pears

there are not enough palms in the world for me to sufficiently facepalm a facepalm as hard as that statement deserves. wahhh.

there are not enough palms in the world for me to sufficiently facepalm a facepalm as hard as that statement deserves. wahhh.

midnight rider
(i seem to have a few allman bros posts going now, haha!)

tested the waters this morning and sent my first "sooo.. what's the adcomm's status as far as decisions go right now?" email.
brb, spending the rest of the day curled up under my desk like a ball of nerves until i get a response. 

Pressure Drop

hey there,
 
i'm not a grad student (yet!), so i can't speak to the academic problems out of experience. that said, i've been dealing with crippling depression for years, and all of its equally horrible but constantly changing manifestations (i'm going to keep this trigger-free, but i suspect you probably know what i'm talking about; these things change between age 11 and age 22). i'm always in and out of therapy, on and off medications. most days are great, but there are definitely some days when getting out of bed is a major feat, so i can empathize.
 
the only insight i can really give you, then, is that a chemical imbalance does not necessitate a state of mind. you are not your depression. you are a good, hardworking, dedicated student who pretty much got the short, poop-smeared end of the brain chemistry lottery. for example, i consider myself to be a happy, social person by nature, but letting that shine instead of, say, a "protective" layer of cynicism and self-doubt borne out of insecurities, is a constant uphill battle. hearing people say "just cheer up!" is immensely frustrating, and usually isn't helpful, so i'll try to give you practical advice that i've picked up along the way that has helped me.
 
first, like i said, remember that you are not your depression; a chemical imbalance doesn't have the right to determine what kind of person you are.
 
second, focus on one task at a time, but keep a running schedule -- including as much time as you can feasibly get for things like exercise, social outings, etc. -- so you don't let yourself slip into the inertia of being unable to get the gears turning. it takes some getting used to, but i've found that blocking off my time and sticking to what i've planned is a very successful way to not only get myself up and running, but to keep moving, and keep my mind too busy to occupy itself with negative thoughts. only you can keep yourself busy, and only you know your limits, so don't push yourself too much.. but also, don't push too little. 
 
third, reach out to people, especially if you're making a change (be it a change of advisers or a change of scenery). even if you're geographically further from your usual support network, it is absolutely essential to stay in touch. don't hold back about sharing feelings, as long as you're comfortable; it's okay to be scared, nervous, lonely, etc. you're only human. reach out to all possible LoR writers as soon as you can; get in touch with your initial writers, if need be.
 
fourth, be progressive, even when it's hard to be positive. you may feel that you're ensnared in a negative situation, but there's no way to get yourself out if you don't keep moving towards a new goal. don't bite off more than you can chew. set simple, but attainable, goals for each day. one day, talk to you adviser about your plans; another day, meet with potential new advisors or LoR writers; another, submit [X number] of applications to different programs, and so on. reward yourself with simple things when you can, especially if your goal was a particularly emotionally taxing one, e.g., go for a mellow bike ride to clear your head or treat yourself to a nice meal after meeting with your (jerky) adviser. 
 
i hope those help. i realize it's hard to put someone else's words into action, but those are the things that have helped me the most. also, don't be too down on yourself: you clearly love what your field of research is, and you wouldn't be in grad school for it if you weren't cut out for it in the first place. don't lose sight of your passion, and keep pressing forward; your dedication, despite this crappy situation, means that you will find a way to do what you love, even while you're fighting against the multi-headed dragon of depression at all times. if anything, the fact that you're fighting depression on top of said crappy situation means that you're definitely not a failure. kudos to you for not giving up! best of luck!
 
ps: feel free to PM me at any time. 

midnight rider
(i seem to have a few allman bros posts going now, haha!)

