The agony of rejection

[Nicole Gilbert]

I'm completely devastated tonight. I know it is stupid but I applied to only one program this year. I selected the one I loved and put all my energy into it. I was in no position to do otherwise--I'm a school teacher and I could not move. I'm helping my son get through university and I can't move. The other programs in the area simply do not offer what I am looking for. 

Anyway, I applied. I put my brain, my heart and my soul into it. I have watched the boards and have seen that there was a recruitment weekend that I was not invited to; acceptance letters have been sent out and those who are fortunate enough to do so are making their decisions. I'm not among them. 

I have a weird background. I dropped out of high school, raised a child as a single parent, and worked hard through welfare reform to go to night school for my BA. I completed at the top of my class and went on to get a MA. Again, I graduated at the top of my class with a 4.0. I am a published author of creative non-fiction and of a textbook chapter for the American Counseling Association's book on social justice counseling practices. I have provided several teacher education professional learning seminars. I have been an educator in some of the poorest, most difficult schools for five years. I have great recommendations and nothing but exceptional evaluations...Yadah, yadah...I have my shit together. 

Anyway, here I am, 38, and I have weathered the storm. I didn't make the cut and I am struggling with these long-held insecurities that I am not good enough. I work at one of the hardest, most violent schools in the country and I dread returning next year. I had so hoped that I was good enough and could move on. I believe that my wierdo experience would make me an asset to a grad program. Apparently the admissions committee didn't agree. 

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

 

[Euler]

This is devastating, I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you!

2 minutes ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

First, it's not a stupid question, it's just really hard to answer as someone who doesn't know you personally. I can't imagine having gone through an unconventional educational path, especially with incredible success as you have, is a negative.

Even though it's bordering impossibility, you should try not to take rejection personally as an insult from the school. The application process is brutal for almost everyone involved, and what an admission committee has from you is a tiny, perhaps only mildly representative idea of who you are. And as people often discuss here, the process for the committees to come to a decision on who to accept or reject is nonlinear, subjective, and imperfect. It's unfortunately the way the system works, and if your hands are tied such that you can only apply to one school, the odds may work against you even if everything on your end is the best it could be.

Anyway, wine and company is probably your best recourse. Now is likely as good a time as ever for you to consider plan B, but that's not something I can help with from here!

[nevermind]

12 minutes ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

 

I don't know what program you applied to...but based on what you posted, I'm going to make a guess about what was wrong with your application: it was too personal and not business-like enough. Typically, they're looking for a colleague and generally don't care what a person's background is as long as they have a great research fit and credentials. Unfortunately, you can generally "buy" opportunities that seem like credentials (e.g. studying abroad and gaining fluency in a language, hiring an admissions consultant, etc.). which may give other (more affluent) candidates a longer resume.

Your job now is to show them why you're qualified as a candidate and only using an "unconventional past" as reinforcing those traits (it certainly shouldn't be the theme of your narrative). I made a similar mistake my first round of PhD applications (focused too much on obstacles I've overcome...not enough on "fit"). One thing to keep in mind: they didn't reject you (and certainly one rejection doesn't reflect on your academic potential)...they rejected your application. And there's plenty of things you can likely to do give you an edge next application cycle. Since you live close to the university, you may want to contact professors to see if you can audit a class or two in the program, get to know them, and then have them write letters of recommendation for you the next round. 

Edited February 26, 2016 by nevermind

[katpillow]

1 hour ago, nevermind said:

I don't know what program you applied to...but based on what you posted, I'm going to make a guess about what was wrong with your application: it was too personal and not business-like enough. Typically, they're looking for a colleague and generally don't care what a person's background is as long as they have a great research fit and credentials. Unfortunately, you can generally "buy" opportunities that seem like credentials (e.g. studying abroad and gaining fluency in a language, hiring an admissions consultant, etc.). which may give other (more affluent) candidates a longer resume.

Your job now is to show them why you're qualified as a candidate and only using an "unconventional past" as reinforcing those traits (it certainly shouldn't be the theme of your narrative). I made a similar mistake my first round of PhD applications (focused too much on obstacles I've overcome...not enough on "fit"). One thing to keep in mind: they didn't reject you (and certainly one rejection doesn't reflect on your academic potential)...they rejected your application. And there's plenty of things you can likely to do give you an edge next application cycle. Since you live close to the university, you may want to contact professors to see if you can audit a class or two in the program, get to know them, and then have them write letters of recommendation for you the next round. 

