offer my own experience.  It's probably not a typical experience and it's just an n of 1, but I figured I'd put it out there in case it helps someone.

[rising_star]

I went to the school with the better research fit, which meant breaking up with the person I was dating at the end of my MA (I moved across the country for the PhD and neither of us wanted to have a LDR). I don't regret it because I wouldn't be wear I am now in terms of my scholarship and my career had I gone to the other school.

[brainnetwork]

GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all those suggestions/advice/experience-sharing!!

 

I am actually seriously thinking about this now-before starting this thread I am just trying to postpone the decision as much as I can and avoid the talk between me and my bf (sounds very childish I know).

 

Our situation is a little bit different...because 1) we are both international student; 2) we are gay and still in closet. Those two things together make me feel that it will be easier for both of us if we can just simply stay together. But just as some of you have said, I am starting to realize that this is probably not the way things work. As international students we need to fight together, but each towards my or his own career goal, so that we can ultimately stay in this country, where we can have equal rights and actually get married. I have come a long way to get where I am now, so probably shouldn't give up so easily.

 

So I will definitely talk to him when I can meet him in person, and make a team decision as soon as possible.

 

Thank you all again for your kind advice! I would still appreciate further discussion/ideas. It looks like this is a common issue so I hope this thread can help other people with their decision as well!

Edited March 4, 2015 by brainnetwork

[expandyourmind]

GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all those suggestions/advice/experience-sharing!!

 

 

best of luck brainnetwork! i'm sending good vibes your way and hope everything works out. this time is always stressful so let me know if you need to vent - feel free to PM me if you need to talk about your choice

[velli]

GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all those suggestions/advice/experience-sharing!!

 

I am actually seriously thinking about this now-before starting this thread I am just trying to postpone the decision as much as I can and avoid the talk between me and my bf (sounds very childish I know).

 

Our situation is a little bit different...because 1) we are both international student; 2) we are gay and still in closet. Those two things together make me feel that it will be easier for both of us if we can just simply stay together. But just as some of you have said, I am starting to realize that this is probably not the way things work. As international students we need to fight together, but each towards my or his own career goal, so that we can ultimately stay in this country, where we can have equal rights and actually get married. I have come a long way to get where I am now, so probably shouldn't give up so easily.

 

So I will definitely talk to him when I can meet him in person, and make a team decision as soon as possible.

 

Thank you all again for your kind advice! I would still appreciate further discussion/ideas. It looks like this is a common issue so I hope this thread can help other people with their decision as well!

 

This is beautiful. I wish you the best of luck. It's never the wrong decision to pursue happiness.