Battman

My impression: after you get your PhD, nobody will ever care to see your grades again. Until then, grades can matter for the purpose of competing for funding against other grad students.

I just started grad school as a PhD student in the Fall--- before grad school I was super confident in myself. After a couple months in grad school, that all changed. I suddenly felt like I had no idea what I was doing, and felt ignorant about my science. Half a year later, I'm starting to feel better again. It sounds like you feel slightly different than I did... but are also at a different place in you grad career. It sounds like you are just not as confident in your work, and are being super meticulous about it so that you can feel confident in it again. You have to remember though, as much as it is your responsibility to produce quality products, you aren't alone in the endeavor. Your advisor and any collaborators are there to have your back to some extent. Plus tons of people have made errors in their science. Go wiki Einstein, I believe there is a list of the errors he made in publications. One thing that helped me that might be applicable for your state of mind would be to just go through a list of alternate scenarios for your work, personal life, and career, immerse yourself in them briefly, and check yourself to see which scenarios put you at ease. Sometimes it is most unsettling when you simply don't know what is bothering you. To figure out what is bothering you, figure out what would make you happy. For me, I realized that I had gotten the impression that none of my fellow students/ colleagues had any academic respect for me. In undergrad my intellect was respected by those who knew me--- those in my fraternity, my other friends, family, co-workers, professors-- everyone. But I realized that this situation wasn't created overnight, and that it took me years to establish this reputation. I realized what was bothering me by briefly pretending that all the knew people I met in grad school thought highly of me... and then I felt really good, and realized that was the issue. Now I am taking action to try and fix it (just working hard and trying to do a "good job"), while still realizing that I am a new grad student surrounded by intelligent people more experienced than I am. Perhaps if you imagine yourself producing a thesis that people viewed as a solid piece of science, and thought you skilled enough to be an asset to the scientific community and should continue onto your PhD, maybe you would feel better. Or maybe you think you are upset about your work, but it could be another issue. Whenever you figure out what is bothering you, do what you can to fix it. Know that all that anyone can ever ask of you is to do your best, and find peace in that. If you do your best, and there is a mistake in your work... you need not feel guilty. Take pride in your efforts, and the portions of your work that were mistake-free. Sometimes hard work is more revered than a quality product, and you certainly seem to be a hard worker. Take pride in your strengths. If you aren't sure if you are a hard worker, and that is the problem, take a closer look at the case you made for yourself at the beginning of the post. There aren't perfect workers, just hard workers. Don't confuse the two. Hard work is still reasonable and moderate-- we are people, not machines. With the suicide thing, I actually kinda know how you feel. Whenever I go to the doctor for a physical/ checkup he has always asked me if I had thoughts of suicide. Even though I often do, I always answer "no" because I know I would never act on them. It's just something that comes to mind when I am stressed out and/or depressed. This might sound weird, but sometimes when I feel like that, I feel like I have the opportunity to do something impressive by chugging through it and coming out of the slump stronger. Like if I am super depressed and stressed, yet I continue to work hard and do well (in school mostly), then I feel like "Wow, even though I was going through such a hard time, I didn't let it get to me." What's weird is that often I don't even know why I feel so upset, which sucks... but I do know that I feel far less upset if I can produce any tangible success. Getting an A on a test. Getting good at a video/computer game. Having a good time with friends and having people want to hang out with me (combating my social insecurities). Cleaning my apartment. Organizing my desk. Something, anything, to feel good about helps. Don't worry about your work. You have worked hard, so you need-not feel guilty of the outcome isn't perfect. And also don't worry that you haven't worked hard... you have more than convinced me. Believe in the argument that you crafted for us readers! Don't worry about outcomes being exactly what you wanted. You can't predict all the twists in life, so all you can do is try your best to direct fate where you will through your own efforts, but we all fall short of our own expectations sometimes, so it's OK. Just keep doing your best, know that you really are working hard (trust me, you are!), and feel good about that. I hope this can somehow help. Even if people don't seem to get what you feel, it is good to keep talking to people and trying to help them understand. Eventually someone will understand, or you will understand your own situation in a new light through your attempts to explain to others, and maybe your new understanding will help you. Best of luck