Experiencing jealously from friends/family

[buttercup8d]

Have any of you experienced this, and were surprised to find people, when you were successful with getting into grad school/scholarships/fellowships/etc?

How did you deal? 

[AP]

Jealousy, like every other feeling, cannot be stopped from happening. We just feel stuff. What we can do is target the actions or behavior that sprout from it. I think I've been jealous of friends that got grants when I didn't, but I just acknowledged the feeling and let it go. What you are probably asking is how to deal with specific behavior from people close to you that act like that because they are jealous. 

I would start by separating the action, for example treating you badly, from the feeling. I have a friend that always make fun of me at gatherings because I don't have a "real" job, because I can take vacations whenever, I can start my day at noon, etc. I didn't like it at first, because she made it sound like I was being paid for doing nothing all day. Once I just replied: "Yeah, I chose the job I want, with flexible hours and lots of travel [my field involves travel] and you chose a 9-5 job. It's fine". And that was it. 

I don't know in your case how you are suffering from someone else's jealousy, but I would begin by making that distinction. If you decide to talk to them, it important to keep that distinction because you address the actions which might hurt you rather than the person (who cannot help feeling like that). I cannot think of a scenario where someone is openly jealous and acts accordingly... maybe you can provide an example?

[buttercup8d]

Other than the looks/feelings of resentment from those people, there are questions/critical remarks about getting into my graduate program..such as 'oh, maybe the process is just subjective' 'how great of a program is it?' 'is it only $$ for ALL those years?' 'you may not like it' etc.

Which is surprising because these people were also supportive before my success. I'm getting mixed messages geez

Most people around me are supportive and happy about my accomplishments but there are just a select few that have been negative and seem jealous of any good news about this whole application process. I try to steer clear but sometimes it's unavoidable (i.e. when it's family) I don't understand why they bother to ask detailed questions when they're clearly not happy with the answers.. :/

Edited February 25, 2017 by buttercup8d

[Glasperlenspieler]

There's a great discussion going on in the literature forum right now that you might appreciate: 

 

[HiFiWiFi]

My sister has always resented anything that goes well for me, so it's no surprise that she's been a nightmare about this too. She is under the impression that my parents have paid for everything (they have not) and are going to continue to pay for everything (they will not) and thus I should not be mooching off them to go to grad school (I am not). I had a few rough years in early undergrad, the only years where she would be considered by most objective standards to be doing better than me, and I think she misses those years and is doubly bitter about anything school-related now. (It didn't help that she was getting an associates on the literal other side of the planet so it was too expensive for my parents to attend her graduation while I got my bachelor's in our home town so everyone came out to celebrate it . . .) She oscillates between "I can't believe you're wasting money on more school" and "So it's not even a PhD then? Why? Weren't you good enough for a PhD?"

(My parents don't even mention me to her anymore because it always sets her off and they have to walk on eggshells around her. Then she wonders why I seem to be the favorite, hmmm . . .)

[buttercup8d]

6 hours ago, HiFiWiFi said:

My sister has always resented anything that goes well for me, so it's no surprise that she's been a nightmare about this too. She is under the impression that my parents have paid for everything (they have not) and are going to continue to pay for everything (they will not) and thus I should not be mooching off them to go to grad school (I am not). I had a few rough years in early undergrad, the only years where she would be considered by most objective standards to be doing better than me, and I think she misses those years and is doubly bitter about anything school-related now. (It didn't help that she was getting an associates on the literal other side of the planet so it was too expensive for my parents to attend her graduation while I got my bachelor's in our home town so everyone came out to celebrate it . . .) She oscillates between "I can't believe you're wasting money on more school" and "So it's not even a PhD then? Why? Weren't you good enough for a PhD?"

(My parents don't even mention me to her anymore because it always sets her off and they have to walk on eggshells around her. Then she wonders why I seem to be the favorite, hmmm . . .)

I'm assuming your sister is older. Geez that sounds awful. I also have an older sister, and she's always compared herself to me but she is not aggressive and tries to be happy for me (but I can tell that it's hard for her because she used to have very low self-esteem). I partly think our parents compared and played us against each other too much when we were young, and we've outgrown almost all of that. She definitely has her own successes to be happy about now. We're just really different people with different interests (she doesn't like to be in school at all) is what I always say to her, so there's no need to compare.

