I've got 99 problems but grad school ain't one

[random_grad]

*trigger warning: sexual abuse and suicide*

I've got 99 problems but grad school ain't one ...but now because of these other problems grad school is becoming one.

This is not so much a post to ask for advice, but to rant and commiserate. Anyways, here goes.

Here I am, random_grad, at the end of year two, i.e. finishing coursework, all professors happy, all going quite alright, so, being in that happy place, I feel strong to explore dark events from my past, in an effort to solve my mental health issues. And woosh, repressed childhood memories, realizations about previously dismissed triggers, crazy shit. Turns out, I was in denial about being sexually abused by a parent, from an extremely young age. So now this exploration of who I am (genetics included) and how to deal with this is consuming me, I spend hours lying in bed untangling memories and cues. Oh, it makes me stronger, I feel like nothing can hurt me no more, I have regained trust in people, we're making good progress with my therapist. I am extremely confident, I am learning to love my body, I have acknowledged and ditched my alcohol addiction. I am embracing my gender fluidity and some previously suppressed aspects of my sexuality. The prospects for the far future looks quite good.

The issue is the now. I am suicidal more than ever before, I don't spend enough time on my PhD, and now it is starting to become an issue. I have put off the writing of my projects for too long. The professors are cooperating and gave me extensions but I can tell that they are concerned about me dropping out (which I am not considering, but which would happen in the event of suicide). For most of the year I have been able to compartmentalize quite efficiently, always be sharp at seminars, submitting work on time, so that all my profs probably thought that all is well. But now the non-academic side of my life is taking over my mind, draining all my mental resources.

So now I am thinking that I should not have opened this pandora's box, and maybe it's not too late to close it and get back to work?..

I feel silly writing this. Obviously, I should just talk to my therapist. But I've written it, so let's see what comes out of it.

 

[fuzzylogician]

Not to put too fine a point on it but in the event of suicide there will be bigger problems than your not finishing your degree.

Kudos for you for taking care of your mental health in what sounds like a very responsible way and despite what it's stirring up. The end of your second year actually sounds like close to the best time you could choose to do such a thing, if ever there was such a time. It's early enough in your program that if you are very slow or don't get any writing/research done over the summer, there's still a lot of time to catch up and stay strong. Is there any chance that you can give your professors some short version of "I am dealing with some health issues that may require me to slow down for the summer. I have every intention of returning to the fall semester with more free time for work, but for near future it may mean that I'll be doing a bit less". I think that's all the details you need to give, and people should understand. Alternatively, you could have a conversation with the DGS and have them take care of talking to individual professors about your slowing down. It's really nice that they care, and shows that you're in a good program. Presumably that should mean that they'll also be supportive of you taking care of your personal life and health, and not only your academics. Good luck with this process! It sounds painful but totally worth it, on so many levels. 

[ExponentialDecay]

I feel like this post needs a trigger warning, and I don't even have experience with most of the things in it.

[Cheshire_Cat]

1 hour ago, ExponentialDecay said:

I feel like this post needs a trigger warning, and I don't even have experience with most of the things in it.

I'm not a "trigger warning" type person, but I agree.  This is some deep painful shit.

[Cheshire_Cat]

That being said, suicide isn't the answer.  I don't know what the answer is, but it isn't that.  However, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time.

[random_grad]

oh damn, I'm sorry, you're right. I should have put a trigger warming. I suck. can't edit it now.

thank you, folks, for your kind words. rationally I know that suicide isn't an answer, but nothing about this desire is rational.

 

3 hours ago, fuzzylogician said:

 give your professors some short version of "I am dealing with some health issues that may require me to slow down for the summer. I have every intention of returning to the fall semester with more free time for work, but for near future it may mean that I'll be doing a bit less".

I sort of did, to my advisor (who also happens to be the DGS). I think they communicated that to other profs as their tone changed somewhat since then. But if that's not enough, I'll definitely talk to them again. Thank you for your advice.

[fuzzylogician]

5 minutes ago, random_grad said:

oh damn, I'm sorry, you're right. I should have put a trigger warming. I suck. can't edit it now.

thank you, folks, for your kind words. rationally I know that suicide isn't an answer, but nothing about this desire is rational.

Edited to add a trigger warning.

