Life as it should be

[VisionMachine]

If life were perfect, here is how it would (or rather should) play out for waiting grad applicants:

1.

Thunderous applause on joining any internet forum related to applications

Whenever a new user wonderfully announces themselves that they have been lurking a long time and just now mustered up the courage to join and post something. They should be given standing ovation. A bouquet of flowers should be promptly dispatched along with a box of chocolates. A reminder pamphlet on how to "Not Seek Comfort in Food and Chocolates while you wait" should be supplied too.

2.

Intelligent Application Systems

With so many working in the field of machine learning and artificial intelligence (including this author), it should be so not difficult to provide instantaneous chances on the application forms. You just put in your GPA, GRE, Undergrad grades, Grad grades, and the system should give you your chances instantaneously. Responses could range from

"What the heck are you thinking applying to this school?"

to

"Congratulations you golden child you"

or even

"You are the ring bearer, the chosen one. The prophecy is fulfilled. Gandalf will be with you shortly"

(the last one might be very appropriate for Yale).

What do I hear? -- What about SOPs and LORs? Well, for all the candidates the hefty application fee should be used to send them an embossed copy of their SOP via mail. In case, an applicant is rejected due to an LOR, the name of the recommender should be printed in big black letters and given back to the applicant with the title - "He/She is the one who destroyed your dreams --" (Bonus points, if the application system even puts in the recommender's address and office hours.

3.

Free Psychological Counseling at Applied Schools

To cope with waiting, all candidates should be referred to school's doctors (or even students pretending to doctors) -- the applicants feel they get therapy and the school can secretly use this as a tool to weed out the sociopaths (You know them - the kind who lurk around in the University Library toilet just a bit longer than necessary! -- I mean they are losing valuable school time which could otherwise be spent on research!!)

4.

Student Carolling Season For Professors

January/February should be declared by universities as official carolling season. Groups of graduate students/applicants should sing in front of every admission committee professor's office, classics such as: "Don't forget you were once a grad student.. Fa La La La..la la la. Read the application carefully... Fa La La La..la la la." "I am dreaming of full funding... with summer support to boot".

5.

Empathetic Rejection Letters

If the school is rejecting the applicant, then the school should make it amply clear how much they regret that decision. Statements like these can be helpful -- "

You were forever and ever our first choice. We even had dreams about reading your application. Unfortunately the other candidate had to be admitted because they are connected to the mafia and holding our families ransom. We appeal to your benevolent nature to forgive us this time.

" or "

OMG, the other suckers on this committee soo totally voted me out. I quit the adcom meeting over you and I am even leaving the university to come and work with you. Don't worry we'll manage something together. It is their loss after all. Your Best Bud xoxoxo POI

"

Think of any others? Just add them on.

(BTW, I am just another nervously waiting grad applicant like everyone else over here. Sadly, not one experience sets me apart from anyone else in this forum - but hey at least we can all have a good laugh about it? :-))

[Venetia]

Wow, just...LOL.

May I add...

6. More notifications

I would be quite happy to have an annoying-friend scenario with the adcomms. You know, the person that emails you constantly to tell you what they're doing and updates their facebook status every five minutes. "We just received your application." "We've divvied them up by field." "Your POI is lobbying for you, stay tuned for the votes." "It's between you and two other guys for the spot. For the record, you're winning." And so on. In my mind, there is no such thing as too much information in the grad school application process!

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

Vision, you just MADE MY DAY (especially the ring bearer and how appropriate it is for Yale... although I would think that You are our Percival, the Holy Grail is before you, God, Christ, the Holy Ghost, and every single Monty Python [including Graham Chapman, back from the dead] cast member will be in touch with you soon... would also be highly appropriate for Yale... can you tell I'm dying to go there?)

and I'll add...

7. Got Good GRE Scores Celebration

So you raised those GRE scores, worked your ass off, studied vocab/math until it leaked out of every pore of your body, are on first name basis with editors of "Cracking the GRE" and "Kaplan's Advanced" series, you know words like OBSTREPEROUS and SOMNAMBULIST without consulting a dictionary, and scored in the 98th percentile - the grad schools in your field should at least send you a congratulatory email! Something like : Congratulations, potential applicant! Your GRE scores now qualify you for acceptance to our University with full fellowship + generous stipend! Please apply as quickly as possible so we can assess the other brilliant things you will add to our department! Wouldn't it be nice to be COURTED rather than COURTING for a change??

8. Applause and Adulation when finished with Application Process

You just finished sending out those 10-20-howevermany applications, and you get a balloon party w. Godiva chocolates, a HUGE bottle of Glenlivet, and a week long beach vacation in - enter your fav holiday spot here (mine? Thailand, Aruba, anywhere with pristine beaches and turquoise water) - just to recuperate from the process and gather strength for the excruciating wait...