I agree with you on many points here, perhaps in that the overall narrative of the application should focus on the fit, etc, however I don't think it should be lacking the passion that brought someone to where they are now, or why they want to pursue a PhD for that matter. I think a healthy blend might be important- if there are reasons to explain obstacles and why they were overcome, then details like that should be shared- but in the spirit of what you wrote, the emphasis of the application should not be grounded in this either. I know you're not necessarily saying that personal gusto should be left out, I just don't want OP to come away thinking that it's wrong to have it in there, either. PhD programs want people who really want to be there, and they won't get a sense of that if all your statements do is just elaborate on what's already clear as day in your CV.

Really, I'd rather be at a place that wants me because they think that the passion and drive that I've got from my research experiences as well as my life challenges is the kind of heart and brain that works for them. Getting a PhD is hard, and if anything, most programs want people they know can hang tough when it inevitably gets difficult. If they just want a kid with a stack of credentials and examples of how he/she is a good candidate because of the qualities that make him/her a special little seashell... that's not a place I want to be, ultimately. I know this is a pot full of ideals, but sometimes that's how you've got to do your cooking.

I simply feel the need to say this because the entire reason I scored my MSU interview was because of how passionate I was in my application. I wrote the challenges I faced during my undergrad, about doing what I do now, and what I want to do going forward (this is according to the professors there, not me). I did so in as business-like of a way as possible, but at the end of the day, I had to explain myself, too (UGPA sub-2.5, may explain the shopping list of rejections in my signature). You gotta be short and sweet with that stuff nonetheless. Anyways, OP sounds like she's kicked way more butt in her decade-more of living than I've done, so I gotta tip my hat to her.

@Nicole Gilbert I know how rejection feels, and I've worked long and hard to 'correct' my unconventional path as well (though not as long or as hard as it appears to have been for you!). I am mentally preparing myself to have to find a way to bounce back in the event that I'm rejected from all of my schools, even if ultimately I'm applying next year to all the same places without a whole lot of change on my CV between now and then. Maybe we do tweak our statements in a way like @nevermind kindly suggested- it's good advice, and it may be the ticket for you in the future. Don't be disheartened now, you've come too far and you've worked too hard. Your perseverance is your sword, and at this point I would say it is far from dull. In less than a year from now, you could be walking out on the other side of this application process with a smile on your face and a swell of pride in your heart. Have some wine, give your son a hug, and plot next year's victory as best you can.

 

[Nirvik]

9 hours ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

I'm completely devastated tonight. I know it is stupid but I applied to only one program this year. I selected the one I loved and put all my energy into it. I was in no position to do otherwise--I'm a school teacher and I could not move. I'm helping my son get through university and I can't move. The other programs in the area simply do not offer what I am looking for. 

Anyway, I applied. I put my brain, my heart and my soul into it. I have watched the boards and have seen that there was a recruitment weekend that I was not invited to; acceptance letters have been sent out and those who are fortunate enough to do so are making their decisions. I'm not among them. 

I have a weird background. I dropped out of high school, raised a child as a single parent, and worked hard through welfare reform to go to night school for my BA. I completed at the top of my class and went on to get a MA. Again, I graduated at the top of my class with a 4.0. I am a published author of creative non-fiction and of a textbook chapter for the American Counseling Association's book on social justice counseling practices. I have provided several teacher education professional learning seminars. I have been an educator in some of the poorest, most difficult schools for five years. I have great recommendations and nothing but exceptional evaluations...Yadah, yadah...I have my shit together. 

Anyway, here I am, 38, and I have weathered the storm. I didn't make the cut and I am struggling with these long-held insecurities that I am not good enough. I work at one of the hardest, most violent schools in the country and I dread returning next year. I had so hoped that I was good enough and could move on. I believe that my wierdo experience would make me an asset to a grad program. Apparently the admissions committee didn't agree. 

