Getting along with other students in the dept...

[snarky]

It's my second semester of my first year, and I have to say I don't love the other students in my department... I'm wondering, how important is it to get along with them? Is it enough to be cordial acquaintances?

To keep sane my first semester, I had to sacrifice my social life in my dept. The unfortunate consequence was that I missed some social events, and maybe didn't help out as much as I was supposed to in planning a conference our dept is hosting. This and some other stupid things (tension regarding the amount of financial aid some of us were offered compared to previous years) has made for a bit of an awkward social situation with some of the people. The thing is, I don't really care that much. I do get along with a few people, but there are others who I find really annoying and immature. I live with my fiance and have friends in the area, so I'm not starved for social interaction. I loved my classes, did really well in them, and made a good first impression on my professors. By all accounts I am very happy with school and with my life.

So is there something I'm missing?? I am trying to be friendly and help out more this semester, but is there some reason to try extra hard to impress other students in the dept who I don't really like?

[kdilks]

So is there something I'm missing?? I am trying to be friendly and help out more this semester, but is there some reason to try extra hard to impress other students in the dept who I don't really like?

Not really.

[fuzzylogician]

On 2/17/2010 at 10:04 PM, kdilks said:

Not really.

To expand on this, you don't need to be friends with everyone in your department, though it's good to have some friends even if you have an active social life outside your department. I personally find it impossible to be friends with too many people, however it is important to be friendly with everyone. It's wise not to make enemies among the other students. Just in a very practical way, you are likely to need someone's help at some point in your career as a student, and you want to be able to get it.

I do think it's important to occasionally help out with things you don't really care about, and chitchat with people you don't particularly care for at department functions and parties. But there's no need to impress anybody or be their friend.

[liszt85]

On 2/17/2010 at 10:40 PM, fuzzylogician said:

To expand on this, you don't need to be friends with everyone in your department, though it's good to have some friends even if you have an active social life outside your department. I personally find it impossible to be friends with too many people, however it is important to be friendly with everyone. It's wise not to make enemies among the other students. Just in a very practical way, you are likely to need someone's help at some point in your career as a student, and you want to be able to get it.

I do think it's important to occasionally help out with things you don't really care about, and chitchat with people you don't particularly care for at department functions and parties. But there's no need to impress anybody or be their friend.

^ Exactly my view and experience.

[rising_star]

Personally, yea, I think you're missing something. You need to at least be friendly with these people because they are the ones that can throw you a softball first question at a conference, informally introduce you to big names in the field, and who will be your professional colleagues for the rest of your career. Also, they are the people you will commiserate with about comps, who will provide you with their reading lists and share their notes, etc. So next time, sacrifice some of the schoolwork (grades don't matter in grad school anyway) and do the social events and service obligations. That's what I've done for the past 3.5 years and it's worked out well for me.

[snarky]

thanks guys... all good points. i definitely do NOT want to be enemies with anyone (especially in light of what fuzzy said..) hence why i am on an anonymous forum complaining .

in an ideal world i would be good friends and get along great with everyone i guess. with some people in the dept it could happen in time but with others it would be sort of a forced friendship, not a super fun one. also its been somewhat unintuitive to me that i should maybe sacrifice studies for social stuff now and then, considering the former is the reason i came to school at all and the latter is not. but it seems the older you get, the more you realize how much politics matter.... and this is probably even more true for academia than it was in the corporate world!

fuzzy, I'm curious why you say it's impossible to be friends with people? because of time constraints, or something else?

[fuzzylogician]

fuzzy, I'm curious why you say it's impossible to be friends with people? because of time constraints, or something else?

I meant that I find it hard to be friends with too many people at once. It's not about time constraints, it's just my character. I guess I prefer to spend my mental resources (pardon the awkward wording) on a few deep friendships than many shallow ones. My attention span is best focused on 2-3 people at a time, no more. I don't know why that is, but that's the way I've always been. I am, however, totally fine being friendly with acquaintances, even if I don't particularly like them. I make a conscious effort to participate in the chitchatting that goes on in departmental functions, and I occasionally volunteer for random things that need to get done, because I think it's important to make connections while I'm in school.

[Medievalmaniac]

It's important to be collegial. Smile. Make it a point to congratulate people when they have a paper published and/or are accepted to present at a conference. Ask how their research is going. Commiserate with the workload (but not too much, you don't want to be viewed as a complainer). Anything beyond that is not really necessary. You don't have to go out of your way to be everyone's best friend and, in fact, that can be construed as kissing up, especially if it's not your nature to be everybody's BFF.

You're there to work. It's like any other work relationship. You may find people you totally click with, you may find you hate them all, but in the end you have to work with them and you need to make sure it's pleasant - you don't want enemies. But you don't have the time or energy to devote to a bid for Miss/Mr. Congeniality, and unless that's who you are naturally I wouldn't even try - you don't want the reputation of being a phony.

I think you have a healthy attitude towards the whole thing. Grad school is not an extension of the undergraduate experience, you are training for "the real world" whether that is academia, private consulting, management, etc. etc. - do you want to spend your time getting tipsy at an informal grad student get together at someone's grad student apartment on Saturday night, or reviewing for your courses, in which your professor is deciding your future...?

I think a healthy balance between work-life is crucial, and it sounds like you do, as well. No need to rock the boat trying to do something you have no interest in doing.

[liszt85]

I meant that I find it hard to be friends with too many people at once. It's not about time constraints, it's just my character. I guess I prefer to spend my mental resources (pardon the awkward wording) on a few deep friendships than many shallow ones. My attention span is best focused on 2-3 people at a time, no more. I don't know why that is, but that's the way I've always been. I am, however, totally fine being friendly with acquaintances, even if I don't particularly like them. I make a conscious effort to participate in the chitchatting that goes on in departmental functions, and I occasionally volunteer for random things that need to get done, because I think it's important to make connections while I'm in school.

Same here. I have one good friend. However, I'm jovial and pay attention to what's happening around me. I spent hours last week comforting another student who believes his/her adviser thinks he/she's dumb. It was difficult as I had loads of work to do but the thing is somebody might need your support now, and you'll need their help at some other point in time. All of this is a huge collaboration and it helps to maintain a friendly atmosphere.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I am, however, totally fine being friendly with acquaintances, even if I don't particularly like them. I make a conscious effort to participate in the chitchatting that goes on in departmental functions, and I occasionally volunteer for random things that need to get done, because I think it's important to make connections while I'm in school.

Agreed. I can't be friends with every single student but I try to be on good terms with everyone.