1 year down, not ready to go back

[Eye_ball]

I've always had a hard time leaving home. All through undergrad I would cry most of my drives back to school and that was when I only lived a few hours away. Last summer I moved 11 hours away from home to start my grad program. The first year went really fast and I had a few rough patches, but I made it. Now I'm finishing up what will be the last summer break of my adult life and I'm having a really hard time coping with the fact that I won't be home much these next three years of school. My program becomes year round after the first year is done. All I can think about is how much can happen in that amount of time. My grandparents aren't getting any younger and what if this is the last time I get to see one of them? It will also be the longest amount of time Ive gone being away from home. My next visit will be thanksgiving. I'm just really starting to regret going to school so far away. It also doesn't help that I kind of feel alone at school. I have amazing friends at home and I have amazing friends from undergrad, but I really haven't found anyone who understands me at my new school. I have a hard time showing my emotions to my friends and family because I don't want to make my parents and friends worry about me.  It would be really great to have someone to talk to who is maybe going through a similar situation or to just hear some advice on how to cope with this hard time and these thoughts I've been having.

 

[Pink Fuzzy Bunny]

I am beginning to go through the same. I lived an hour away from home during undergrad and would go home for dinner, weekends, etc., and I just moved 13 hours away two months ago for graduate school. No matter how hard I try to make friends, it just turns out that I'm not a very social person. I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice and that all I can do is offer sympathy, but I'm in the same boat  

[St Andrews Lynx]

What I like to do is send letters to my grandparents. If your grandparents are more electronically-savvy than mine you can maybe do Skype chats. Regardless, although regular contact doesn't match seeing somebody in person...it is still maintaining a strong connection.

It sounds like mentally you are still living at home. You may need to try harder to live in the place your body is (in this case, grad school). That means making a decent effort to find new friends. Sure they may not "get you" in a way your childhood friends do...but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy their company or form a meaningful connection to them. Part of being "got" involves helping people understand who you are by opening up and being honest, and by making an effort to understand the other person. 

What I liked the most about moving away from home into places where I knew no one was that I had to opportunity to try new things without any obligation to others. For example, when I was living at home I did a lot of long-distance running with a group of people. When I moved an hour down the road to university I continued with the running because I was still connected to that social group. However, moving to a new country meant that I could break that pattern and take up new sports. I kinda found it more fulfilling to form a totally new identity in the foreign country, rather than attempt to continue with my old habits. It helped me make a more meaningful connection to this new location and made the experience feel less transient. If there aren't grad student societies you can join in your school, look on Meetup.com for interest/social groups you can check out.

I know that your family wants you to be happy and productive, wherever you are in the world. Your experience in this new location is whatever you make it!

[Eye_ball]

@Pink Fuzzy Bunny I also have a lot of anxiety surrounding social situations so it definitely makes it difficult to meet people. I have a really great group of people in my class, it's just so hard to form relationships with them when the way many of them choose to socialize is at bars/parties. I'm not opposed to going out, it's just sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety that I can't even leave my apartment. It's just crazy to me that I have already gone through a whole year and survived it, but now I'm having a breakdown about going back. I hope your move went ok and that things will get better for you soon. I know once school started for me last year it was hard to even think about anything else. That is what I really need. Just something to keep my mind off of all the things I'm missing out on at home and come Monday I will be back on a schedule and have a routine to help cope. 

@St Andrews Lynx thank you so much for your advice. I really just need some reassurance that things will be ok. I really did enjoy the perks of moving to a place where no one knows anything about you. It felt like a fresh start and I could really be who I wanted to be. I definitely need to try more new things and I have thought about doing meet ups. I'm just a little nervous to go by myself, but it would definitely be a great way to meet people. Thank you again. 

[dr. t]

10 hours ago, Eye_ball said:

it's just so hard to form relationships with them when the way many of them choose to socialize is at bars/parties.  

There's no rule that says you have to make friends with the people in your class, and there are plenty of better places to meet people! Clubs (sports or otherwise) are a great way to learn something new or be unironically enthusiastic about something you already love while meeting people at the same time. I took up cycling, for example, while others in my cohort joined reading groups or salsa dancing. 

Really though, as an introvert, it's all about training yourself to take that first plunge - going to the party/club meeting, saying hi, wedging yourself into a conversation. But I don't know any way around that, and it's a life skill you can't get by without.

[rising_star]

2 hours ago, telkanuru said:

There's no rule that says you have to make friends with the people in your class, and there are plenty of better places to meet people! Clubs (sports or otherwise) are a great way to learn something new or be unironically enthusiastic about something you already love while meeting people at the same time. I took up cycling, for example, while others in my cohort joined reading groups or salsa dancing. 

THIS! I'm friends with a few people from my cohort (and a couple more from the cohorts above and below mine) but a lot of the close friends I had by the end of my PhD program were people I hadn't met through grad school. I met them through joining a martial arts club, going to Meetups, joining my friend's trivia team (which led to meeting the others on that team and then their friends over time), etc. A lot of people use church or sports clubs to meet people. There was a trivia team in our town whose name was "We Met on Reddit" (aka, they didn't know each other but used Reddit to connect and make a trivia team). 

If your social anxiety is really overwhelming AND you're worried that it's hurting you as a person/professional, you may want to talk to a therapist to learn coping mechanisms and/or meet with a psychiatrist to see about whether anti-anxiety medication would be helpful for you. Academia is a career path which requires moving around, not being near family/friends, and finding a way to make that work. If that's the path you plan to pursue, then you should start figuring out how to be happy doing so sooner rather than later. Not going back to school because you'd rather be close to your friends and family may only be delaying the inevitable.