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

 

@Nicole Gilbert I agree with what everyone said is quite correct. The admissions committee usually try to find the perfect fit for the program. At least that's what they say. Nobody understands the dynamics of the admission process and hence it is difficult to estimate the correct reason for why your application got rejected. I can only give you my best and advise you to try applying once more. Except the next time, you might want to go for more than one school. Yes, this school was a perfect fit for you because you thought you served the purpose of fitting into the program. But I guess, the admissions committee didn't see that. 

So apply once more, express yourself professionally by telling them a lot about what you have achieved and if possible, try to keep your options open. Sometimes, the road to our goal is not straight and instead bent here and there. But yeah, if you keep a few options open, like figuring out what else you can go for that is very close to what you wanted to pursue in grad school. I would give you my example. I am a die hard fan of Machine Learning and Artificial Intelligence. I have been a huge a fan of AI since I first Spielberg's movie as a kid. I wanted to use AI to diagnose and treat cancer. It seems none of the school had the program that fit my choice. But instead, a professor contacted me with a different background (Graph Theory). I thought about giving it a shot. And Voila! she is working on cancer research as well. The only difference is that she is not using machine learning or AI, but since I have my fair share of knowledge on AI, she wants me to teach her students machine learning and AI as well. So I have possibilities of ending up as a TA.

So, what I would suggest you is that you should try again for the next session and apply to more than one school. Apply for programs that does not necessarily provide what you want, but something that's very close to what you want. Many professors claimed in Quora that students usually perform research in a different issue from the ones that they initially plan to pursue as part of their thesis. So yeah, take it easy on yourself, apply once more next year and keep your options open.

Good Luck !

Edited February 26, 2016 by Nirvik

[blubed]

11 hours ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

I definitely talked about my impoverished upbringing, and have met candidates from similar backgrounds so I wouldn't take this as an attack on your SES. I wouldn't take this as an attack at all. It's hard not to take it personally, but it absolutely is not personal. Once you realize that you'll feel better. [Tangent: if you choose to take this personally anyway, then use it as motivation to show the program that you can do well without them.] I was rejected from 11 schools outright, and then another after interviewing, and then another for the waitlist. I gave myself a couple nights to be disappointed, but then I moved on, and hoped for better news from the remaining schools. I have an admissions offer so I'll be a student this fall.

If I didn't get any offers, I'd be applying for jobs that will make sense to an admissions board. If I couldn't get a relevant job, I would still look for employment to pay the bills, and volunteer somewhere relevant. You don't want to have a lapse in your CV where it looks like you just changed your mind about your future (assuming you want to apply to similar programs next year). So a solid Plan B or Plan C is important. It sounds like you're a teacher so use the summer as time to apply for more programs. I have friends that are teachers and they've moved a couple times without tremendous strain. Is there anyway you can help your son after moving? How old is he? 

Cut yourself some slack, too. You applied to one school. VERY rarely is that a successful situation. I hope you're able to apply more broadly soon and then see the benefit of applying to more than one program.

tl; dr. Have some wine. Have your favorite snack. Be around your favorite people. Love yourself. Don't doubt your abilities. Try again. Try more than one program.

[Nirvik]

7 minutes ago, blubed said:

tl; dr. Have some wine. Have your favorite snack. Be around your favorite people. Love yourself. Don't doubt your abilities. Try again. Try more than one program.

Very well said. When I got too anxious and mailed the grad school admission coordinator, he/she said something like, "We give out the admission results by April 15th or until funds are available. If you are are not admitted, then please do not think that you are not good for a PhD. It's just that your application did not fit the program requirements in terms of research or we have too many applicants and we are unable to offer seats to everyone." Something along these lines.

So it makes sense to not doubt our own abilities and try again next season.

[Nicole Gilbert]

Friends, I want to thank you. I am planning on applying to several programs next cycle; my son will finish his BA next year and will also be applying to grad school. I'll have more room to move and I'm sure I'll land in the right program. 

I still have not officially received the rejection. The page still says "Decision Pending" and they say that we will know next week. Since there was already a recruitment weekend and acceptance letters have gone out, I'm not sure why they haven't officially sent the rejections. I don't want to indulge myself in any false hope--the jig is up--and I really am trying to just move on. 

