Boyfriend and grad school... How to manage

[Kelsie]

I was just accepted into a M.S. for marine biology program with a TAship in southern maine... Problem is my boyfriend is currently living and working in Massachusetts. Our relationship is very serious, he graduated a year before me and moved half way across the country to live in MA with the plan to move in together once I graduate. I know commuting into school (1:20 one way) would be a lot to handle, and I know that I would be really devastated to not take our relationship to the next level.. But at the same time I know turning down an opportunity like this isn't exactly ideal either. I am willing to commute but im not sure how I could handle the commitment. Waiting to hear back from two other schools but just looking for people's thoughts if I don't get in anywhere else and this is my only option. Stupid to reject it and take a year off and reapply? 

[Pokeabun]

I suggest talking it out. Really depends on what you and your partner want. I'm in the same boat, but more long distance. We'll be in different countries, time zones etc. but planning on making it work. Fingers crossed!  

[bandinterwebs]

Would he be willing to move to a halfway point so that you both share the commute? I knew a girl at a top two program, and her husband was attending med school at another university, and they lived in between the two universities. She said she didn't mind the (45 minute) commute - she just planned around it. She is the golden child of the department, has multiple job offers, and is happily married. Seems doable!

I was speaking to a friend about my situation. My boyfriend and I are serious as well, and he is willing to move anywhere with me, but we both prioritize being near family as we consider marriage, children etc. For me, this means potentially turning down top 5 programs for top 10 programs (to be fair, there is a top ten program that would be close to his family and a good fit for me). It scares me a bit to turn down a top 5 program, but my friend gave me this advice: You don't always get an easy decision. Every choice you make has an opportunity cost. You just have to make sure you can live with the cost. 

As Pokeabun suggests, talk it out. Define your options. Weigh the costs of each decision. Best of luck!

[juilletmercredi]

There's also the option of living apart for 2 years. An hour and a half isn't so bad - that's close enough to visit each other almost every weekend. My husband and I have done this before, three times - once for four years when we were about 2 hours apart; then once for a year when we were 4 hours apart; and now, for what will be 9 months, when we're 2,600 miles (a plane ride) apart. This one sucks the worst because you can't simply pop on a plane. The 2-hour separation seems like a breeze by comparison.

The time goes by quickly, but it's really up to you what you're willing to do.

[charlemagne88]

On 3/11/2016 at 6:00 AM, juilletmercredi said:

There's also the option of living apart for 2 years. An hour and a half isn't so bad - that's close enough to visit each other almost every weekend. My husband and I have done this before, three times - once for four years when we were about 2 hours apart; then once for a year when we were 4 hours apart; and now, for what will be 9 months, when we're 2,600 miles (a plane ride) apart. This one sucks the worst because you can't simply pop on a plane. The 2-hour separation seems like a breeze by comparison.

The time goes by quickly, but it's really up to you what you're willing to do.

I agree completely. Above everything else, you have to do what's best for you. Turning down a program for a boyfriend, regardless of how "serious" it is is just not smart. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. Do you!

[DrZoidberg]

Do not turn down an offer because it is 1.2 hours from your boyfriend. Turn it down if you don't like it there or find a better place or it is a toxic environment but do not do it because of a commute which is doable. 

You can absolutely do your degree and live with your boyfriend if you want. My partner's job is 2 hours from my position. I commute 1.5 hours each way, he commutes 30 minutes. It's not great, commuting is tough, and if it wasn't because I start my PhD in a few months closer to his work we would have found a home halfway. But that would have been fine for both of us, if we both get to do what we love while being together, we can deal with a commute of ~ 1 hour. A lot of grad students are not so lucky. Your boyfriend moved halfway across the country and you managed to get into a program that is in driving distance of his job - that is a pretty difficult thing to do, so congratulations! Remember that your dreams and aspirations are important and worth the effort. Ask him to find something halfway between your school and his job, or whatever makes sense for driving/public transport. Good relationships should be able to deal with these kinds of compromises and this is definitely not a situation where you should feel like you have to chose between your relationship and your career. And if your boyfriend makes you feel like that, then you should seriously ask yourself whether that is a reasonable request.

Edited March 22, 2016 by DrZoidberg