Need advice or thoughts on a roommate situation

[scguy59]

I currently rent a room at a house owned by a friend of mine. It has almost been 3 years since I have been at this house and am just fed up with being around him and the way he behaves. Keep in mind, I am only staying because of the rent, which is at an affordable price for me right now. He is anal-retentive about everything. While it is his house, he has to CONTROL everything. He sets the air conditioner to 78 degrees to save on energy costs (if you turn it down 1 degree because you are sweating and can’t sleep, he will move it back ASAP). He is very passive aggressive. If he has “business” to handle with you (complaint about something I did or am doing, etc.), he will send you a text message during the day at work instead of confronting you.

 

He constantly needs attention. If he had it his way, all roommates would eat dinner together every night. Then, you all have to sit in the living room together and watch TV. Of course, he has the remote and you watch what he wants to. On the weekends, he would say “OK guys, what are we going to do for activities this weekend?”. Anytime you hang out with him, he’s trying to plan, control, dictate what you all are going to do the following day (rather than just relax and enjoy the present). It seems the more time you spend around him, the more he tries to “get” from you. I can’t explain it, but it’s hard to relax around him and be yourself. Early on, I would go out on the weekends and go to bars and stuff like normal young guys do, but even there you can’t relax because he has to plan out the entire evening. Everything has to have rigid structure and the night has to be planned out in a way to be most cost efficient. It’s normal to watch money and be responsible, but he’s anal retentive. Anytime you want to do something, you will hear, “that’s a waste of money” or that’s “not needed”, “not necessary”, and he won’t budge on anything. When I say anytime you want to do “something”, let me give you an idea. One Friday night we were going to go downtown to get some beers and prior to going out, I went for a drive to the ATM to get some cash and stuff. Once I got home, I find him on the front porch sitting there pouting like a little baby because “I didn’t tell him where I was going” and he thought I “left without him”. Once I tell him I just went to get some cash, he then gets upset because my driving to the ATM was a waste of time and gas, because I “could have driven us downtown and gotten cash from the ATM on our way to the bar” (i.e. he wants me to drive so we don’t have to pay for a cab, which was my reason for going to the ATM). I just wanted to give this story to give an idea of what he is like.

 

Since I have moved in, there have been two other roommates that have come and gone over the course of 2 years. They both left because they couldn’t stand dealing with him. Keep in mind these were both friends of his that moved in and then left. He likes to get friends to move in because he thinks then he will have someone to “play” with every day and do everything with. It’s like I live with a chaperone who monitors everything I do. The other day, I came home through the back door to avoid having to see him. A few minutes later, I look up at my bedroom door (which was cracked) and I can see him standing at the door through the crack trying to see into my room to tell if I was home. He’s just a creepy, anal-retentive wet-blanket. If you hang out with him and go along with the flow of what he wants to do, he’s an outgoing and sociable person to be around, but you get to a point where you just cant stand him anymore. Once you remove yourself from his cycle (the cycle of: you plan all meals together and eat together, hang out in the living room together every night….do everything together). Once you exit that and keep to your own life, he becomes closed down, rigid, quiet, passive aggressive, etc. The air just feels THICK and I feel stressed just being in the house with him in the other room. I have lived in many different apartments and dorms over the years with many different people and never experienced anything like him before. No matter the day, everytime you come home, he is there camped out on the couch as if he is “waiting for you to get home so he has someone to do something with”. He’s gotta have all or nothing when it comes to being around him. If I’m spending the evening in my room watching a movie and go to the kitchen to get some water, he’s not interested in small talk and doesn’t act normal. But, if you hang out in the living room with him, you end up either having to accept his invitation and plans for the rest of that day, or you have to say no and then go back to the quiet anal-retentive stressed atmosphere. Its so weird to me and I don’t know what it is. You have to be his buddy and do everything together all the time, or its like a switch flips, and he is back to the catatonic, quiet, big baby on the couch who will do nothing but talk to his mom on the phone. I just wish I could have friend over every so often and chill in the living room without him being around or somehow have a normal life living there. I would appreciate any advice or recommendations people may have. I really don’t know what I’m dealing with here or if this is normal or ever been heard of before.