[BlueSwedeShoes]

9. Professional University-issued Family Spokesperson

Once your application is in, a trained public relations specialist is issued as your family's point of contact. All questions such as "Have you gotten word back?" or "Are you accepted yet?!" by uninformed parents, siblings and other relatives are now addressed directly to this spokesperson who will take as much time as needed explaining the hardships that you as an applicant are going through right now and suitable ways for them to support you.

[VisionMachine]

Ha Ha Ha! :-) You guys are hilarious! Who says grad students do not have a sense of humor!!

Taking off on Venetia's idea:

10. Compulsory Twittering for AdCom Members

Really universities should make it mandatory for every prof to twitter continuously. I believe messages like these would be considered ok - "Hey, just sat on the loo with a couple of SOPs @WonderfulApplicant -- man, that was a wonderful passage"

11. Comprehensive Exams for AdCom Members

Before AdComs make a final decision, they should be required to take a 3 hours comprehensive exam on applications. Questions should be asked such as "Summarize in your own words the SOP of Applied Candidate X?" and "If Candidate X has excellent GREs, a fairly Ok SOP, and 2 excellent LOR, where as Candidate Y has average GRE, excellent SOP, and 3 good LORs - Who would be admitted ? Justify your answer. You can assume an above average GPA for both."

Only the profs who have thoroughly prepared and passed their Comprehensive exams should be allowed to sit in the AdCom meeting, and tie this to their tenure requirements - so all the profs go -- "Oh Man, I am so screwed, my AdCom Comprehensive is tomorrow and I still have to read these 50 applications!"

:-)

[JulesM]

9. Professional University-issued Family Spokesperson

Once your application is in, a trained public relations specialist is issued as your family's point of contact. All questions such as "Have you gotten word back?" or "Are you accepted yet?!" by uninformed parents, siblings and other relatives are now addressed directly to this spokesperson who will take as much time as needed explaining the hardships that you as an applicant are going through right now and suitable ways for them to support you.

Absolutely priceless.

[chocker]

9. Professional University-issued Family Spokesperson

Once your application is in, a trained public relations specialist is issued as your family's point of contact. All questions such as "Have you gotten word back?" or "Are you accepted yet?!" by uninformed parents, siblings and other relatives are now addressed directly to this spokesperson who will take as much time as needed explaining the hardships that you as an applicant are going through right now and suitable ways for them to support you.

should be moved to # 1

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

I forgot the most important thing!!

12. The Stress-Relief Program

All applicants receive the stress reliever of their choice immediately when done with applications. Prozac, SSRI's, stress ball, full-scale home gym (or all-inclusive gym membership), and free therapy for those wacky dreams, daydreams, and generally obsessive behavior.

[Nytusse]

#13 Let us dispense with the generic rejection emails which tell you how great you are before they tell you to get lost.

I want a letter or email, with a big YES, NO, or MAYBE on the top in bold.

If it is a rejection, reasons must be given. They may be selected from a list of boxes to check off. The possibilities are endless!

-You are in no way good enough to even apply to our school, but thank you for your application fee.

-Your statement of purpose made us laugh uncontrollably.

-While you may be smart, you are also quite boring.

-Your letters of recommendation make you sound like a cross between a lonely puppy and a sociopath.

[psycholinguist]

This thread is made of win.

[Nighthob]

Taking off on Venetia's idea:

10. Compulsory Twittering for AdCom Members

Really universities should make it mandatory for every prof to twitter continuously. I believe messages like these would be considered ok - "Hey, just sat on the loo with a couple of SOPs @WonderfulApplicant -- man, that was a wonderful passage"

I thought the same thing when I read Venetia's comment. I am definitely in favor of compulsive, compulsory Twittering by the adcoms.

11. Comprehensive Exams for AdCom Members

Before AdComs make a final decision, they should be required to take a 3 hours comprehensive exam on applications. Questions should be asked such as "Summarize in your own words the SOP of Applied Candidate X?" and "If Candidate X has excellent GREs, a fairly Ok SOP, and 2 excellent LOR, where as Candidate Y has average GRE, excellent SOP, and 3 good LORs - Who would be admitted ? Justify your answer. You can assume an above average GPA for both."

Only the profs who have thoroughly prepared and passed their Comprehensive exams should be allowed to sit in the AdCom meeting, and tie this to their tenure requirements - so all the profs go -- "Oh Man, I am so screwed, my AdCom Comprehensive is tomorrow and I still have to read these 50 applications!"

This made me laugh! I'd be happy to serve on the testing committee to score all those exams. In fact, I suspect if you suggest this to your Congressman, you could see this as part of the next Department of Education bill.

[rogue]

I <3 this thread.

[unclelurker]

Can the mods make this list a giant poster on the sale items? Or a bulleted pdf, like the Warsaw rules? I want to put this up in the study room at school.

Best thread ever. Hilarious. psycholinguist, it IS made of win.

Bravo to all who just made this season perfection.