spouses/partners

[NachoConnoisseur]

Hello folks, newbie here so please let me know if this is the wrong place for this question. Thanks!

For those of you in committed relationships, what kinds of short-term and long-term plans have you made with your partner? Will they also be in school? Working? If so, once you graduate, will you switch?

Originally my husband and I planned to apply to programs in the same cities, with the best case scenario being that we could both be working on our masters. That plan has now morphed into his holding off a year to prepare better documents and my applying to my top-choice schools, with the idea that he'd follow me and (hopefully) get a job wherever we end up. What's not clear to us is, what happens for the following academic year. Does he putz around for another year at the job, or apply for admission at his top-choice schools... at which point we could end up in different states for a bit :/ And what about if either of us decides to follow-up with a PhD?! Yikes.

We just got married in October, so this is new territory for us. I know we'll figure out *something*, so this isn't a request for you to play Dr. Phil or anything I'm just curious how other couples are handling it, and chit-chatting here keeps me from checking my email for the 29384927349237th time today.

[johndiligent]

I was very fortunate in that my ex-fiance worked in something that exists everywhere (grocery stores). He's a manager, has seniority and could transfer pretty much anywhere in Canada and likely get work anywhere else.

We broke off our engagement because he really struggled without the idea that there was no end in sight to the life-upheavals and moving. Two years somewhere, then I'll be following up with a PhD, for which I'm considering schools in the U.S., the U.K. and Israel, so that will complicate things, and then who knows where I'd be adjuncting, etc. afterwards and how many places I'd jump around to before I got a permanent position (hopefully).

We were working but our long-term plans couldn't jive. I know that's not the most encouraging response I could have given but I'm commenting more to acknowledge that it is indeed a struggle. And my cousin could tell a similar story about his relationship with his ex-wife, which was made worse by the fact that they were both academics and both trying to pursue a career in this very uncertain field of ours.

[melusine]

good question indeed!

my bf is applying to a Masters' in History in roughly the same area (east coast) as me. we're actually both applying to NYU/Columbia..

but it certainly promises to be an interesting year. neither of us has any idea where we'll end up, what our priorities will be or how we'll work things out. we've only been together two years but he's a few years older than me (already has one master's degree in another field) and ready to get his act together, whereas i'm only 22 and feel like i'm about to start elementary.

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

I am in a committed relationship (been together a few years, discussions on engagement) so we are trying to figure this application process out together. Our fields are very different, but we found a few schools that are both good/awesome for our own things. If not, we looked at schools in similar areas or within 2-3 hours apart. So we may or may not be able to live together.

Other than that we have no specific plans until we get rejections/acceptances. It also becomes more complicated when I may end up going for a PhD in a different school - or I may not. Who knows? At this point all we can do is play it by ear.

[Serric]

My girlfriend's applying to veterinary school next year, and I'm applying to PhD programs this year. She has to stay in-state (California), so--unless I get an acceptance to UC Berkeley or UCSF--there's not much hope. I can't do distance relationships anymore, for a variety of reasons.

[dissatisfiedsocrates]

I'm sure that once your SO starts applying to schools and getting acceptances, you'll have a strong gut feeling about what you want to do. A year ago my SO (of 3+ years) got a tenure-track position across the country from where we were both living. I had been planning to wait a year before moving out with him, but as soon as I heard the news I realized that I wouldn't be happy without moving too. Now I'm applying to PhD programs, but only ones that are in the area (I lucked out that there are a lot of great programs close by). We'll be in another crossroads in ~4 years when he's up for tenure and I'm on the job market. Even though I'm neurotic about almost everything, I'm not really worried by it. There are a lot of opportunities like post-doc, non-tenure track, and lecturing that can give more flexibility in where we end up. Plus, it's great incentive to be the best grad student I can be; it ultimately makes life a lot easier if you have a lot of job offer choices.

[purplepepper]

The spouse/SO thing is always a tough question, everyone handles it differently depending on the situation and personalities involved. I know people who are quite content to have long distance relationships and some like me, who did that and just know that they cannot anymore. My husband followed me to school, he left his country and his family to move to the U.S. I know it's tough for him-he still struggles with English and doesn't really have any guy friends to hang out with.

The thing is, we want to be together, and he knows that he chose to move. He knows why he chose to move and why we are here, so we can make it work. It's tough and trying sometimes, and I'm still scared about the future of course (what if he just starts to settle in with a job and friends and I get a job half way across the country?)

