Family Members not supportive?

[IT_Girl_25]

Anybody else have that one family member that is really negative about you pursuing higher education? I purposely did not tell my grandmother who I currently live with that I was about to start grad school next month. She found out on Facebook and comes to me and says " I saw that you had started school on facebook." I reply " No,not really I'm just taking some graduate classes." Her response is " Oh, so you want to jump in some more debt?"

 

I turned around in my seat and didn't respond to her. Anyone else have an anti-education person in your life that you can't escape? How do you deal with them? My grandmother had a problem with me getting my Bachelors and now she has a problem with me getting my Masters. I will be the first one in our family I feel like they should be more supportive. 

[dr. t]

I had a friend whose mother told them the day they graduated from Harvard was the worst day of her life, because now they would never be a good wife to a decent man. Family can really be shit sometimes.

In my own experience, active assertion of your independence has the best results - either they come over to your side of things or they end up leaving you alone on way or another. You don't have to seek out confrontation, but don't do the soft sell when it finds you. "Yeah, I'm in school for X. No, my personal finances aren't much of your business."

[hippyscientist]

Yep my dad has hated everything about my decision to pursue a MSc in the UK and a PhD abroad. He thinks I'm delaying the inevitable, that I'm showing how lazy and averted to work I am and how childish I am for not wanting to leave school. I've tried to explain that this is a career path, that I won't be lounging around in bed on Netflix at 1pm every day, that I will be working hard and getting paid (borderline finances I know, but I really don't live an extravagant lifestyle). He refuses to accept the fact that this is a good decision for me and my decision has become a constant source of arguments.

I eventually spoke to my dad's best friend who is also trained as a therapist, and he has since conversed with my dad. He's not on board, per se, but is definitely giving me less of a hard time. I think part of it is my dad got kicked out of university at undergrad, and so I was the first to graduate in my family and he feels jealous. Ehh who knows. It bugs me that I can't celebrate with him - I just got a major major scholarship for my MSc but if I told him that they were paying my fees he'd tell me that I was a spoilt rich kid (when nothing could be further from the truth) - but I have also accepted that half his issue with this decision is his own insecurities. I'm an adult and I'm living my life, not his.

Also my gran hasn't got a clue. "A DOP (doctor of philosophy) is just what doctors need to work in a hospital to talk to people right? I thought you didn't want to talk about mental disorders" oh gran, I love her, but she's utterly clueless!

[ExponentialDecay]

How you deal depends on whether your grandma is ignorant or toxic. If she doesn't understand how school works/you haven't been updating her on your life, then it may make sense to talk her through your decisions/plans (most people don't know how to express their emotions in a healthy way, aka don't mature past adolescence, so I meet a lot of people who seem confrontational but are actually scared/hurt, and soothing them helps them return to reason). If she's a toxic person, she's basically intent on ruining your life, so the only way to fix this situation is to tell her to go fuck herself. The latter method is a very important life skill, especially in academia.

[Dr. Old Bill]

I'll just say that there's a reason why I didn't go back to school until I was in my 30s. Family ignorance / disdain can be hard to overcome.

@Piglet33's comments (the first paragraph in particular) ring true for me as well. Sometimes parents just don't get it, and that manifests as judgment and scorn. It's not fair, and it's often downright detrimental, but it exists, and sometimes we just have to cut them out of our lives to some extent to make what we want to happen, happen.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Wyatt's Torch

[hippyscientist]

I'd like to add that as tough as it is not to have family member's support, at the end of the day it's your life, your career and your choice to go to grad school. Many of us do it without family finances and at the end of the day we're adults. What Exponential Decay said about how to talk to people when they disagree with our opinions is true - no one will take you seriously if you're stamping your feet, just as we don't take our detractor's seriously when they behave childishly.

The best outcome is that no one falls out over your decision to go to grad school. Sometimes easier said than done, but don't let family opinions stop you if it's truly best for you. 

[TakeruK]

It was also hard for my parents to understand and support my decision. But this was mostly due to ignorance and explaining how academia works and how graduate "school" is really more like an apprenticeship/entry level position, and some time, they eventually understood and now are great supporters. My parents are refugee immigrants that gave up a lot so that their children can be raised in Canada and go to school and get a good job so I understand that they were worried how after all these years, one of their children finally got a degree but is still not working?! 

After reading about some of the toxic family members in this thread and previous GradCafe threads, I feel very lucky to have such supportive parents. It took awhile to convince them but it is nice to have them on your side. Although they said they supported me when I started my MSc, I don't think they were really fully on board until about a year or so into my program, so for some of you, it might take a little while! I hope your family members will come around. Try your best to understand their point of view and to educate them if it's just ignorance. But I agree with the above that if you have toxic family members, don't let them stop you from doing what's best for you!

