Issues with Significant Others during Grad School?

[girlseekingphd]

This is long-winded but I need to talk to someone or I think I'm going to burst into tears.

So I've been married a little over three years. Just started my first year of grad school. We recently moved across the country to a new state for this purpose. I knew there would be tension. I was especially concerned about the idea of my husband making such a radical change for me but we're both young and newly graduated so we didn't have a home or long-time careers to be uprooted from. He said he was excited about the move and wanted to do this.

I know this is a stressful time. I'm getting through orientation and feeling like my head is absolutely spinning. I alternate between feeling completely thrilled, exhausted, and nauseous. I don't know how I'm going to do everything we're expected to do.

On top of that, we were just informed that the university has changed its policy and will be withdrawing our graduate fees (the ones not included in our tuition waiver) from our monthly stipends. In addition, we don't receive our first paycheck until the end of October. That means that while my small loan I got to off-set any extra costs for books or health insurance will eventually cover the expenses, I'm going to be potentially $200 or more short budget-wise monthly.

My husband has applied so many places. Everything from fast food to retail to service industry to his own field, theatre. He has a bachelor's degree and what seems like a decent resume for his age. The state economy is horrible and it's hard to find anyone hiring. I just feel like no one will give him a chance! I know there's a lot of pressure on him to get a job and I've tried to encourage him to be patient and persistent. He's always worked hard and I know it's hard for him to just sit at home.

To make matters worse, he has a medical condition that needs attention but my health insurance through the university is making it difficult for me to find a provider. Because he's not a student, but a dependent, they won't treat him on campus. GRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr...

But today, I came home from the longest, scariest day of school, yet, and the dishes he said he was going to wash were still in the sink, the living room was messy, and he hadn't applied for any more listings the way he said he would. I asked him to mail a bill payment. He didn't.

On the one hand, I totally understand his stress. On the other, no one is holding my hand in my cohort. As bad as this sounds, I don't have time to hold his. This is definitely a rant and I'm sorry. I just need some insight. Any other graduate students going through this with a significant other? The weird pressure and tension? Money problems? Employment? Fighting?

[Minnesotan]

My gf and I are in grad school together, and so far I've learned that only two things will make it easier: time and patience. Carve out a little no work, no argument time each night, no matter how busy you are. Play a board game or something equally nerdy. And be patient with each other. You're both going to have a lot of stress until you get settled in again.

[kahlan_amnell]

On the one hand, I totally understand his stress. On the other, no one is holding my hand in my cohort. As bad as this sounds, I don't have time to hold his. This is definitely a rant and I'm sorry. I just need some insight. Any other graduate students going through this with a significant other? The weird pressure and tension? Money problems? Employment? Fighting?

I'm sorry but what you said there came off as really insensitive.

Being in a relationship is about supporting each other. So you significant other had a bad day and didn't get what he said he was was going to done. This happens. You should support him, assuming that he does the same when you've had a bad day. You're both under a lot of stress and are going to need to be patient and supportive.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say that you told your s.o. that you'd have dinner ready when he got home, but that @#$(%^ homework set was such a pain that you didn't notice the time slipping by until you heard him opening the door. Don't you wish he'd cut you a little slack? Well, do the same for him.

Remind him--gently--that you'd been counting on him to do the dishes. Tell him you're sure he forgot because he had other things on his mind, but ask him--now that you've reminded him--if he could do them now.

Things NEVER work out the way you want them to. That's the way it goes. My husband of 19 years promised to move out here with me. He also promised to be in charge of packing and moving the family, and he said he'd really like us all to move at the same time. But...here I am, in Colorado, and he's still in California. I have to fly back on weekends to see my kids. It sucks. But he's not being slow for malicious reasons; he just didn't realize what he was getting himself into. He's cut me slack in the past, and I try to go easy on him now.

Forgiveness is essential if you want your marriage to last.

