Rooming with Faculty at Conferences

[The Wayfarer]

I was wondering if anyone has had experience rooming with faculty at conferences? I'll most likely be attending a conference where I am not presenting but my advisor would like me to go and network. Travel wise the cost won't be too prohibitive since it is just the next state over but my advisor suggested that we share a room to cut down on the lodging costs. Has anyone done this? Experiences? Just trying to get a feel for what I'll be getting myself into. Thanks!

[rising_star]

I've never shared a room with my advisor, nor has such an offer ever been presented to me. Personally, I would try to stay with fellow graduate students instead though I guess it really depends on the relationship you have with your advisor.

[Furcifera]

I've done this once; worked out fine. In fact, I ended up getting invited to a lot more dinners with her old research buddies than I likely would have otherwise.

Edited December 20, 2015 by Furcifera

[Roquentin]

Yeah, I've done this too (shared a room with my supervisor at a conference). The only tricky thing was that I wanted to fine tune my paper a bit before giving it, and I didn't want him to know that I wasn't 100% ready to go. Other than that, it went fine - not a big deal at all.

[Starship]

@The Wayfarer, I was also recently offered to stay in the same hotel room by my advisor. Although we are both females, I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Doesn't this cross boundaries in multiple ways? We also have not had much face to face contact being that she has been out of the state for the past two semesters (since I started graduate school). I'm struggling with a way to politely say no without hurting feelings or burning bridges. Have you found a solution yet? What was your outcome? 

[fuzzylogician]

I don't think this crosses a boundary, it's actually a fairly common way to save costs. (A young woman sharing a room with an older man, or the other way around, is a different story.) But if you're uncomfortable, just say no. If you can do that after you've made other arrangements, you can just say "no thanks, I've already agreed to do X," or even "no thanks, I'd rather share a room with another student" or whatever.  

[fuzzylogician]

On 1/3/2016 at 2:19 AM, Roquentin said:

Yeah, I've done this too (shared a room with my supervisor at a conference). The only tricky thing was that I wanted to fine tune my paper a bit before giving it, and I didn't want him to know that I wasn't 100% ready to go. Other than that, it went fine - not a big deal at all.

Oh man, so many people tweak their presentation last minute, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I bet your advisor's done it too, at some point in his life. 

[TakeruK]

I feel like if there is any pressure at all from the advisor on the student to share the room, then it would cross a boundary. That is, this is only okay if both parties are fully comfortable with sharing the room and that there is nothing that might pressure the student into saying yes when they don't want to.

I don't want to generalize, but I feel that there are often so many ways for an advisor to pressure a student into sharing a room. For example, if the advisor's grant is paying for both of them, the student might feel pressure to save their advisor's money. 

The bottom line is, in my opinion, the power dynamic between PhD student & advisor is so vast that there are very few cases where an advisor can ask something of a student and that request would be a legitimate request instead of an "order". But I definitely know some people who are truly and legitimately comfortable enough with their advisor to do this. So I don't want to say this is generically bad either. It just raises a lot of flags to me.

And either way, I think if you are not comfortable, you should say so. Fuzzy's advice on example things to say are good. If I'm the only person from my department going to a conference, I usually try to contact friends from other schools to split a room with me to save on costs. Many of my conferences even have forums to find roommates. Or, sometimes you can find an AirBnB or something that is cheap enough to go by yourself.

[fuzzylogician]

31 minutes ago, TakeruK said:

I feel like if there is any pressure at all from the advisor on the student to share the room, then it would cross a boundary. That is, this is only okay if both parties are fully comfortable with sharing the room and that there is nothing that might pressure the student into saying yes when they don't want to.

I don't want to generalize, but I feel that there are often so many ways for an advisor to pressure a student into sharing a room. For example, if the advisor's grant is paying for both of them, the student might feel pressure to save their advisor's money. 

