What would you have done?

[Adelaide9216]

Someone on social media wrote me a private FB message saying that she basically doesn't want to hear anymore from me because I am "shining too bright". She wants more "low-profile" people around her because she feels like a failure since she feels like she can't achieve the things I have achieved in my life.

It wasn't a mean message, more a sad one.

I literally do not know what to say or even if I should respond to this. I know it has nothing to do with me at the end of the day and it's mostly due to her own fears and insecurities (and I totally empathize with that). I'm not here to please everyone anyway. But it's just very sad.

What would you have done in that case? For now, I think I won't respond.. 

[Quantitative_Psychology]

What an odd situation!

My first question would be, do you actually talk to this person online or in person often? If not, then I probably wouldn't bother responding. If you aren't close, it wouldn't be too burdensome to follow her wishes (Despite how odd these wishes may be).

On the other hand, if you are close/talk often, I would probably try to engage her by message or maybe ask a mutual friend what is going on. As a friend, I would be highly concerned by her behavior. It could be an indicator of something seriously wrong.

[Adelaide9216]

I have actually never met her in person. I don't consider her as a friend. She used to be someone who was following my work and some of the stuff I do. A few months ago, she got upset with me because I did not like her FB page back. That's what I find strange.

I never know what to do when I get messages from people who are visibly distressed. I already talk a lot about trauma at school and in other parts of my life, and I feel like I don't want to deal with it on FB as well.

[muskratsam]

Hmm, I was going to say to send a note saying you understand if she wants to take a break, and it is fine if she decides she wants to refriend in the future.  But given the unhappiness she showed about not liking her page back, I might just not respond and let her drop you.

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

So this is not someone who you've ever met in person or talk to, she threw a fit before because you didn't boost her socials, and now she's out of the blue saying she has a problem with your success.

Don't respond. This could be a tactic to get a sympathy boost (I'm sorry you aren't happy. Here, let me help you become more successful) or it could be an attempt to start drama or simply an attempt to bring you down. In all of these scenarios, she is not your friend and is trying to use or manipulate you. 

There is the offchance that she honestly views the relationship as closer than you do. If you don't want a close relationship with them, I'd also not respond. It sounds mean, but ultimately you need to put your own mental health and business first. Being more successful than another person, unless you are outright stealing customers or something from them, is not harmful to that person. They need to put on their grown-up pants and learn how to deal or confide in someone who can help them get over it (aka a family member, friend, or professional, but not you or random professional people they follow on the internet).

[Hope.for.the.best]

2 hours ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Someone on social media wrote me a private FB message saying that she basically doesn't want to hear anymore from me because I am "shining too bright". She wants more "low-profile" people around her because she feels like a failure since she feels like she can't achieve the things I have achieved in my life.

It wasn't a mean message, more a sad one.

I literally do not know what to say or even if I should respond to this. I know it has nothing to do with me at the end of the day and it's mostly due to her own fears and insecurities (and I totally empathize with that). I'm not here to please everyone anyway. But it's just very sad.

What would you have done in that case? For now, I think I won't respond.. 

I find it strange that why she would bother to write you a message when she can easily unfollow or unfriend you on fb. That's what most people would do if they don't want to hear from a particular person, especially for someone who has no real life contact. Anyway, if it is her reaction to you not giving a like to her fb page, then it is very childish and silly (sorry I have to say that). If I were you, I would simply ignore her message. If she decides to bother you with further messages, then block her, or even unfriend her. 

[Adelaide9216]

13 hours ago, Hope.for.the.best said:

I find it strange that why she would bother to write you a message when she can easily unfollow or unfriend you on fb. That's what most people would do if they don't want to hear from a particular person, especially for someone who has no real life contact. Anyway, if it is her reaction to you not giving a like to her fb page, then it is very childish and silly (sorry I have to say that). If I were you, I would simply ignore her message. If she decides to bother you with further messages, then block her, or even unfriend her. 

I also find her childish. Especially considering the fact that she appears to be much older than I am. But at the same time, I empathize with her. But I think I won't respond to her. Best option.

