Surprise Pregnancy

[conflictedA]

I recently got into a prestigious 2 year on-campus program and accepted. Shortly after, I found out that I am pregnant. I have decided that I am going to keep the baby, but I still don't want it to deter my plan to go to graduate school. I would have the child in December, so could possibly have winter break to recover and stay home with the child. Do you guys think it is wise to instead take a year off or possibly reapply to other schools that begin in spring or apply to distance education programs? Really I have no clue what to do. Does anyone have any experience with this? The program is in another state and my hubby and I would be moving to a place where he and I would not have any family support. This is my first time having a child so I am unsure what to expect. It was not planned and yes I was properly protecting myself.

[fuzzylogician]

I moved this post to a more appropriate location. 

Suggestion: in this sub-forum (Officially Grads), run a search on keywords like "baby" and "pregnant". There are quite a few discussions. I was going to post links here to recent discussions that I remember but the search led to more results than it makes sense to post here, so I'd suggest you just do the same search yourself  

[fernandes]

I have no experience on this topic and really can't help you out, but I wanted to send you a message to wish you the best. I hope other users can give you some advice.

[Neist]

I have not had a baby/child while in graduate school, but I have experienced being a father to a newborn while working full-time and going to school full-time. My experiences don't directly parallel, but I'll try to give my perspective. But first, a few questions:

1. Do you or your spouse currently have a stable income and insurance where you're at currently?
2. If you move, will you be without insurance to take care of delivery and pediatric care of the baby? If you have insurance through the school, does it include maternity coverage?
3. Will the school allow you to defer for a year?
4. Will or can your spouse stay home and help take care of the baby while you're in graduate school?

If the answers to these is yes, then I'd defer for a year, have the baby, then attend next year. However, if there's not a financial disincentive to moving (e.g., lack of insurance or a necessity for your husband to work), it's probably doable, albeit rough.

A newborn is very time consuming, and you'll be exhausted taking care of one. Could you manage school while taking care of a newborn? Probably, but would you want to take care of a newborn during your first year of your program? That's the real question. You'll probably be operating on very little sleep for the first year, or at least the first six months.

Just my two cents, and my advice shouldn't be regarded as gospel. It's just what I'd consider before deciding.

[drivingthoughts]

@conflictedA First off, congratulations! Second, I'm a dude, so take this with a grain of salt: I think you might want to defer for a year and/or go to a school near one of your personal support networks (i.e. your, or your husband's, family). 

This might by tl;dr, but here it is...

I'm the father of 2 beautiful, and I think, well-adjusted little girls - both of whom were born during my 3-year, full-time masters. I was a full-time student, part-time worker, and new dad. My wife has an executive level career and works 50+ hours a week - and was stuck with America's horrible maternity leave policies. The only way I think that this could have possibly worked out is because one of the schools I wanted to go to was in my wife's hometown - since we knew we were going to have a baby, we went with that offer of admission. I can't imagine doing what we did without grandparents & friends helping us out. Even so, 4 years and a second little girl in to this, we're just beginning to get into a regular pattern of sleep (may yours sleep more consistently, I pray). I don't know how speech pathology maps onto theology, but trying to parse Hebrew at 8 in the morning after having not slept for a few nights is challenging at the least, and I wasn't even the one feeding the little angels (at least until they learned how bottles work)!

That said - if your heart is set on the school, I think you can do it, it just a little harder. Some thoughts:

• Can you do the program part-time, or 3/4 time? I have friends w/ kids and no local support network who did this & everything worked out just fine.
• Many programs will also let you take an extended family/medical leave - so you could do the first semester, take the second one off, and return in the fall.
• Do you qualify for WIC (high income limit)? That can take a huge financial load off, and might line you up for childcare assistance (lower income limit).
• Have you priced full-time childcare in the neighborhood you'd be moving to? It can be prohibitively expensive, like $200-$400 a week depending on where you are / the level of care. And sadly, you really get what you pay for. We had our girls in full-time care, but as a student, I had summers off, so I could just stay home and play with them all summer and save a few thousand - which is more than I would have made working a 3 month job and a lot more fun. 
• I know a number of people who found other parents of young kids in their neighborhood and basically started a co-op of childcare, that freed up lots of time.
• Are you prepared for the guilt of doing homework when you could be playing with your new bundle of joy? Personally, this killed me as a new grad. student until I learned to manage my time better. Being a graduate student is a full-time job in itself, can you keep it contained in the 40 hours of daycare-time? (I couldn't)
• To save $$ on full-time childcare w/ two kids (prohibitively expensive to the grad-school budget), I watched the girls on the days I didn't have class. This makes for a killer work load and you have to be super-disciplined. 
• Bonus of being far from grandparents - no over the shoulder "parenting" advice. I've got wonderful in-laws, so this wasn't an issue, but I know some folk who really wished they had an excuse to move a few states away.
• Religious or not, churches are a great place to find mom-related support and get plugged into the neighborhood's parenting world.
• Some schools have built-in early childhood development centers - does yours? They sometimes provide a hefty discount to students.
• Can you afford a nanny? That might be an option is you have a good source of income. How about someone to clean your house? That last one might seem excessive, but it's not. A bi-monthly visit by a maid service isn't prohibitively expensive and will make you feel worlds better.
• Are there any other parents in your cohort? They might be good sources.
• PM me if you want more, or have specific questions that I might be able to answer.
• Graduate school is tough, expensive, stressful - having little ones around sure is a good way to keep oneself grounded and focused on what matters.

 

 

[Concordia]

Lots of excellent advice.  

We had our first while I was doing the MBA-type thing, second semester.  My wife was all gung-ho to be a mom, which caused its own problems. Still, it took the heat off my studies.

For the sake of which (as well as for your marriage), do try to line up some kind of relief for child and household care.  Not to take away from the bonding, but you will need to have some time away, and also have enough security to do that without guilt.  Nanny, maid, family, trustworthy undergraduate-- whatever works for you. But don't get trapped in your home where nobody will see how you're doing.