random_grad Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 *trigger warning: sexual abuse and suicide* I've got 99 problems but grad school ain't one ...but now because of these other problems grad school is becoming one. This is not so much a post to ask for advice, but to rant and commiserate. Anyways, here goes. Here I am, random_grad, at the end of year two, i.e. finishing coursework, all professors happy, all going quite alright, so, being in that happy place, I feel strong to explore dark events from my past, in an effort to solve my mental health issues. And woosh, repressed childhood memories, realizations about previously dismissed triggers, crazy shit. Turns out, I was in denial about being sexually abused by a parent, from an extremely young age. So now this exploration of who I am (genetics included) and how to deal with this is consuming me, I spend hours lying in bed untangling memories and cues. Oh, it makes me stronger, I feel like nothing can hurt me no more, I have regained trust in people, we're making good progress with my therapist. I am extremely confident, I am learning to love my body, I have acknowledged and ditched my alcohol addiction. I am embracing my gender fluidity and some previously suppressed aspects of my sexuality. The prospects for the far future looks quite good. The issue is the now. I am suicidal more than ever before, I don't spend enough time on my PhD, and now it is starting to become an issue. I have put off the writing of my projects for too long. The professors are cooperating and gave me extensions but I can tell that they are concerned about me dropping out (which I am not considering, but which would happen in the event of suicide). For most of the year I have been able to compartmentalize quite efficiently, always be sharp at seminars, submitting work on time, so that all my profs probably thought that all is well. But now the non-academic side of my life is taking over my mind, draining all my mental resources. So now I am thinking that I should not have opened this pandora's box, and maybe it's not too late to close it and get back to work?.. I feel silly writing this. Obviously, I should just talk to my therapist. But I've written it, so let's see what comes out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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