On living with your 'second choice'

[curious_philosopher]

I might have to correct myself already, as the title is misleading: technically, when I applied to grad school, I only had a first choice, and all other schools (about 10) were 'fall-back options'. And this might already be my most heartfelt advice I could give to current applicants: don't do it with my attitude. Because if you don't get into that one school, you might never fully stop resenting them for not having admitted you.

The irony is that my first-choice school was much lower ranked than the school I ended up going to. While I was rejected by my first choice, I got into an ivy league (much to my surprise), and so took their offer. At that time, the fact that I had gotten into a higher-ranked school kind of alleviated the pain of not having gotten into my first choice. But let me tell you, even after almost four years in the PhD program in the ivy league school, I cannot pretend that I wouldn't have preferred the other school.

I want to make this clear: This is a very subjective point of view, and it might not be the case for anyone else. And also: I think it was ultimately for the better that I ended up at my current school instead of my first choice. Academically, I've learned about so many new approaches to philosophy that I would not have been confronted with at my first choice. And I would not have lived in this very exciting global city that I live in now, an experience that is worth having in itself. And perhaps it's true that my chances on the job market are better coming from this school instead of from my first choice.

But there is this curious and irrational phenomenon of knowing that this was not my first choice. I was, in some sense, forced to be here as opposed to my first choice, and I know that, despite all the good things, I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been forced to. Do you know the feeling of 'this person looks good on paper, but I just can't fall in love with them'? That's how it feels. I just can't fully fall in love with my current school. And my first choice is a school I had fallen in love with, but was never able to get to know fully. I'll never forget that my current school had always been 'only' my second choice.

The irony is, again, from today's perspective, that I might not be happy if I were at my first choice school. But at least I would have gotten the chance to not love it anymore, to grow wary of it. After a while there, I might have felt the same frustrations that I feel at my current school. But I would have gotten it my way, and the only one to blame would have been me. This way, I can never fully get rid of the feeling that the things that are stupid at my current school (and there are many!) might not be a problem if I had only gotten a chance to go to my first choice.

I don't want to discourage anyone to go with their second (or third, or fourth, or nth) choice, on the contrary. As I said, I think that being at my current school is on the whole actually better for me than if I had gotten into my first choice. I just want to express this fully irrational feeling about my first choice that never went away. Perhaps someone can relate?

[curious_philosopher]

It's interesting that I received several personal messages in response to this post, but no public ones yet. Perhaps this might be a too personal topic for people to discuss publicly...

[eigenname]

20 minutes ago, curious_philosopher said:

It's interesting that I received several personal messages in response to this post, but no public ones yet. Perhaps this might be a too personal topic for people to discuss publicly...

I suspect no one wants to come across as 'humble-bragging' about how many schools they got into (not implying that you are) - even if they do share the same sentiments as you (and these sentiments are perfectly reasonable to have)? 

[hector549]

I can't identify with this specific experience, but I'm happy to share my own experience, which I think may have some similar features to yours, @curious_philosopher. I'm currently going through the process of applying to/choosing graduate programs. I'm nearly 30, and there have been times in which I've felt frustrated with myself for not having gone to graduate school sooner. Even though I did very well in my undergraduate program, I've also sometimes felt frustrated for not having had quite the "ideal" set-up for going on to graduate school. If only I had taken those classes with tenured professors instead of the visiting lecturers, perhaps I would have gotten stronger letters, though I didn't know any better at the time. If only I hadn't taken time off in the middle of getting my degree, and after I got my degree, and transferred institutions, I wouldn't have large, weird gaps in my educational history. Why didn't I take that graduate course on Kant when my professor suggested it and offered to waive the prerequisites? Why did I leave school after that semester for a three-year break instead? I came from a very non-academic family, and didn't have much support along the way, so there was some trial and error involved.

I've been accepted at one of the very best terminal MAs this application season, with funding no less, and it would seem that the things that concerned me haven't mattered as much as I thought they would. However, those counterfactual thoughts haven't entirely disappeared, although they don't weigh me down too much. It's hard coming to terms with the feeling of having been pushed along sometimes by circumstances that may be far outside of your own control. That is a feeling I can identify with. Therapy helps enormously, and I mean that with the greatest sincerity.

Edited March 11, 2017 by hector549

[Dialectica]

2 minutes ago, hector549 said:

I can't identify with this specific experience, but I'm happy to share my own experience, which I think may have some similar features. I'm currently going through the process of applying to/choosing graduate programs. I'm nearly 30, and there have been times in which I've felt frustrated with myself for not having gone to graduate school sooner. Even though I did very well in my undergraduate program, I've also sometimes felt frustrated for not having had quite the "ideal" set-up for going on to graduate school. If only I had taken those classes with tenured professors instead of the visiting lecturers, perhaps I would have gotten better letters, though I didn't know better at the time. If only I hadn't taken time off in the middle of getting my degree, and after I got my degree, and transferred institutions, I wouldn't have large, weird gaps in my educational history. Why didn't I take that graduate course on Kant when my professor suggested it and offered to waive the prerequisites? Why did I leave school after that semester for three years instead? I came from a very non-academic family, and didn't have much support along the way, so there was some trial and error involved.

I've been accepted at one of the very best terminal MAs this application season, with funding no less, and it would seem that the things that concerned me haven't mattered as much as I thought they would. However, those counterfactual thoughts haven't entirely disappeared, although they don't weigh me down too much. It's hard coming to terms with the feeling of having been pushed along sometimes by circumstances that may be far outside of your own control. That is a feeling I can identify with. Therapy helps enormously, and I mean that with the greatest sincerity.

I just wanted to say that much of your story sounds similar to mine. It's nice to feel some solidarity. I have weird gaps in my education, I'm older, I've been, as you say, pushed along by circumstances far outside my control. We certainly are not alone. 

[hector549]

45 minutes ago, Dialectica said:

I just wanted to say that much of your story sounds similar to mine. It's nice to feel some solidarity. I have weird gaps in my education, I'm older, I've been, as you say, pushed along by circumstances far outside my control. We certainly are not alone. 

Indeed. Thanks for sharing.

[753982]

No matter how strongly you expect an unwanted outcome, when it actually happens it feels different. That scintilla of hope you had, is just gone.

That, and I guess in philosophy we're all beggars. There are very few coveted spots and a lot of smart people who want them.

Edited March 12, 2017 by 753982

[modalities]

Isn't it possible that you're idealizing/romanticizing your first-choice? To put it in more trite (but often true) terms: the grass is always greener on the other side

[apophantic]

On 3/12/2017 at 2:46 AM, postmodernturn said:

Isn't it possible that you're idealizing/romanticizing your first-choice? To put it in more trite (but often true) terms: the grass is always greener on the other side

there are many cases, at least for me, where you can tell that a certain emotion comes from an irrational place (such as romanticization), yet it is still hard to get your emotions in line with your head.