[JerryLandis]

I don't really think that what you said was insensitive. Last year my boyfriend moved in with me for a semester. I had never agreed to this, but he had nowhere else to go so I had to give him space at mine. He had also moved a long distance to be with me, so he was looking for jobs - anything that paid. Despite this apparent desperation he didn't start applying for any jobs until after he had been living with me for over a month. All he did was play video games all day, while I did my full load of coursework, cooked all our meals, did all the dishes, absolutely all the housework (I should also mention that I had a roommate at the time, who never cooked or did any housework either, so I basically had 2 dependents, and I paid for ALL of the food). When he finally did get around to applying for jobs, he was picky and would only apply to certain places. He finally did find part-time work, at the end of the semester.

The whole situation was extremely difficult for me, because I would have been very stressed from coursework anyways, even had none of these problems occurred. On the one hand, I understood that he was going through something very difficult, because the economy is making it almost impossible to find a job, and because he had moved to my small university town just to be with me (he had graduated from this university a year earlier). I know that anyone having trouble finding a job, or deciding what to do with their life, is going to end up being very depressed and probably quite inactive as a result. He was very unfortunate to graduate at a time of economic collapse. While I understood this, I also thought that it was unfair for me to have to deal with all the consequences of his problems on my own. I paid for everything - food, rent, bills, and as I said before I would come home from a day of classes, serve him dinner while he played his video games (!) and then cleaned everything up before retiring to my room to do homework. On top of that, he wanted me to look for jobs with him, when I nagged at him about seeking employment instead of sitting at home doing nothing all day. We were both miserable. I was a stressed-out, sobbing mess all semester long, and he suffered a huge loss of self-confidence. It was a serious drain on our relationship because we both really started to resent each other.

The next school year, he expected that he would be able to live with me and my roommate again. He promised to be better about helping out around the house and all that, but I knew that this would not be the case. I had to tell him that he could not move back in. It was very difficult for me, especially since I really did like having him around when I wasn't taking care of him, and genuinely did want to live with him. He was very hurt by me telling him all this, BUT I can say that everything is fine now. We don't live together this year, but we see each other all the time and he is doing very well for himself. Hardly spends any time playing video games!

My conclusion from this is that what was needed was NOT for me to nag at him all the time about how he was being lazy and how living with him made me depressed, etc. (which I knew was a bad thing to do all along, but ranting becomes necessary sometimes for the sake of personal sanity!). The solution was to explain exactly what the problem was and force him to take care of it himself. When faced with a more drastic and immediate situation, he realized the gravity of his situation and took care of the problem. Months of living comfortably with me had given him the opportunity to ignore his problems and do nothing to solve them. Now, I know that this approach would not work exactly the same way for you because you are married and clearly have a higher level of commitment, and also because you said that your husband actually is actively looking for work. However, I think the overall point of how to approach the problem is probably pretty universal. Nagging and venting stress at him (no matter how justified it may seem) will only make the problem worse because it will make him feel worthless, and less capable of improving his situation.

As for funding, do you not have some kind of a written contract with your department guaranteeing certain funding and procedures? It seems very suspicious of them to change the agreement after you have already started your course.

[Jenny18]

Man, let me just say, I'm five years into it with masters done and some of PhD done (both thesis tracks, both science). It's damn hard and it's damn harder being in a relationship when you are stressed out. There is no 'nagging' or whatever if you've come home to find a sink full of dirty dishes and your sig other has been home all day. Come on people. You've been on your feet for 8 hr+ at the bench, no breaks, you're so stressed (and you'd better hope not all your weeks are like this or you are doing something wrong but SOMETIMES you will have a week like this). I see a lot posts where new grad students are like 'classes, classes' or they are in 'grad school' as econ. This is not the same as driving yourself hard doing lab research day in day out. Now, can this get out of balance? Most definitely. My partner and I just had a major fight/s this past week-I worked myself too hard coming home late each night, gone all day, he was working or not but chores weren't getting done. The dishes had been in the week for seriously a week or more, laundrey was backing up, there was stuff everywhere (ok, there is still stuff everywhere). I just had no energy and I wasn't sleeping well. Getting your PhD is great BUT not if it costs your relationship. However, this being said, there are negotiations/communications/working together. I heard some people taking the tone earlier of 'support your man'. That's great but if you're in graduate school, you also need support-this is not the 1950's. There is no silent sighing enduring woman (or man) who does the dishes each night while the other rests. I am glad we did fight actually b/c it got us talking about a chore chart where each of us switch off on different things around the house so I'm not coming home from lab and getting right to work in the house and he's not having to do all of it either. Talk! Talk! Then take action. Grad school and relationships are great! I've been so glad to come home to my partner or vise-versa and am feeling much more balanced in many ways when in this relationship. There will be some bad days/weeks (it'd best not be any longer than a week though-geez!)-that's life. Don't ignore those times-talk about them. This past week was both our faults-even though I felt out of control about my experiments and when I was or wasn't in lab, I was. I made the choice to run too many experiments at once and I wasn't the only one who paid for that (it's not worth it in retrospect, try and pace yourself as best you can!). Well, anyway, good luck!