So it all boils down to what your personal priorities are and what your priorities are as a couple. And you both have to be in agreement on this for it to really work. If you want to stay together, you'll find a way to stay together. And if you want a degree, you'll find a way to get a degree. It's not easy and life might suck for a few years but if you want to do it, you can do it.

[solairne]

My partner is an accountant and we live in the US.

I'm definitely hoping that I get into McGill for my program, but that will present some problems for us. He doesn't speak any French, whereas I do, and he'll be looking for a job in Québec. We've looked stuff over online and there seems to be English only accounting jobs, but we'll also have to deal with visas and paying double taxes in Canada and the US. It's is good though, because Montréal has a very low cost of living, and the McGill stipend is wonderful.

On a brighter note, same-sex marriage has been legal in Canada for some time now, and we will be able to get married, finally. That is true though for MIT and Amherst. I'm very much looking forward to that.

He has all but 100% said he will move with me, but he has a very good job right now and it might come down to me moving there alone for a few months while he looks for work and keeps his current job. I hope that is not the case, though.

And you're right, it will cause problems, as once I get my PhD, I'll probably have to move for post-doc work, and then move around until I find a tenure-track position. It is no small request to ask him to move around with me, but thankfully he is a sweet man and has a portable career field.

We've been together for almost 4 years now.

[socialcomm]

I'm sure that once your SO starts applying to schools and getting acceptances, you'll have a strong gut feeling about what you want to do. A year ago my SO (of 3+ years) got a tenure-track position across the country from where we were both living. I had been planning to wait a year before moving out with him, but as soon as I heard the news I realized that I wouldn't be happy without moving too. Now I'm applying to PhD programs, but only ones that are in the area (I lucked out that there are a lot of great programs close by). We'll be in another crossroads in ~4 years when he's up for tenure and I'm on the job market. Even though I'm neurotic about almost everything, I'm not really worried by it. There are a lot of opportunities like post-doc, non-tenure track, and lecturing that can give more flexibility in where we end up. Plus, it's great incentive to be the best grad student I can be; it ultimately makes life a lot easier if you have a lot of job offer choices.

This is very close to my situation. I worked while my SO got his PhD, he got a job, and now I'm applying to PhD programs in this area. The 'in this area' part is the struggle for me because while there are good programs in the area, it really diminishes the chances I have of getting into a program and being able to pursue my own career. I think if we were to do it over, at least from my perspective, I would have had us both get our degrees at the same time, even if it meant being in separate locations for a bit. If I don't get in anywhere this year, I'd have to wait until we find out if he gets tenure and if not, applying at all new programs at whatever location we end up at next.

[LateAntique]

My SO started her Ph.D this past fall at my top choice (her top choice as well). She's locked in there for the next 6 years. The ideal plan is that I get in and everything's groovy. My second choice is only 4-5 hours away and isn't that bad of a train ride. The hardest would be if I end up in Iowa.

[NachoConnoisseur]

On a brighter note, same-sex marriage has been legal in Canada for some time now, and we will be able to get married, finally.

Best wishes for upcoming nuptials!

[NachoConnoisseur]

This is very close to my situation. I worked while my SO got his PhD, he got a job, and now I'm applying to PhD programs in this area. The 'in this area' part is the struggle for me because while there are good programs in the area, it really diminishes the chances I have of getting into a program and being able to pursue my own career. I think if we were to do it over, at least from my perspective, I would have had us both get our degrees at the same time, even if it meant being in separate locations for a bit. If I don't get in anywhere this year, I'd have to wait until we find out if he gets tenure and if not, applying at all new programs at whatever location we end up at next.

Our original plan was each to select a few cities with schools for both of us, and apply to approx. 10 programs with the hopes of getting acceptance letters for the same city. That definitely would have made things easier, but ah well *shrug*

Everywhere I applied was based off that list, so at least one of his schools will be nearby any place I'm accepted. That's no help, of course, if he can't get into that particular school though. And if he couldn't, that's when it would be decision-time about him settling for a lesser, nearby program, or being apart for awhile so he can go to one of his top-choice programs

I am very, very fortunate because he's super-supportive, flexible and patient. I want to make sure I offer him the same

[MelMcC]

My spouse is currently working on his Phd and I am working and applying to the one decent grad program in the area. I am freaking out because if I don't get in, which we all know is a strong possibility since I only have one application out right now, I don't really have a plan B.