It was awful/hilarious, I saw the POIs name in my inbox and I was SO confused, since I'd already been rejected, and for a split second I was like... did they change their minds or something? But I opened it and was even more confused because it was an exchange of emails about the POIs life and students, with some pretty horrifically hilarious cynical not-quite-PC opinions, and I couldn't figure out why I had gotten it. Judging from the content, I think it was supposed to be cc'ed to someone whose last name starts with the same three letters as mine, and it must have autofilled my email instead of the right persons... I don't know if I should just ignore it or let the POI know I accidentally got it????? THIS IS SO AWKWARD AND ALSO DID I MENTION MY LAST INTERACTION WITH THIS POI WAS AN EMAIL TELLING ME I WAS REJECTED BECAUSE THAT MAKES THIS MORE AWKWARD. 

Just got an email for acceptance into MA program at WSU (washington state university) Socio-cultural. WOOO!

hey there,
 
i'm not a grad student (yet!), so i can't speak to the academic problems out of experience. that said, i've been dealing with crippling depression for years, and all of its equally horrible but constantly changing manifestations (i'm going to keep this trigger-free, but i suspect you probably know what i'm talking about; these things change between age 11 and age 22). i'm always in and out of therapy, on and off medications. most days are great, but there are definitely some days when getting out of bed is a major feat, so i can empathize.
 
the only insight i can really give you, then, is that a chemical imbalance does not necessitate a state of mind. you are not your depression. you are a good, hardworking, dedicated student who pretty much got the short, poop-smeared end of the brain chemistry lottery. for example, i consider myself to be a happy, social person by nature, but letting that shine instead of, say, a "protective" layer of cynicism and self-doubt borne out of insecurities, is a constant uphill battle. hearing people say "just cheer up!" is immensely frustrating, and usually isn't helpful, so i'll try to give you practical advice that i've picked up along the way that has helped me.
 
first, like i said, remember that you are not your depression; a chemical imbalance doesn't have the right to determine what kind of person you are.
 
second, focus on one task at a time, but keep a running schedule -- including as much time as you can feasibly get for things like exercise, social outings, etc. -- so you don't let yourself slip into the inertia of being unable to get the gears turning. it takes some getting used to, but i've found that blocking off my time and sticking to what i've planned is a very successful way to not only get myself up and running, but to keep moving, and keep my mind too busy to occupy itself with negative thoughts. only you can keep yourself busy, and only you know your limits, so don't push yourself too much.. but also, don't push too little. 
 
third, reach out to people, especially if you're making a change (be it a change of advisers or a change of scenery). even if you're geographically further from your usual support network, it is absolutely essential to stay in touch. don't hold back about sharing feelings, as long as you're comfortable; it's okay to be scared, nervous, lonely, etc. you're only human. reach out to all possible LoR writers as soon as you can; get in touch with your initial writers, if need be.
 
fourth, be progressive, even when it's hard to be positive. you may feel that you're ensnared in a negative situation, but there's no way to get yourself out if you don't keep moving towards a new goal. don't bite off more than you can chew. set simple, but attainable, goals for each day. one day, talk to you adviser about your plans; another day, meet with potential new advisors or LoR writers; another, submit [X number] of applications to different programs, and so on. reward yourself with simple things when you can, especially if your goal was a particularly emotionally taxing one, e.g., go for a mellow bike ride to clear your head or treat yourself to a nice meal after meeting with your (jerky) adviser. 
 
i hope those help. i realize it's hard to put someone else's words into action, but those are the things that have helped me the most. also, don't be too down on yourself: you clearly love what your field of research is, and you wouldn't be in grad school for it if you weren't cut out for it in the first place. don't lose sight of your passion, and keep pressing forward; your dedication, despite this crappy situation, means that you will find a way to do what you love, even while you're fighting against the multi-headed dragon of depression at all times. if anything, the fact that you're fighting depression on top of said crappy situation means that you're definitely not a failure. kudos to you for not giving up! best of luck!
 
ps: feel free to PM me at any time. 

hammer time
 

Just got into Yale! My POI called me on the phone to tell me.