And for the suicidal thoughts, I hope you have someone available who you talk to if it ever goes beyond just the thought stage! Nothing about these kinds of thoughts is rational, and it's really important to have someone to remind you of that, because it's so easy to forget in those moments. 

[Concordia]

Slowing down for the summer is an option-- would taking a term or year off be another?  

Just working behind a cash register for a year and letting your brain rest while you work this all out might be a useful way to re-charge.  

Not a recommendation, as I don't know you or your program, but don't rule it out, either.

[random_grad]

7 hours ago, Concordia said:

Slowing down for the summer is an option-- would taking a term or year off be another?  

Just working behind a cash register for a year and letting your brain rest while you work this all out might be a useful way to re-charge.  

Not a recommendation, as I don't know you or your program, but don't rule it out, either.

I can't really do it at this stage, I just accepted a career-defining fellowship for next year, if I don't do it right it would be over for me. (that could also explain the pressure). But it could be an option for later.

I don't really wanna take the summer off, I am very excited to brainstorm my dissertation. It's just these projects that scare me, I'm really not that interested in them anymore, and the fellowship of course is daunting. No money too, but that's no news to me.

 

8 hours ago, fuzzylogician said:

Edited to add a trigger warning.

And for the suicidal thoughts, I hope you have someone available who you talk to if it ever goes beyond just the thought stage! Nothing about these kinds of thoughts is rational, and it's really important to have someone to remind you of that, because it's so easy to forget in those moments. 

thanks for editing for me!

I would never hurt myself. but if it comes to that, I will call my uni's clinic. it's a good thing I stopped drinking hehe.

In fact, just now I have realized that the only reason why I wanna die is to make this pain stop. It's a lot to deal with, coming to terms and all. But I wanna live.Suicide would be a win for the bad guys, not for me

[ejpril88]

@random_grad have you tried yoga? It might sound trivial, but it does wonders for both physical and mental health.

[spectastic]

guy in my department recently committed suicide (not certain, but that's the likely cause of death). I've been depressed before, but suicide is a whole other level that I don't understand, and hopefully never will. The brain is pretty complicated, and problems like these go deeper than getting up and getting some exercise. Inner demons need to be dealt with directly (I've had my share). I can't really help you other than to feel sympathetic and wish you the best of luck. I think the reason why you posted here in the first place is because you need a channel of release. Go talk to someone about it.

[random_grad]

11 hours ago, ejpril88 said:

@random_grad have you tried yoga? It might sound trivial, but it does wonders for both physical and mental health.

I have. I used to have a very good private yoga instructor (who also happens to be a very advanced practitioner with lots of serious training and validation in India) when I was in the undergrad, and since then none of the standard yoga classes cut it for me. it feels fake. I know I sound like a snob but it is what it is. Unfortunately I don't live where she lives anymore. I go to night clubs for exercise and I also want to start a martial art next semester or tai chi.

 

1 hour ago, spectastic said:

guy in my department recently committed suicide (not certain, but that's the likely cause of death). I've been depressed before, but suicide is a whole other level that I don't understand, and hopefully never will. The brain is pretty complicated, and problems like these go deeper than getting up and getting some exercise. Inner demons need to be dealt with directly (I've had my share). I can't really help you other than to feel sympathetic and wish you the best of luck. I think the reason why you posted here in the first place is because you need a channel of release. Go talk to someone about it.

you totally get where I'm coming from in regards to depression and why I posted this. I've been trying to schedule lunches with classmates for the week. I think posting here has been a first step towards realizing I need human interaction (it so happens that my family moved back to Canada this academic year so I'm all by myself in the U.S. -- welcome to the two-body problem. I probably should post about that, since we managed to make it work really well so far and I wish I had read success stories about it rather than constantly hearing omg this is so bad). My spouse talks to me on the phone every day, but it just ain't the same as real human interaction in person.

a previous therapist told me that some PhD students make it a point to schedule a couple of lunches per week with various people, mostly peers, to battle isolation. feels like too much work for me, but they might be unto something.

Edited May 16, 2017 by random_grad

[ejpril88]

9 hours ago, random_grad said:

I know I sound like a snob but it is what it is.

I totally get it. I found a wonderful yoga studio in Chicago and already feel bad for having to leave in fall.

9 hours ago, random_grad said:

a previous therapist told me that some PhD students make it a point to schedule a couple of lunches per week with various people, mostly peers, to battle isolation.

This sounds really good!