Firstly your post is really funny.
Secondly I hope you'll see my response being that you posted yesterday.
Lastly you have to handicap yourself, this year the sheer number of applicants lowers our individual odds considerably. I gave myself an honest assessment; my GPA is average, my GRE scores are OK, I have excellent letters of recommendation, substantial research and an interesting life experience. Many schools won't even find out about the two years I volunteered in a Russian orphanage or the fact that I speak four languages or that I have rabbinical ordination, because my scores aren't perfect. I don't know many professors, which I believe is what gets people in (or at least noticed). But if you have a good GPA, GRE, LOR, and a good statement of purpose, you have a good chance of getting in somewhere.
To be honest I have worked with a professor for the last to years at a school that was my first choice, and it turned out that she wasn't taking on students this year and I didn't know the other professors and I got rejected, it sucks but I put too much energy into applications that I don't have any left to get worked up. At this point getting into any program that I applied to is a blessing.
Hope this ramble was helpful and the best of luck to you.