I don't really think that what you said was insensitive. Last year my boyfriend moved in with me for a semester. I had never agreed to this, but he had nowhere else to go so I had to give him space at mine. He had also moved a long distance to be with me, so he was looking for jobs - anything that paid. Despite this apparent desperation he didn't start applying for any jobs until after he had been living with me for over a month. All he did was play video games all day, while I did my full load of coursework, cooked all our meals, did all the dishes, absolutely all the housework (I should also mention that I had a roommate at the time, who never cooked or did any housework either, so I basically had 2 dependents, and I paid for ALL of the food). When he finally did get around to applying for jobs, he was picky and would only apply to certain places. He finally did find part-time work, at the end of the semester.

The whole situation was extremely difficult for me, because I would have been very stressed from coursework anyways, even had none of these problems occurred. On the one hand, I understood that he was going through something very difficult, because the economy is making it almost impossible to find a job, and because he had moved to my small university town just to be with me (he had graduated from this university a year earlier). I know that anyone having trouble finding a job, or deciding what to do with their life, is going to end up being very depressed and probably quite inactive as a result. He was very unfortunate to graduate at a time of economic collapse. While I understood this, I also thought that it was unfair for me to have to deal with all the consequences of his problems on my own. I paid for everything - food, rent, bills, and as I said before I would come home from a day of classes, serve him dinner while he played his video games (!) and then cleaned everything up before retiring to my room to do homework. On top of that, he wanted me to look for jobs with him, when I nagged at him about seeking employment instead of sitting at home doing nothing all day. We were both miserable. I was a stressed-out, sobbing mess all semester long, and he suffered a huge loss of self-confidence. It was a serious drain on our relationship because we both really started to resent each other.

The next school year, he expected that he would be able to live with me and my roommate again. He promised to be better about helping out around the house and all that, but I knew that this would not be the case. I had to tell him that he could not move back in. It was very difficult for me, especially since I really did like having him around when I wasn't taking care of him, and genuinely did want to live with him. He was very hurt by me telling him all this, BUT I can say that everything is fine now. We don't live together this year, but we see each other all the time and he is doing very well for himself. Hardly spends any time playing video games!

My conclusion from this is that what was needed was NOT for me to nag at him all the time about how he was being lazy and how living with him made me depressed, etc. (which I knew was a bad thing to do all along, but ranting becomes necessary sometimes for the sake of personal sanity!). The solution was to explain exactly what the problem was and force him to take care of it himself. When faced with a more drastic and immediate situation, he realized the gravity of his situation and took care of the problem. Months of living comfortably with me had given him the opportunity to ignore his problems and do nothing to solve them. Now, I know that this approach would not work exactly the same way for you because you are married and clearly have a higher level of commitment, and also because you said that your husband actually is actively looking for work. However, I think the overall point of how to

[starmaker]

But today, I came home from the longest, scariest day of school, yet, and the dishes he said he was going to wash were still in the sink, the living room was messy, and he hadn't applied for any more listings the way he said he would. I asked him to mail a bill payment. He didn't.

On the one hand, I totally understand his stress. On the other, no one is holding my hand in my cohort. As bad as this sounds, I don't have time to hold his.