tested the waters this morning and sent my first "sooo.. what's the adcomm's status as far as decisions go right now?" email.
brb, spending the rest of the day curled up under my desk like a ball of nerves until i get a response. 

i'm not a climber, but an outdoor enthusiast in general, so i totally feel you as far as factoring outdoor resources into my decisions go! my top two choices are surrounded by outdoor playgrounds. my current fixations are fishing, whitewater kayaking, and snowboarding, and i'm learning how to ride a dirt bike this weekend. i'm not particularly good at any of them, but i really enjoy all of them, so that's good enough for me! 
 
a friend of mine convinced me to try bouldering with him once tahoe's snow season is over, so here's to hoping i don't totally wreck myself! i tried ice climbing a few times when i was an undergrad, too, since we had a great lodge and mountain club with lots of active, super skilled, generally wonderful members. the east coast isn't always prime for skiing and snowboarding, but dang, our ice was nice. i was pretty terrible but i liked it anyway! i'm actually terrified of open heights, which is exactly why i want to learn how to climb (and skydive, but that's for when i'm not totally broke..). i might invest in that this month, actually- there's a gym with a deal on a month-long beginner course just 10 minutes from me by bike. 

tested the waters this morning and sent my first "sooo.. what's the adcomm's status as far as decisions go right now?" email.
brb, spending the rest of the day curled up under my desk like a ball of nerves until i get a response. 

I got into Northwestern, holy shit. It was my top choice and my second time applying. I am over the moon.

+1 to lentils! all things lentil = amazing. i'm a pescatarian with some funky eating habits, so the protein and cost of lentils make them some of my favorite things ever! i cook mine down in a 1:4 mix of white wine to veggie stock, and throw in some saffron or curry powder. mujaddara is the best- i spice my rice with coriander and cumin, caramelize my onions, spin honey into my yogurt, and roast some crushed almonds with brown sugar and sea salt to crumble on top of it all. nommm. i think i know what i'm making for lunch then dinner then lunch again tonight, hah!
 
also, depending on where you live, salmon can be really cheap, too. i broil mine for 12 minutes with light mayo and dill- the mayo sounds gross (i'm not a fan of mayo on anything else), but it keeps the fish soft and moist, and the flavor of the dill makes you forget what your fish is topped with. cheap and easy, especially if you grow your own herbs. 

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

for the love of iced cinnamon swirl rolls and all that is holy, don't.
 
put yourself in the other person's shoes. how horrendously awkward and stressful would it be if a complete stranger contacted you, essentially pressuring you to make your decision faster? it's not an easy process for anyone. don't add extra stress to someone else's decision-making simply for your own benefit. patience and kindness will pay off more.

break into a panicked sweat, immediately step down from my job, and hope that i saved up enough of my salary to become "chief beer officer" for all applicants instead. yknow, the person who hands you a nice cold one immediately after your decision is made, no matter what the outcome.
 
that's a thing, right?

+1 to lentils! all things lentil = amazing. i'm a pescatarian with some funky eating habits, so the protein and cost of lentils make them some of my favorite things ever! i cook mine down in a 1:4 mix of white wine to veggie stock, and throw in some saffron or curry powder. mujaddara is the best- i spice my rice with coriander and cumin, caramelize my onions, spin honey into my yogurt, and roast some crushed almonds with brown sugar and sea salt to crumble on top of it all. nommm. i think i know what i'm making for lunch then dinner then lunch again tonight, hah!
 
also, depending on where you live, salmon can be really cheap, too. i broil mine for 12 minutes with light mayo and dill- the mayo sounds gross (i'm not a fan of mayo on anything else), but it keeps the fish soft and moist, and the flavor of the dill makes you forget what your fish is topped with. cheap and easy, especially if you grow your own herbs. 

my pup :3 she looks like a little teddy bear!
 

my leopard gecko, probably hating everything, because that's what she does best.