Managing romantic relationships while attending grad school in a different city/ country?

[Dragonstone]

I understand much of this forum is partial to academics, yet I'm surprised at finding so little discussion on this particular topic.

For people going to grad school in a different city/ country, how are you planning to handle romantic relationships? For people already in/ having graduated grad school, how did your relationships work out? I'm specifically looking for what people did - long-distance, take a break, breakup altogether - in cases where you couldn't see each other for months, or even a year.

I'm trying to get a feel of how others managed, was it even possible to manage, what difficulties were faced, did things fall apart etc. (and if they did fall apart, there's the whole question of if you think that was a bad way to start grad school.)

Thanks in advance for sharing. ^__^

 

 

Edited March 22, 2016 by Dragonstone

[Ethan M]

I see it as a test of relationship. Even though it is said that long distance relationships don't work, you got to push through and make things work. You gotta at least try. I know it would be tough to maintain a long distance relationship. But if you could actually successfully manage it, then I think you guys are meant to be. Take it as a challenge and see how much can you sacrifice for the sake of your relationship.     

[Need Coffee in an IV]

My boyfriend and I were long distance for 6 months when he went to grad school. He decided that grad school wasn't for him, so he came back. We decided that we will not do long distance again so he's been waiting to apply for jobs until I decide where I want to go for grad school. It's looking like Texas though! I would have to say it sucked at first but got a little better. The way we did it, was we talked over skype at least 2-3 hours per week and casually emailed throughout the day. We also had set dates for when we would visit each other. So we basically made time for each other.

[AmandaN]

Long distance is never ideal but it is definitely doable. I've been long distance with my SO for a year now and it will be another year before we close the distance for good. We have skype dates a few nights a week, kik/text daily and always have our next visit scheduled. Honestly the time difference is the biggest issue (for us it's 8 hours) so if you're in different states with a minimal time difference communication is much simpler. In many ways I find it easier to focus on my job and academics when I have the house to myself and don't have to worry about anyone else's daily needs. If you're on the same page about staying together and able to be honest about your wants and needs a long distance relationship can be very fulfilling. A good support system makes a huge difference as well, friends and colleagues who you can vent to and spend time with definitely help keep you sane.

 

[Septerra]

My SO have been long distance for about a year. She went off to grad school about 3.5 hours driving distance from me. However, she decided it was not for her and she plans to move with me to the program city I choose. Long distance was hard, especially for my SO, who was was going through a process of trying to redefine her career goals and questioning her decisions without friends or family near by.

However, I am more worried about how things will be once I get my PhD and search for a job. With the academic market the way it is, I will be lucky if I can find adjunct or visiting professor positions for a year at a time. Meanwhile, my SO is looking into pursuing a new career, and it may take her in a different direction. Is it fair to ask her to accompany me around the country for 2-3 years while I work temporary positions in hopes of acquiring a TT position? I am not sure, but I suppose it's never good to count one's chickens before they hatch.

[Paper Moon]

My good friend and her husband lived in different countries on the other side of the world for 2 years. They're very honest with each other, they talk on Skype at least everyday for about 10 minutes in the morning and at night, and they saw each other twice a year. It's definitely doable, but it helps that they'd been together for 10 years and married for most of that, so they already had a really strong bond and a lot of time and energy invested in each other. They also had a solid plan and timeline for when the long distance part would end. This, I should add, is not the first time they were long-distance either.
 

They aren't posessive and controlling of each other and let the other one do what makes them happy. I think they are a really good model of what a partnership could be and the kind of loving and supportive relationship I would hope for anyone. They are together because they both want to be with the other, not because they feel like they have to be, but they know that they have individual lives to live and would never try to pressure the other into doing something they don't want to do.

I should add that they are in an open relationship. It's not for everyone, but it works for them. They're really honest with each other and constantly check in to see how the other feels. If one was ever uncomfortable with the arrangement, they would stop. I know other open relationships that failed because they weren't honest with each other about their feelings, so it's something both people have to really be on board with and really considerate of the other person's feelings with.

I think in all relationships, whatever the circumstances, communication is key. If you don't tell the other one how you really feel, then they won't know.

 

 

[Pitangus]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for almost 4 years now, with one more year to go until I finish my PhD (hopefully). We are 15 hours apart by car and see each other 2 - 3 times per year for 1 - 4 weeks at time. 

