My advisor is great, but...

[snapea]

My advisor is great, but... he is the most awkward person! My first semester is winding down but still, nearly every time we speak there are unbearable awkward/uncomfortable moments. This leads to me or lab-mates trying to fill awkward silences which only makes things worse, sometimes leaving us thinking the whole meeting was weird. If I keep my mouth shut instead there is lots of nodding and staring at the ground. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well, but trust me, it's bad. Now that I've realized this might not go away, I actually get nervous about going to meet with him. It's starting to stress me out--help!?

[St Andrews Lynx]

Define "awkward". If you're saying stuff that damages your PI's perception of you...then just stupid up. If it just everyday awkward/weird...then don't worry. Why should it matter?

Don't feel that you HAVE to fill the silences. Your PI might just need more time to absorb what has been said in meetings and to think about what they want to say in response. 

 

[snapea]

It's basically everyday awkwardness but it overwhelms me. I guess I could try to get used to the silences. It matters because I leave the meetings feeling pretty anxious. I usually get along very well with my professors and imagined having a great rapport with my PhD advisor. But even seeing him in the halls usually results in a strange interaction. 

[fuzzylogician]

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. Your PI sounds like the kind of person that needs to take time to think about things, and might take time before he is comfortable around other people. Some people are just awkward around other people, it's a fact of life and affliction many academics suffer from. With time, things will improve between you two simply because you'll get used to being around each other and hopefully you can learn to just wait until he's done thinking and not get upset about it or try to fill the silence with words. Those words probably confuse or distract him if he's thinking, and it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of saying them. You don't need to fill the silence, you just need to understand that's how he is. 

The one piece of advice I can give you is to stop these sessions with your friends where you compare his behavior across your meetings and talk about how bad it is. That will only make it worse. You're drawing extra attention to it and treating it like some kind of terrible thing you need each other's support to get through, where really this is much more common than you think and not a bad thing at all. Two of my four dissertation advisors were like what you describe: long pauses, lots of silence, staring out windows or at the page. Then words of wisdom come out of their mouths that make the waiting worthwhile. They were excellent advisors. I found ways to make myself comfortable--with one I always had my computer so I'd check my email or something; with another, I'd actually go up to their window and look out, or I'd draw on a piece of paper. Within about a semester, it wasn't awkward anymore, I just got used to it, and I think they got used to me.

[St Andrews Lynx]

1 hour ago, snapea said:

 I guess I could try to get used to the silences. 

You have to. They're not going to go away. 

Don't take the silences personally. They are all about the PI's thought processes, not about you. 

[snapea]

1 hour ago, St Andrews Lynx said:

You have to. They're not going to go away. 

Don't take the silences personally. They are all about the PI's thought processes, not about you. 

I'm only in my first semester--we aren't discussing research ideas very often. If that were the case of course I would understand he would need time to think about the ideas. This happens in check-in meetings when he asks me how my classes and overall adjustment are going. It's light, chatty conversation and that's why I become uncomfortable. I just wanted put my situation out there to see if it was common. But thanks for your input, and thank you @fuzzylogician as well.

[TakeruK]

Every advisor is a human being and every human being has their own quirks/preferences/mannerisms/whatever you want to call it. Some people just don't have good social or people skills and are terrible at making conversation/small talk. Like any other relationship/interactions with other humans, you have to decide if you are okay with interacting with the advisor in this way.

Clarification: This does not generally apply to all advisor behaviours. It does apply to this situation you describe. But, if your advisor is making you uncomfortable because of (for example) sexist or racist remarks, then the advice of "accept the way they are" definitely does not apply! Here, I'm making the assumption that these are reasonable behaviours. However, it's good that you are asking, because most of the victims of terrible advisor behaviours don't know that what they are experience is not normal and not okay.

With that in mind, as others have said, it's not about you, it's just their thought processes and how they want to interact with others. It sounds like you were hoping for a different kind of relationship with your advisor, and unfortunately, it sounds like you won't get that and it's up to you to decide which aspects of an advisor are most important to you. Keep in mind that you would be really lucky if you were to find the "perfect" advisor that is the perfect fit for you in every single aspect. But you should consider this and put thought into what would be the best overall fit for you (not just research, but also things like how friendly you want to be and what their work expectations are etc.)