[Adelaide9216]

You know, I've experienced severe depression as a child and teenager. Now that I am an adult, I'm a striver. Whenever I want to do something, I just do it because I've realized that life is really short and that I may not have the opportunity to do the things I want to do in the future. I don't take my current state for granted. So I try to do things that make me happy. It's the biggest lesson I've learned from the most difficult experience of my life and I am grateful for that. Life is short.

Inevitably, I get noticed for the things I do. It's okay, I want to spread hope. But I always try to put forward that I have struggled and that I am no superhuman. I don't want people to think that my life is perfect. I don't want people to be envious or feel bad because they can't do the things I do. I don't want them to compare themselves to me. Everyone is unique and that's okay. I'm very open about the mental health issues I still continue to live with. But some people still seem to feel insecure around me while I don't want to be seen as "different" or "better" than anyone else. My classmates seem to be intimidated by who I am, so I always push myself to be open about my insecurities and my past so people can feel that I am just like them. But it doesn't always work. People tell me regularly that they envy me or that they've heard of other people being envious of me and I just hate to hear that. I hate when people say that I am a "star" because I feel like it creates a distance or a wall between me and everyone else. 

Just because I do talks and media interviews every once in a while, doesn't mean that I am "better" than anyone else. I'm just like everyone. And I have insecurities too. That's why I empathize with this woman even though I feel that she wants to make me feel guilty for simply being who I am.

 

 

Edited November 18, 2017 by Adelaide9216

[PokePsych]

You have learned the lesson not to compare yourself. This is something others are still in need of learning.

To be someone who has overcome hardships and succeeded (I can relate) is even more intimidating because others may not be sure if they can power through that. Your empowerment and OWNING your weaknesses and being open to them - that's not something everyone is willing and able to do. I mean, there's a reason why people say that showing/acknowledging your weaknesses is a strength. There will always be jealous/envious people, no matter how you do. People may feel jealous of where you live/how you look/that you were able to do X/that you are more talented for Y. It's their choice to compare. If they want to see you as a 'star' - that is not a perception you can really change nor should try to. 

One thing I will tell you - being also someone who has struggled with mental health and having faced similar things - you will always be seen as different, simply because you're open about your past and insecurities and embrace it as something that has made you stronger. How many people do you know who are open about those things for real - while overcoming them and succeeding? 

From what I've seen from this forum - you seem like a great person. An empowered person. And obviously someone who has worries too. Yet, your worries don't seem to bring you down. Maybe that's intimidating. Again, in some ways I can relate as except for my close others nobody sees my meltdowns, they don't get why I am insecure about my career or research (I'm the overachiever in my year, plus people are always hating on how well I get along with my supervisor - I can't help it we enjoy the same jokes and have a similar style of thinking), and so on.

Stay true to yourself Adelaide96. Block the negative people out your life, especially if you don't owe them anything nor are close to you. You don't need haters or people who want to bring you down - why torture yourself with that. Never feel guilty at succeeding by working hard (only feel bad if you throw others under the bus or play things dirty - if not, you earned it). Be open to helping and supporting others who are OPEN to that as well - and wait for those who are not yet to be ready. Don't feel bad for living up to your potential, you are making it happen - if you were not working hard for it, those things wouldn't come to you. Be grateful for all the opportunities you get and show you are grateful. This is your life, and you're living it for yourself - not to make others feel better about themselves. I know life is short (my dad passed away very young - so I know how this thought is extremely motivating to make the most of everything you do), so don't waste time on things that are negative. Yes they hurt, I know. And it's ok to feel bad about them and when people hurt you or exclude you, but don't let those people get under your skin. Keep doing thigns that make you happy! If it is working hard and science (like it is for me) - keep doing that. Your happiness is only yours to create.

[lemma]

To me, her comment is giving me huge flashing red lights. It seems like she's in a dark place (irrespective of whether she's doing it for attention). 

You don't have to take her issues on board, but I would also leave the door open for future interactions so that this message doesn't exacerbate any self destructive cycles on her end. I would probably also send a quick message to someone who's close to her, just quietly saying you were a little worried (but also not to pass this on to cause drama). 

[Adelaide9216]

I am not the best person to help her. I don't know her friends and family, she is a total stranger to me. She said deleting me from her FB is better for her mental health so she did. She can do whatever is best for her, I don't really care tbh. 

Edited November 24, 2017 by Adelaide9216