Bombing my first paper

[anabeldm9]

Hi all, I have been stressing about this (not sleeping, getting stomach aches) for days so thought maybe posting here would help. This is long.

 

TLDR: I think I bombed my first paper in my first tough class and feel deeply embarassed in front of my classmates and professor. How do I bounce back?

 

I'm in the first year of my PhD program. I'm in a class that only 2nd and 3rd year students are in (I was encouraged by our grad coordinator to take it bc it's only taught every few years and is required), so already have lots of anxiety that I'm an idiot. It's too late to switch to taking a different class.

 

We had to do short presentations on our first paper last week and the professor singled me out "how about we hear from our new first-year phd student?". I get the feeling he doesn't think my research interests are valid based on comments he made during introductions, and that he is doubtful about my abilities even though he lectures the entire class and this paper is the very first time he will have heard from me aside from introductions (it's not just me, no one talks in class bc he lectures the whole time).

 

So I start talking about my paper and am nervous and speak too quickly and it's just awful. When I'm done, he literally says nothing, stares at me, and then says "who's next?". For every other person, he has comments and feedback. I wanted to melt into a puddle.

 

In retrospect, despite working hard on it, I don't think this paper was my best work. I actually would have written it differently if I could do it over. I don't know my grade yet, but I suspect it will be low. We have two more papers for this class and I plan on working hard to make sure the next two are better papers. Should I talk to him about it? Should I just hope it goes better next time? I am freaking out.

[dr. t]

Well, first off, I don't think your problem will be so much how to deal with bombing your first paper as much as it is how to deal with your professor. You seem to have some pretty basic disagreements. I've received plenty of negative feedback on my writing and speaking - how can you improve if you don't know what's wrong - and public embarrassment is, if used correctly, an effective teaching technique, but I don't know anyone who would use it as their first teaching technique. I would certainly go talk to him and see what's up. The worst that can happen is that he tells you all the things you're doing wrong.

 

For the rest of it, I've always taken the little bit of advice from Adventure Time:

 

[AKCarlton]

I've always thought it's best to talk about it than think about it. Wait until you see your grade and if it is not as good as you'd hope it was and without comments from the professor, approach the professor and discuss it. Communication is the key and the professor should be able to give you valuable critique and comments on how to improve from this point on, but until you get your paper back, don't let the stress and worry defeat you like this.

 

In addition, when you talk to your professor bring up how you can better your public speaking and presentation skills. If your professor is not making himself approachable, I bet there are resources on campus that can help with public speaking, and I know for a fact all universities have places to go to improve your writing skills.

 

There is always help out there.

[anabeldm9]

Thank you both. I will try to wait and see how I did first and not stew so much.

 

Part of my anxiety comes from the fact that the other students in the class who have taken him before said they think he doesn't even read the papers. So if that's true, my grade will be based on my poor explanation of my paper.

[geographyrocks]

I had a professor like that.  He taught a graduate class that I took as an undergrad.  He liked to cut me off when I was talking or tell me my answer was wrong when it was actually right.  Near the end of the semester, we all had to give 10 minute presentations.  He interupted my presentation to lecture about something or another.  When I finished the presentation, he said: "What was your presentation about again?".  It's interesting to see 12 people drop their jaws all at once because I believe everyone will agree that was a really rude thing to do.  He didn't do that to anyone else during their presentations.  In other words, he obviously had a problem with me even though I had the highest gpa, I was the only student in the department applying to graduate school, and I won several awards from the department.  He wrote letters for me (even though he told me I shouldn't apply to PhD programs because I wasn't a guy who was a genius) and even choked up when he presented me with the award.  People are freakin strange.

However, I ended up with an A in the class.  I don't know how seeing as he told me that everything I did was wrong.  So I would definitely wait for the grade before stewing. 

[dr. t]

my grade will be based on my poor explanation of my paper.

 

This may on the surface of it seem unfair, but there's a twisted logic to it, if it is true. It's easy to think that perfecting your written work and research is the most important part of graduate school, and most graduate programs certainly encourage that sort of thinking. However, it's really important to remember that while your CV gets you in the door, your oral presentation skills will actually get you a job. 

 

This may not have even been your professor's intent, but it's a good lesson to learn nonetheless.

[anabeldm9]

Thanks for your perspective. That is an important point to get comfortable articulating my work, basic ideas, and how they advance the knowledge in my field.

 

The thing is, I was fearless and pretty good at public speaking in the job I left to attend school. I genuinely usually enjoy it. But here at school, and in this class especially, it's a different ball game. I constantly doubt myself. I know that's somewhat natural to the process, but man is it painful.

[maelia8]

Don't worry, right now you are the most inexperienced person in the room, and sometimes you'll feel like a small child that has just made in his/her diaper, but think about it - in two or three years, YOU'LL be the experienced student able to look back and laugh at this and rejoice in how far you've come since then

[xolo]

This is all too common so don't think you are the only one who has this burden.  Just try to stay focused on what you are about (easier said than done, I know). I also wouldn't assume your work was below par - give it some time for calm and then assess.    

[anabeldm9]

Thank you all for the kind words and fresh perspectives. Maelia8 your comment made me laugh :-) Posting here and letting some time pass has helped the panic subside and now I feel ready for whatever the result is.

[anabeldm9]

And somehow I ended up with an A in the course. Just goes to show that bombing is not the end of the world and some professors are just outwardly unpleasant! 

[NavyMom]

Congratulations on your A achievement.  I know how you feel.  I felt like I bombed a few papers and sweated bullets throughout the semester.  One of my papers came back with an A+, which everyone in my class (including 2nd and 3rd years) dropped their jaws.  Apparently this particular professor never hands out A+'s, so for me that was quite a feat.  (Made me tear up a little, even).

 

What did you end up getting on that particular presentation if you don't mind my asking?