The bottom line is, in my opinion, the power dynamic between PhD student & advisor is so vast that there are very few cases where an advisor can ask something of a student and that request would be a legitimate request instead of an "order". But I definitely know some people who are truly and legitimately comfortable enough with their advisor to do this. So I don't want to say this is generically bad either. It just raises a lot of flags to me.

I mean, it's difficult to read tone from an email but hopefully you know your advisor and have at least some understanding of their intentions. There is a big difference between something like "to save costs on this grant, we should share a hotel room." and "since we're both going to attend this conference, would you like to share a hotel room?". The former requires a more formal reply that probably has to mention that you are uncomfortable with that situation, but to the latter you can just say "thanks for thinking of me, but I've actually already made other arrangements" without going into any further detail. I don't think there have to be any red flags raised in this situation automatically just because the advisor wrote with this question. 

[TakeruK]

51 minutes ago, fuzzylogician said:

I mean, it's difficult to read tone from an email but hopefully you know your advisor and have at least some understanding of their intentions. There is a big difference between something like "to save costs on this grant, we should share a hotel room." and "since we're both going to attend this conference, would you like to share a hotel room?". The former requires a more formal reply that probably has to mention that you are uncomfortable with that situation, but to the latter you can just say "thanks for thinking of me, but I've actually already made other arrangements" without going into any further detail. I don't think there have to be any red flags raised in this situation automatically just because the advisor wrote with this question. 

I mean that unless there is a good relationship between advisor and student, it might be hard for the student to express their discomfort with sharing the room and/or even saying that they have made other arrangements. I just think when the power dynamic is so unbalanced, it is really hard for the person with power to truly ask a "fair" request. And, the advisor might think the relationship is good or not even think that the student would be uncomfortable. And the student may not want to express their discomfort because it might be perceived as an insult. So, I feel that in general, advisors should avoid initiating these requests.

When I wrote "flags", I don't really mean the student should be concerned if their advisor asked them to share a room since they would know how to interpret the request the best. I meant that if I heard about a professor and their student sharing a room, my first reaction would be concern and I'll probably check in with the student if I knew them to make sure they're okay. I know this is a little bit of an overreaction since it's not really my job to "police" other people's interactions, but I already know many students who are very uncomfortable when they are forced to do this. Also, given the amount of news coverage of harassment in astronomy, it's on my mind now even more than usual. (And, to be clear: it's not like harassment is only in astronomy or that it's only happening now---it's just that right now, astronomy is being more open about the harassment problem than ever before).

[Eigen]

That sounds like an extreme over-reaction to sharing rooms, TakeruK. I understand it from the state of the field, but sharing rooms with a same-sex advisor is really common in my field- almost everyone I know has done it at some point or another if they have an advisor of the same gender. 

There are even conferences in my discipline that assign rooms and roommates directly- I've roomed with other faculty from other schools as well as my own.

[TakeruK]

Huh, I wouldn't have guessed this would be it, but this appears to be a big difference from field to field then. I've only heard bad experiences of advisor and student sharing rooms and most advisors will get the side eye if it's heard that they share rooms with their own students. This is true even before the recent harassment stories.

Our conferences rarely assign roommates directly. Usually you register for the conference separately from the hotel---you'd use the link on the conference webpage to get the discount code if you want to stay in the conference hotel. Often people will make other arrangements e.g. airbnb or staying with a friend, or staying at another hotel that is more convenient for one reason or another. So, for most conferences, if you want a roommate you have to set it up yourself. 

On the roommate search forum, the expected protocol is that you write a few things about yourself such as gender and your status (undergrad/grad/postdoc/faculty) and what gender and status you are looking to room with. Most listings have faculty with faculty, postdocs with postdocs etc. with a few exceptions for jr postdoc + sr grad student etc.

For many conferences, postdocs and faculty often bring their family with them. Especially those with very young children---they bring their partner as the caretaker for the child while they are in talks and meetings. Conferences may also have childcare centers. Many conferences in my field have a fund that attendees can apply for to use towards paying the childcare center fees or paying for the flight of their partner to care for the child. Some schools also have this as a benefit.