About the personal statement: I spoke with my POI before applying and she is a the coolest, most approachable person. We had a great conversation and she gave me a lot of advice about my application, specifically my CV and personal statement. She was encouraging and seemed impressed with my professional background and publications. She was interested in my specific research and said I sounded like a good fit for her. She also said most people make the mistake of not being personal and said that the faculty really wants to have a sense of who candidates are and what genuinely motivates them. It's an educational theory Ph.D. so similarly to many social science disciplines personal background is regarded as pretty relevant. I am interested in researching achievement and opportunity gaps within specific populations. Mine is a story about how I was disenfranchised in the education system, and how I was ultimately able to transcend my limitations through education. I became an educator for reasons that are exemplified by my personal experience; I am becoming a researcher/teacher educator for reasons that are attached to my personal activism.  Now I am really wondering where the balance is in what to share and not share. 

Anyway, I could beat the living hell out of this dead horse--and have. I know that what you all say is right on the money. It is a weird process, you never know what is going to tip the admissions committee toward or away from you. I am confident that there were many impressive candidates. It just didn't go my way this time. Perhaps when I am a tenured professor someday and mentoring grad students this experience will give me more compassion for their process. For now, I am going to take these wine bottles out to the recycle bin, get myself cleaned up and focus on giving my students what they need for the rest of this year while I come up with a solid plan for next year's employment and applications. Thanks for the community support and kindness. Good luck to each of you on your journies. 

[Nirvik]

26 minutes ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

Friends, I want to thank you. I am planning on applying to several programs next cycle; my son will finish his BA next year and will also be applying to grad school. I'll have more room to move and I'm sure I'll land in the right program. 

I still have not officially received the rejection. The page still says "Decision Pending" and they say that we will know next week. Since there was already a recruitment weekend and acceptance letters have gone out, I'm not sure why they haven't officially sent the rejections. I don't want to indulge myself in any false hope--the jig is up--and I really am trying to just move on. 

About the personal statement: I spoke with my POI before applying and she is a the coolest, most approachable person. We had a great conversation and she gave me a lot of advice about my application, specifically my CV and personal statement. She was encouraging and seemed impressed with my professional background and publications. She was interested in my specific research and said I sounded like a good fit for her. She also said most people make the mistake of not being personal and said that the faculty really wants to have a sense of who candidates are and what genuinely motivates them. It's an educational theory Ph.D. so similarly to many social science disciplines personal background is regarded as pretty relevant. I am interested in researching achievement and opportunity gaps within specific populations. Mine is a story about how I was disenfranchised in the education system, and how I was ultimately able to transcend my limitations through education. I became an educator for reasons that are exemplified by my personal experience; I am becoming a researcher/teacher educator for reasons that are attached to my personal activism.  Now I am really wondering where the balance is in what to share and not share. 

Anyway, I could beat the living hell out of this dead horse--and have. I know that what you all say is right on the money. It is a weird process, you never know what is going to tip the admissions committee toward or away from you. I am confident that there were many impressive candidates. It just didn't go my way this time. Perhaps when I am a tenured professor someday and mentoring grad students this experience will give me more compassion for their process. For now, I am going to take these wine bottles out to the recycle bin, get myself cleaned up and focus on giving my students what they need for the rest of this year while I come up with a solid plan for next year's employment and applications. Thanks for the community support and kindness. Good luck to each of you on your journies. 

That's the spirit! I am happy to hear that you have decided to give it a go once again and although we haven't known each other, I would like to wish you the very best of luck. I think your discussion with you POI turned out to be quite fruitful. So yeah, have a great year and hope to see you become a grad student next year.

Good luck once again

[ALSA]

On 2/26/2016 at 7:02 AM, Nicole Gilbert said:

I'm completely devastated tonight. I know it is stupid but I applied to only one program this year. I selected the one I loved and put all my energy into it. I was in no position to do otherwise--I'm a school teacher and I could not move. I'm helping my son get through university and I can't move. The other programs in the area simply do not offer what I am looking for. 

Anyway, I applied. I put my brain, my heart and my soul into it. I have watched the boards and have seen that there was a recruitment weekend that I was not invited to; acceptance letters have been sent out and those who are fortunate enough to do so are making their decisions. I'm not among them. 

