Blast it, I *knew* this was going to happen

[Sparky]

Warning: this is very emo and angsty and all that jazz. Read with the same empathy for people blowing little things out of proportion that you employed when you read poetry your friends posted on their LJs in high school. Thanks.

So I have my SOPs just about finished, except for the "fit" paragraphs in each one. And this is the hardest part.

I cannot make myself list out the reasons I want to go to each of these schools. It's not that the reasons don't exist, or that I don't know them. But I can't write them out. I won't--can't--allow myself to go to the department website and look up the names of the professors who specialize in my secondary field of interest, I can't go look up the proper name of [school]'s really cool manuscript collection, I can't...I can't allow myself to dream. Because I knew, I knew that as soon as I started to write these paragraphs, I would get my hopes up.

I can't do that. Not when the program accepts one person per field, or accepts only 10% of the people who apply and even then not everyone gets funding. I don't want to go into personal details, but suffice to say that when applying to undergrad, I was accepted to my dream school early in the year only to be rejected in the summer through no fault of my own (truly; it's...complicated), and I know how devastated I was. I let myself dream, I let myself fantasize, and I got completely destroyed. I do not have the emotional strength to go through that again. When I applied for M.A.s, I very purposefully did not apply to my dream program, because I knew I couldn't handle a rejection.

Last night, when I was finally starting this part, I told myself I could keep it objective, that I could separate myself from this. But I can't. I can feel the hope and the excitement rising, and, well, DO NOT WANT.

...But...if I can't get through these @$!& paragraphs, I have zero chance at these schools. And a Ph.D is something I very much do want.

Do any of you have the same or similar feelings? How did you get past them?

How do I get rid of the hope?

[tarski]

Do any of you have the same or similar feelings? How did you get past them?

Deadlines and/or desire to be done .

How do I get rid of the hope?

Irrelevant; apply and see .

Postscript: The act of writing the fit paragraph made me realize that some universities needed to be removed from my list.

Edited November 25, 2009 by tarski

[JennyFieldsOriginal]

i have dream programs myself. i fantasize about going there, about getting the acceptance letter, i envision the excitement, etc. i don't get fixated on JUST ONE school though. i have many programs i'm dying to go to and i'm applying to ALL of them. i'm an english lit PhD applicant, so perhaps my range of options is more broad, but i'm applying to 13 schools.

there are some on the list that don't make it into my grad school daydreams. there are some programs i'm not drooling over.

the thing to do is keep your eye on the prize: the PhD, the tenure track position (one day!).

apply to schools that would happily attend, even if they aren't all your number one choice.

the most important thing for me is that i get in SOMEWHERE. i know that the acceptance rates paint a pretty dismal picture, but i tell myself that all i care about is being able to go to school next year. i know i'm going to be rejected from a ton of schools. but i can physically only attend one university unless i figure out how to clone myself before the fall semester (not likely since i'm in the humanities).

you can have the fantasy all you want, but just make sure you downgrade what you put all your hopes and dreams onto.

for me the fantasy is yale, i'll be crushed if i get in absolutely nowhere.

don't know if that helps at all, but i hope it does.

this process is awful and difficult and nausea inducing but this time next year you will be happily working on a PhD, and all because you bucked up and got to work on those fit paragraphs. now have at it and best of luck!

[melusine]

I used to work as an RA from a prof who expected me to research everything, and their mother's dry-cleaning..

So when I write my fit paragraphs, I just pretend it's yet another research project/background check thingie I'm doing for work.

Also, when trying to tune my sop to the school, I get so immersed in linguistic/stylistic intricacies that I don't really have time to daydream about all the wonderful possibilities.

If all else fails, you can always chant, mantra-like, "che sera, sera.."

basically, put it in perspective> what's the worst that could happen??

you could be disappointed.

oh well, like my boyfriend says, "failure is a part of life"

the best part is that you can always try again, or even change your mind and do something else

[UnlikelyGrad]

Do any of you have the same or similar feelings? How did you get past them?

How do I get rid of the hope?

Those feelings are normal, at least for people who've tried (and failed) at big endeavors in the past. (And they certainly aren't limited to grad school applications, I assure you!)

Don't get rid of the hope. Without hope for a positive outcome, action will never be taken. Just balance the hope with a healthy dose of realism.

Remember, you don't know how high you can fly until you try.

Plus, (sings): "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream...how you going to make a dream come true?" (Virtual brownies to anyone who can name the musical.)

[peppermint.beatnik]

Those feelings are normal, at least for people who've tried (and failed) at big endeavors in the past. (And they certainly aren't limited to grad school applications, I assure you!)

Don't get rid of the hope. Without hope for a positive outcome, action will never be taken. Just balance the hope with a healthy dose of realism.

Remember, you don't know how high you can fly until you try.

Plus, (sings): "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream...how you going to make a dream come true?" (Virtual brownies to anyone who can name the musical.)

I agree with above. I also like this quote: "Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit." Conrad Hilton

I looked the quote up after Hilton was a character on my fav show, "Mad Men."

[captiv8ed]

I *heart* Mad Men!