So, the norm is for faculty to have their own rooms and students will share with each other, but rarely with faculty. 

I feel like there are already enough potential personality conflict issues when I share with another student (e.g. wakeup times, bedtimes, cleanliness, etc.) and I'm always less comfortable and more anxious when I'm sharing a room vs. the trips where the hotels are cheap enough for me to have my own room. I can't imagine how much more amplified my stress would be if I was sharing with a faculty member! 

[Eigen]

I guess there's some field-to-field difference in how comfortable faculty and grad students are with one another anyway. 

My field is pretty informal- I don't feel any different hanging out with a faculty member than I do anyone else I interact with- age would be the only major factor. 

But I go drinking with a variety of our professors, and my wife and I have double dated with several on occasion as well- both in my department and in hers. 

[TakeruK]

1 hour ago, Eigen said:

I guess there's some field-to-field difference in how comfortable faculty and grad students are with one another anyway. 

My field is pretty informal- I don't feel any different hanging out with a faculty member than I do anyone else I interact with- age would be the only major factor. 

But I go drinking with a variety of our professors, and my wife and I have double dated with several on occasion as well- both in my department and in hers. 

We're informal in social circumstances: professors join students at the weekly beer hour and my partner and I also sometimes have dinner with professors and their partners. We've been to their houses for dinners and sometimes students will house-sit / pet-sit for their advisors. For one reason or another, sharing a hotel room seems to cross another line though. And I think despite the fact that we are friendly and familiar with each other, it doesn't hide the fact that ultimately, they have a lot of control over our futures in terms of their network, letters, etc. 

[rising_star]

Yea, I'm like TakeruK in that I had plenty of informal socialization with faculty during my PhD, including dogsitting for a prof who was out of town for a month (and living in said prof's house), subletting my advisor's house for a semester, and frequently (almost weekly) going to happy hour and dinner with faculty in the department. I even know where the spare keys are hidden at several of their houses, for various reasons. Even so, there's no way I'd want to share a room at a conference with any of them, whether or not they are my gender. I would much rather share with other grad students.

[Eigen]

I guess to me it's no different to me than sharing a room with a manager/boss traveling for work, and that is/was something I've done a lot outside of academia- it may be something that's informing my field's difference a lot as well, due to the strong industry influence on the academic workings. 

[rising_star]

See, even when I worked outside of academia, I was never asked to share a room with a manager/boss during travel. I only ever shared with coworkers at more or less my same level.

[TakeruK]

23 hours ago, Eigen said:

I guess to me it's no different to me than sharing a room with a manager/boss traveling for work, and that is/was something I've done a lot outside of academia- it may be something that's informing my field's difference a lot as well, due to the strong industry influence on the academic workings. 

Interesting---I did not do any travel when I worked outside of academia, but those in the same company that did travel with their boss did not share rooms with their boss. Although, they didn't share rooms with coworkers either: the company always paid for each person to have their own accommodations whenever they traveled for meetings or training sessions.

[Pitangus]

On 1/25/2016 at 10:56 PM, Eigen said:

I guess to me it's no different to me than sharing a room with a manager/boss traveling for work, and that is/was something I've done a lot outside of academia- it may be something that's informing my field's difference a lot as well, due to the strong industry influence on the academic workings. 

This is how I would see it as well. During the field season I've shared rooms with field assistants of all kinds, and occasionally either my advisor or other random researchers staying in the area for a few days. So if my advisor and I were attending the same conference I wouldn't bat an eye if she arranged for us to share a hotel room. 

I personally hate sharing a bedroom with anyone for more than a few days, and it is a source of stress for me every summer. But sharing rooms is common and pretty much expected in my field if you do fieldwork somewhere with dorm-style housing, so I deal with it when I have to. A couple of days, as with a conference, would not be a big deal though, even for me. I suppose because I am used to it now. 

 

[shadowclaw]

This is a very interesting topic!