I have a weird background. I dropped out of high school, raised a child as a single parent, and worked hard through welfare reform to go to night school for my BA. I completed at the top of my class and went on to get a MA. Again, I graduated at the top of my class with a 4.0. I am a published author of creative non-fiction and of a textbook chapter for the American Counseling Association's book on social justice counseling practices. I have provided several teacher education professional learning seminars. I have been an educator in some of the poorest, most difficult schools for five years. I have great recommendations and nothing but exceptional evaluations...Yadah, yadah...I have my shit together. 

Anyway, here I am, 38, and I have weathered the storm. I didn't make the cut and I am struggling with these long-held insecurities that I am not good enough. I work at one of the hardest, most violent schools in the country and I dread returning next year. I had so hoped that I was good enough and could move on. I believe that my wierdo experience would make me an asset to a grad program. Apparently the admissions committee didn't agree. 

Here is my stupid question that you don't have an answer to either: How do I get through this and how do I plan my future? Does my impoverished an unconventional past make me less viable a candidate? Does the academy only love to study and romanticize the poor so long as they don't have to include us in the conversation? Is there a place for me? Should I drink more wine? Oh Lord! Maybe I just need some company tonight. Rough time, friends. Rough times, indeed. 

 

I have a similar experience, last year I applied for two programs and I have not gotten accepted, this year I applied for 8 programs. planning to add more 2, and I already had rejected from 3 programs, and I also have a very successful career, score ,, etc what they are looking for? I applied for a master degree. I hope you get accepted in your dream program

[COGSCI]

One thing I would like to add is that you are lacking research experience (at least you did not mention it in your post). Even if you are applying for a PhD in social sciences/education, it would be helpful for you to gain some research experience. Perhaps you could reach out to your POI again and see if she has anything available for you. Many profs in sociology and educational psychology might be doing something similar to your research goal. I would also look into those programs!

You have done so well for yourself. Just because you didn't get into the only program that you applied to this year does not mean anything. You have a strong drive and you will succeed in the end! I applied to 6 doctoral program this year and only got into one. Thankfully it was my top 3 and is fully funded  

hope you can get some good news next year ! 

[thepinkdragon76]

Last year I only applied to one school and was rejected. This year I'm applying to the same school for a different program, one I have a lifetime background in, and yet there is still a chance, even with good recommendation letters etc that they will say no. I learned that I had to step back and not take it personally. It was a 50/50 shot when I applied for the MSW and they said I needed more experience. I'm now in more like a 60/40 chance at a MSIT but there is no guarantee. Just don't give up. Keep trying, and good luck.

[Nicole Gilbert]

Okay, so I spoke too soon, friends. I was waiting for my formal rejection because I was not invited to the recruitment weekend. Today I got a very personal email from my POI informing me that I was accepted!  I am completely over the moon. Thank you for all the support and encouragement! I'm getting a Ph.D.! 

[Bothriolepis]

Congratulations, that's great news! Best of luck with the PhD 

[thepinkdragon76]

Hooray!!! I am so very happy for you! Congrats!!!!

 

 

As for me, I got the email my application has been time stamped will be presented to the admissions staff sometime this week. I just submitted it yesterday so now I'm in complete panic mode, since I'm also waiting to hear back from my POI for an appointment time tomorrow to discuss the CyberCorps Scholarship for Service. He is also who I put down as my POI in my application and I'd like to meet with him before they decide. Eek!

[Nirvik]

4 hours ago, Nicole Gilbert said:

Okay, so I spoke too soon, friends. I was waiting for my formal rejection because I was not invited to the recruitment weekend. Today I got a very personal email from my POI informing me that I was accepted!  I am completely over the moon. Thank you for all the support and encouragement! I'm getting a Ph.D.! 

Life doth work in mysterious ways, won't you say?  Anyways, Congratulations! 

[lovedeep]

On 3/1/2016 at 7:54 AM, Nicole Gilbert said:

Okay, so I spoke too soon, friends. I was waiting for my formal rejection because I was not invited to the recruitment weekend. Today I got a very personal email from my POI informing me that I was accepted!  I am completely over the moon. Thank you for all the support and encouragement! I'm getting a Ph.D.! 

Congratulations! I am really happy for you