I am going through the same thing sort of. My favorite program is quite impractical. Across the country, expensive area, really difficult to get into. I had been in the mode of, "I hope I don't get accepted because then I won't have to figure it all out." But I sent an email to my favorite professor there and he wrote me back to say he would be happy to work with me if I am admitted and that was it!!

[newday123]

Hi. I sometimes feel as you do, waivering between feeling excited about a certain program and feeling fearful about the whole application process.

I invite you to step back and look at the big picture. You cannot turn off hope (unless you're a Vulcan, that is). Just remember that applying to graduate schools - as important as it is - is just one of all those worthy goals that you'll be tackling in your life. The attainment of any worthy goal will demand all of your resources - if not more. Expect lessons to accompany any future disappointments and rejections.

Ask yourself whether you'd rather not do your best on those SOP's and risk ending up nowhere. You can't win if you don't play the game.

Writing SOP's is a little bit like writing research papers for class, at least for me. I told myself that I will be writing many more papers and grant applications during grad school, and if I don't like doing it, then I have no business applying. "You like research," I would remind myself. I've found that once I get in the flow of researching programs and professors, I forget about my fears. It's exciting to find out how professors' research would fit with my interests (or vice versa). Come to think of it, I'm starting the preliminary work on my dissertation!

Get over youself and focus on THE WORK. Stop getting in your own way!

[newday123]

Another strategy is to imagine yourself working at soul-killing corporate jobs: mopping the bathroom floor at McDonald's, getting bored to death and paper cuts as a file clerk, doing data entry incessantly as a temp, etc.

[cckrspnl56]

Another strategy is to imagine yourself working at soul-killing corporate jobs: mopping the bathroom floor at McDonald's, getting bored to death and paper cuts as a file clerk, doing data entry incessantly as a temp, etc.

He's getting his Ph.D. in history/religion. McDonald's is not out of the question. <duck>

But yeah, it's a good thing that you're emotionally connected to your grad school applications. If anything, your passion will come through in the paragraph and increase your chances of getting in.

[Sparky]

Thank you, everyone. This did help. I really appreciate it. I am finished with one SOP now, probably the second-hardest, so that's also helping.

My favorite program is quite impractical. Across the country, expensive area, really difficult to get into. I had been in the mode of, "I hope I don't get accepted because then I won't have to figure it all out." But I sent an email to my favorite professor there and he wrote me back to say he would be happy to work with me if I am admitted and that was it!!

Hah! This is my situation EXACTLY. (Not "hah" as in "haha someone else is suffering like me," but "hah" as in oh the bitter irony...)

Plus, (sings): "You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream...how you going to make a dream come true?" (Virtual brownies to anyone who can name the musical.)

And see? I even get virtual brownies out of this thread, because, well, South Pacific. Can the brownies have frosting and little colored sprinkles on top?

He's getting his Ph.D. in history/religion. McDonald's is not out of the question. <duck>

Well, I am female (the religion thing trips people up, I know--religion is almost 70% male and my concentration is worse), but no, illo desideres Solarum tuberosum frixum* is probably not out of the question. Although, there's always youth ministry.

_{*Probably incorrect. And let's not talk about why I know the scientific name for 'potato.'}

[coyabean]

Postscript: The act of writing the fit paragraph made me realize that some universities needed to be removed from my list.

Me too. If I couldn't convince them in the SOP I took that as a bad sign.

To the OP: it depends on how good you are at deluding yourself. AS soon as I submit my app I pretend I don't want to go to their stupid/elitest/no name/insert whatever school anyway.

Edited November 27, 2009 by coyabean

[UnlikelyGrad]

Thank you, everyone. This did help. I really appreciate it. I am finished with one SOP now, probably the second-hardest, so that's also helping.

Go Sparky, go!! I hated writing SoPs too. I was soooo glad when that was over. And now that I'm a grad student...I get to write fellowship proposals.

And see? I even get virtual brownies out of this thread, because, well, South Pacific. Can the brownies have frosting and little colored sprinkles on top?

C'mon, they're virtual brownies! I can make them any way you like!

[LateAntique]

My advisor basically told me to sit down and try to assess the situation whenever I got stressed. He basically said to ask myself what the absolute worst outcome is and then try to determine how likely that outcome is. For one, the outcome is not so bad (I will still be a college graduate even if I get in nowhere) and the likelihood of not getting in anywhere at all seems pretty slim. I imagine the case is the same for you.

[Amanda]

My advisor basically told me to sit down and try to assess the situation whenever I got stressed. He basically said to ask myself what the absolute worst outcome is and then try to determine how likely that outcome is.

Awesome advice for anyone in the grad school application process.

[sometimesiexist]

My advisor basically told me to sit down and try to assess the situation whenever I got stressed. He basically said to ask myself what the absolute worst outcome is and then try to determine how likely that outcome is. For one, the outcome is not so bad (I will still be a college graduate even if I get in nowhere) and the likelihood of not getting in anywhere at all seems pretty slim. I imagine the case is the same for you.

I have to do this on a daily basis almost. I just have to keep reminding myself that I won't be waiting tables in a diner forever and subsequently becoming an alcoholic , even if grad school isn't what happens next for me, and I do have to wait tables in a diner for a little longer and become an alcoholic for a little while. Also, permanent waitresshood is a really good motivation to make my applications as good as possible.