Yeah, nobody's holding your hand in your cohort, but you're in an entirely different situation. Even though it's stressful at times, you're doing something that you wanted to do, making progress in your career, accomplishing things. He's stuck. It's a different kind of stress (I've experienced both, and my husband has experienced both).

That's not to say that he gets a free pass. He should pull his weight when it comes to the housework. But, people sometimes have days where they are just demoralized and unmotivated. Does he consistently fail to do household obligations, or is this just an occasional thing? In neither case will it help to fuss at him, but if it's the former, it might be time for a long, firm-but-gentle, two-way, talk (if it's the latter, you can probably just ask him to do the dishes once you are home, and otherwise let it go).

If he's not getting any bites, I can see why he's not applying to more listings. He probably figures that it's crazy to keep doing the same thing that doesn't work, over and over, and expect a different result. It might help him - both in terms of getting a job and improving his morale - if he reorganized his search. He could apply for unpaid internships or other volunteer work, which might be less competitive, in the hope of turning it into a paid job in a couple of months. He could go do a vocational training course in a field that has at least some demand in your area (e.g. EMT, lifeguard, HVAC technician, certified nursing assistant). Some of them don't take long, and it would put him in a position to be able to earn money in a few months. He could try freelancing as a tutor (unfortunately this wouldn't get him health insurance but it would at least get him money).

[Eigen]

Woah! Talk about reviving a dead thread :-D

On the topic at hand: I've been married 5 years, and my wife is a year and a half behind me in grad school- it was a very different kind of stress for each of us when I was in school and she wasn't. As Starmaker mentioned, when you're in school at least you have a routine and pattern and purpose- we're both a lot busier now, but we have a lot more to share- we have the same kinds of stress, the same time commitments, etc.

[ktel]

I'm worried about the move putting strain on my relationship as well. I'm leaving my whole family, all my friends and my rugby team to move to go to the grad school that is in his city (it's also the best, so not like the choice was hard to make). I'm concerned that without my own support system already there I'll have to rely on him all the time, which is fine, but he works a lot. So if he's not available and I'm just sitting at home knowing nobody it could be tough. But I am joining the varsity rugby team when I get there (hopefully, I still have to try out, but my chances are good) so that will instantly give me a group of 30 girls that I will know. His mom will probably want me to hang out with her all the time, but she's a very selfish/self-centered individual, so spending time with her is not really enjoyable. I had contemplated moving with him at the beginning of May, but that would have been a recipe for disaster, as he would have been working non-stop and I would have known nobody. Instead I get one last season with my team and a summer with my family and friends.

[ktel]

Yeah it's been nice spending time with my family. All of my friends are from rugby. I am going to be SO SAD to leave this rugby community. Some of the "old boys" have known me since I was a baby. I'm going to miss going to the rugby club and knowing EVERYBODY. The good thing about rugby though, is it's a great way to make friends. When I was in Germany I found a men's team to play on (sadly there was no women's team), and instantly had 20 friends in my town, all who treated me like a daughter/sister.

He came to Edmonton for university and that's where we met. Even though he was born in Edmonton and lived here when he was younger he spent most of his life in Toronto and that's where his parents live. So when he graduated in April he went to a full-time job in Toronto. I looked a little bit for a summer job in Toronto, but decided to stay and work in Edmonton for the summer.

Edited July 6, 2011 by ktel

[Agradatudent]

Ah, grad school married stress! Yay! Seriously though, is the OP still around? I doubt it. Anyway, My wife and I are about to move out of state for my grad school and it has been REALLY tough. Igot a good school and feel like I deserve to go, but she was worried about leaving family, job, making money etc. I am just not a worryer AT ALL, and she tries to worry enough for the both of us! So it's tough. Now that the money part and her job/my TA is semi-worked out, it's a lot easier. But we still have to make the move and do this in a new state with no family or old friends. Tough tough tough.

I'm in somewhat of the same place, as I'm moving with my GF to a new city away from all family and friends, but it turned out two of our friends are moving there also for a separate reasons which is a nice bonus. I'm excited to be rid of the friends in this area... so maybe I'm just antisocial? haha