Cheshire_Cat

Understandable. When I graduated, I listened to the song "Rivers and Roads" on repeat for like six months. Also, even when you go to grad school, you will always have a special place in your heart for your undergrad institution. And I'm really glad I have that, because my graduate institution has been a nightmare, haha!

So.. I got significant results from my dissertation pilot. But now I'm super nervous I did something wrong and the results are bs. Or, if I got results from such a small sample, has someone else done it and my idea not have tension? Or the sample is an outlier. What did I confound to get these results? What did I screw up? There is no way I got lucky and the results just worked out when the Ph.D students in the cohort ahead of me didn't. Especially on the first try. They are way smarter than I. My dissertation proposal is in five weeks and it is going to be brutal, I'm sure. And, what if they make me change something and it ruins my results. (It's what we call a mediator, I guess) IDK if this is just impostor syndrome or what. But I'm really nervous now and spending too much time re-running my tests to make sure I did them properly. Anyways, that's what I'm feeling. Also feeling old because I'm about to be in my 5th year of the Ph.D progam and now everyone on here are newbies, haha!

Hello Imposter Syndrome. Fancy seeing you here... In better news, I'm about to propose for my dissertation.

Totally fucked up an experiment today. I mean, it was rough. I coded something wrong and part of the experiment was ruined. So I'm mad at myself for that. But even if there hadn't been an error on my part, the program crashed and the data was unrecoverable. Ugh!!

So ready to be done!! I feel like I am always the odd one out because everyone else speaks Chinese and I don't. So they leave me out of things so they can go off and not have to speak English. One girl tries, but as soon as another Asian comes around it's like I don't even exist. I wouldn't mind a little, but it is all the time. I'm tired of feeling this way. I have friends outside of school, but I although I am friendly with people here, I'm not part of any clique and the rest of everyone is cliquish. Its been this way the entire time I've been in the program, but it still kinda sucks. Imagine working somewhere for four years and not having any friends there. This is why I've stopped coming to campus.

I have a bunny who is 13 years old. Bunnies usually only live 8-10 years, so she's really old. She is blind and has mobility issues, and has started to not use the litterbox anymore. And I'm just sad and frustrated, and I hate this slow fade. She is a heart-pet and I love her. I've had her since highschool and now I'm a year from graduating from the Ph.D. program. And I don't know when I should let her go. And thinking about end-of-life measures just makes me cry. This is frustrating. Also, I'm in this little tiny apartment and it smells like pee constantly. And I have to get her special care and worry about her if I leave on vacation. I know she isn't going to be around much longer and I'm sad, but I'm also conflicted because it's going to be a relief not to have that ambiguity and worry about the situation. And my friends don't understand. None of them are pet people, and they think making rabbit stew jokes is funny. Hint- it's not! I don't act annoyed about it because I don't want to be 'that' friend who gets upset about jokes, but I'm not going to get any emotional support there.

Just feeling lonely. Probably because I haven't spoken to anyone other than my apartment manager and parents since Saturday... I'm not teaching or taking classes this semester. First time ever. I should probably make sure I have some social interaction with someone other than my mentor, lol.

I am having panic attacks. They started at the beginning of the semester, and happen randomly. Basically, my body dumps a bunch of adrenaline into my system, and I don't know why. I'm not consciously scared or anything like that. And I'm not an anxious person in general. I am actually kind of an adrenaline junkie, but not when I get it this way. I have noticed that crowds are a trigger, which is an issue since I live downtown of a big city. I need to go off caffeine and take a break for a few days. Maybe I should find a new show to binge-watch. I have been pushing forward as much as I can with my dissertation because I know my mentor is going to leave after this upcoming semester. The stress added everything else is probably affecting me.

My mentor is leaving I totally understand why, and we will still be working together, but I'm still sad. He's very happy though because he is going to a school he loves. It's ok though. I will be leaving soon enough anyways. I'm about to propose for my dissertation in the spring, so I will be at a good spot before he leaves.

Like others have said; go see a councilor. Usually you can see one for free at your school. Second, go out and do things. Go to the park. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Join a group for people who share your interests. Third, get excited about your future, or something that you can do/get when you are done.

Uncourteous smokers. Look, I don't care what you do with your life, smoke or not. But second hand smoke does have adverse effects on people around you. A neighbor moved in today who lives next to me and now my entire hall corridor smells like cigarette smoke. And it got into my apartment while my door was closed and haven't even been opened for a while. I hate cigarette smoke. I hate smoking. I lost two grandparents to lung cancer caused by second-hand smoke and another to emphysema. I get that it is an addiction, and there have been people in my life who I love who smoke, but there are things you can do to make sure that other people don't have to suffer with you. And now it is winter, and all the smokers will want to stand in the doorways/staircases rather than going outside to smoke. Look, I don't let my dog poop in the doorway just because it's too cold outside, you shouldn't smoke there either. Plus, my dog's shit smells better. I'm ready to get out of this damn town and get my own house and some space away from people.

My mentor is such a great guy. He lent me his umbrella today because I had to walk further than him in the rain and we were going opposite directions. He is very attentive and encouraging, and we share a lot of the same values. It's funny because I was placed with him by chance to be his RA my first year, and I didn't think I was going to do research in his area. But now I am doing research in his area, and I've worked with him for 3 & 1/2 years, and I don't think I would be as comfortable with the other professors in this area. I'm very thankful that I get to work with him.