 

I know this is an outrageously long entry, but I just needed to get out all of this crap because I have never let another person evaluate the situation to get third person feedback. Past roommates don't want to discuss it so I am kinda on my own. Any thoughts and advice is appreciated (or if you have an idea what might be wrong with this guy mentally I'd like to hear b/c I can't figure it out). I know I must sound like the one with the mental problems here (forgive me for the rant), but I am just a typical 3rd year PhD student who wants to try to enjoy what little free time I have (as you all can relate).

Edited June 26, 2015 by scguy59

[rising_star]

Find a new place to live and move as soon as you can.

[TakeruK]

Agreed with rising_star--find another place that has affordable rent or at least rent low enough that you are willing to pay to get your peace of mind / free time back. 

[peachypie]

I don't know what your post really wants to achieve, you want people to validate your complaints?  My thoughts are this, you either put up with it for the cheaper cost of living that you BENEFIT from or you move out.  Those are the two things you can control in this situation.  It sounds to me like you are fed up with the situation, so go ahead and find a new place.

I don't think your roommate has any mental issues, nor do I think you need to spend any time figuring it out.  I don't know how you call yourself his friend when you do nothing but demean him ("big baby", anal-retentive) you didn't say one nice thing about the guy in your whole lengthy post other than that he can be social/outgoing when you do what he wants (i.e. passive-aggressive compliments).

 

What I read here is someone who wants the beauty of the low cost of rent but hates the person providing it for him.  It is his house, so if you want the situation to change your only option is to leave or attempt to have a conversation with him about it to make things work for you.  But in all honesty it doesn't sound like you like this person so much so I don't know why you'd want to try to make it work.

[scguy59]

I guess you are right. Leaving is the only option. Maybe he isn't much a friend of mine anymore. I just didn't know if this was a situation that could be improved or if it's just a "deal with it or leave" scenario. By the way, I have been in low rent situations with perfectly normal people- it's not too much to ask for. My post was, let's face it, a rant. If it really bothered you so much Miss Peachypie, then why bother reading/replying?

[scguy59]

Ok I will say something nice about him Peachypie: one time I ran out of toilet paper and he let me borrow a roll. Also, anal-retentiveness is a behavioral characterization, it is not me trying to personally attack him or be a bad friend. I'm just reporting the facts of the matter. In any case, thank you all for your feedback. I appreciate your time!

Edited June 26, 2015 by scguy59

[Rose Tyler]

It sounds to me like he needs a therapist. I'm not saying there's anything mentally wrong with him but he sounds codependent to the max, and I say that as someone who once lived with a codependent roommate. Our relationship was a lot like the one you describe: she wanted to do everything with me, would use "we" when talking about activities and invitations, if I didn't want to go somewhere then she didn't go either, didn't hang out with anyone besides me, would panic when she didn't know where I was, there was always an air of tension in the room.

 

The way, I see it you have three options:

 

A. Move out.

 

B. Deal with it. Particularly the temperature thing and him choosing what to watch on TV. It's his house and, I assume, his TV. If it's too hot for you, buy a fan.

 

C. Confront him about his behaviors and see if he makes any change. Set boundaries. Tell him you don't mind hanging out with him but you don't want to do it all the time. That you feel he's dependent on you. That you're an adult who can handle your own finances.

Edited June 27, 2015 by Rose Tyler

[scguy59]

Expresso Shot: Thank you for your response. That is all very great advice. Many thanks!

[juilletmercredi]

You have two choices: you can move out and try to find another affordable place, or you can stay. If you stay, you can change some things probably, but you will still have to put up with him.

 

If you do stay, there are ways to deal with the roommate issue, but how effective they are really depends on your deployment of them and how annoying they are:

 

1. When he tries to plan/control/dictate what you are going to do the next day, tell him clearly and directly that you don't want to talk about the next day, you just want to enjoy what's going on right now.

2. Minimize the number of times you go out with him. Beg off or say that you have other plans or studying to do.

3. If he closes down and gets rigid because you won't hang out with him constantly, ignore him. Continue about your life as if you don't notice. He gets that way because he wants you to notice and feel awkward so that you break down and hang out with him again. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

You also sound like you have a little bit of "bitch eating crackers." By that, I mean that this guy is already on your bad side, so every thing he does is going to irritate you, even the way he eats his crackers. I think you're going to have to step back and try to take a more neutral approach if you don't want to move - remind yourself that he's irritating and that colors the way that you see him, and then try to view him from a more objective standpoint.

[scguy59]

Cup o' Joe- I really appreciate your advice and insight. I definitely will try to see if I can improve the situation. Thanks for your time!