 

[hippyscientist]

I'd like to contribute that academics are a funny bunch. My current department are all eccentric to varying degrees, and it's taken me the semester to get used to them, and build rapport. One is very much stuck in his ways, and sounds very similar to the "awkward" you've described. I've found by contributing to discussions, but giving him enough time to do things his way, has meant we now have a good relationship - although to my friends outside my department they think it's weird. It's just the way this particular professor behaves, and now I've got used to it, I can appreciate his brilliance. It definitely took time to get there, and I think if I hadn't had the interactions I had (he's head of our teaching and learning committee and I'm the student representative for it, so we've had to interact outside of purely academic conversations) it would have taken longer for me to "get" him.

The other faculty members in my department are just nuts, and they each have their own eccentricities, but I wouldn't change any of them. The advice given here is great, it's a case of discarding the ideal you created and acknowledging the reality. Get to know your advisor and the way they work, you might find given time that they can be incredibly illuminating. If this doesn't come to pass, is there another academic you can build rapport with so you don't feel ostracised by faculty? I'm not sure I'm verbalizing that correctly but someone on the faculty you can go to "for a chat" - not necessarily about academics, not to bitch about your advisor, but maybe someone who has wisdom that you would benefit from.

[Deadwing0608]

19 hours ago, snapea said:

I'm only in my first semester--we aren't discussing research ideas very often. If that were the case of course I would understand he would need time to think about the ideas. This happens in check-in meetings when he asks me how my classes and overall adjustment are going. It's light, chatty conversation

I am a person that takes awhile to gather my thoughts before speaking, and it doesn't matter for me what kind of conversation I am having. Even in a light chatty conversation it takes me time to compose my thoughts. Taking those moments, accepting that I need those silences, is one of the ways that I've managed to move past a crippling inability to speak at all in conversations not with close friends, family, etc.

No idea if your PI is similar, but I thought I'd throw it in the mix.

[TakeruK]

16 hours ago, piglet33 said:

If this doesn't come to pass, is there another academic you can build rapport with so you don't feel ostracised by faculty? I'm not sure I'm verbalizing that correctly but someone on the faculty you can go to "for a chat" - not necessarily about academics, not to bitch about your advisor, but maybe someone who has wisdom that you would benefit from.

This is a good point and one I forgot to mention!

To snapea: more generally, it's a good idea to remember that everything you want out of faculty interactions does not have to come from your advisor and your advisor only. For example, in my program, there is a faculty member that students go hiking with and another that students play music with. Some of the students are doing these things with their advisors but others are just doing it because the faculty member is just someone else who is interested in the same hobby. 

The above was a non-academic example, but it extends to other realms too. For example, your research advisor can be a different person that someone who will mentor you in finding jobs, or how to network at conferences, or how to teach, or how to diplomatically interact with collaborators who are being slow etc. There is a lot of mentorship/apprenticeship between professor and grad student and while some people find both roles in their advisors, it doesn't have to be that way. Of course, if you prefer it that way, it's fine too, but you might have to look elsewhere. 

[xXIDaShizIXx]

Personally I think the "awkward" professors are the best. They are the ones that care the most about their students and for some reason or another take the time to write amazing letters of recommendation about you.

[ashiepoo72]

Some advisers are quirky, just like some people you meet on the street. I was warned by grad students about certain professors, stuff like "they're super nice and helpful, but take awhile to warm up and are awkward at first" or "this person has trouble socializing and may come across as indifferent" etc. One of my profs reminded my cohort that professors are not our friends, even if they're friendly, at least until we are on the other side of the degree. Their job is to train us as professional scholars. They don't need to conform to social norms that make us comfortable, but do need to be respectful and professional.

The real question you should be asking is if this person is able and willing and the best fit to support your work in grad school. If they are, then you should try to get over the awkwardness and focus on being professional. You're going to meet plenty of people in academia who come across as strange to you. You probably come across the same way to others and don't realize it. Humans are an interesting species like that. Learning to work through those differences in personalities will take you far, in grad school and otherwise.

I second not having a discussion group to compare how awkward your adviser is. This stuff tends to get around, and imagine how even more awkward your relationship can get if your adviser finds out you're talking about them in what can be construed as a negative way. If your adviser isn't doing something wrong (like deliberately trying to mess up your grad career or coming on to you or being a total and obvious jerk, etc) and is professional and involved, then you should try to be as professional as possible and not talk about him behind his back.