Why I think it has worked for us:

- We've been a couple for 9 years and friends for almost 20, so we were committed to each other even before the question of long distance arose. By the time I applied to grad programs, we were also past the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship, or at least the part that often makes a couple feel as though they can't bear to live apart, which goes along with the second point below. 

- We are independent people pursuing careers that we enjoy, so we have enough going on in our lives to keep us engaged and busy, and this helps cut down on time spent actively missing each other. I am particularly immune to loneliness and enjoy living on my own, which made the big move for grad school less stressful for me. My boyfriend admittedly has a harder time being alone, but fortunately he is still in our home state amongst our families and friends.  

- We've planned from the beginning that the distance is temporary, and that I will either return to our home state after finishing my program, or we will both move somewhere that works for both of us. I'm not really set on one sort of job or another; I will take what I can get in a given location. 

- We have a shared hobby (video games) that serves as both entertainment and a way to communicate regularly. 

In my opinion, it is worth it to try long distance if both people are willing. If the distance becomes too much, if the couple grows apart and/or if new people come into play, then that would be the time to end it. Before that though, if the couple is committed, I don't see the harm in staying together. It is just important that both people are upfront about their expectations at the start and then are honest throughout when/if changes arise.  

[michelle_d]

My husband and I have had to do long distance a few times since our marriage due to my active duty status in the military.  We lived together for about 3 years before our long distance periods began.  First was 2 months of basic training, then 4 months of A-School on the other side of the country.  After that was about 1.5 years when I was stationed in Detroit and he found a job back home in New Jersey.  We've made it through all of that.  Now we're facing a possible 4-5 year separation because my dream MPhil/PhD Economics program is at Oxford.  His focus is on logging the years at his job to get vested in his pension program.  It's hard to do long distance, and that wouldn't be any different for school.  I will be honest that the gradually increasing nature of my and my husband's time apart is what makes a school separation something we can consider without too much anxiety.  We've been sort of worked up to it.

It's important for you each to have a social network outside of each other.  Time that you now spend together will feel empty if you don't develop other people to spend some of that time with.  I didn't have that kind of network in Detroit when my husband left for NJ and it made that 1.5 years horrible compared to the training environments where my class was automatically my social network.  By the end of my time there, I had started going out with a few other women from work, and it completely changed the feeling of the separation on my end.  It wasn't fun, but it was tolerable.

Try to both have common experiences despite separation.  See the same movie so you can talk about it later, or read a book together.  My husband won our Infinite Jest challenge, but before I had to throw in the towel, we were trading opinions on the book, offering theories back and forth as to what the heck was going on.  That felt closer than sitting around saying "I miss you," over and over.  We were also both involved with a couple friends in an attempt to write a web series (video production is a hobby for both of us).  We ran the sessions via Skype because I was in Michigan, my husband was in central New Jersey, and our friends were in Queens, NYC.  We kept our documents in Google Docs that we all had access to.  Seeing not just my husband but my friends every week that way was incredibly helpful.

Having an ending in sight is huge.  In Detroit "I just have to make it [insert appropriate number here] more months," became my mantra.  It was the light at the end of the tunnel.  By the time I leave the CG and finish a PhD, my husband will be vested in his pension system and we can reevaluate where I look for work or where he is willing to move to at that point.  I'm confident we can survive 4-5 years of separation by making it a point to visit each other once per year for a couple weeks.  He is near his large family here in NJ.  I will have a class to integrate into at school.  That gives us social networks.  We're both voracious readers, so we'll keep that up.  And if I'm in the UK I'll have incentive to go out and explore in part so we can spend his visits to me doing fun things.

I hope my experience so far in the military is helpful to those of you facing a separation due to school location.  It is difficult, but it is doable.

[kwils76]

My boyfriend and I had been together about a year and a half when he moved cross-country for a new job as I finished up undergrad. Then I went to graduate school for a masters degree overseas.

In total we were very long distance for 2 years - now we live together in the European city I got my masters in and are planning a move to my new PhD city in the US together in the summer!

As others have said, it's definitely doable, with the right attitude and when you both know you are right for each other and breaking up just isn't on the table.

We Skyped regularly, texted/google messaged one another throughout the day, every day, all day, and sent care packages and handwritten letters about once a month also. We also made sure we each visited the other twice a year - so we got to see each other every three months - and tried to take a trip or do something memorable on those visits so we would be making memories with one another that we could always reflect on and reminisce about!

I won't pretend it wasn't difficult, but it was definitely doable and definitely, definitely worth it!