For both my undergraduate and graduate programs, my advisor was the opposite gender, so I never had to worry about the possibility of sharing a room with them. However, I did spend a few days doing some museum work with my advisor and one of the undergrads in the lab and we stayed at a hotel. Being the only female, I had a room to myself, but my advisor and the undergrad shared a room, although the hotel was in a former apartment building, so the rooms were actually two rooms (a living room area and a bedroom), so they didn't have to physically share the same room while they slept. As far as I can tell, they had a great time.

I also helped one of my committee members with her fieldwork and spent a weekend with the field crew. We planned to camp in tents the whole time, but one of the campgrounds was full except for renting out a cabin, so all of us (3 females and 1 male) stayed in the same one-room cabin. It wasn't even remotely awkward.

Now that my advisor is the same gender as I am, the possibility could arise for rooming together. Thinking about it, it probably would be awkward because I don't know her well. I roomed with some undergraduates I barely knew last term for a meeting and it was incredibly weird. I also roomed with another graduate student at a conference when I was in my masters program, and while not really awkward, it was annoying as heck.

In a perfect world, I would room alone, because dealing with other people's schedules and sleeping habitats is very taxing. I spent my summer working as the lead field tech doing bird banding and vegetation surveys. We had two pretty big cabins and it worked out so that everyone had their own room unless our bosses came to visit (which wasn't too often). That said, it was a pain to adjust my routine to accommodate three people showering and cooking in my cabin (which was very annoying with limited counter space and a tiny stove). The walls were also thin, and one person would basically have her alarm go off 45 minutes before she actually got out of bed and she would hit snooze over and over again. So I essentially lost 45 minutes of sleep every morning because of her, and sleep was very precious. At least I had a private space to retreat to, though!

[TakeruK]

8 hours ago, shadowclaw said:

In a perfect world, I would room alone, because dealing with other people's schedules and sleeping habitats is very taxing.

...

The walls were also thin, and one person would basically have her alarm go off 45 minutes before she actually got out of bed and she would hit snooze over and over again. So I essentially lost 45 minutes of sleep every morning because of her, and sleep was very precious. At least I had a private space to retreat to, though!

This is how I feel! In addition to the extra mental stress of dealing with other people's routines, I also have the added stress of worrying about whether or not my routines are bothering others. I feel like traveling to conferences etc. is already a big enough demand on my time that I should not have to deal with this added work as well. A conference day usually means I have to be "on" from 8am to 10pm or later. I feel like I'm putting in so much work for a conference that the least they can do is ensure I get some privacy and a decent rest (I don't need a fancy hotel---I'd prefer a private motel room over a shared hotel room if cost was the issue). I need that alone time at the end of each long day to recharge and get ready to do it all again!

Note #1: This makes it sound like I hate conferences, but that's not true! I really enjoy conferences! I'd normally consider myself more of an introvert than an extrovert but during a conference, I turn up the extrovertedness because well the point of a conference is to meet people and talk about your work etc. But even though this is really fun, it's also very tiring and taxing. I can do my job as a graduate student at a conference better when I have my own room/privacy each night.

Note #2: But, for some reason, I'm actually pretty comfortable with "barracks" style housing (e.g. many bunk beds in one cabin). I spent many summers in cadet camp like this and most of my geology field trips were housed like this and it was fine. Maybe it's something to do with the outdoors though. For me, the outdoors/woods/desert always makes me feel more connected with others. And probably also because I can just take a walk outside, look up at the night sky and feel pretty alone and at peace!

[The Wayfarer]

Well, I'm glad that this topic generated some good discussion on the subject. Update for those who were wondering.
 

On 1/23/2016 at 6:27 PM, Starship said:

@The Wayfarer, I was also recently offered to stay in the same hotel room by my advisor. Although we are both females, I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Doesn't this cross boundaries in multiple ways? We also have not had much face to face contact being that she has been out of the state for the past two semesters (since I started graduate school). I'm struggling with a way to politely say no without hurting feelings or burning bridges. Have you found a solution yet? What was your outcome? 