I have to get a crown on my tooth tomorrow. And I got my first ever ticket, and I have to go to court, and I am nervous about that. My mentor might not be here my last year, and that would really suck. I may try to rush through my dissertation and get it done this year just in case. But, that would mean leaving my friends a lot earlier then I expected and moving to god-knows-where. On the other hand, it would mean having a real job and being able to make real money. Just feeling anxious, like I am holding my breath until this whole thing ends.

Been there, done that. It will be over soon, but I completely understand. Me, I'm so ready to be done with grad school, while simultaneously freaking out about everything I have to get done between now and then. 639 days until graduation!

So, there is this doctoral consortium that one student from each school gets to go to a year. Only one. A few of my friends from different schools went this year and were talking about it at dinner this evening. I asked which of the students from my school went, because I hadn't heard anything and didn't want to ask my cohort about it. Apparently no one from my school went, because of "budget constraints" BS. If you are going to try to have a research active Ph.D program, you need to send your students to the things they need to go to. And the funny thing is that I'm not even that mad at this point, because this shit happens over and over again...

They say you see someone's true colors when there is an inheritance involved. My grandmother died recently, and sadly my aunt is apparently a super shady. I never knew this about her before. First of all, when my grandmother was alive, my aunt took half of her fairly large estate, and put it in a joint account with her and my grandmother. So when my grandmother died, that money became legally my aunts. My aunt did not need that much of my grandmothers money in liquid assets, she did it for control. Second, they decided to pay for certain people to go to the memorial service... So get this- they are paying for my grandmother's brother (ok, he deserves it), their child (meh) and their grandchild(what?) to come. What is so wrong about that? They *aren't* paying for me and my siblings to go, (grandchildren) but they are paying for a grand-niece. WTH? So unfair. Anyways, the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. My parents don't technically "need" the money, but it is the principle of the thing. My mom's siblings always treat my sister unfairly, and she does everything to help them with nothing in return. I'm not close to my extended relatives, and probably won't see them again after my grandmother's memorial. But I hate to see it end like this. Before, I always had a favorable view of this aunt, but this has really changed my perspective, and not in a good way.

I was accepted into a Ph.D program and then thought "Oh crap! I have to figure out how to survive grad school!" so I googled it or something.

I hear you. And I love animals and have several and foster as well. But I also live in an apartment complex with a lot of dogs, and dogs barking during the day can be pretty annoying. So were are a few things to consider- see if you can get a collar that vibrates to interrupt the barking rather than causing pain. Then reward him with food immediately when he stops. Also try exercising him a lot. But also keep in mind that he may not be the right dog for your situation, and if nothing works, its better he goes somewhere he can bark than be yelled at all the time for how much noise he makes.

I called my dad crying because traffic was bad on Friday... the stress gets to all of us in different ways.

I'm all angsty because my "job" is not normal, and pays nothing, and I'm literally just hanging out in my apartment all day trying to research, and I feel like I'm not a normal human being anymore, but duh, what normal human being would go into academia in the first place. And I need to go out more, but I don't want to go out more because I'm an introvert and apparently something is wrong with me. Also I'm broke AF and in debt, and don't get paid until September. And the people I hang out with are all accountants and normal people and go do things that cost money and I don't want to spend money.

I don't think it is wise to do so.

I don't particularly like my cat. I feel bad even saying this, but it's true. I thought I would like having a cat, but I don't. I've had him for almost 4 years, and it hasn't gotten better. He gets into everything tears things up, and wakes me up in the middle of the night. I don't think he likes living in my small apartment, and so I let him outside, but then he wants in and out randomly. And last night he decided to use my couch as a restroom because the room his litter box was in was closed off, and now the whole apartment smells like cat pee. Sometimes he's cute, but overall I feel like our whole relationship is me telling him not to do stuff and him annoying the heck out of me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to get rid of him. If I commit to a responsibility, I commit to it. But I just don't like him 75% of the time.

This month was good: 1) I got really good teaching evals for last semester. 2) I got a scholarship for one of my research papers. Not only does this mean I get some research money, but it's also something I can put on my CV. 3) A relationship with a guy may be starting to bud. If not, I've had a fun time flirting with him thus far. I always underestimate how fun it is.

There is a guy that I think is interested in me, but it is at the very beginning stages, and I'm trying not to over analyze or get my hopes up. It's hard. I'm satisfied with who I am right now and I don't need anyone to make me happy... But it was so fun to go out to dinner with him and talk and flirt and laugh a whole lot. With most guys I'm interested in, I don't like to open up, but I can talk to him for hours. IDK. We'll see what happens.

Haha! Coffee barista is a good back-up job. If you read pages 48-51 of this thread, you can see my whole saga and feelings about my old job, if it makes you feel any better. For the record, I was much more angry back then than I am today, lol. Long story short, I told them about a month before classes started (I lived in the same metropolitan area as my school and wasn't moving). I had a job where they needed to train someone to take over and they were expecting me to be there and making plans, so I did want to give them some heads up. However, when you give your two weeks, some companies just let you go then, so I made sure it was financially feasible for me to survive without a paycheck or two if they did that. I told them I would be willing to work the whole month if they wanted me to, and they chose to keep me on for the entire month.