Trouble with a slightly overbearing labmate?

[madbiochemist]

I've been really lucky to get into the grad school and lab of my dreams and was excited to start my first research rotation. When I interviewed, everything seemed basically perfect and I really enjoyed myself there. However, I just started my first rotation along with another first year PhD student. We're training together all day and our advisor also suggested we write a review paper together on my proposed thesis project, which she has hardly helped out with so far. She's relatively nice, but she's outspoken, almost to a fault. When we meet with our potential PI, she dominates the conversation and when I try to say something, I almost always get interrupted and can't finish my train of thought. I'm getting really upset that I can't get my questions answered or comments heard because she talks over me when I try to ask something. I'm getting to the point where I kind of just want to leave the lab and try somewhere else instead, even though the research, the other grad students, and the PI are great. I'm also worried that everyone thinks I'm a complete idiot because I've basically stopped talking in lab meeting because I know I wont be able to finish saying anything anyway. It doesn't help that I switched fields and already feel like a failure almost all the time. Any advice on what I should do? 

[rising_star]

Have you tried scheduling a 1-on-1 meeting with your PI to talk about this? It's quite possible the PI has already noticed some of what you're talking about. It might be that the PI can pull the other first year aside and talk to her about interrupting others, her contributions, etc. 

[Eigen]

Rising Stars advice is good, but I'd also recommend thinking how you can deal with lab mates like this- many scientists get excited and can be quite loud. It isn't necessarily a sign if disrespect, and frequently the answer is to keep talking and not let them speak over you. 

The vast majority of my colleagues could be described a lot like you describe your labmate, including myself (outspoken to a fault), and learning how to deal with people like us can be a good thing. 

Edited October 17, 2015 by Eigen

[St Andrews Lynx]

Don't be afraid to be slightly rude. "Let me finish, please." or "Excuse me, I'm still talking." are reasonable things to say. They also alert everyone else to your colleague's habit of talking over you, and maybe they can help fit you in "Oh, I think madbiochemist wanted to say something, here." Etc.

[dr. t]

Learning how to keep talking in a slightly louder voice is a pretty useful skill to acquire, actually.

[shadowclaw]

I recently read a magazine article (or perhaps it was a blog post) about key phrases to teach your daughters to use to help them avoid being pushed out of conversations/ignored by men. I think they may be useful to you. They are: "stop interrupting me," "I just said that," and "no explanation needed." Ok, that last one might not be applicable, but the first two should be. Don't be afraid to call someone out if they're interrupting you or ignoring you. You don't need to be rude back, but something as simple as waiting for them to finish and saying "now that you're done interrupting me, here's what I had to say" will help them realize what they're doing. If they don't take that not-so-subtle hint, then I might start getting rude and interrupt them back. You just need to be loud enough to be heard!

I've had issues with other people interrupting me in the past when trying to talk about something. Not in an academic setting, but definitely when talking to people, I've been pushed out of the conversation by others. The worst was working at my job over the summer... I was responsible for training several people in some field techniques. There were two projects going on that overlapped somewhat, but I was training everyone in techniques specific to the project I was leading, and the leader of the other project (who also knew the techniques I was teaching) decided to just jump right in and add some commentary, which would have been fine if she stopped after adding her two cents, but then she just kept going and took over the entire training session and I barely got to say a word while I was demonstrating the techniques. I ended up being very frustrated throughout the field season because she kept making her voice heard above mine when we talked to our supervisors and to our field crew, and if I had just told her to cut it out early on, things would have gone more smoothly. So please try to make yourself heard! You can do it!

[madbiochemist]

Thanks! I had a frustrating experience today. We're working on a rotation project together at my advisor's request because it's easier to train two people at once. Well, we were presenting today and she tried to give the half of the presentation that I agreed to give and had practiced. I can't tell if she's just oblivious or is trying to one up me to our PI... She always does that in meetings too. I don't understand why, since we've both been guaranteed full funding and acceptance into the lab. I guess I'm just ready to work alone...

[StrongTackleBacarySagna]

Continue talking, but with a more aggressive tone, louder volume, and look her in the eyes when you continue talking. Take cues from great men like Mitt Romney if you're having problems

0:50 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anZlKAVPCnA

Edited November 18, 2015 by StrongTackleBacarySagna

[dr. t]

8 hours ago, madbiochemist said:

 I can't tell if she's just oblivious or is trying to one up me to our PI

At this point, I would assume she's trying to one-up you before your PI, because she's still doing it after you've let her know that it really annoys you. 

You have, directly or indirectly, let her know it really annoys you, right?

[rising_star]

madbiochemist, this is about a male grad student doing similar things but you may still find the advice from Captain Awkward about this helpful.