Edited February 26, 2017 by buttercup8d

[Neist]

I can't say that I've had much of an issue, but I think that people who know me know that I'd just cut them out of my life if they started to become emotionally abusive towards me.  

I do not kindly tolerant abuse.

8 hours ago, HiFiWiFi said:

She oscillates between "I can't believe you're wasting money on more school" and "So it's not even a PhD then? Why? Weren't you good enough for a PhD?"

2

I've gotten a little bit of this, but working in libraries is sort of like being a lawyer. The MLIS is generally the terminal degree. I'm entertaining going further, but situations would have to be ideal for me to dive in, I think. Is MPH the same?

[2017 Applicant]

18 hours ago, buttercup8d said:

Other than the looks/feelings of resentment from those people, there are questions/critical remarks about getting into my graduate program..such as 'oh, maybe the process is just subjective' 'how great of a program is it?' 'is it only $$ for ALL those years?' 'you may not like it' etc.

That doesn't sound like jealousy to me, but it sounds like they're trying to put you down on your choices. Is there some background we're missing? Like, are you looking at programs on the other side of the country and maybe your loved ones are subconsciously/subtly trying to make you reconsider your choice to go because they want you to stay around?

My advice is to be firm about your choices and proud of your accomplishments. Let them know 

• Yes, like so much in life the process is subjective, and a whole bunch of people on an admissions committee had the same subjective opinion that you are a great fit for their program
• The program is great for you, hence why you applied (I'm assuming this is true for you haha)
• Money is really secondary to your happiness, but if they hark on the financial aspect and you are being funded at a PhD program remind them that the stipend plus tuition and fees amounts to a lot; plus, you are getting PAID to learn, position yourself, and get a degree - that's pretty damn good
• You may not like grad school, but you may not like a lot of other things you could be doing instead. There's no way to find out until you try.

 

[buttercup8d]

No, I'm pretty sure the people saying this don't have my "well-being" at heart (we're not close with the exception of sister). The jealously is from the fact that they have compared/have been jealous of other things in my life before and, again, their facial expressions and fake congratulations to the good news.

Edited February 26, 2017 by buttercup8d

[AP]

On 2/25/2017 at 7:51 PM, buttercup8d said:

Other than the looks/feelings of resentment from those people, there are questions/critical remarks about getting into my graduate program..such as 'oh, maybe the process is just subjective' 'how great of a program is it?' 'is it only $$ for ALL those years?' 'you may not like it' etc.

Which is surprising because these people were also supportive before my success. I'm getting mixed messages geez

Most people around me are supportive and happy about my accomplishments but there are just a select few that have been negative and seem jealous of any good news about this whole application process. I try to steer clear but sometimes it's unavoidable (i.e. when it's family) I don't understand why they bother to ask detailed questions when they're clearly not happy with the answers.. :/

I'm sorry you are having a hard time from people close to you. As I said earlier, there isn't much you can do about how they feel. I once had an issue with a co-worker because our boss told her I had done a great job in X. (He didn't say I was great, I just did a good job in one thing. Period.). This backfired with this person telling lies to my boss about be and almost getting fired. Of course, my boss was very gullible and that was also detrimental for me, but in the end he didn't have any evidence of whatever I was being accused of. 

Anyway, back to you. When I asked, I was just wondering if there was something going on that could jeopardize your career (such as maybe someone was supposed to lend you money and decided not to). I am "happy" it is just tones/questions. Yet, this might be very painful. Knowing that you cannot change the way they feel is a big step, at least it was for me. Also, having some answers ready: "You may not like it" "In that case, I'll drop out, it is not the end of the world"; "is it a good program?" "Yes, they have this this and that". Another option is to have someone of the supportive bunch help you out when those conversations take place.

I hope it gets better over time!  

[buttercup8d]

Thanks for the supportive comments. Realizing that it's NOT personal at all and that they measure themselves against other people rather than using a scale focusing on their own self improvement gives me a good understanding. It makes me relieved that I'm not like this because it sounds like misery to be on the other side