Studying somewhere else would have been fine but we have a little girl together and her need for a father comes before my need for a further education. So the plan is to keep applying an hoping I'll get in, or to wait till he's done and then try to finish.

My parents are teachers so I grew up in academics so I never really even considered a career outside of it, therefore, I don't really know what I'm going to do if I don't get in in the next few years.

[jacib]

My spouse is currently working on his Phd and I am working and applying to the one decent grad program in the area. I am freaking out because if I don't get in, which we all know is a strong possibility since I only have one application out right now, I don't really have a plan B.

Studying somewhere else would have been fine but we have a little girl together and her need for a father comes before my need for a further education. So the plan is to keep applying an hoping I'll get in, or to wait till he's done and then try to finish.

My parents are teachers so I grew up in academics so I never really even considered a career outside of it, therefore, I don't really know what I'm going to do if I don't get in in the next few years.

If you live in Texas, consider ESL teaching. I've found it really enjoyable (though I'm doing it abroad). It's a good way to start teaching within a month or two (though I have no idea about the job situation).

[JustChill]

My SO and I are still very young (early 20s), and we're both very ambitious when it comes to education. So, we're hoping to get into the same school or schools in the same city, but if that doesn't work out we know that we're going to part ways and go to the best programs that we're accepted to.

[solairne]

My SO and I are still very young (early 20s), and we're both very ambitious when it comes to education. So, we're hoping to get into the same school or schools in the same city, but if that doesn't work out we know that we're going to part ways and go to the best programs that we're accepted to.

Long distance or break up?

[JustChill]

Long distance or break up?

By part ways I meant break up. We already did the long distance thing for a year when I was finishing up undergrad.

[missesENG]

My boyfriend is interested in international law, not exactly the easiest field to get in to, and he got a grant to do research for the year. Since I finished school in August I decided to go abroad with him and the understanding is that next year is my time. Staying together is very important to us and although we both are pursuing competitive fields, the timing is seeming to work out, granted I do get an acceptance. Right now we plan to move wherever I end up attending and he'll try to get some courtroom experience that can be useful. We made it through his time at law school without breaking up or killing each other so I like to think we're better prepared to handle future challenges together.

[Katzenmusik]

Interesting topic. I'm applying to graduate schools across the country (mostly MA programs, some PhD), but I chose only schools in locations my partner of seven years said he could imagine living in, plus several good programs within an hour or so of our current city. If/when I'm accepted, we'll go visit them together. He will consider moving with me. If the place doesn't feel right, or he honestly doesn't think he can be happy there, we won't go.

I will not break up with him if he refuses to move with me. We're really happy together, and I could not imagine leaving him for an academic program. I've seen the world of academia pull peoples' personal lives apart, and I don't really want that to happen to me. (I will be looking for jobs outside the academy when the program ends.)

Meanwhile he is avoiding applying to his own grad programs, or accepting a great job offer he just received in another city, until he knows where my future stands.

Edited January 4, 2010 by Katzenmusik

[sometimesiexist]

This is an interesting topic, and my boyfriend and I have something worked out...kind of. We are both graduating from our UG this year, he's entering the job market, and I'm applying to PhD programs. We're both putting our feelers out all across the country, and decided that we could be happy together for a while, but would eventually resent each other if we didn't pursue our own paths. We've decided this, but all the while with hopes that we won't be too far from one another, and if we are we'll just figure it out when the time comes. We are best friends, and hopefully don't get split up by all the turbulence. But, until we both know more, we aren't really making plans.

[watersnake]

I'm married so I have to take him with me. Sigh.

[LifeIsGood]

I'm married so I have to take him with me. Sigh.

Hah! Funny! Almost lost my coffee there.

[Bryan]

The GF will be transferring to wherever I end up. However, the ideal situation would involve me going to school where she already is.

[bgav]

My SO is applying to the same schools as me. With any luck we'll both get into a school we both like. If not, we'll probably work and apply again next year.

[tem11]

My husband immigrated to the US from England to marry me and has been out of college for a few years now. He's going to pack up with me and continue working. I only applied to universities in major cities within the US and the UK to increase his chances of employment. He does computer programming stuff, so hopefully he's able to get a job.