[IT_Girl_25]

My grandmother just doesn't understand why Black people would want to educate themselves. She did go to beautician school but she didn't have the guts to practice and instead ended up doing work like nurse aid , janitorial work & factory work.  So I think its a mixture of her fears for herself crossing over to me like maybe she thinks I will fail or it will make it harder for me to get employed in my field. She also doesn't understand computers at all and I'm going into an IT program. I really don't think its specifically to hurt me though it does hurt . Thanks everyone for the comments.

[kosmo]

I can relate to this - I've got two aunts (my mom's sisters) who're close to our family, but who are extremely unsupportive when it comes to my pursuing higher education. They think I'm in it for my personal 'fame and glory', when I could've just settled down and found a 'normal job' and take up the family's financial burden. I already help pay my family's mortgage, so I don't know where they're coming from. They keep telling my mom what a horrible daughter I am. 

It hurts, yes, especially when this is a major goal in our lives - one that at least gives us some meaning. Echoing the posters above, I guess in the end we just have to accept that not everyone will applaud our approve our life choices, and even those close to us, who know us reasonably well, can make mistakes sometimes. But that can't and won't stop us from doing what we truly believe is worthwhile! 

[drownsoda]

This strikes me as really odd because all of the people I've known who had an unsupportive parent-type situation had an unsupportive parent who wanted them to go to school when the son/daughter didn't want to. I don't know if I've ever actually met somebody who is fervently anti-education.  

Will you be living with your grandma during graduate school? That may cause some problems if she's going to be that dismissive of the whole thing. As far as what ExponentialDecay said, the only way to really come up against that is to basically tell her to F off, which I don't think is exactly a great thing to say to your grandparent, but you could get the same message across in various ways. It's not her life, not her decision, and beside that, it's not like your will to continue pursuing your education is a negative thing. 

I got lucky and had parents who were strong encouragers (my father especially, which I think is because he went to college for three years but didn't finish) of me going to college, but they approached it without ever pressuring me into it. I always knew I wanted to get a college education so it wasn't even a question for me, but my brother is the complete opposite— he dropped out of high school, got his GED, and is actually making really good money as a carpenter. My joke is that I'll graduate from grad school and he'll still have a higher-paying job for me. 

[juilletmercredi]

My parents were relatively anti-higher education. They belong to a religious sect that discourages college and beyond for various reasons, so they encourage their young to just go to vocational programs and/or try to get a job straight from high school. So my father, especially, was disappointed when I decided to go to college (especially when I didn't study engineering). He was downright baffled when I decided to get a PhD, and actively tried to convince me to drop out, arguing that I was wasting my time in school when I could've been working and making money.

That didn't stop him from bragging about me to anyone who would listen, though. *eyeroll*

[MarineBluePsy]

Nice to see this thread here.  Getting a college degree was very rare in my family.  When I decided to go there were only a handful of relatives that got a degree as part of military service or via an athletic scholarship, but the attitude was education was "less than."  My grandma was actually the biggest complainer when I said I was going and it was not under a military or sports umbrella.  Seriously what is it with grandma's?  Every time I saw her she expressed her disappointment in my choices and she complained to anyone who would listen about how I was wasting time and money.  The rest of my family was less vocal, but there was no support either.  I just moved out and surrounded myself with those who shared my goals.  Moving out was stressful, especially financially, but I was going to drown if I continued living in a toxic environment.  For those of you who can't move out I'd say spend as little time at home as possible.  If you're only there to sleep and shower then there are fewer opportunities to hear negative comments.

Then the economy took a dump and all of those naysayers found themselves out of work with zero options.  I on the other hand got laid off, but quickly found other options.  While not my dream career, I kept bills paid and expanded my skill set.  All of a sudden my family was super interested in how I was surviving and how my education was working to my advantage.  Instead of telling them to bug off I was the bigger person and helped those who asked get into programs (some college, some vocational) that would expand their options.  

When I announced I was going for a Master's degree my family didn't even understand what that was.  Once I explained that it would lead to more career options and more money they left me alone lol.  Some were curious and asked how it was going or if they could help me with anything, but the others were silent which was better than the complaints I endured before.  I am grateful I landed a well paying job a few months after graduating otherwise I'd be eating my words lol.  They aren't surprised I'm applying for doctoral programs and some are excited to be able to say there will soon be a "doctor" in the family.  They don't fully understand it, but they know I'm doing the right thing for me and are leaving me be.