getting closure

[serenade]

To make a long story short, I had a falling out with my advisor eight months ago. Things have improved since then, but not completely. Today I had to see him one last time so he could sign my thesis paperwork before I graduate. He seemed indifferent to the fact that, regardless of all that happened, this was the end of a multiple year advisor/advisee relationship. I hear of so many people exchanging gifts with their advisor, hearing their advisor tell them how proud they are of them, etc. at the end of the relationship. I got a handshake and a "good luck." My advisor isn't even showing up at graduation to hood me. This relationship has cost me more sleepless nights and depression than I ever imagined, and his indifference seems like the final blow, nor do I felt like it provided closure. 

 

I know there aren't any solutions to "fix" the problem but just curious if anyone has had any similar experiences? 

[scarvesandcardigans]

I haven't had any similar experiences, but I just want to say that I'm really sorry that it happened to you. I hope that maybe in the future if you have any communication or interaction, that it is improved still. My only thing I can think of is that his thoughts may be along the lines of, "It's just another student, I'll see more in my lifetime" so he's trying to shake it off. I'm in no way giving the benefit of the doubt, though. That would be a terrible way for anyone to think.  How you feel and react show a lot about you, and that you really care about the relationship. But it happens, and all I can say is that I wish YOU all the success you can find in the future. 

[St Andrews Lynx]

Write a long & detailed letter to your advisor telling him how he made you feel, cataloguing all your frustrations and all his failings...then burn the letter. 

 

Another (additional) option is to send them an email or write a nice card thanking them sincerely for their support and assistance in completing the program. Short, sweet, lying through your teeth if necessary. Give them a small gift (maybe a Starbucks gift card or something under $40 that they would appreciate). Sometimes killing 'em with kindness is the best way to get release, or maybe reaching out with a bit forgiveness will help your ex-advisor thaw and perhaps even volunteer an apology. It certainly won't do you any good to hold on to the bitterness and anger.

[bsharpe269]

I'm sorry that your relationship with your advisor hasn't been the best. It looks like you are graduating from your masters degree? I am also graduating with my MS in a couple weeks.

 

My relationship with my advisor is absolutely terrific but he can also be very cold and indifferent. I think that this is probably a normal complaint among students and isn't worth having hurt feelings over. In many ways my advisor is terrific... He has been a wonderful mentor, he really leaves me to be independent (which I really like) so I only chat with him once every few weeks but he is there for me asap when I really needed him (a harassment issue with another student for example). Despite this, he is very cold to me... more so than to other students. I do terrific work for him and though he is cold to my face, he tells other students/professors things like that I am the best student he has ever had so I don't think its an issue of him disliking me. I'm not sure if the coldness happens because I love being given Independence in my work and he picks up on that or maybe because I am a woman in a very male dominated field and he wants to be completely professional (I'm probably one of his first female students). Who knows...

 

Anyway, my advisor will not be at my graduation. In fact, I didn't know that he would be out of town for it until the undergrad who works for me needed to arrange a meeting with him and he said he would be gone around that time. He still hasn't mentioned it to me (the conflict probably hasn't crossed his mind)... I would say this sort of stuff is fairly normal in the academic world. Our advisors have busy lives, families, hobbies, etc and can't schedule their lives around their students schedules. Your advisor many not have any idea that this means a lot to you! It is certainly reasonable for you to wish he/she was there but it is equally reasonable for him to prioritize his own life. I would try really hard not to take this personally. It looks like you are entering into a PhD program in the fall? I would just focus on maintaining good connections with your current advisor if possible (the gift idea is great) and build a terrific relationship with your PhD advisor. Did you see that other person's post that their advisor wouldn't read their thesis or let them graduate? sheesh... at least you're not in his position!

Edited May 1, 2015 by bsharpe269

[TMP]

That sounds rough.  I went through *somewhat* a similar thing though it was more of my doing.  Some folks just aren't openly warm to their students and it takes time for them to come around.  It also depends on the culture of your master's program.

 

I agree with the above comments though I'd be more inclined to give a handwritten note, which shows more thought and effort.