Both my advisor and I are males (and not that far apart in age) so that definitely narrows down some part of the awkwardness. He actually ended up covering the entirety of the hotel room so we are not even splitting expenses on that side of thing. I definitely appreciate him covering the entire hotel room costs but I feel like that may add to the power dynamic of the relationship in some weird way. 

It appears that it will end up being three nights in the hotel room. But like I said I am not presenting anything at the conference so it is definitely makes it easier for him to drag me to networking events but at the same time I need to make sure not to be an annoyance as he is preparing for his role at the conference/try not to simply be a shadow following him around everywhere.

[TakeruK]

2 hours ago, The Wayfarer said:

Both my advisor and I are males (and not that far apart in age) so that definitely narrows down some part of the awkwardness. He actually ended up covering the entirety of the hotel room so we are not even splitting expenses on that side of thing. I definitely appreciate him covering the entire hotel room costs but I feel like that may add to the power dynamic of the relationship in some weird way. 

It appears that it will end up being three nights in the hotel room. But like I said I am not presenting anything at the conference so it is definitely makes it easier for him to drag me to networking events but at the same time I need to make sure not to be an annoyance as he is preparing for his role at the conference/try not to simply be a shadow following him around everywhere.

Oh, I would have thought it would be a given that if you are attending a conference that would be a work trip and therefore your advisor/department would pay for everything. But I guess you say you are also not presenting so even in my field that might make it hard to get expenses covered by a grant or other travel fund. But just to be clear, when I mention saving money above, I don't mean my own out-of-pocket money (I would never pay out of pocket to do a work trip), but instead, saving my advisor money (by sharing with another grad student) or saving money from any research funds I have access to, so that the money can be later spent on something else beneficial for me (e.g. another trip). 

But you do bring up a really good point about a benefit of sharing that I forgot about. Networking is a lot easier when you have a roommate to encourage you to go to things. Or, if each roommate has their own existing group of "conference buddies" then both roommates can meet a lot of new people. And, a lot of the post-session conference hangouts form spontaneously and informally, having a roommate letting you know what's up and inviting you to something they are going to is great. I was able to learn about and meet lots of people this way when I was starting out. Now, when I go to a conference, I already know a bunch of people and it's a lot of fun

 

[rising_star]

3 hours ago, TakeruK said:

Oh, I would have thought it would be a given that if you are attending a conference that would be a work trip and therefore your advisor/department would pay for everything. But I guess you say you are also not presenting so even in my field that might make it hard to get expenses covered by a grant or other travel fund. But just to be clear, when I mention saving money above, I don't mean my own out-of-pocket money (I would never pay out of pocket to do a work trip), but instead, saving my advisor money (by sharing with another grad student) or saving money from any research funds I have access to, so that the money can be later spent on something else beneficial for me (e.g. another trip). 

This is definitely discipline specific. In the humanities and socials sciences, it is incredibly rare for a department or advisor to pay for everything for a trip to conference, unless they have specific grant money to do. Since most students are funded by TA positions, they don't have any dedicated grant money to draw on for conferences. Instead, you apply for funding from the department, the graduate school, etc., and hope that they combine to be enough to cover your expenses. If I refused to spend any money out of pocket for conferences in graduate school (or even now, to be honest), I'd either only be able to attend the major conference for 1-2 days (it's 5 full days long) or be restricted to attending 1-2 regional conferences which I could drive to or fly expensively (<$200 round trip). Just to give you an idea, combining departmental and grad college funding would get one about $1100 maximum for conferences. Depending on where the major conference is, flights and registration alone would cost about $500, without considering food or a hotel room.

[heliogabalus]

My big question is, are you a sci-fi student at UC-Riverside?


(Sorry, couldn't resist. But yeah, unless you have an incredibly good and casual relationship with your advisor, or you are sleeping with them, I think this is really weird.)