First semester. Can't keep up.

[Trouble]

I'm in the first semester of an MA in American Studies. I've tried skimming, reading end-to-end, reading for the goal of writing, and lately, not reading at all. I really don't know what to do to get at the level of my classmates. They are reading the material in a fraction of the required time and posting long and elaborate responses online. I don't think I'll ever get to that point. My confidence is gone. I think I'll be fine if I can get through the first semester and get into thesis territory, but there isn't much room for error, and I'm slipping fast. 

[kirbyhy]

Hey, friend.  I just signed up, this is my first post here. I didn't do an MA in American Studies, but I graduated from my own MA in English in 2014 and I felt the same way that you did at the beginning of my first semester. My advice would be to stop holding yourself to the level of your cohorts and to start seeking help now. Graduate-level education isn't an isolated exercise: in my experience it's about community.  At least my program was. So seek help from teachers, mentors, advisors, and even friends in your cohort. Get their help with stuff you don't understand. If you fall behind now, it's only going to get worse later. Is the reading just in different genres than you're used to?

[Trouble]

My undergraduate was in English, so yes. Social theory and history are not subjects I'm used to studying.

I don't get the sense of community at all. I've met with a professor, and she was nice, but there wasn't much to it. I talked, she listened, and she said come back if I needed anything. I won't have an advisor until the second year. I'll try to reach out more. Thanks. 

[dr. t]

This is a quote about writer's block by Neil Gaiman, but I think it's apropos. 

“The other thing that I would say about writer's block is that it can be very, very subjective. By which I mean, you can have one of those days when you sit down and every word is crap. It is awful. You cannot understand how or why you are writing, what gave you the illusion or delusion that you would every have anything to say that anybody would ever want to listen to. You're not quite sure why you're wasting your time. And if there is one thing you're sure of, it's that everything that is being written that day is rubbish. I would also note that on those days (especially if deadlines and things are involved) is that I keep writing. The following day, when I actually come to look at what has been written, I will usually look at what I did the day before, and think, "That's not quite as bad as I remember. All I need to do is delete that line and move that sentence around and its fairly usable. It's not that bad." What is really sad and nightmarish (and I should add, completely unfair, in every way. And I mean it -- utterly, utterly, unfair!) is that two years later, or three years later, although you will remember very well, very clearly, that there was a point in this particular scene when you hit a horrible Writer's Block from Hell, and you will also remember there was point in this particular scene where you were writing and the words dripped like magic diamonds from your fingers -- as if the Gods were speaking through you and every sentence was a thing of beauty and magic and brilliance. You can remember just as clearly that there was a point in the story, in that same scene, when the characters had turned into pathetic cardboard cut-outs and nothing they said mattered at all. You remember this very, very clearly. The problem is you are now doing a reading and you cannot for the life of you remember which bits were the gifts of the Gods and dripped from your fingers like magical words and which bits were the nightmare things you just barely created and got down on paper somehow!! Which I consider most unfair. As a writer, you feel like one or the other should be better. I wouldn't mind which. I'm not somebody who's saying, "I really wish the stuff from the Gods was better." I wouldn't mind which way it went. I would just like one of them to be better. Rather than when it's a few years later, and you're reading the scene out loud and you don't know, and you cannot tell. It's obviously all written by the same person and it all gets the same kind of reaction from an audience. No one leaps up to say, "Oh look, that paragraph was clearly written on an 'off' day."

It is very unfair. I don't think anybody who isn't a writer would ever understand how quite unfair it is.”

In other words, 1) it's likely that the people who you see as amazing feel exactly like you do and read your work like you're reading theirs, and 2) the only way to get through it is to get through it.

If it helps, your reaction is an incredibly common first-semester grad student reaction. Just keep swimming.

Edited September 21, 2015 by telkanuru

[fuzzylogician]

I'll go off on a short rant, then try and be helpful. This reaction you are having is so incredibly common. It starts here -- everyone is reading so much faster than me, everyone is writing responses that are so much deeper than mine. Later on it'll be -- everyone's topic is so much more interesting than mine; everyone gets into so many more conferences than I do; everyone's finding teaching so much easier, taking much less time to do their prep; everyone gets along with their advisor so much better than I do; and so on. And this will likely be reinforced by the fact that no one will ever admit to having any failures, struggling with writing, getting any papers rejected, etc. It's like looking at everyone's shining Facebook pictures, but not realizing they don't represent anyone's reality. I so wish everyone would stop pretending they are perfect and only admitting the slightest blemishes in private, whispering in a back room. Everyone looks at others and only sees the successes on the outside, not the struggles on the inside, but everyone struggles with something. 

OP -- your reaction is very common. I can't tell you if you are actually having a problem or not, but for your own sanity, it's good to know that this happens to everyone. If you are concerned and professors aren't helping, try and seek out more senior students. I am sure there will be some who will be happy to listen and share advice; they may not admit to struggling themselves (but if you do find one of those, keep them as a friend!), but if you just ask for advice on reading and getting through the first-year courses, you may get some wisdom out of them. Also, if there is a writing center, they may have some advice for you too. Remember that things do just improve with time, even if it's hard to see it while it's happening. Just keep going. 

[Trouble]

Thanks to all of you. It's good to know I'm not alone. 

[Chiqui74]

I'm in the first semester of an MA in American Studies. I've tried skimming, reading end-to-end, reading for the goal of writing, and lately, not reading at all. I really don't know what to do to get at the level of my classmates. They are reading the material in a fraction of the required time and posting long and elaborate responses online. I don't think I'll ever get to that point. My confidence is gone. I think I'll be fine if I can get through the first semester and get into thesis territory, but there isn't much room for error, and I'm slipping fast. 

I feel the same quite a bit, then I get my grade back and it's A.  Take it one day at at time, and remember the slate is wiped clean every week.  Also, comparison is the thief of joy. Hang in there!

[szdat]

I feel the same quite a bit, then I get my grade back and it's A.  Take it one day at at time, and remember the slate is wiped clean every week.  Also, comparison is the thief of joy. Hang in there!

grades are meaningless

[stillalivetui]

grades are meaningless

They seriously are. I was amazed by this.

Edit: I meant to say "aren't." I apologize. 

Edited September 24, 2015 by stillalivetui

[fuzzylogician]

grades are meaningless

They seriously are. I was amazed by this.

Let's please not turn this thread into another "do grades matter" thread. In this context, getting an A is not meaningless. An A means "you are doing alright" and not getting an A would mean "this is a warning that you are not performing well enough." It's certainly relevant when someone tells you they feel like they can't keep up with their peers. 

[Chiqui74]

grades are meaningless

Alrighty then....

[Trouble]

A C certainly isn't meaningless, and that's what I'm trying to avoid. A B means that I'm still alive. 

[Chiqui74]

Trouble, I don't know about your program, but in all programs with which I'm familiar anything below a B is a failing grade.  And even then Bs are not exactly looked upon favorably.

Like I said, hang in there.  Everyone I've spoken to about this issue feels the same way.  We all feel like we can't keep up, like we are not doing as well as our peers.  It's not just you! 

[dr. t]

Humanities grading scale:

A: Acceptable

B: Bad

C: Catastrophic

Edited September 24, 2015 by telkanuru

[Chiqui74]

Trouble, I don't know about your program, but in all programs with which I'm familiar anything below a B is a failing grade.  And even then Bs are not exactly looked upon favorably.

Like I said, hang in there.  Everyone I've spoken to about this issue feels the same way.  We all feel like we can't keep up, like we are not doing as well as our peers.  It's not just you! 

Actually, that was supposed to be "C" is a failing grade.

[TMP]

 And this will likely be reinforced by the fact that no one will ever admit to having any failures, struggling with writing, getting any papers rejected, etc. It's like looking at everyone's shining Facebook pictures, but not realizing they don't represent anyone's reality. I so wish everyone would stop pretending they are perfect and only admitting the slightest blemishes in private, whispering in a back room. Everyone looks at others and only sees the successes on the outside, not the struggles on the inside, but everyone struggles with something. 

 

THIS!  Once I started hearing some people in my program complaining about how I appeared to have my act together and viewed me as "know it all," I was shocked and upset.  Since then, I've had to admit my struggles publicly to show that I don't always have my stuff together and do need help sometimes.  There are certain areas where I'm not terrific (class discussions and preparing for exams) and other areas where I'm comfortable handling (research, writing grant applications).  Nobody is perfect.  Everyone struggles with something; even professors have their particular areas of strengths that they play up.

Try talking to some of the more senior students; they were in your shoes once.  Ask how they got through their first semester.  You might get answers like "I don't know... I just try to repress that memory..." but everyone knows that they just have to keep swimming because life doesn't have STOP button.